Family Counseling with my in-laws. Help!

Hello!
It's been a few months. The Family Counseling with the In-Laws is really happening and starts next Wednesday, November 4th.

Okay, now my question: How do I prevent myself from feeling or being attacked? Has anyone gone through family counseling with their in-laws and come out for the better? Did you feel heard?

My Husband's family was broken way before I came along. Me and my Husband have been together 12year and married 2. I realized 3 months into the relationship his parents were not warm people. This lack of warmth is only the beginning into decade of he said, she said misunderstandings and hurtful remarks.

My personal goal for the counseling session is, for everyone to be heard. Hoping we can start to understand one another and get to a place where we at least respect once another. Not love, just respect. I say this, because love takes time and at this point, respect would be more than I could hope for.

My MIL or FIL have never had individual counseling or couples counseling before. I've had individual counseling and me and my Husband have had couples counseling. Counseling is a wonderful thing, if you believe in it.

I'm actually shaking as I'm typing this out. The idea of all of us sitting in a room together fills me with such anxiety, I'm almost nauseas.

The reason I'm worried about being attacked, (I'll keep it brief) is because this family has had their dysfunctional routine for decades. My presence in the beginning did nothing to disrupt this, because I was just another girlfriend. When months turned into years and then eventually marriage their tolerance of me turned to dislike. Cutting to the chase my MIL and FIL refuse to get to know me and I feel, do not see me as person or the woman who loves their son.

My Husband is happy about the counseling and hopes this will bring us closer and stop the back and forth. He hates being in middle and loves everyone, but is truly sick of his parents lack of understanding for us and me. He loves and supports me and understands my anxiety. He has battled on behalf and I've even confronted my MIL to no avail.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I am sorry but you cannot pay me enough to have counseling with in-laws, no matter what kind of relationship one has with them . I am in support of marital counseling of course or individual. I do wish you luck and would like to know how that goes

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That was short and sweet, divine, and I think you've got the right idea.

S.P., you are such a well-meaning person that you want to cooperate and be willing to give this a chance. That's good of you even though your gut is telling you this is possibly going to backfire on you. I'm inclined to agree with your gut. But any experience can be a learning experience. You will, indeed, learn something from this, but probably not much that is positive.

I would caution you to keep your guard up and don't be too forthcoming with your thoughts and feelings. And try not to be provoked into a reaction by anything your MIL says.

Your husband is not caught in the middle between parents and wife. He is a man who never emotionally emancipated himself from his mother. (That probably won't happen, until she dies.) A smart therapist will see that. It is your MIL who is the one on the middle. She has placed herself in the middle between you and your husband. Give that some thought. I think it's the real problem. She is able to be in that position only because her son allows it. Realistically, he doesn't have the wherewithall to not allow it. Some things a person just can't change because they were instilled too firmly at too early an age. I believe a lot of people greatly over-estimate the powers of a therapist. The only way your MIL's grip is going to be loosened is if your husband stops working for his father. Moving further away would help, but it is that job that is really preventing your husband from fully maturing into an independent person. As long as he has it, he will be overly compliant toward his parents.

Your husband loves you and wants you to be respected, but, at the same time, he will jump through any hoop to placate Mama. After 12 years, this old dame knows you a lot better than you realize. She knows good and well that your husband is pleased with his marriage and derives plenty of love and support from it. So, no, your MIL is not going to appreciate that and be grateful for it. The fact that you are such a good wife is the very thing that makes her less important to her son. You are such a decent person that you can't imagine anyone thinking like that, or being motivated in that way. Your MIL would be far happier, if your husband were running over to her telling her how unhappy he was in his marriage. She'ld eat that up. That's hard for you to believe.

When you go to counseling, let Mama do the talking. Try to be more of an observer than a participant . . . at least initially. Mama's got a gameplan. Hang back and give her plenty of room to lay that out. In the business world they say that the person who does the most talking ends up as the loser in any deal that's negotiated. Let her talk and talk. When the therapist asks you to respond, try to say: "I'ld like my MIL to explain further about what she has brought up." Then let her talk and talk some more. She'll wind up giving away a lot and becoming more transparent. If she says something negative about you, don't defend yourself. Instead, say, "Gee, I didn't know you felt that way. How long has that been on your mind?" Then, "Gee, I'm so sorry you have that impression." This is a situation where power resides with the person who says the least.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Rose76 said it perfectly so I don't have much to add--just that I am surprised that there are counselors out there willing to do this. I have never, ever heard of going to family therapy with your in-laws. Heck, I haven't even heard of an adult going to family therapy with their parents. Honestly, the fact that this therapist is willing to do this would make me a little wary of them. Do you have their name and info? I would look up their training and background up online if you can before you go. Good luck and hang in there.

Since you are going through with this circus act, I STRONGLY suggest you follow Rose's advise to the T.


Any other approach, and you "lose" which means your monster in law wins.

I really don't want to do this, but if it helps then I will. Thank you for your response, I will definitely being updating everyone!! I need support and friends to talk too for how ever long this goes for.

Thank you for everything you said! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I will definitely heed your advice.

You are right about the job situation. $$$ is not in our favor right now and makes the transition impossible, but we are hopeful that 2016 will bring positive abundance our way.

I will pray over this situation and do my very best to not be provoked during counseling.

Thank you again. You are very sweet, understanding and I appreciate your wisdom.

Thank you for your response! You made a valid point. I don't know the counselor. My MIL has set this meeting up. I will try and find-out before next week who he or she is. I'm a little concerned about what my MIL initially told the Counselor, but if they are professional all will be considered and sides will be taken.

"sides will be taken." - Actually, the therapist is not supposed to take sides, but to facilitate communication.

I totally agree with krimmj. I'll bet a lot of therapists would already figure this is a MIL who's way too involved in her son's life. But see how the T handles things. The T's got to make a living. Often the T will start out by saying, "How can I help you?" Let Mama answer that. She set this up. You're there simply as a courtesy because you were asked to be. If you get asked about what issues you want addressed, don't take the bait. Do not answer that question honestly. What you'ld like to see changed can not realistically be changed by any counseling sessions, IMHO. Just say some banal, bland stuff that no one can argue with (or criticise.) Be like a politician. "Well, I was asked to participate, and I'm here to be helpful in any way I can." You see - don't give the old bat anything to hang her hat on. She is just waiting for you to say anything she can twist.


Genesis 2:24

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”


I put this quote here not for any religious reason. This was a wise saying written down more than 2000 years ago. That's at least how long people have been kicking around the issue of where does a married man's principal loyalty lie. They long ago figured out that an adult man cleaves to his wife . . . not to his mother. When two people "cleave" together, that means there is no daylight between them, like two "cloves" of garlic. There is not supposed to be any space in between them . . . no space for a MIL to squeeze herself into. Your husband has left a little space for Mama to insert herself into. Close that gap as best you can.

Last time I went for some therapy, it sure wasn't cheap. I'm wondering if Mama is paying for this. If so, she must be figuring on getting some return on her money. That could only mean more control of her son. So you might want to keep a skeptical eye on this whole undertaking.

"Meaning, we all need to communicate about our feelings. My intuition tells me, this is a chance to get everything on the table and talk about how I'M keeping the family apart."
Let's say you do go to the counseling session. The counselor should make sure there is a common agenda right at the start of the session, such as going around the room and asking the respective members what they understand the purpose of the session to be. If you find the session to be going off topic and unduly focused on you and your mother in law's agenda of cutting you down, blaming you, etc, you are within your rights to leave the session. You might want to discuss this with your husband beforehand. OTOH, I agree with the other posters that you don't necessarily need to go to the session if you feel it won't be productive.

I feel stronger about the situation thanks to you and everyone. I plan on sitting down with my Husband after the Halloween weekend and reiterating that we are a team. Not to say, he does not already know this, but just to say it out-load. Maybe even have a plan. For instance, we don't have to talk about the session directly after the session, but at least hug. Also, if either of us squeeze the other's hand during the session, this could me, "I'm about to loose it...." or "I need support." I think I'll feel better going in if we at least talk about it and prepare. This is new for everyone and I know I can't control this situation, but I can control what I say. So, I agree with you, I won't be giving too much away in the beginning. I want to see how this goes and how my MIL acts. I'm at a loss with how my FIL will react. He's a very closed off personality, so I imagine he will be quite unless directly spoken too or if MIL starts crying. Gah! Can't believe we are doing this. Doesn't seem real. Something good has to come from this.

Agreed! If I feel attacked then I will leave or at least break and come back, depending on how strong I feel. It will be interesting to see how they will act when I'm in the room. Meaning, they have no problem voicing their feeling to my Husband when I'm not there. I expect the first session to be quiet. But, I could be entirely wrong. Thank you for your response. I'm hoping the Counselor does make a short introduction or at the very least go around the room and ask what we hope to get from the sessions.

you MIL will show her true colors if you let her talk first and make a fool of herself that others outside the relationship can see!!good luck

Just last night, me and my Husband talked about the upcoming session. We talked about what we hope to get from the sessions and our fears. He is anxious to just get started and see if the counseling can help. I'm anxious at the thought of, being attacked or singled out during the session.

I said to him, "We are a team and our own family unit. I need to hear and know that if sides have to be taken, you will chose your wife's!" He was surprised and answered, "What makes you think I would not choose your side?" I think sometimes, I just need a verbal confirmation that we are on the same page. I also mentioned to him, if I feel attacked, I will announce it and may walk out the room...depending on the situation. He was okay with this.

Im feeling more reassured about us and our stance together as we go into our first session. My Husband also felt reassured that I was approaching this so seriously.

Thank you for all the support and comments. You have made me feel so supported and heard! Have a wonderful Halloween Weekend and I will update later next week.

The Family Counseling Session never happened and this is why I haven't updated. Gah!

Tuesday night, my husband calls his Mother to get the details for Wednesday Night's session. She informs him, no one called her back. So this scheduled session was never scheduled in the first place.

My MIL's MO is to set things in motion and wait for someone (A.K.A my Husband) to pick-up the slack and make it happen. He is not biting this time and I'm supporting him with that decision.

Supposedly, we have a tentative session tomorrow, Saturday morning at a Counseling College training thingy. All I know is, my MIL called the school and a Counselor in Training would sit with us while being observed by a licensed Counselor.

This is starting to turn into a joke. There are plenty of counselors where we are. It's not like with live in a town of 200, we're in frickin suburbia.

So, basically this session may or may not happen at some point. Letting the MIL take the reins. We can only take this as seriously as she does. My FIL doesn't think we need family counseling, so he is no help.

As Thanksgiving approaches, session or no session... this is going to be awkward.

That is my long-winded update.

FIL is making the most sense. MIL has decided she doesn't want this to cost her much, and that is why she chose the college. That would be the cheapest place to go, if it even costs anything. (Kind of like getting a haircut at a barber college.) If it turns out to be really cheap, then she has no incentive to not drag this out for as long as possible. Though I think there is a limit to how much attention the school is going to want to invest in this enterprise. Leave it up to her to make whatever arrangements are to be made. Your husband shouldn't be calling her to find out the appointment time. MIL should be calling him when she has it finalized. This is her project. Let her be responsible.

You said above that your husband is anxious to get started and see if counseling "can help." What is it that he wants helped? That sounds like he is buying into his MIL's premise that something has to be worked out. MIL did not come up with this idea because she wants to know how to have a nicer relationship with you. She wants to have everybody acting more in accord with her will. That's her goal. She probably thinks you need to be straightened out. There's a good chance that the counseling student and her supervisor are going to eventually figure out what's going on here, if you hang back and let others do the talking.

If the MIL talks negatively about you, then you have the option to just not react. You jumping up and leaving the room could be just the sort of drama that your MIL can exploit. If she starts displaying her negativity toward you, that will show up where her head is at. You might want to consider just letting her yack away. There is power in refusing to react.

When you go home after a session, you and your husband can quietly decide whether or not to return for another session. This whole thing is starting to sound like a joke. Let your MIL play out whatever she will, and see what happens. Your husband may learn something from this.

Our first Session with my In-Laws was this past Wednesday. I needed a few days before posting on here, to process.

I heeded everyones advice and when spoken to, I tried to be as calm, direct and short as I could be. A few times I felt the tears, but I told myself, "I Am Calm."

The session began with the Counselor, from the Institute introducing himself and us filling out paperwork. A webcam was on behind him recording for his Supervisor.

Leading up to the session, I was felt nervous, anxious and sick to my stomach. You wouldn't know to look at me, but I was freaking-out inside.

The Counselor, drew-out a family tree for his paperwork and started with me. I was blunt and to the point, as I will be here when I explain my background.

I began with, "If it helps the group..." I took my parents (My Step-Dad and Mother) to court at 24yrs old for physical, sexual and verbal abuse from the ages of 5 to 24. The most difficult day of my entire life. I had no legal representation and so I cross-examined both parents. The charges were thrown out. Anyways, I also explained, that I was sexual molested by my older half-sister. It's taken many years and a few counselors to help me get to where I am today.

I was hesitant about bringing up my past, as I mentioned in previous posts, because I did not want it used against me in family counseling. However, when I was asked to talk about it, I was very clear that these people have been out of my life since before my husband and me met. I said, "No one is this room has been affected by them."

Next my MIL started to talk about my husbands seizure months ago and how I texted instead of calling. Long story short...while in the hospital, my husband was texting his Mother, but was so disoriented he handed me the phone and asked me to continue. I was in-shock and basically did what I was told. No disrespect to his Mother or Father, I was in shock, confused and crying about what was happening. Days later I apologized about, said text, and explained. So when it came in counseling, I was a little surprised. I explained the situation again for the Counselor.

My FIL, when not sarcastic said, I was reserved and the family did not change until I arrived. He was hoping to get a loving Daughter in-law and didn't. When asked to explain myself, I said, "I am emotionally sensitive to others. If they are distant, I'm distant. I match the feelings of the room." I explained that I noticed a change around their 25th Wedding Anniversary. This would be 2 years into our relationship. My FIL said, you weren't even on my radar back then, all smug like. I reminded him, at their Anniversary I asked him to dance and he told me, "I like you Amanda and I hope to know you 25 more years." I said directly to him and the Counselor, rather you recall this conversation or not, I will always cherish the memory. After meeting my loving husband I expected to meet his loving parents and they were anything but.

My MIL, when not crying explained she wants a loving family and doesn't understand why we are not. This is the kind of manipulation she pulls on people and I hope the counselor or his supervisor will catch onto this.

Most of the conversation was coming from the Counselor or between me and my FIL.

We all had to come up with one word to as our goal for these sessions and mine was, "Respect." My MIL could not give a word and rambled on about a loving family. My FIL said, "What she said." My Husband said, he could not give just one word and would need to think about his answer.

My husband did speak in the session, but it was mostly about the seizure. The counselor dominated most of the session either talking or probing my MIL and FIL.

Sorry, for the novel. Lots to say and I really don't have girlfriends or family (other than my husband) to chat about this and get feedback. Session next Wednesday.

Your husband handled the session very well. I love the way he declined to come up with his "one word" and said he would need time to think about his answer. That was brilliant. That was him owning his mental space and not being manipulated by the encounter. I love the way he spoke only, or mostly, about the seizure, which was the supposed reason for this therapy.

So you revealed that: "After meeting my loving husband, I expected to meet his loving parents and they were anything but." That's what you told the therapist! Your in-laws will remember for the rest of their lives that you said that. If they didn't like you before, they like you even less now. So you can't stand these people, and you want to put that right on the table? What do you think you are doing? Were you getting even because your father-in-law said he was hoping to get a loving daughter-in-law and didn't? When he said that, the proof was on the table that your in-laws don't like you. All you had to do was sit quietly and express sorrow and concern that this is how they feel. The person who says, "I'm so sorry you feel that way." is the person who is keeping their dignity." But instead, you got down in the dirt with your father-in-law, and the two of you rolled around in the mud together, exchanging insults. You were winning, and you through it away.

Your mother-in-law sat there, letting her husband do her dirty work, watching you get completely discombobulated. And, when she opens her mouth, it's only to say how she wants people to love each other. What a brilliant thing to say! Your mother-in-law is a genius with words. No one will ever catch flack for saying they want there to be more love. You can consider that first counseling session to have been a total victory for Mama. She didn't express hostility. But you did. She was hurt by the texting - poor thing - and you got all defensive. All you had to say was, "I'm so sorry you found that hurtful." or (like I told you above) "I didn't know you felt that way . . . I'm glad you are explaining this. Tell us more." Then sit quietly and listen, while she does the talking.

If you are looking for affirmation of your perception of things, then go by yourself to a counselor of your own and get therapy for you and keep the discussions private between your therapist and you. That is not what these "family" sessions are for. These sessions are an opportunity for you to practice getting along with these in-laws in a supervised setting, where there is an objective witness to everything that takes place. This is not a contest to win the approval of the counselor. That counselor isn't going to be part of your life. But those parents of your husband's are going to be part of your life till the day they die. And now they have more reason to dislike you. You talked bad about them . . . right in front of them . . . to a perfect stranger.

If you want to bear your soul and put your guts on the table, go to therapy alone . . . or with your husband who loves you. Do not do that in front of these two people who don't like you and do not deserve to hear any of your very personal and private feelings. Your very personal, painful story about what you went through in your family of origin is the last thing on earth that you should discuss in front of these people with whom you are not in a loving relationship and probably never will be. Your goal is to practice getting along with these two bozos in a manner that preserves your dignity and minimizes their access to your buttons and their ability to stress you out. They are not your parents. You have no obligation to love them, only to get along with them as courteously as you can manage, while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

If my post sounds unsupportive, I am truly sorry. You deserve a ton of support. These in-laws are enticing you into an emotional meat grinder, and you are taking the bait. Damage is being done that an army of counselors won't be able to undo. You are handling this as if they were your own parents. They're not. Put up your guard and maintain your emotional boundaries. Do not bare your soul in front of these people. Do not let your mother-in-law engineer you being stripped naked in front if her. No counselor can protect you from that, especially not an amateur. You are responsible to protect you. This is not that courtroom that you went into at age 24. You are handling this, as you did that. (And your effort back then was inept and unsuccessful.)

I am so sorry for the lifetime of pain you have endured. What you are doing is not helping that. If you have a loving husband, be glad of that and protect that. Protect that by refusing to be baited into conflict with his parents in front of him, even if you think you are just following the guidance of a counselor. Stay quiet and let other people talk. Your husband has boundary problems with his parents, and he is as responsible for that as they are. These counseling sessions are for him and his parents to work some of
that out. Just you be a quiet, polite observer, and don't get in the way. Letting you interact with his parents is your husband's way of not dealing. Step back. Let that family work out whatever they will. This should not be about you. By making it all about you, Papa and Mama are completely evading the main issue, which is "Why are they all up in the business of their son's seizure disorder, as if he were their 6 year old son and not a grown up married man, with a wife who is plenty capable of helping him manage his medical issues, as is the responsibility of a spouse - not of his mother.

I hope some of my thoughts may be helpful for you to consider. Disregard whatever hasn't been. You don't have to convince me, or ANYONE, of anything. As long as you and your husband are convinced of each other's love, that is all that really matters. Nowhere is it written that wives are supposed to love their in-laws, or vice versa. Often they don't, and vice versa. And that's just fine, as long as the various parties manage to be reasonably courteous toward each other.

Well, I guess I've gone on long enough. Sorry.

Feeling a bit naked after reading your post.

The counseling session gave me an opportunity to speak directly to both of them. In this, I'm very proud of myself for being direct, making eye-contact and for being clear. Perceived weakness is a characteristic this family feeds on and in this instance, it was important to have them see me.

In future sessions I will take the opportunity to just say, "I don't have an answer. I will need to think about that." Learning, that I don't have to be compliant in every situation and I'm not responsible for other's behavior... is a process.

Um, I agree with a poster a page or two up said about this being Epilepsy and how on earth would something like this warrant counselling. I would think too this is a matter that could be discussed as a group with your partner's family doctor.

But this is the route that has been chosen, and apparently by your mother-in-law. Obviously she has more she wants to put on the table. I don't think it's too hard to figure out her intentions.

HOWEVER,

any therapist worth a grain of salt would not allow that to happen. You are supposed to be there to discuss how as a family to deal with and support your spouse. Your therapist should keep the session focused to just that. If your MIL wishes to bring up stuff personal to you, your therapist I don't think is even allowed to take the discussion there unless they have an indication from you that you are okay with it.

Thank you for what you said. You're exactly right, the focus needs to be on my Husband's seizure and how that has impacted him and our family. I understand the Counselor wants to know our past histories because this could dictate how we react to future situations.

If you will permit me, I would like to share an epiphany with you and everyone I just had.

For my entire life, I've had this need to be heard and understood. Heck, I've confronted Bosses, Co-workers and Family Members. When I'm not feeling heard or understood, I buckle down and put up walls. Often thinking to myself, "This is my lot.... No one will ever understand me."

Up until a moment ago, I thought there must be something wrong with me. It's true, I grew up in a dysfunctional home and my need to be heard might be greater than someone else's, but that does not mean there is something wrong with me. We all need to be heard and validated!

I just read an article that stated, "90% of all people feel misunderstood and not heard." Reading this, gave me validation and understanding. My need to be heard, our need to be heard is a survival need. Without it we can feel lost and betrayed.

Understanding this need helps me understand my MIL and FIL's motivations. They also grew-up in dysfunctional homes and their need to be heard is great, like mine. I am grateful for this understanding! Going forward I will work on being a better active listener. My want to be heard by them, is not so great anymore. I think I'm ready to move forward in a more productive way.

I still don't really understand how this could be happening. I am trying to understand but the whole premise is just not making sense. I really hope it's not going to backfire

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Sorry, I'm misunderstanding you. Would you mind explaining what you mean by, "backfire"?

In attempts to make it better it might make it all way worse. The relationship with in laws I mean. I also feel that you and your husband don't come across as two adults making your own decisions but rather two children led by his parents. I don't know any other couples who would ever agree to anything of the sorts. They demand therapy and they organized and yo two followed. Session also seemed to be run by them and you being on defensive. This just seems unreal to me. But good luck

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Yeah for you! That is great insight. With those realizations, you have just made yourself more powerful and less liable to be at the mercy of others.