Issue with Sister-Advice needed

I wanted to ask some advice. I’ll try to keep this short, but need to give some background.

Background: Several years ago my daughter and my niece had some teenage drama occur during their softball season in high school. Actually 2 years in a row there was drama. It was stupid teenage drama stuff between the girls. They eventually worked it out. However, each time my niece went home crying that my daughter was being hateful to her. The first time, my sister came over to my house (while I was gone) and got in my daughter’s face, pushed my 18 year old son to the ground and was just out of control. The 2nd time, she tried to get my daughter expelled from school.

Up until about 6 mths ago, she continued to call me and my daughter names through text messages, emails and on occasion, even during family get togethers. Finally about 6 mths ago, she emails me and says she feels her action and behaviors are justified, but she’s sorry for the past and we just need to get over it, pretend like it never happened and quit causing pain to mom.

My problem is that she’s saying 2 things here; she thinks she’s right in how she treated us but she is sorry for it. That’s not much of an apology. I can’t seem to just let it go and pretend it didn’t happen. We weren’t brought up to treat others like this and especially family. My family just wants me to pretend it never happened, like they have always done with her behavior. They all hate confrontation. It’s easy for the instigator and the people it doesn’t affect to pretend it never happened, but it did and I feel like we are encouraging her to continue treating people like this if we once again pretend it never happened. She has done this all her life and I’m done dealing with it. She’s 47 years old and still doesn’t have a clue how to communicate rationally and calmly. I don’t speak to her, or about any of what happened to anyone. I just go on with my life. I chose a long time ago that her negative behavior wasn’t something I wanted in my life.

It hurts when my family makes me feel like the issues between us are all my fault because I won’t just pretend it never happened.

My question is how do I get over this or do I? I hate how it hurts my mom, it’s almost mother’s day and she’s very upset that it is still going on. Maybe I'm asking the wrong question. Any advice?

Yeah it is a tough spot to be in. The best way to deal with it is to confront head on. It sounds like you may be alone in the confrontation which is just how it goes sometimes. Say everything that's on your mind to your sis. If she doesn't want to hear it then all you can really do is remove her from your life (at least for a little while). She may start to get it after awhile. The other thing to try is fam counseling but it already sounds like she won't have any of that which is why I default to the previous idea. You could wait until after Mother's day but make sure to write it all down so you know exactly what went wrong where and the cycle won't repeat (hopefully). In the end some people listen some don't at this point it may be protection of you and your daughter. Some things to consider at least

She physically assaulted your son (VERY illegal) and everyone wants you to just forget the whole thing happened?

That's messed up.

Why should you have to "get over" something that the other person isn't sorry for in the least? Getting a kid expelled from school could really mess someone up! Years of knowing the same friends and then suddenly being uprooted, having to adjust to a new environment? Your sister is messed up.

You should finish this once and for all in a dramatic competition with your sister on Mother's Day: sudoku, horseshoes, bare-knuckle boxing... the catharsis will prove so therapeutic that the mother's day sororal throwdown will become a cherished family tradition to disperse this choking cloud of toxic softball drama.

There's nothing wrong with choosing not to put up with such awful behavior. If she is so concerned about your mother's feelings, she can issue a real apology. If your mother is so upset about this, she can tell your sister to apologize properly and stop acting that way.

I wonder how well the two cousins get along now.

The cousins say hi to each other and will even play board games or cards together when all the kids are at a family function, other than that, they don't socialize.

I am sure that lots of us are estranged from a family member. I am and it sucks.

You can either confront her and be "the bad guy" or you can attempt to let it go. If you don't let it go, then you will always be viewed as being at fault because it's for sure that she told all of the family who chooses to listen that she extended the olive branch and you refused it.

What she did was wrong. And I'm sure that your family knows this.

How do you get over it...I don't think you will. But, like a lot of things, you just smile and fake it 'till you make it. You probably will never be best friends and go to the movies, but as long as your family sees you being nice then they will be happy.

Your sister is not sorry. And she's never going to change. If avoiding her improves the quality of your life, then do that.

It's too bad about your Mom, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. She has two daughters who don't like each other. No law says sisters have to like each other.

If you both show up at family functions, you can be civil. What involved the two teenage cousins should never have gone further. Your sister was wrong to come over to your house starting trouble. Don't expect the extended family to take sides. It's not their issue.

You don't have to "pretend" anything, but don't keep talking about it to other family members. Nothing they can do about it. They're not going to change your sister for you. You don't have to "get over it." Staying mindful of it may be how you prevent further trouble with your sister. Some people are good to stay away from.

Saying she feels justified negates the meaning of an apology in the first place. it's lipservice to try and make you come around to her side and forget what happened, that's all it is. it's not an apology at all.

It's not up to you to make things right. wtf did you offend and how? she pushed your son, tried to get your daughter expelled, she's the offender, don't even for a second think that any of this is YOUR doing. they/she is turning it around on you as if anything you did was wrong, when in fact the offense is entirely in her court. She has not apologized, taken responsibility for her actions at all. Whether your daughter did anything on any of these ocassions that's a different subject entirely and still not YOUR doing. Even if your daughter was in the wrong ever it was handled badly and she needs to admit that she handled it badly and own up to that fact.

do not back down. Your mother's anxiety or feelings over this cannot make you and shoudl not make you take responsibility for something you never did wrong. don't even accept that.