[CosmicRose]

This isn't only with dating, it's also with friendships.

It's a pattern I've noticed while dating though, I start getting MORE scared as the relationship intensifies (mostly emotionally, not necessarily physically although after physical relations I tend to feel a bit awkward in the relationship anyway). Usually the longer you're in a relationship with someone, you're supposed to feel more comfortable - I don't. I start feeling like "the other shoe is going to drop". Or I begin to feel like they're going to soon notice something about me that they really dislike and they eventually won't want to be with me. I'm not sure where this feeling comes from. In the past I have sabotaged my relationships, like for example, I'll distance my communication with them. When this happens, I feel relief. But eventually I'll lose that person and then feel almost immediate regret as if my actions have suddenly dawned on me. What is up with my fear of emotional intimacy or commitment? I have been hurt in the past before but intellectually I know that shouldn't affect my future relationships. How can I stop myself from pulling back and allow myself to be fully open in a relationship with someone? Its kind of terrifying. I'm able to put on a happy face during the beginning of dating someone but like I said, it gets more and more uncomfortable for me as time progresses until I practically have a meltdown and break up with them. I make it very hard for the guy to actually get close to me or really know who I am completely. There's nothing inherently wrong with me so I don't know why I'm ultimately doing this. Self protection I guess? But not really, because it takes away my happiness too.

This problem became really evident to me last year when I broke up with a great guy for basically no reason. How do I break this cycle? Does anyone else out there experience something similar?

[AbsurdBlackBear]

It sounds like you may have some sort of anxiety disorder. Like you said, it is a form of self-protection, the problem is that the sense of anxiety and urgency is in this instance for short-term self-protection from negative evaluation instead of your long-term happiness.

I personally experience something similar, but more it sounds my situation is more in reverse. I have a hard time approaching girls, even if they are interested in me, because I feel like they'll find something wrong with me or something they dislike about me, so starting up a relationship is difficult for me.

I don't really know what to say, as I haven't conquered my own anxiety problems. Although it hasn't personally helped me, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is usually effective for anxiety disorders so maybe look into that as a way to break the cycle.

[CosmicRose]

I did some research on what causes commitment phobia and intimacy fears and the articles I came across stated that it stems from childhood. Whether or not the child bonded adequately with the parental figure. In my case, I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, so this made immediate sense to me. I then began to look a little more deeply into the effects that growing up with a narcissist actually has on an adult and the fear of intimacy played a role in that. So it all comes full circle for me. Makes sense. Low self esteem pops up in relationships because of this. So does the fear of not wanting to be hurt by anyone to the point of not even giving them a chance. When children/adults are emotionally abused, it often feels better to remain secluded as opposed to venturing out into uncertainty. My anxiety disorder came from my childhood too so it all ties together. Therapy doesn't work for me, I think this kind of emotional damage requires finding a loving and supportive mate who gently helps with the recovery process and is understanding about the depths of emotional child abuse. Hope this helped anyone else out there dealing with something similar.

I came across a quote by an adult daughter of a narcissistic mother who said something very similar to my post earlier, she said, "We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we're never good enough, that we're not acceptable, that at some deep down level we're inherently flawed." This comes from years of gaslighting, emotional invalidation, and parenting the parent as opposed to the parent parenting the child. The appropriate emotional development and trust is sabotaged.

[Bill3]

I had a narcissistic mother and can wholeheartedly agree with what you said about the effects of having such a mother. However, I am finding therapy to be very helpful. I urge you to reconsider the possibility of therapy.

A loving mate can help, but seeking a loving mate as the source of recovery means first of all that one must wait and continue to suffer until one finds this person. Second, one's lover cannot also be one's therapist. These are two distinct roles. Recovery isn't simply a matter of loving support, it is also a matter of professional training, skill, and experience.

[CosmicRose]

That's true Bill, you're right. I think I may reconsider therapy or medication in the future. I think I've just had bad experiences with therapy in the past. I've had two therapists, one befriended my mother because my mom was really good at befriending people if it suited her agenda. So I was very disappointed by him and immediately stopped going to the sessions. The second therapist was a student still studying in the final stages of her therapist degree at a university so she was very "green" and often struggled with ways to help me.

It's true that a mate shouldn't be leaned on for therapeutic support, I can definitely see how exhausting that would be.

[Bill3]

CosmicRose, it amazed me how you are so interested in figuring out the truth about something that you will just flat out state that someone who disagrees with you is right if that is how it looks to you upon further reflection. Not very many people are able and willing to do that. You are impressive in many ways!

Maybe you saw this article posted by QuietMind in the transference thread started by ameliaxxx, but just in case I am including the link here. I found this article to be really clear and helpful:

Disorganized Attachment or Why You Think You?re Crazy But Really Aren?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

(Note: in the article, BN = BoundaryNinja (the therapist), AF = attachment figure).

[CrewCut]

I struggle with the same thing. I get too close, I get scared. I had alcoholic parents and went through a bitter divorce 10 years ago. I am currently dating a wonderful woman and am scared to death (of what, I don't know). I have decided it is time to get some professional help and conquer my relationship anxiety.

[Trippin2.0]

My relationship anxiety has/had different roots, (no parental narcissism, I have a BPD dx) but I do understand to a certain degree.


It's not a cure all or a quick fix, but what I COMMITTED to do for myself and my relationship, was to just appreciate and enjoy the now.


That's it. Remain present.


Whenever I would get into a tizz about the future flaming ball of the wreckage that was to become my relationship, I would practice my breathing technique, deliberately set out to distract myself and just repeat "enjoy the here and now, tomorrow is not your problem yet"


Then I would send my bf an "I appreciate u" type message to cement my resolve.


It was by no means easy, first fee months it was actually damn hard... like I said, no quick fix. But the new "enjoy the present" thoughts soon became habit and I've not panicked, pulled or pushed away in a LONG time.


I took very long to become agreeable to the idea of therapy (eventually saw a T last year and am currently in DBT) so alot of my strategies (like this one) are self-taught. Mostly tips I've picked up here that I've tweaked to my own needs.


So FWIW, I hope you find this of some use to you.

[Luksa]

Hello,

Since I have similar problem, I would like to ask about therapy.
On what should therapy focus? Learning how to face our fear, or trying to understand what happend in my childhood?
I just want to know if there is way how to beat my fears or at first I have to understand my past

[Bill3]

In my therapy we first focused on awareness: being aware of when I was fearful and avoidant, as opposed to just automatically being avoidant without even knowing that I was doing it. With awareness, over time, came opportunities and willingness to try to act differently. These opportunities (whether or not taken advantage of) can be discussed in therapy.

[brainhi]

I'm sure many have this struggle for different reasons - mine was/is being a child of an alcoholic father. I have had some meaningful relationships but it was not easy. You cannot depend on your lover/significant other to fix you. That is asking way to much of another person - plus if you do split up - then what?

Understanding why I am the way I am through various therapy, support groups, educating myself - has helped... that takes place over a long time and I constantly work on it. I still only let a few people close to me. I'm outgoing and do have colleagues and "people" I socialize with. Those people that want to get close had to climb some very high walls... and if they unintentionally hurt me.. I still take it pretty bad and the wall goes back up some. I can get into some really deep conversations -I can be pretty intense and passionate and not all people understand that or can handle it. I use to be embarrassed about that trait but have learned to like that about myself.

I had an intense relationship with a man - learned a lot from him and enjoyed most aspects about him... well, he did get to the point that he wanted to date others. I was devastated. It took about 2 yrs to get over it (our relationship lasted 5 yrs). But..
the pain is over and I'm am so glad he was part of my life. He really was a great friend and totally accepted me.

People will come and go - it's hard to let yourself go when you have so much pain inside. Take your time - and keep on getting better. Welcome new experiences with people - and I'm sure you have pretty good emotional intelligence (because of everything you endured in your life) - if your gut is telling you - red flag -know you are probably right.

Do not give up on support - all of it will not be great but there are so many options out there - take what works for you and leave the rest behind.

Learn to be good to yourself - you deserve it!!!!