[alliekay]

Hi Everyone, this is my first post!

I'm 34, I'm in advertising. I am head over heels in love with a man for 4 years now. I was only in one other relationship before him, for 14 years and that man was very easy to communicate with and we would have an argument maybe once a year (we simply fell out of attraction for one another if you're curious why it ended).

My boyfriend is 38, he's unemployed now, as he's had trouble keeping a job. This may be a symptom of what I think may be a problem.

He seems to have trouble getting along with people (including coworkers, family and friends), and he has fear of failure or not living up to expectations. He is not where he "imagined" he would be in life, and goes back and forth between feeling like a complete failure and getting excited to do better for himself. Although he looks for work constantly, the jobs do not last long. I have supported him, and he has been appreciative.

But I feel uneasy about the relationship. He is very sweet to me, but often the moment I question him in any way, he completely shuts down. He has locked himself in the bathroom for hours, he has left for hours in the middle of a conversation and slept outside at night, all because of a small comment or question. So I feel like I am really walking on eggshells. An example would be him ignoring me for a few days because I made a bored face while he was talking about something important to him. Another would be him ignoring me for days because he saw me "look at another man". I have to literally beg on my knees and cry and sob and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for him to feel his love again. He threatens me with the end of our relationship during these times he feels slighted, and says he needs time to think. I give him space, he always comes back and apologizes.

Most of the time I find his personality very intelligent, sensitive and considerate. But his consideration stops at any perceived slight. Then it doesn't matter if I want to talk about things or explain myself, he will not hear me. I never yell at him. We end up talking about things, but very briefly, on his clock. I basically keep quiet and apologize while he tells me how I could have avoided the problem and how we can improve things next time.

The situation has slowly improved over the last few years. But it feels unhealthy to me to be afraid of saying or doing something wrong. It's confusing because he tells me how committed he is to a healthy relationship and that he wants me to be able to talk to him -- I just don't find that to be true.

The reason I am on this forum, is because I have talked to a few friends, and the opinions have fluctuated between -- "that sounds like a good relationship with someone who needs more TIME than you to get over problems & also you should start talking to him about your fears and work out communication issues" and --- "That's outright emotional abuse". Is it?

Does anyone have a thought about this or any insight?

Thanks Very much for your time.
-Allie

[Bill3]

I think that you should listen to your unease.

often the moment I question him in any way, he completely shuts down. He has locked himself in the bathroom for hours, he has left for hours in the middle of a conversation and slept outside at night, all because of a small comment or question. So I feel like I am really walking on eggshells. An example would be him ignoring me for a few days because I made a bored face while he was talking about something important to him. Another would be him ignoring me for days because he saw me "look at another man". I have to literally beg on my knees and cry and sob and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for him to feel his love again. He threatens me with the end of our relationship during these times he feels slighted,

I have put in bold face the behaviors that strike me as outright abusive or suggestive of serious mental illness. There is a lot of bold face.

In my opinion, he should see a psychiatrist. As I see it, therapy is definitely needed, which may or may not be successful. I expect however that he won't be willing to do that.

So I think you will need to ask yourself: do you want to commit to someone who is so paranoid that he irrationally accuses you of looking at other men and so heartless that he allows/demands that you utterly humiliate yourself to get back on his good side? Who gives you the silent treatment for days? For days! Who completely shuts down at the slightest hint of a disagreement? Who can't get along with people well enough to hold down a job? Who overreacts to any perceived slight?

Imagine what he will be like when you are married to him. Without treatment, I see him getting worse after marriage, not better.

But it feels unhealthy to me to be afraid of saying or doing something wrong.

This is absolutely correct.

It's confusing because he tells me how committed he is to a healthy relationship and that he wants me to be able to talk to him -- I just don't find that to be true.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them.

My advice is this: Listen to your inner voice that is telling you to get away from him (unless he is willing to get treatment and actually improves dramatically) and save yourself from major heartache down the road.

[Gavinandnikki]

Get out before you make children. The red flags for future turmoil are right there. This man is not emotionally mature, and I agree with above poster- do you see him entering therapy for help?

[divine1966]

It looks and sounds unhealthy and unacceptable. Plan your exit and be gone. Good luck

I had to edit to add that he sounds like my dad. I love my dad but he is very unhealthy man who made my moms life he$$ and contributed to my not so good choice of men. Some behaviors you described are very much like my dad. I felt goose bumps reading. My dad mellowed and improved with age but the damage is done and my mom wishes she left years ago.

Do not marry or have children with this man. They will grow up thinking it is normal and seek the same in their own lives.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hannabee]

I imagine you came here hoping for confirmation that you weren't being abused but, you are. I cannot imagine a life with this man, let alone bringing children into the mix. Please get some professional help with this, you deserve sooooo much better!

[Webgoji]

He needs to see a therapist. No question about that. Also, it sounds like he's using emotional extortion on you. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but either way it's a problem.

[nicoleflynn]

He is insecure and immature and controlling. He wants the relationship on HIS terms. People are what they DO, not what they SAY. Yes, this is unhealthy; pay attention to your instincts.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I feel it should be required reading for everyone.

Ignoring you is abusive. If you read the book I mentioned your eyes will be opened. Knowledge is power.

[Rose76]

Welcome to PsychCentral. Sorry you're having these ups and downs in your relationship.

Your question is about what to call his behavior. Does it really matter what you call it? Are you trying to decide to object to it, if you call it abuse, but to be patient and understanding, if you call it mental illness?

It's entirely possible that this man is incapable of behaving any other way. To myself, that would not be a good enough reason for me to live with him. But you are not me. After your first year with him, you had plenty of evidence that your boyfriend is a major pain in the behind to deal with. But you've stayed with him for three more years. So he offers something that you value.

At age 38, his behavior is hard-wired and not going to change. You will always support him financially, and you will always walk on egg shells around him. The other option for you is to dump the relationship. That would be hard because you really care about him, and you probably realize he might not easily replace you with someone else to take care of him. Then he'ld be a lost soul.

It's kind of late in life for therapy to do this man any good. He is not the least motivated to change, since he believes he is the one who is being abused by you and all the employers he has ever had and everyone else he has ever had to deal with.

I sure wouldn't worry about any threats from him that he's going to end the relationship. You should be so lucky.

[alliekay]

I'm actually surprised, because I did think (or was hoping) I was over-reacting. I can see from the overwhelming response that I was not.

We do not live together, I am completely independent. I otherwise have a healthy life, with a supportive family, good job and good friends. So I am going to take care of myself first and enjoy my life. I'm going to stand my ground on what I think is right and he can join me if he wants to discuss things and be an adult. If he's going to be immature, then it's done.

I had no idea how much of a problem this was. Thank you everyone for the perspective. I think I will seek help for myself actually, to learn about myself and this situation so it doesn't happen again with him or with another partner.

In all honesty, I feel scared at the moment that I have let myself get into a bad situation. But I definitely do not have to stay here.

Thanks again for all the responses, and I will check back to see if there are any more. But I feel much better in knowing that I am not over-reacting.

- Allie

[lizardlady]

All the time in the world is not going to change the situation until he decides to change. What you described is verbal and emotional abuse. I agree with nicoleflynn about Patrician Evans books. They are great.

One other thing to consider, verbal/emotional abuse frequently escalates to physical abuse. Take care of yourself.

[ethanbridges]

Lots of great advice here.

Allie, you make it sound as if everything is normal, but you can't be blamed as it's obvious you truly love and care for him.

I think, if he also cares for you that much, he will listen to what you have to say--anything. You've been walking on eggshells, so talking to him without "offending" him can be done.

Give it a try. Talk him to seeking professional help.

You're in the perfect situation to "make or break". Whatever the result is, it would certainly be great. He doesn't acknowledge he needs help? You know what to do. He accepts he does and seeks help? You know what to do.

You're a great person, with your words, and with the fact that you opened up here. You must be doing something right.

[CosmicRose]

The fact that he ignored you for days because you made a "bored face" is a little much...don't you think? While this might not technically be considered abuse, it doesn't sound healthy either. This boils down to you. Are YOU happy in this relationship? Are YOU fulfilled in this relationship? Could YOU see yourself with him for the next 5, 10, 15 years? Do YOU want to stay with him? Do YOU love him and feel that he loves you too? He may very well have mental issues, and that doesn't mean you have to stay with him and help him. I was talking to a man I really cared for who had PTSD and he would push me away all the time and I felt like I was walking on egg shells whenever I talked to him. He would get upset with me whenever he thought I said something wrong, but 50% of the time he was saying hurtful things to me and I didn't get upset with him. So he was able to talk down to me and I wasn't allowed to get upset. If I treated him the way he treated me, he would have told me to F off and deleted my number faster than anything.

Which kinda sounds like what you're going through. Just realize that there are guys out there who would love you and treat you the way you want to be treated. Just remember there are more fish in the sea and he is only one man, so if you're not happy, then stop wasting your time.

[Rose76]

Another approach might be to attempt some behavior modification with him. That woukd mean no more getting on your knees to apologize. Instead, refuse to go nuts trying to smooth his ruffled feathers every time he gets unduly aggrieved over some perceived slight. He may have had parents who over placated him whenever he got upset as a child. That's a good way to create a little monster. You're basically following that same approach - tying yourself in knots anytime he gets his shorts in a twist.

It's like dealing with a kid who holds his breath whenever he doesn't get his way. Ignore it and he'll eventually breath. When he sulks because you've "offended" him, do this: Say - "I'm very sorry your feelings got hurt. It was not what I intended, and I hope you can forgive me." Then do absolutely nothing to molly coddle him. When he threatens to leave, or end the rekationship, say - "I wouldn't want you to go because I woukd miss you terribly, but it's up to you to do what you thing will make you happiest." Then absolutely say and do nothing to cater to his over-sensitive ego.

At some point he will ask why you are being so mean. Then say - "Any two people who live together are going to become annoyed or offended with each other from time to time. Grown up, mature people learn that they have to let things go and move on. If that's too hard for you to do, then you probably should go live by yourself." Then let him figure it out with no molly coddling. He will be in a crisis at that point. He won't want to stay because he feels he has to make you acknowlege that you wronged him and owe him reparation. On the other hand, he won't want to go because he doesn't really want to leave because he needs you so much, emotionally and otherwise. So he will be in a real dilemma. Resolving that dilemma or crisis without any molly coddling from you could lead to him becoming a teensy bit more mature.

That's what he should have had to do when he was a child. Instead someone started wet-nursing him the minute he got upset, so his brain is conditioned to need that. When I was a kid, my parents had a great response whenever my siblings or I would start complaining that we didn't think we were being treated right. They would say: "Well, if you don't like it here, there's the door." I'm afraid your boyfriend could have used a bit more tough love.