What would make a guy purposely lead a girl on

This guy dragged me on for WEEKS. He cancelled on our dates 4 times. He started lying to me towards the end saying he wasn't getting my texts.
Finally, after WEEKS of this leading me on and sweet talking me but never going through with the plans, he finally told me that he didn't think it was going to work out (Before we even went on a date!) he also said some BS about how it was only physical between us and he isn't looking for that because he's "really busy right now". I've never even kissed the guy - so what's all that "its only physical between us" about? Makes no sense! I'm just wondering why a guy would purposely lead a girl on for weeks, flirting and everything, only to cancel a bunch of times and then finally after weeks of this nonsense say nah nevermind.

Like what? I even said to him "I liked everything about you and you never even gave this a chance." He said "You don't know everything about me, keep thinking that if it makes you feel better."
He is the most inconsiderate person I've ever talked to. And he makes no sense. Confusing to say the least. I just don't even know what would motivate a guy to lead a girl on if he has no intention of dating her, that's just a waste of time. Does he have mental issues that caused him to act this way or something? He's in his late 20s so I can't really blame it on immaturity. The line, "He just isn't that into you" doesn't really make sense here because he was literally leading me on for weeks flirting and complimenting me. By the way yes I know he was real, he wasn't a fake person or something. He does have ptsd though.

That's not a mental illness that's him just being a jerk. He did make a legitimate point. You didn't really know him, You only knew what he allowed you to know. Which is true of anyone when they first meet someone new.

In the future don't invest so much thought into a potential date. If you start talking to someone, Just chit chat, If that chatting doesn't result in a date soon , as in like a week 2 at most... then stop chatting and move on. You can only be lead on if "you" allow it.


I'm sorry he hurt you, just use this as a learning tool..

Thanks Christina, yeah I didn't mean "everything" he apparently took me literally though because he's the most difficult person to talk to so he found a way to attack me somehow. I meant that I liked what I knew about him so far as a person, which actually isn't even true because he's such a jerk. Lol

Sorry. Sending you hugs

This sucks but why would say you like everything or in fact anything about him when first of all you do not know him and second of all he is a jerk. You like him being a jerk. What's that you like?

Also after he cancelled the first time and didn't tell you just stood you up ( not legitimately cancelled due to illness or other emergency) you had to stop talking to him. You instead let him do it three more times.

Why do you care what he does and why. Focus on why you do what you do. I don't mean to be harsh as iv been there done that. So I feel for you.

And I don't understand why when women on PC meet a jerk or a man who just isn't interested they assume he has issues or mental illness. Does it make anything better? I have never met anyone in real life who would try to diagnose potential dates especially if they don't even know them!!!!

Are you in therapy? That would be helpful to address why you feel desperation like this and why you allow such treatment . I am in therapy and am really trying to get better as I did similar things you do and I am almost 50! My t says I am showing growth. I guess never too late!


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No I assumed he had mental issues because of the things he said and the way he talked to me and the way he would plan something down to the hour and then either cancel or ignore me. The only reason why I let him do it three times was because I really liked him. And I would have totally cut my losses the first time if he didn't keep leading me on, he would say things to me like "Wow you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." Then cancel on our date and he would confuse me with what he said versus his actions. I don't feel desperation for him, I just kept giving him a chance because I'm actually nice and really liked him. Plus I thought it was his mental issues because he has PTSD which I'm very familiar with so instead of just assuming things I gave him the benefit of the doubt and wondered if I needed to be extra patient with him because of his PTSD.
And the only reason why I said I liked everything about him was because I was trying to let him know that it wasn't just physical for me, I actually liked him, not just for his good looks.

It would be desperation if he said hey I'm not interested, and I kept trying. But he literally kept leading me on, so I was very confused. I really did attribute his behavior to his PTSD, but maybe he was just a plain old jerk.

My question was just "what would make a guy lead a girl on" since obviously he wasn't interested but kept acting like he was. I don't still want him, I'm totally done with it.

maybe he is married or in a relationship already and doing things like posting you on the side and had to break it off with you because of it. some guys just like the attention before they realize what they've gotten themselves into. maybe you went too fast too. just suggestions. good luck

Some guys pull that garbage because they like the feeling of being in control. They play with other people because they can get away with it. It's being an a&%hole is what it is.

You asked

I ask in reply:

What would make a woman allow herself to be led on?

If I could make a suggestion: kindness is a beautiful trait but perhaps it could benefit from some boundaries: as divine said, don't give a guy a second chance if he stands you up.

No matter how much he compliments you: Don't give a guy who stands you up a second chance--much less a third and fourth one!

You don't need to know what his problem is. All you need to know is that he wasn't interested enough, decent enough, to show up for a date with "The most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It is up to you, though, to see that it doesn't happen again. Be as kind and caring and considerate and protective of yourself as you are of others.

(((((CosmicRose)))))

I don't know why it is matter why he does and why. It would matter if he was your significant other or your husband, then you can try to understand, but you don't even know him. You have not even met!!!

What do you care if he has mental illness? He isn't interested and isn't nice enough to be direct about it. And is rude standing you up. That's all you need to know.

I know it sucks but unless you take responsibility for what you do things will never get better. Self respect is a must.

And honestly if a man isn't interested plus is a jerk, no amount of kindness is going to change that .

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He sounds like a complete jerk, first off I will say that but I will say that we don't know that he "purposefully led you on" either. Granted the way he handled it was horrible and I don't think he deserves the benefit of the doubt but you don't know that maybe he was considering it with you and changed his mind but handled it terribly.. or that he found someone else to date or something else.

And the reason I state this is not to give him any credit at all. you're better off without a guy that is so cold and arrogant. The reason I do mention this is because thinking that he went out of his way to lead you only serves to give you more reasons to feel horrible about it. yes he still handled it horribly and is a jerk and downright mean with the comment "go on thinking that if it makes you feel better" but don't make it worse by the assumption you made.

Keep on looking, there are good guys out there but keep in mind they may not stand out as much as the loud, proud and ultimately obnoxious terrible ones

See, those kinds of over-the-top compliments just ring false to me. To say this to a woman he has never met makes it really unlikely that he is being sincere-- and therefore his actions are also probably insincere. It sounds much more like a cheesy pick-up line than a genuine compliment.

I also still don't understand what you liked about him. Since you had never met, what did you know about him to give you the impression that you liked him? I find it hard to "like" someone before I actually get to know them.

Some people think of interacting with people online (or not in person) is just play. Maybe they act like a stud and have an avatar that looks nothing like themselves. It's sad because they don't consider the feelings of the person they're interacting with. The fact he didn't end it after the first cancelled no show date says, to me, he was more interested in getting attention from you then considering you as a person. So sorry.

My sister did a lot of online dating and she set up parameters. She wouldn't continue messaging/talking to someone more than a few times if they didn't meet in person.

So many people on here have asked some really good questions about how invested you got in this guy before meeting in person, good stuff.
I used to have these sort of fantasy relationships where I was, on an emotional level, practically dating someone I hardly knew. It caused me a lot of heartache because I was always feeling rejected because they didn't bring the same feeling/investment/care to our interactions as I did. I've had some scary abusive relationships in the past and I was unconsciously scared to get involved so I focused on situations that would never really happen.

That's very true. When you are in a relationship then most certainly whatever works, some people are very expressive, and such compliment could be very sincere. . But if he never met you and you don't know each other? Creepy.

I could see how someone might like other person online. There are people I like on this forum ( not romantically). Why? Things in common, same communication style, good understanding of each other . But with this guy? Did you have deep profound exchange of ideas? I think 4 cancelled dates and no shows is bad enough not to like the guy

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Well I don't like him anymore of course but yes I did feel a deep connection with him and quite honestly he was exactly my type and exceptionally handsome, so right away I got a little more attached than I probably normally would have. I also felt a connection with him because we both have PTSD, we both have anxiety and we are both INFJ on the personality spectrum. I also really liked him for other reasons that I won't mention here as it is personal to his life. We did exchange many pictures and even video of each other saying hi. I'm not sure why I was so invested in him but I was. I thought he kept putting off the dates because he was nervous to meet me.

I guess I'm just left feeling disappointed in myself that I gave him so many chances, I assumed he was sincere. But at least now I know.

Hi CosmicRose, I know how this feels, and you feel right now exactly how you were manipulated to feel. How else could it turn out?
If he suddenly contacts you out of the blue, in a few days or weeks, don't be surprised. But, whatever you do, don't take the bait.
I'll tell you why, it sounds like he is a manipulative jerk narcissist.
Research that.
Having not real 'relationships' is their specialty because they get to pull all the strings, they can pretend to feel or do whatever benefits themselves and have no obligation to you, it may be not so much if they think ahead and plan it all, its because they truly don't and can't care about what your side of the relationship is. They're too busy making sure they aren't bored and that they're getting lots of attention from lots of people.
But, whether or not he's dysfunctional, you need to build some boundaries. You have to protect yourself from being hurt. And someone who blatantly defies the most common and core elements of good behavior is not going to stop there.
When someone shows you who they are, beleive them.

Thank you Notheard, I also got the narcissist vibe from him as well. He seemed to be very one-sided with his emotions and remarks.
And I agree with you that he is used to getting lots of attention from lots of people, on his social media page he has literally over 400 followers and most of them are women who constantly give him compliments on all of his photos, so it shouldn't have surprised me that I was tossed like a used napkin. I was just the flavor of the week, so to speak. Lol

& these past 2 weeks I've really been working on self respect and boundaries. I had another ex contact me and I didn't go see him, I told him I wasn't interested anymore, I put my feelings first and was honest with him. I will continue to work on not letting guys take advantage of me in more ways than one.

I think your heading in the right direction It takes time to find out how you tick and work on any areas that are not in good working order. Its a never ending process. lol

I'm glad that your seeing him for the type person he is .. He's just a lousy human.

Good job and best of luck!!!!

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Many people dont know all the signs of narcissism, but if one see any of the red flags in a guy, whether he is a player, abuser ( players are abusers ) or are a narcissist, low level or full blown, leave him behind because someone who shows to be rude, a jerk, or abusive or totally off, is not going to change, so better to leave them behind before beeing sorry. I agree no second or third chance, at least not a third!

It also say about sociopaths, practice the rule of three : 1 lie can be a misunderstading, 2 lies can be a serious mistake, 3 tells you are dealing with a liar and deceit is the lincpin of concienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can! ( taken from the book "the sociopath next door" ) by Martha Stout.

There are many ways to recognize for example a narcissist. There are also body attitude how they carry themselves.

I would advice eveyone to learn all they can about narcissim, sociopathy/psychopathy because it can save people from becoming played and entangled in a web thats hard to get out of and it will prevent you from getting hurt.

It feels "really good" when someone pays attention to your looks/flirts, enjoys conversing with you in person or online.... and so on.. it's a high. But we eventually find out who is for real. It can really hurt when we find out what is real

I've been single quite a long time.
What I learned:

Enjoy what is going on in the here and now but no need to get attached quickly until you see who they really are and this takes time.

I've been through what you experienced more times than I can count. When I feel a connection or chemistry early on - I realize that this may only be a fleeting moment and do I really want to partake? And there are times I do, knowing fully well to stay in the present.

Actions mean so much more than words.

I enjoyed a man's company over the last year. This was not a full time relationship. I'm in a place where my career takes precedence. Recently, more than a few times, he indicated he wanted to spend time with me the following weekend or whatever.. anyway he never made the effort to make it happen. This happened more then a few times. After being disappointed - I realized I did not like him enough to fall in that disappointed trap. I sent him a text (yes a text) and told him - I'm not mad but the reality is "you just do not like me enough".... he text back that it was not the truth .. how much he enjoys our time.. well his actions say different.

The other thing, there are just so many choices. Someone may be very hot for you.. and then they run into someone else at the gas station... you get the picture..