Huge Fight With BF - What to do, what to think...

My bf and I had a huge fight. It got really ugly really fast. He has some major trust issues and we’ve hit some bumps with me having made those worse. For example when we had trouble before I responded to texts from other guys that I had once been involved with. I know that makes it sound like I did it often and I am not trying to justify anything but it happened twice.

Both times our relationship was imploding and my bf was unwilling to talk through things or go to couples therapy with me. This last time he had spent two months smoking pot and drinking to the point where he was just not present in our relationship at all. He would have moments of sobriety where he would say things like he didn’t think he loved me and that he couldn’t love me the way I wanted him to. I think I felt down in the dumps and having someone else just sort of be kind to me and remind me that I am desirable made me feel just a bit better. I am ashamed to even admit that.

My behavior in these times was cause for concern for him and I totally understand that. I have proposed therapy again and have been going on my own as well. I have been making effort to fix things by bring home literature on how we can regain trust…

Well last night we were cuddling and he started to feel doubt and then rolled away from me. I got up out of bed and went to our guest room and slammed the door. Admittedly this was not the smart thing to do. After trying to figure out why I felt wronged I realized it had a lot to do with the fact that during the morning he basically accused me of infidelity. When I got home form work he did the same…

Last week he saw a stain on my dress from lunch and straight up asked me if it was male fluids. He is constantly doing things like this and often gets so angry about the past that he lashes out at me forgetting that he played a role in this all as well. I am not trying to blame shift but I did reach out and toy with the idea of moving on when he abandoned me for two months and was saying really hurtful and abusive things.

Now that the framework is laid out – what happened last night is I tried to tell him again and again that I was sorry for my past sins and would be willing to do whatever it takes to get us to a healthy, trusting and happy place. He just kept throwing things in my face and I just kept at it trying to bring reason and respect back into the mix.

He got so heated he threw a water bottle from the top of the stairs in my direction. He then got in my face and said that if I wanted to argue he would win at word games and would even destroy me.

I was resigned to tears and we ended the night that way. I was so anxious and hurt that I couldn’t sleep so I sent an email telling him that if he simply cannot forgive me I would understand but that we needed to not tear each other apart. I further stated that I would not ever allow him to do what he had done to me again.

I also reminded him that he has done things in the past that are pretty unforgivable too. I am just hurting and feeling so hopeless at the moment. I don’t know what to do, how I feel or how to try and function at work and in life at the moment.

Sounds like this is something that can not, and probably should not, be repaired. You need a more stable and mature man to love.

Drinking and smoking pot? All the time? His jealousy is least of your issues

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I agree with Gavinandnikki. You need a more mature man or he needs to make the choice to grow up and act mature. Sounds like each of you are in a place of anger and hurt. Until you can get yourself and he himself in control, things may continue to spiral.

Have you considered moving out or him moving out for a few weeks. Give yourselves some space to think about things in a more calm atmosphere to allow yourselves to decide where you want this relationship to go.

Is there a place you can go for a few weeks or him?

Thank you guys for the quick responses. I can leave for a while but I really hate the idea of uprooting myself. I guess I can just try it and see how things go.

I am just so hurt and disappointed that he'd actually say something so very evil - "I will destroy you?" Where the heck does that come from. I have been livid before and haven't said that to him.

In fact, I have down right despised someone before and wouldn't think to ever say that. It is so ominous and threatening. Bare in mind this is the same man I posted about who has the crazy ex...I just never thought our problems would get to the point where he'd be saying things like this to me.

I am asking for maturity on his end by offering couples counseling as well as individual therapy for both of us. He has made no effort do that so I can't help be think he doesn't really want to fix things.

The part about all this that is really making me sick is that just yesterday I felt so completely satisfied and happy with where our relationship was. It makes this all hurt so much to be so happy and then have the rug yanked from under my feet.

Yeah he is sober now but he did just check out on me for two months and I hated the self medicating that he was doing. I tried to talk to him about it and he would shut me down. I tried to write to him via email and he just ignored it. He lashed out when he was angry and soI pretty much thought the relationship was over on his end but that he just didn't want to tell me so he was making it so hellish that I would have to be the one to leave.

I don't know how to turn off the love I feel but I also don't know how to live with things the way they are.

You can't turn off the love but you have choices about who you choose to live with. This person is dangerous. He is not a good choice for a life partner.

Move on, grieve, but get out.

And minimize the drama. State that's this is unacceptable behavior and you are done.

I don't know if I agree he is dangerous in the sense that he'd do anything physical. I know him well enough to know it would never come to that. To that end, I still don't like the fact that he threatened to destroy me with his words...I have no clue what that even means.

Chucking things in your direction....getting in your face.....you don't have to worry about it getting physical because IT ALREADY HAS.

He thinks the stain on your dress is man goo? He "checks out" for months at a time? Seriously? Why are you with this loser? Is it going to take a trip to the ER for you to realize you are involved with a nutjob?

It means he'll destroy you emotionally, psychologically and will force your submission in a power struggle. It means he's quite certain he.is intellectually superior, defers no respect for you.

But your choice is your choice. Love doesn't come just once in a lifetime.

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I sometimes see how people stay in bad marriage when legally married as divorce is tough or when they have kids, but staying with bad boyfriend? What the heck for?

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Thank you all for responding. Some of what has been said is tough to read but necessary I think. You are right we aren't married and we don't have children so there are no other reasons for us to be together other than we want to be.

I guess he is telling me that he doesn't want to be with me because he is unforgiving, volatile, disrespectful and cruel at times. I never thought I would fall in love with someone that had this side and I think that is what makes it so darn hard to believe.

It is like dating two people. One who loves me and would walk on fire and then one who is full of contempt and hatred towards me...right? Isn't that what it takes to say (with a lot of conviction) that you want to destroy someone?

It's enough that he doesn't respect me...I don't need to stay with someone who will make me lose respectful for myself by not getting out. It just hurts so much.

It is hard not to turn this inward and ask what I did to deserve this. I really did put my all into this and I can honestly say I tried. Maybe the take away is that I learned what I don't want in a partner.

The word toxic just keeps coming to mind here as do his words..."I would destroy you..."

Sorry. I know it hurts. But there is really no need to be with volatile and cruel man no matter how much you want to be with him or love him. You deserve better. Some things just can't be forgiven, violence and abuse isn't something to stick around for. Good luck

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It's typically how it begins, however. The intensity, for me, felt good after what led me to that point. I had insecurity when I met my exh. Not just in romance, but with how life was(or wasn't) turning out. I was also in grief, probably ptsd features, developing or already had a neurological illness, I wasn't well, physically, emotionally nor even spiritually.

I used to believe that I truly triggered the intensity of his emotions, how could anyone be that upset otherwise, right?

It is more than just learning what you don't want, but in learning your true inner self/identity because there's a risk that next time could be much worse.

There's an older book out there, Men Who Hate Women and the Women that Love Them. Books like these, open keyholes to doors that broaden self view. If you do get a chance, it's not a bad read.

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I heard those words before~ I thought the ***** was crazy and couldn't get enough space between us. I can't imagine sleeping with it.

Good luck to ya~ Hope you figure it out and do what's best for you.

uhm, you do realize that 95% of the time when someone does something bad and it makes headline news, there are always people who say "I know him, he'd NEVER do that!" But, when the truth comes out, the guy ends up being an abuser, a molester, a wife beater....

Every time I hear someone say something along the lines of "he'd never do that, I know him too well!" my stomach turns. The truth is that we never know anyone COMPLETELY. How many serial murderers had a wife and family at home who were all clueless? More than you'd like to know.

Please don't let your belief that you know this guy down to his core stop you from escaping a bad relationship.

Thank you all for your concern and comments. It's amazing what power sharing and accepting responses with strangers can be.

As an update I moved myself into the guest room and have been avoiding my bf. I am trying to get a handle on what the next steps are. I am getting a ton of advice not only here but from friends as well.

Some say it can work out - having known him. But they do say it will require individual therapy on his end and couples counseling together.

I don't know what to think but I am very depressed and have been crying a lot.

The bf has made no effort to talk about what happened or to reply to my email. He just ignored it all and has tried to pretend that nothing is wrong - nothing at all. Perhaps nothing is wrong for him...for me my world is turned upside down.

I am anxious to get in to see my therapist tomorrow after work so that I can see what she has to say.

This is the first time he has done or said something like this and I am so confused as to whether or not it is a true red flag or if he just felt so pushed to his limit that he lashed out. I've been there myself and I know what that feels like but I also felt remorse and was very apologetic when I did do something out of a fit of anger.