I'm crazy :(

I don't know what to do, I'm still indecisive, after 2 years of emptiness from my husband. I'm scared of what's going to happen when I fully leave him. I'm slowly accepting the fact that he will not be with me anymore. That he will feel betrayed, and not want to be in our lives, probably..

I've been out looking for love and attention. I know I deserve it. while he is in denial of our separation, tries to get help with his issues and addiction to drugs. I've tried for so long after many tears, the cycle continues. It's so hard to leave someone after many years, many memories, but I Lost him 2 years ago, its too painful to linger anymore, for me and our baby's sake I got to move on, right? And is it wrong seeing this other man?

Am I doing the right thing? Everybody says I am. Except my soon to be ex husband, and me. I don't know I need reassurance. I'm numb

You aren't crazy. Sorry you are struggling. If you are legally divorced of course it is very fine to see the other man. It is always advisable to take some time off to reflect ( which I neglect to do and get into a mess dating on rebound) but 2 years is enough I think . I understand pain and memories but life goes on. Good luck and you'll meet the right person. Sending you hugs

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Hi Jan, it is very difficult to be in a relationship with an addict. It is difficult to be there for them through recovery, but when the person you love continues on the path to destruction, then you are in the situation of asking yourself how much can I put myself through. When you have had enough you have had enough.....in any relationship. I would say, yes it is time for you to do what is best for yourself. Good luck

Thanks so much. You guys don't know how much your responses mean to me. I'm in tears of happiness. I'm mentally exhausted. Even after seeing pdocs and counselors.. Meetings.. Thanks so much for helping and for the words

No you're not crazy. I read the following a while back and saved it. Maybe it will resonate with you.

Being kind and understanding is very different from allowing yourself to be abused, mistreated or disrespected. Sometimes there’s a thin line between compassion for other people, and abuse of self. Being spiritual does not mean we allow ourselves to be injured, dumped on, taken advantage of, or treated like a doormat. When you’ve lost your self-respect and you’ve allowed your tender heart to be handled in a reckless way, you’ve betrayed the most vulnerable part of yourself, and that’s the source of your light and your strength. There is no true spiritual practice that demands you hand that over.

Sometimes I get emails from people wondering where the line is. I’ll tell you what I think. I think in order to help, nurture or support anyone else, we have to be doing those things for ourselves, first. You can’t be a source of strength for anyone if you’re doubting your worth. And if someone is treating you badly, your job is to remove yourself from that situation. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to cut this person out of your life (although it will mean that in some instances), but before you can figure out what to do or how to respond, you have to get yourself to a safe space. I mean that physically, mentally and emotionally. You are not here to participate in the dimming of your light, or the crushing of your spirit.

We can recognize when people we love are in pain. And of course, it’s natural to want to help. But we can’t save other people, or fix them, or make them see how beautiful they are. And when a person is in acute pain, you’re likely to get some spillover.

This is where boundaries come into play. Standing up for yourself does not run counter to having empathy. You empathize, but you get the hell out of Dodge and do that from a distance where you can still honor and protect your own gorgeous heart. If someone is in a space where they abuse you, neglect you, belittle you, or discard you like trash, you really can’t participate in that and feel good about yourself. It’s okay, and it’s imperative to say no sometimes. No, this is not okay for me. You deserve love and kindness and respect as much as anyone else. And you serve no one by forgetting that, or compromising your own sense of what’s right.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we never thought we’d allow. I think most of us have been there at least once. Sometimes it’s romantic relationships, sometimes it’s familial, once in awhile we allow ourselves to be abused by a “friend” or co-worker or boss. Maybe it’s insidious. Things start out well enough, but little by little things deteriorate, until one day we wake up and wonder what happened, and how exactly we landed ourselves in this painful situation.

Start where you are. If you’re being abused in any way, get yourself some support. Gather yourself up and remember your work here is to love and to shine and to connect. And do whatever you need to do to make yourself safe. That’s your baseline job. That’s the number one thing. Because until that basic need is met, until it’s safe for you to be vulnerable, you won’t be living. Sending you love, Ally Hamilton

Thanks so much Hanna, my mind feels a lot clearer. He's been trying, but also failing, I separated him from his addiction, so I went back and forth, and back n forth... I know there's little hope to get him back.. I need to focus on my life finally so much to accomplish.. I can't wait! :-) I feel sad when he comes to me again begging for help I did all I could, but I lost my health, I couldn't take care of my newborn right, I've been so alone for too long

I forgot to say that yes I'm dating and it does feel wrong yeah it does feel like rebound for passion.. We are not legally divorced; I didn't have the courage to go through with it. I see it as he's cheating on me with his drugs. I don't know where he is for the whole day. I keep my distance too but the other man seems to understand

I suggest to get divorce and move on. I lived with alcoholic, 9 years. No thanks. It never gets better, they usually relapse as it is addiction, hugs

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Jan, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in a similar indecisive nature with my ex-husband. It took about a year but I finally went through and we got the divorce legalized. It was SO liberating. I won't say I didn't still get sad or think I had made the wrong decision for about the first month or two. But, I got stronger every day and I started to SMILE again and LAUGH again. And that was the most perfect blessing ever. I had lost myself in my chaotic marriage and finding myself again was perfect. I too sought out the comfort of another during this transition and that is not WRONG. Just be clear about your expectations of any relationship during this transition and I think you should go forward with the divorce if you think this marriage is over. It sounds like emotionally, you have separated. Take the legal step to make it so and you don't have to live in the in-between of being separated but still legally bonded to someone. Hang in there! No matter what, know its NORMAL to feel this way and you are far from crazy. You are doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family. That is the most important thing here. We cannot help people that don't want help. You've been supportive but you've lost your own identity in the process, it sounds like. Hang in there! You can do it. And you've got support here.