[rukspc]

Some people say it takes a long time to get over an ex regardless of how long you dated that person or if they've moved on before you. I was cleaning my activity log on FB of my own posts on friends' walls. I scrolled down and saw my ex's thumbnail photo of him and his gf and though we are no longer friends (virtual or real), you can still see past updates and posts. He must really love her to even change his profile photo because he never did that with me. (not saying that she's better than me but maybe he's found the right person and I wasn't) My heart raced when I saw it. I didn't click it or look again. I hit delete and kept scrolling.

Needless to say I am still getting over and through how I feel. I still think of him a lot and truly care about him. I've been through a lot of changes both positive and significant to be a better person. Therapy has helped and I picked up rock climbing and travelled extensively this year. I went on some dates this year too. But I've found that only I know how I truly feel about the break-up and only I can experience it in its entirety (does that make sense?) My mind brings up memories every now and then that make me incredibly sad because he's not here.

When I tell people that I'm still working through these feelings or still getting over it, they always reply with 'why? Find someone new!', or my favorite : 'Was it serious? Only 11 months? Move on already'.

It's been over one year since we broke up and over 8 months since I talked to him. We tried to stay friend but it hurt me too much. It is a constant battle to understand why things happened and finding my worth (some days). Some days I really feel like I don't mean anything to him because he's long gone. It was a mistake for him to date me. Why would he care when he loves someone else? I know I shouldn't care about what he's doing and I'm not helping myself by thinking about him, but what else is left when I've done everything in my might to move forward with life?

I need a new perspective. I just can't get rid of how I feel and the fact that everyone around him knows that I was just a joke.

[Bill3]

What do you mean, you were just a joke?

I'm sorry that you feel that way, it must hurt so much.

(((((rukspc)))))

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you mean, you were just a joke?

I'm sorry that you feel that way, it must hurt so much.

(((((rukspc)))))

It hurts on the days when I have a major event in my life and he's the first person I want to tell. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I'm a joke because we dated for only 11 months and when he broke up with me, it was so easy for him and he had no trouble moving on. Yet here I am, over a year later trying to meet people and build my life again. I can't be mad at him because every time I try I feel guilty. I try to be a good person and have respect but it's hard to meet people who will do the same.

I'm just rambling. I'm not sure this all makes sense.

[divine1966]

Are you in therapy? I am feeling for you and hear your pain. I am not trying to trivialize your pain at all. Sometimes it just hurts for whatever reason no matter how long you dated. But if a year passed and you still aren't ready to move on and hurt so much then maybe there is something else there, something causes this pain . Therapist could be a great help to get to the bottom of it



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[Bill3]

You have the desire to tell someone, him, and then you are brought back to, reminded of, the void he left.

You believe that you should be over him, your life should be rebuilt, it wasn't that long of a relationship and he is over you. And so you bitterly criticize yourself. And it sounds like you've lost faith that most people will be kind and respectful in a reciprocal manner to you.

It makes sense to me.

What have you been doing in order to help yourself get over him?

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you in therapy? I am feeling for you and hear your pain. I am not trying to trivialize your pain at all. Sometimes it just hurts for whatever reason no matter how long you dated. But if a year passed and you still aren't ready to move on and hurt so much then maybe there is something else there, something causes this pain . Therapist could be a great help to get to the bottom of it



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Yes I am. She and I have gone back and forth about my past relationship in the past year that I've been seeing her. Every time I want to say something about him to anyone, I hesitate and then I internalize.

I do believe that my self esteem contributes to why I'm still stuck in this same thinking pattern. I criticize myself so harshly and I know it.

[divine1966]

Does she offer any advice how to build your self esteem?

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[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You have the desire to tell someone, him, and then you are brought back to, reminded of, the void he left.

You believe that you should be over him, your life should be rebuilt, it wasn't that long of a relationship and he is over you. And so you bitterly criticize yourself. And it sounds like you've lost faith that most people will be kind and respectful in a reciprocal manner to you.

It makes sense to me.

What have you been doing in order to help yourself get over him?

I've traveled, picked up rock climbing, got into graduate school, gone on dates, and gone to so many fun events around town. I even went to movies by myself because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be alone and not rely on someone else for happiness. In the back of my mind, he's always with me.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rukspc

I've traveled, picked up rock climbing, got into graduate school, gone on dates, and gone to so many fun events around town. I even went to movies by myself because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be alone and not rely on someone else for happiness. In the back of my mind, he's always with me.

I am sending you hugs. There is something about him that brings this pain. If you only dated less than a year it is hard to imagine he penetrated your life so much. Something causes the pain. Is he the type you normally date? Does he remind you of someone else?



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[rukspc]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does she offer any advice how to build your self esteem?

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Focus on the present. Mindfulness tips such as meditation and reframing unhelpful thought patterns. The big one was when I had to write down three to four positives and negatives about myself to find balance. I was on it for two months then I stopped because I was feeling better. I didn't do it for awhile then my inner voice won and I quit writing.

[divine1966]

It might not be working as a year later and no result. I personally can't stand meditation. My t stopped suggesting it ( I had problem sleeping so she kept talking about meditation).

My t recommends being busy, very busy and have a routine

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[Bill3]

There is something about him that brings this pain. If you only dated less than a year it is hard to imagine he penetrated your life so much. Something causes the pain. Is he the type you normally date? Does he remind you of someone else?

divine might be on to something. Instead of trying to suppress or avoid these feelings, what if you acknowledge them nonjudgmentally and examine them?

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sending you hugs. There is something about him that brings this pain. If you only dated less than a year it is hard to imagine he penetrated your life so much. Something causes the pain. Is he the type you normally date? Does he remind you of someone else?



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I'm still figuring out my 'type'. It was my first real relationship where I experienced a lot of things and I was scared to open up because I didn't want to be judged. I will be honest that I am insecure, sensitive and sometimes get jealous. I guess those are my flaws that pushed him away?

I still carry guilt and regret with me. A lot of my guilt comes from wanting to pursue a teaching job abroad. I want to work in adult education/ESL programs for a career and thought that we could make it work long distance. He supported my decision but I still think that he broke up with me because I wanted to go. It makes it seem like I didn't care about us but I wanted to make it work no matter what.

After we broke up, we stayed 'friends' but I knew that was a bad move because I still had feelings for him. We hooked up a lot and I lost my self-respect (hooking up is something out of character for me since he was my first. A few months before we stopped talking, I avoided him and declined when he wanted to meet up. My gut was telling me that he was seeing someone else too. He still wanted to be my friend and told me he cared a lot about me. But I just couldn't be friends then and still feel regretful and wonder if I made the right choice. We haven't talked to each other since last summer.

I get jealous of him easily and I think it's because he's had a lot of success while I am still figuring things out. He bought a house and a car last year and now he has a new girlfriend. His life is wonderful. I'm still working on my career and me - that's pretty much it. So... as you can see there are a lot of things about me that need work. Plus I just gave you my life story - sorry for the long post. Just frustrated with it.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Bill3

divine might be on to something. Instead of trying to suppress or avoid these feelings, what if you acknowledge them nonjudgmentally and examine them?

Thank you both. I need to do this.

[Bill3]

I will be honest that I am insecure, sensitive and sometimes get jealous. I guess those are my flaws that pushed him away?

Everyone has flaws. Is it really true that if only you were perfect everything would be fine and therefore things are all your fault? I suspect that he has flaws as well.

I still carry guilt and regret with me. A lot of my guilt comes from wanting to pursue a teaching job abroad. I want to work in adult education/ESL programs for a career and thought that we could make it work long distance. He supported my decision but I still think that he broke up with me because I wanted to go. It makes it seem like I didn't care about us but I wanted to make it work no matter what.

It equally can be argued that he didn't care about "us" in that he gave you a mixed message and in the end broke up with you because you wanted to develop a self as well as a relationship.

After we broke up, we stayed 'friends' but I knew that was a bad move because I still had feelings for him.

I agree with you on this.

We hooked up a lot and I lost my self-respect (hooking up is something out of character for me since he was my first. A few months before we stopped talking, I avoided him and declined when he wanted to meet up. My gut was telling me that he was seeing someone else too. He still wanted to be my friend and told me he cared a lot about me.

Caring about you, in my perspective, would have been better shown by not hooking up with you under the circumstances. You were wise to stop seeing him.

But I just couldn't be friends then and still feel regretful and wonder if I made the right choice. We haven't talked to each other since last summer.

I think you made the right choice. It was too much to tantalize you with the closeness of hooking up while at the same time pushing you away in a relationship sense. It was too much to ask you to endure.

I get jealous of him easily and I think it's because he's had a lot of success while I am still figuring things out. He bought a house and a car last year and now he has a new girlfriend. His life is wonderful. I'm still working on my career and me - that's pretty much it.

I wonder why he in particular gives rise to these feelings of jealousy. There are lots of highly successful people in the world, do those people (e.g. celebrities, athletes, executives, politicians etc.) make you feel jealous as well? It might be worth looking at the jealousy of him in particular and seeing what you can make of it.

[divine1966]

His success might be perceived by you. Success is relative. Plenty of people have nice houses and big cars and good careers but they are as screwed up as one can be. Focus on bettering yourself and don't feel like a victim. You aren't. May I ask if you observe anything in your ex boyfriend that reminds you of your parent (s)?

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[avlady]

i do hope you feel better soon, this happened to me over a guy i still think about even after 1 child not his, and marriage. i still have a soft spot in my heart but have to move on every day.

[KBreal70]

Originally Posted by rukspc

Some people say it takes a long time to get over an ex regardless of how long you dated that person or if they've moved on before you. I was cleaning my activity log on FB of my own posts on friends' walls. I scrolled down and saw my ex's thumbnail photo of him and his gf and though we are no longer friends (virtual or real), you can still see past updates and posts. He must really love her to even change his profile photo because he never did that with me. (not saying that she's better than me but maybe he's found the right person and I wasn't) My heart raced when I saw it. I didn't click it or look again. I hit delete and kept scrolling.

Needless to say I am still getting over and through how I feel. I still think of him a lot and truly care about him. I've been through a lot of changes both positive and significant to be a better person. Therapy has helped and I picked up rock climbing and travelled extensively this year. I went on some dates this year too. But I've found that only I know how I truly feel about the break-up and only I can experience it in its entirety (does that make sense?) My mind brings up memories every now and then that make me incredibly sad because he's not here.

When I tell people that I'm still working through these feelings or still getting over it, they always reply with 'why? Find someone new!', or my favorite : 'Was it serious? Only 11 months? Move on already'.

It's been over one year since we broke up and over 8 months since I talked to him. We tried to stay friend but it hurt me too much. It is a constant battle to understand why things happened and finding my worth (some days). Some days I really feel like I don't mean anything to him because he's long gone. It was a mistake for him to date me. Why would he care when he loves someone else? I know I shouldn't care about what he's doing and I'm not helping myself by thinking about him, but what else is left when I've done everything in my might to move forward with life?

I need a new perspective. I just can't get rid of how I feel and the fact that everyone around him knows that I was just a joke.

Well the important thing that I can gather from you're post is that you have begun to find other things that interest you but unfortunately nobody knows exactly how much time one needs to totally get over someone who you love. We go through different stages of being sad to blaming ourselves for what may have transpired. I think the worst of it all is not understanding how did thing's turn out so bad. The fact that you are able to discuss your feelings tells me that you're right were you suppose to be continue to work on you, love you an let the process of healing take it's course, and remember through pain comes growth so don't fight it continue to acknowledge it and embrace the entire experience keep you're head up

[KBreal70]

I just wanted to send you a quick reply but I think I went there but it all came from the heart and also life experience stay strong and remember God place people in our lives for a season to allow us to learn and grow find you and what it is you can take from that period of your life and move forward, and begin a new chapter in your life.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by divine1966

His success might be perceived by you. Success is relative. Plenty of people have nice houses and big cars and good careers but they are as screwed up as one can be. Focus on bettering yourself and don't feel like a victim. You aren't. May I ask if you observe anything in your ex boyfriend that reminds you of your parent (s)?

When we were together, he worked so much because he wanted to save up to buy his house. I was there through it all but I felt neglected too. There was hardly anytime for us and I was working/going to school full-time but tried so hard to make it work. I made mistakes too but I never turned him away. I complained sometimes because we were drifiting apart. I just wanted to keep things balanced.

He took a little longer to finish college but that's okay. What bothers me is that he achieved everything so quickly within one year. He landed a great job within three months of graduating, bought a new house and car. The reason I am jealous is because I've worked so hard for the past 4-5 years through internships and volunteering and still haven't made quite the progress he has.

My dad was hardly around when I was growing up but now he's back in my life and we talk all the time. I forgave my dad a long time ago and I appreciate the time I have with him.

One thing I should mention is how hurt I feel when my ex never really introduced me to most of his friends. Supposedly, they always invited me to things but he always made excuses about why we couldn't go. I got fed up with it and became angry because I didn't understand why he had to put up a front. I didn't feel like a girlfriend anymore. People always asked if there was someone else involved but I never suspected it until after we broke up. Hindsight is always 20/20. I don't know the timeline but I guess the ambiguity will always be there. If he broke up with me to be with her, then maybe he never really loved me. She has something better and she is worth keeping.

Sometimes I imagine how he perceives me or what he thinks of me now that we aren't together. I don't hate him but I also don't like the way he makes me think - I feel at fault. Maybe I just expected too much from him. My thoughts are so crazy and convoluted from time to time that it's impossible to verbalize them. People think I'm too hard on myself.

[divine1966]

Try not to worry how much people make and how fast they achieve success or what others think of you. I know it is not something easy for you but at least try

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