Family Counseling with my in-laws. Help!

Hello

I decided to wait until our last session, to post an update. In total, there were 5 sessions. It does not seem like much, but we did cover a lot of ground.

For anyone considering Family Counseling or Counseling with your In-laws, please read.
Disclaimer: This is solely my experience and from my perspective.

In brief, I've been married to my husband for 3 years, but we have been seriously together for 12. I have no family or close friends. My husband and my wonderful dog, Axle are my dearest and closest confidants. I have been to at least 3 Counselors over the years stemming from a dysfunctional family upbringing. I'm a complete advocate for the profession. If you are open to counseling and willing to see another's viewpoint, counseling can be a blessing.

My MIL and FIL have dysfunctional families as well. My MIL saw a counselor, 10+ years ago. Do not know the extent of that resolve. My FIL has never been to a Counselor. My husband and I went to counseling for 1.5 years and can honestly say, we are the better for it.

What brought us to counseling: feeling the lack of expectance from my MIL and FIL, meddling in our marriage and their lack of understanding for my Husband and his Epilepsy. My Husband felt he was forced in the Middle of the people he loved and was the glue that kept everything together. MIL and FIL did not feel we needed counseling and that everything was/is fine. My Husband made an ultimatum to his Parents, either we go to counseling or he leaves the family business and we move away. Extreme yes, but necessary for these personality types.

Going into counseling with my in-laws, I was worried about being personally blamed and/or attacked for my lack of family. Sure enough my concerns manifested in the very first session.

Personal Goals for Family Counseling:
Clean slate.
Everyone gets heard.
Everyone comes to the realization that, we have contributed to the dysfunction of this family.
Set Family Boundaries that include personal and suggestions for better communication.

Everyone did get a chance to speak. The problem was, my MIL and FIL were not active listeners and therefore, many examples and feelings had to be repeated in further sessions. My In-laws did not see themselves at fault. They were not willing to point the finger towards themselves. My MIL was too busy taking control, speaking for everyone and lecturing the Counselor. My FIL was too busy defending, yelling and not willing see other's viewpoints. All-in-all every session was hard, dramatic and exhausting.

A few months ago I learned, my need to be heard and validated was great. This is very common amongst abuse victims. Knowing this, I tried my very best to be calm in the midst of anger and accusations. Remembering to speak from the heart and not force my opinion. This was not easy.

My MIL accused me of putting up boundaries. My FIL accused me of not being upfront about my feelings. Both said, I was taking their Son from them. Both said, I let my triggers get the best of me.

Anytime, you are honest, be prepared to have it thrown back at you. My so-called triggers were brought up in almost every session. My in-laws tried to make me appear volatile and accused me of being the perpetrator of our current situation.

In our very last session, I addressed these accusations. Mentioning, everyone in this room has triggers. The concerns of my past are invalid and do not effect anyone in this room. Being honest and upfront is not a weakness. My In-laws have a desperate need to be heard. At one point it felt like a pissing contest, for who had the worst upbringing. I only talked about my past, when requested by the Counselor and if I felt it helped the group. Twice, I also declined to comment. There is power in not adding to the drama.

We have a follow-up session on February 16th. My idea!

My suggestions to anyone going into a similar situation are:
1) Speak from the heart and be your authentic self.
2) Use, "I feel..." statements.
3) Don't physically point at someone and watch your body language.
4) Do not let anyone speak for you.
5) Make eye-contact with the person whom you're speaking with.
6) Bring something to drink. Your mouth will get dry and it will help absorb your nervous energy.
7) Be willing to see your faults too.
8) Realize all things take time.
9) Also, realize that things might not change, but know you have a better perspective now and maybe a hopeful plan.
10) A little prayer for yourself or meditation before every session, will really help. I also keep cypress oil in my purse. It helps to release tension.
11) Bringing up specific incidents are helpful, but doing it too much will only keep everyone in the past.
12) Recap each session to yourself. You might find after a few days you see things differently, or see something that needs to be readdressed.
13) Keep your expectations realistic for yourself and those in counseling with you. High expectation are great, but they can be disappointing when those closest to you, don't reach them.
14) Lastly, find a Counselor that will agree to meet with each of you independently for 1 session before group sessions start. Choose a Counselor that is familiar with your counseling needs and is of the same culture. Our Counselor was from Asia and we had language and cultural differences/issues with each session. Overall, nice Guy, but it would have been better to have someone from our culture.

Where we go from here, no one knows. Me and my Husband have decided to let his Parents take the lead and set the pace. We can't force a family, it has to develop naturally.

Best of luck to all of you. Thank you for reading and your comments. Let me know if you have any questions!

So your MIL felt counseling was not needed? I thought counseling was her idea.

Are things better, now that you've had this counseling?

I know it's confusing with my MIL. She brought it up, to make it appear as effort and did nothing. My Husband made her follow through with it.

Better? It's all in perspective and too early to tell. Last session was last night. My Husband is coming to the realization that his parents may not have the capacity to be supportive and warm.

I have hopes things will at the very least improve, but I'm also protecting myself if they don't. Trying to stay neutral as much as possible.

Same as rose I am confused as I thought it was mother in law idea but now it sounds as husband gave them an ultimatum and they didn't want it. If they forced to go there because of their sons ultimatum it explains why they were so aggressive in sessions.

Overall was it worse it? Did it help?


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Ya know what they say.

'How many psyciatrists does it take to change a light bulb?'

Only one. But the light bulbs gotta really want to change.

If MIL was forced to go she is not going to want change.
MIL likes things as they are. Shame, but true.

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What I get out of all this is that your husband's parents don't like you, and you don't like them.

That's how it was before counseling, and that's how it was after. So the counseling was pretty much a waste.

I was sharing my experience for others and giving advice from the perspective of been there, done that. Unfortunately, ours does not have a happy ending. I wouldn't say, it was a waste of time, but maybe that's my hopes showing. The In-laws are set in their ways and this is more apparent now then ever. It is what it is.

Counseling gave us a safe place to talk without tantrums and door slamming. This is the only good, I currently see coming out of it.

I'm sure "others" are deeply indebted to you.

I'm sorry there wasn't a happier ending for you. Must have been tough listening to MIL lecture.

I honestly think the only lesson comes out of it is do not go to counseling with in-laws. But I think that's what everyone said to you before you even started going

I would take it up with your husband. Why isn't he growing up and stops acting as mamas boy. Why did he force you and his mother to sit there and reenforce how much you dislike each other. It gave his mom more opportunity to show her power over two of you

If my parents acted like morons with my fiancée ( they do not but my dad is a very difficult pain in a butt maybe worse than your in laws and I wouldn't rule out that possibility) I wouldn't make him to go to counseling with them. That would be a torture to poor guy. I can't imagine. He'd have to sit and listen like he is s little boy in a principal's office.

Work on your marriage as two adults, you are married to each other not to his parents.

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I wouldn't necessarily say it was wasted effort. You tried to improve communication with your in laws for the betterment of your marriage and harmony in the family you have married into. You now have a clearer understanding of who your in laws are and what their limitations are as you continue to live with your husband. Sometimes the benefits can only be experienced with time.

Thank you! Exactly, what I'm wanting to convey to anyone reading. Counseling was a good idea, even though I had my doubts in the beginning. My In-laws did show up for every meeting. I can see now, that their motive was to make me and my husband appear to be the problem and not them. Eventually, this idea turned on them and the Counselor became wise to their guise.

Like I mentioned, in a previous post... you can't force a family connection. I knew what I was marrying into too. Ignorant to the fact that they would once see me as a blessing and not a hindrance. I am genuinely a good a person who has lots of love to give and I can only hope in the coming months/years they realize this. If not, that is out of my hands and I will continue to be my authentic self. My In-laws are abundantly aware now, that I will speak-up if need be.

Thank you! It was extremely tough to listen to my In-laws and their hurtful remarks. Hearing they're honest opinion of me, let me know how they saw me and that they really don't know me. After 12 years, they still do not see me. Counseling did help them hear me for the first time and I can only hope in the coming years, they see why their son married me.

With the new information that your husband was the one pushing the counseling, I am a little concerned. It sounds like he thinks that in order for the two of you to have a good marriage, you need to get along with his parents. Perhaps he feels like he is "stuck in the middle" of the conflict between you sometimes.

The thing is, this is not the case. In a marriage, there is no need to get along with the in-laws. There should be no middle. One's spouse (and children, if there are any) comes first. If one's parents are acting in a toxic way towards one's spouse, it's time to say, "Until you can treat my spouse with respect, we can't have a relationship anymore."

Now, if counseling can help the spouse and the in-laws come to this position of mutual respect, great! But it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here. It sounds like you go into therapy and bare your soul to these people. Of course you do--you are a nice, honest person and you just want to get along.

But consider that your in-laws may not be nice, honest people and that their objective may not be to get along. Instead, they use what you disclose in therapy against you as ammunition. In this case, therapy is not helping. It's giving your in-laws juicy bits of information in their battle against you.

I don't intend to be mean or insulting by saying these things, and it's entirely possible I'm misunderstanding the situation. I honestly hope you do what's best for you. But I wonder if this group therapy with your in-laws is just making things worse.

Are you going to couples counseling with your husband? Perhaps that may work out better.

I appreciate your comment and concerns. Me and Husband have been to counseling and it was great for us! My In-Laws are not warm, supporting people. I guess my Husband was hoping, as a last effort, that counseling would have the same effect on them as it did for us.

Me and my Husband are great! One of the issues is, I have absolutely NO family, so whatever drama his side creates, takes over. Also, he works for the family business. We have a tentative 3 year plan of him exiting. It's so complicated and not easy.

I'm beginning to realize his parent are much like mine. Broken, dysfunctional and can't not see past themselves and the effects of what they've done. I left my family to be healthy and happy. It's unfortunate, that I married into another dysfunctional family, but no family is ever perfect. My husband is the love of my life and I'm grateful he is trying. It's not easy for him. He is also taking big steps to get out of middle. I'm helping by communicating with them directly.

I did not take any offense to what you said. You were more cautious then most and gentle in your response.