[l00king4answers79]

Hello all.

I'm a 21 year old female with anxiety, depression, and a few other issues and I've been dating a 23 (24 at the end of the month) year old male for the past 7 months.

Right off the bat we've had some complications including him not telling me he was still married until three months into our relationship. He's still working on getting the divorce, and I believe he'll get it.

He can be cynical when it comes to relationships now and it makes me sad. I grew up with parents who are very much in love and have been together since they were 19 and 20, all my aunts and uncles, grandparents and all my cousins but one are happily married and have been for many years. My brother is in the same boat so I've SEEN relationships that work, and that last. I believe it just takes two people who are 100% committed to each other and who are aware that it won't always be rainbows and sunshine but hard work, but worth the work because of how much you love and want to share your life with the other person.

We were having a serious talk the other night about our relationship and he said something that broke my heart. He said he doesn't thin he'll ever want to get married again. Not that I'm thinking about getting married any time soon because I'm way too young in my opinion and no where near ready, but I'd certainly like marriage to be an option in the future. After I shared my concerns with him he said "we don't know what the future holds, we could both change, I could change my mind. For now, I just want to enjoy being happy and loving you for as long as you'll let me" and it was kind of left at that.

Am I wasting my time? I love him, I'm just worried it's not going where I want it to. And he said he doesn't want kids which is also something I can see myself wanting in the future. I'm just so lost.

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by l00king4answers79

Hello all.

I'm a 21 year old female with anxiety, depression, and a few other issues and I've been dating a 23 (24 at the end of the month) year old male for the past 7 months.

Right off the bat we've had some complications including him not telling me he was still married until three months into our relationship. He's still working on getting the divorce, and I believe he'll get it.

He can be cynical when it comes to relationships now and it makes me sad. I grew up with parents who are very much in love and have been together since they were 19 and 20, all my aunts and uncles, grandparents and all my cousins but one are happily married and have been for many years. My brother is in the same boat so I've SEEN relationships that work, and that last. I believe it just takes two people who are 100% committed to each other and who are aware that it won't always be rainbows and sunshine but hard work, but worth the work because of how much you love and want to share your life with the other person.

We were having a serious talk the other night about our relationship and he said something that broke my heart. He said he doesn't thin he'll ever want to get married again. Not that I'm thinking about getting married any time soon because I'm way too young in my opinion and no where near ready, but I'd certainly like marriage to be an option in the future. After I shared my concerns with him he said "we don't know what the future holds, we could both change, I could change my mind. For now, I just want to enjoy being happy and loving you for as long as you'll let me" and it was kind of left at that.

Am I wasting my time? I love him, I'm just worried it's not going where I want it to. And he said he doesn't want kids which is also something I can see myself wanting in the future. I'm just so lost.

Yes, I think you need to move on. The fact that he did not tell you he is married is a huge red flag.

[metdavidson]

If he lied to you he'll lie again. Maybe he is not going to divorce with his wife. It is better to move on. You are just 21 and you can afford to look for someone much better.

[l00king4answers79]

Honestly, I'm past that part. I've forgiven him.

It's the other stuff that I'm struggling with. The future is what scares me.

I just need to keep thinking about it, but for now, I'm gonna stay with him.

Thank you for your advise

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

In the middle of a divorce and leery of marrying again - normal.

Did he elaborate on how come he doesn't want kids? or just absolute certainty, no way no how, not ever, for sure 100%?

When I was a kid, I always wanted to have 6 kids. When I was a young adult, I still wanted kids, but I didn't want to bear them; I wanted to adopt. Actual life, gave birth to two. The 1st was unexpected. The 2nd was planned, and I still wanted to adopt. My husband did not. He had valid reasons and I loved my husband and if I wanted a child with him (we got married to have kids. He told me he was open to adoption pre-marriage) that's how it needed to be, so that's what I chose to do. My point... life happens, things change.

If the future family you want is in the next couple of years, odds are against it working with this guy, given his current status. If you're thinking you're fine with a family later, say in your late 20s, then who knows.

The initial lovey dovey stage of a relationship can be 12-18mo. Those who marry before that 1.5yrs are statistically more likely to divorce.

Some people date more than one person at a time when they're single. Throwing that out there given concern about losing time/ opportunities to meet other men.

[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by iwonderaboutstuff

In the middle of a divorce and leery of marrying again - normal.

Did he elaborate on how come he doesn't want kids? or just absolute certainty, no way no how, not ever, for sure 100%?

When I was a kid, I always wanted to have 6 kids. When I was a young adult, I still wanted kids, but I didn't want to bear them; I wanted to adopt. Actual life, gave birth to two. The 1st was unexpected. The 2nd was planned, and not what I wanted. I wanted to adopt, my husband did not. He had valid reasons and I loved my husband and if I wanted a child with him (we got married to have kids. He told me he was open to adoption pre-marriage) that's how it needed to be, so that's what I did. My point... life happens, things change.

If the future family you want is in the next couple of years, odds are against it working with this guy, given his current status. If you're thinking you're fine with a family later, say in your late 20s, then who knows.

The initial lovey dovey stage of a relationship can be 12-18mo. Those who marry before that 1.5yrs are statistically more likely to divorce.

Some people date more than one person at a time when they're single. Throwing that out there given concern about losing time/ opportunities to meet other men.

Yeah I won't want kids until I'm in my early 30s probably. So I've got like 10 years for that.

I'm hoping he'll change. I'd, of course, like to still be together, but like you said, things can always change.

He says he doesn't want kids because he's selfish and wants to keep his money for himself lol....

I'm not ready for marriage at all, I'm still in school, and I don't have a full time job, but I guess I'd just like marriage and kids to be an option. I'm just worried I'll remain hopeful for 6/7 years and that he'll never be ready, and then I've waisted most of my 20s... I love him so much, and I just want it to work. It's just scary.

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

Sure, uncertainty is scary and the future is uncertain. Welcome to the human condition lol

The selfish/money thing... legit, in that kids are expensive and have a real impact on a person's financial future, so something to consider. It's also the kind of reason that may not hold the test of time as he lives more and what's important to him changes.

That said, it's never a good idea to continue a relationship on the premise that someone will "change."

Graduating from school and starting a career is one of those natural times when you reflect on life / what you want / what you're going to do next. Enjoy the relationship now for what it is, and when you get to that point assess where things stand with this guy as part of that. Be honest with yourself.

I moved back to a city I didn't want to live in for love. Before making that decision (I made good money, had lots of friend, nice place to live, happy where I was, but we'd been doing long distance for maybe a year and he wasn't going to move), I did a written pro/con list to help me evaluate whether or not to take this step. After I decided to move, I also decided *in advance* I'm giving it 1 year - period. At the end of the year, we were much like the beginning of the year and it could have easily gone on just like that indefinitely. Because I had decided in advance on the 1 year, when my lease renewal came around, I started thinking OK, now what? Thinking like, without this relationship, what's next, where am I going to go to live, what am I going to do for a living there, like that. Had a couple of solid options planned. then i told him something to the effect of hey, my lease expires soon, I'm not going to renew, so I'm thinking about what to do next, and since nothing's really changed/progressed with us, that includes moving away. It wasn't a ploy or anything. I seriously had decided in advance, I was giving it 1 year and moving on if nothing had changed. I was ready to pack and move and start over, was taking action to that end (picked 2 location alternatives, was looking at work opportunities at each, etc.). Anyway, ended up marrying that guy. That was 18+ years ago.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

and part of that decision making was knowing I wanted a family and at what ages I wanted to parent.

You're both really young and he's just coming out of a failed marriage - honestly I'd be more concerned if he was thinking about marriage again already.

When I met my H he was divorcing (a lot older than your bf though) and was set on never marrying again. Things changed as the relationship evolved, we've been together over 20 years now and have a kid together.

I should add though that my attitude was different to yours in that in the early days I didn't particularly want marriage either, I wasn't as forward looking as you and just wanted to have a good time.

It may be more important to you to have the shared goal of marriage even at this early stage, I guess it's for you to decide whether that's a deal breaker for you.

[Bill3]

He is not legally available, he doesn't want to get married again if he does get legally available, and he doesn't want kids.

You want someone who is available, willing to consider getting married, and wants kids.

I'm just worried I'll remain hopeful for 6/7 years and that he'll never be ready, and then I've waisted most of my 20s.

Yes. How much time will you give him to figure out if he can marry again and wants to have kids?

He misled you already on something of major importance. You can forgive him, but you should not forget that. Even if he were to tell you that he wants to get married and have kids, how will you know that he is being truthful?

What if you tell him that you will consider dating him when his divorce is finalized? Because right now you are on the road to giving up for his sake so much of what matters to you. What is he giving up for your sake?

[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by iwonderaboutstuff

Sure, uncertainty is scary and the future is uncertain. Welcome to the human condition lol

The selfish/money thing... legit, in that kids are expensive and have a real impact on a person's financial future, so something to consider. It's also the kind of reason that may not hold the test of time as he lives more and what's important to him changes.

That said, it's never a good idea to continue a relationship on the premise that someone will "change."

Graduating from school and starting a career is one of those natural times when you reflect on life / what you want / what you're going to do next. Enjoy the relationship now for what it is, and when you get to that point assess where things stand with this guy as part of that. Be honest with yourself.

I moved back to a city I didn't want to live in for love. Before making that decision (I made good money, had lots of friend, nice place to live, happy where I was, but we'd been doing long distance for maybe a year and he wasn't going to move), I did a written pro/con list to help me evaluate whether or not to take this step. After I decided to move, I also decided *in advance* I'm giving it 1 year - period. At the end of the year, we were much like the beginning of the year and it could have easily gone on just like that indefinitely. Because I had decided in advance on the 1 year, when my lease renewal came around, I started thinking OK, now what? Thinking like, without this relationship, what's next, where am I going to go to live, what am I going to do for a living there, like that. Had a couple of solid options planned. then i told him something to the effect of hey, my lease expires soon, I'm not going to renew, so I'm thinking about what to do next, and since nothing's really changed/progressed with us, that includes moving away. It wasn't a ploy or anything. I seriously had decided in advance, I was giving it 1 year and moving on if nothing had changed. I was ready to pack and move and start over, was taking action to that end (picked 2 location alternatives, was looking at work opportunities at each, etc.). Anyway, ended up marrying that guy. That was 18+ years ago.

Yeah, so much can change over time, I just overthink everything lol. I'm just going to enjoy my time with him, and not think too far into the future.

Thank you, your story definitely gives me hope for the future.

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[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

You're both really young and he's just coming out of a failed marriage - honestly I'd be more concerned if he was thinking about marriage again already.


When I met my H he was divorcing (a lot older than your bf though) and was set on never marrying again. Things changed as the relationship evolved, we've been together over 20 years now and have a kid together.


I should add though that my attitude was different to yours in that in the early days I didn't particularly want marriage either, I wasn't as forward looking as you and just wanted to have a good time.


It may be more important to you to have the shared goal of marriage even at this early stage, I guess it's for you to decide whether that's a deal breaker for you.

I guess I am just worried because my brain worries about everything, but I have decided just to chill out and relax a bit. Just enjoy what I've got with him right now.

Thank you!

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[divine1966]

People always reveal themselves, the trick is to pay attention. When people tell you they don't want to be married you better believe them. And lying for 3 months (wow) is a red flag. The point is not that you forgave but that he is unavailable and commitment phobic. But it's your choice. If lying and not wanting commitment isn't a deal breaker for you then we can only wish you good luck with this.


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[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by Bill3

He is not legally available, he doesn't want to get married again if he does get legally available, and he doesn't want kids.

You want someone who is available, willing to consider getting married, and wants kids.

Yes. How much time will you give him to figure out if he can marry again and wants to have kids?

He misled you already on something of major importance. You can forgive him, but you should not forget that. Even if he were to tell you that he wants to get married and have kids, how will you know that he is being truthful?

What if you tell him that you will consider dating him when his divorce is finalized? Because right now you are on the road to giving up for his sake so much of what matters to you. What is he giving up for your sake?

I thought about waiting to date him when I found out. But I guess I'm selfish too, I wanted him now lol. We're both so young, and he has apologized to me so much for not telling me, he was embarrassed because they married at 18 and it was just something he wished he could forget about. He's more than made up for it in different ways.

I think only time will tell. No matter what, this whole thing has been a learning experience. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I am in relationships and I think if anything that's good.

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[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by divine1966

People always reveal themselves, the trick is to pay attention. When people tell you they don't want to be married you better believe them. And lying for 3 months (wow) is a red flag. The point is not that you forgave but that he is unavailable and commitment phobic. But it's your choice. If lying and not wanting commitment isn't a deal breaker for you then we can only wish you good luck with this.


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I think being afraid of commitment at this point in his life is pretty normal. I just want it to be an option in the distant future and I was worried it wouldn't be. I do think people can change though, and I do think that he's worth the time.

I also think people make mistakes, and what really matters is that they show remorse and genuinely apologize when they know they've messed up. Which he has. He knows he should have told me sooner, and he's apologized over and over and over again for doing so. Of course if I find out he's lied again, that's a different story. But so far, I haven't found anything.

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[divine1966]

Good luck

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

"I'm learning a lot about myself and how I am in relationships and I think if anything that's good."

"I also think people make mistakes, and what really matters is that they show remorse and genuinely apologize when they know they've messed up."

You're a smart girl

[Bill3]

I think that a genuine and complete apology goes beyond words. A genuine apology takes action to actually make things right. In this case, it would involve obtaining the divorce that he says he wants and says that he has wanted for many months.

[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I think that a genuine and complete apology goes beyond words. A genuine apology takes action to actually make things right. In this case, it would involve obtaining the divorce that he says he wants and says that he has wanted for many months.

He got her to sign an asset form that says he keeps all the big stuff like the bed and TV and computer and the car, he's officially filing next week after he gets paid because she's claiming she can't afford to pay for half of the filing fee. So he's really doing it. Just took him forever lol.

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[Bill3]

He got her to sign an asset form that says he keeps all the big stuff like the bed and TV and computer and the car, he's officially filing next week after he gets paid because she's claiming she can't afford to pay for half of the filing fee. So he's really doing it. Just took him forever lol.

This is excellent news! Thanks for letting us know.

In my opinion : Always resist the temptation to allow love for a guy to gloss over problems in the relationship that do in fact need to be corrected.

[IceCreamKid]

It isn't a matter of forgiving this man for lying to you, although it is good you have the capacity for forgiveness; that is a sign of good health.

It's that he did lie, and about something really important. That was disrespectful to you. That's red flag number one.

Getting a divorce at age 23. Red flag number two.

A mismatch in desires is red flag number 3. If you want children someday do not waste your time on someone who does not.

I interpret the not wanting to get married again as meaning "I'm willing to have sex with you, but not marry you."

I would suggest you date other people.

[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

It isn't a matter of forgiving this man for lying to you, although it is good you have the capacity for forgiveness; that is a sign of good health.


It's that he did lie, and about something really important. That was disrespectful to you. That's red flag number one.


Getting a divorce at age 23. Red flag number two.


A mismatch in desires is red flag number 3. If you want children someday do not waste your time on someone who does not.


I interpret the not wanting to get married again as meaning "I'm willing to have sex with you, but not marry you."


I would suggest you date other people.

People **** up. I've ****ed up tons. I'm suspicious of everything, and I'm nosey, and I snoop. He ****ed up, he knows that.

People also change. He used to have terrible self esteem, he married that girl at 18, because he was scared no one else could love him and she was the same way. Their relationship started failing because they both realized that they didn't love each other, they were just desperate for attention and affection. He's a lot more confident now, not desperate anymore. He made a stupid mistake at 18, and I will not punish him for that.

I think people can change. Marriage and kids is far off for me, I love him and what we have now, that may change, but for now I'm happy.

I know you're trying to help and I appreciate that.

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[divine1966]

I think since you posted on here you really don't think everything is great. You even titled it struggles. Yet when everyone expressed their concerns you now sound that all is good.

If it was , you wouldn't post here. People don't ask questions on relationship forums when things are great.

We can tell you how all is going to be good but that wouldn't be true.

The point isn't even that he lied. He didn't even file for divorce yet he is already dating and probably is intimate. If you two are intimate then frankly you are sleeping with a married man.

But that's your life.

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[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think since you posted on here you really don't think everything is great. You even titled it struggles. Yet when everyone expressed their concerns you now sound that all is good.

If it was , you wouldn't post here. People don't ask questions on relationship forums when things are great.

We can tell you how all is going to be good but that wouldn't be true.

The point isn't even that he lied. He didn't even file for divorce yet he is already dating and probably is intimate. If you two are intimate then frankly you are sleeping with a married man.

But that's your life.

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I really was struggling with this when I posted it. I had just had my first serious talk with my first serious boyfriend. And after talking about the matter with him, and talking through stuff with everyone here, I've been able to make up my mind.

No, not everything is perfect, and I obviously wish he never lied to me and I wish he was already divorced, but it's happening next week. I can wait that long to see the ball start rolling.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice because I was sincerely struggling with this stuff.

Now that I've calmed down and thought it out, I've decided not to give up on him. Like you said, it's my life.

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