[Yismymindblank12]

I'm asking this critically, because I have many potential mates. Yes there is a big change. I'm no longer lonely as in no women around, but that didn't matter to me either way. I didn't care, deep down I feel I hide this to protect myself. A secret that I want someone to replace my mother in only one simple aspect.

That this person unconditionally loves me as my mom does. Why?
She's sick and I fear all the time without her. I know my life would be hell. That this person would not be my ticket or my cling on go to person period. Just someone to say I have you that's all I want.

Made me realize what love really means, but I don't love anyone but not in a lovers way or a in the way young people expect. I love the person as a true best friend. Like it should be, unfortunately with all these women left and right and they may go in time all of them. I don't see them as a fit, I won't tell them why I won't explain it to them, they shouldn't feel pressured.

I won't tell the person if I married them. I want to be clear why I won't ever say anything. I trusted people too easily and they destroyed me.

I won't explain on it any further than that you've read my previous posts.

Rather I feel my mom needs someone to take care of her. She is like me, and I'm her best friend when other's hate her or despise her actions. I do this, even when I hate her myself for screwing me over, because I love her as my mom and she's the only solace I have left.

I want to not express this to anyone this type of unconditional hell I go through with anyone except someone I would marry. I would say this, because deep down this is what I truly want, but rather keeping it very quiet with anyone I've not told anyone, because I'd rather not force something I'll find suitable.
Yes my expectations aren't high. I won't say what I else I want, but if I feel it's right I'll know.

I've lost a child and a grandmother and ik even though I have a hard time believing in anything. I feel they care about me more than I do about myself my sister does too and my father. They don't show it, but they definitely do.

My grandmother is dead and so is my child. I hold those dearly they haven't left me and it offends me when I was reminded by my ex who've I've not spoken since she was aborted 3 years ago. That how my life was wrecked in many realizations. I woke up that life isn't a game and that how real things really got.

I'm like how I was as a boy I was quiet paid close attention to detail and shut everyone out. When I see others fail I'd either used to pity or empathize or seldomly laugh at their failure. Not that I was cruel or mean, some of those people did indeed deserve it, but I don't like it. I keep my true feelings quiet very deep and quiet.

I blurt out my problems and hellish times in my life, but not my thoughts behind it. Rather, I want more than this, but I don't want to make any mistakes this time and no regrets even if it is inevitably comes to a mistake.

Rather I don't know. I've lost a lot and have much more to gain and rather either prefer this person to come in my life on my rise to glory or after my success someone who may not recognize my successes but see's past who others think I am.

I know people like that, but I don't want to pursue any relationship calling it serious I won't say we are dating, because I don't want things to change.

I want to be quiet and not express or gloat about my relationship statuses like I did as a teen and I've really appreciated the real reason to find relationships is for the experience and the medium not the beginning nor end game. It doesn't matter unless the journey was worth it. Rather I won't pick someone so easily they have to appear. Ik it may come off as confusing but it makes perfect sense to me.
Thanks

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. Sorry your mom is sick.

To all honesty the only people we can love truly unconditionally are our children ( probably grandchildren don't know yet). All other love does require something in return. I'll love my daughter no matter what. I will not love anyone's else no matter what, there are things that could ruin and dissolve romantic love.

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[Yismymindblank12]

Yes, but is it possible to be true best friends unconditionally? Romantic or not. Despite dissolve. I'm on a mission to make a friend who is not responsible of me or my feelings volunteers. Looks out for me if he or she wants to. Maybe a lover and romantic partner, but a true friend to not replace my mother, but as an addition to help me cope if or when it happens. I can't bear the loneliness I feel and soon to experience the way my mom keeps up. So I never miss any opportunities with my mom. I need her more than ever now.

Yeah she screwed me over but I don't want to continue living being that vulnerable and alone again I felt this hell the first time with my mother, but if she passed no. I would rather not use any more motivation for making a mansion out of a smoldering ash pile of the past damages and penance I've left behind and willing to let go.

For the best example my childhood rapist has a family with a happy home.I know and my mother knows regrettably that he's an evil person at heart, but even though I'd rather him rpt in a cell. I can forgive him because it is my nature to let vengeance take control anymore. I've hurt to many people because of the sick ****. And be put my mother through hell too unintentionally, but all my life I needed her attention as much as I needed it then. It's never enough. Ik I wont receive what I want from her, but seeing her happy is a great alternative.

Losing the last normal I have will be the end of me. Ik I always can make a new, but I hate losing. I've planned suicide after her passing all my life. I hate admitting that, but I need someone who can do the main thing she couldn't.
Which is stop acting like a child and acknowledge me and feel I'm hurt because I. Am and I will go through hell for all eternity if I have to if I get the appreciation I've needed.

But I wont expect this person to do it for me, it will just happen like any other close friendship. I want friends not disposable lovers. And fake people when things get rough. Ik where and how they just need to show up. I wont hesitate once it happens. It of course will take along time, but I feel I will give up everything to experience family again for the first time a happy family a normal life I've wanted since it left me after my grandmas passing in 06 from Alzheimer's disease.

Sorry

[divine1966]

I again am sorry. No you can't have unconditional friendships. Why are you looking fur unconditional?

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I again am sorry. No you can't have unconditional friendships. Why are you looking fur unconditional?

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I've made it work before.

I only want one, and I'm not going through life when something really bad happens to me I get blamed for suffering as a crazy person for people who don't understand. I've struggled this since ever. Rather I don't open up to anyone. Sometimes my therapist and definitely people who are dating me when they get nosey at very few times.

I opened up before about this. And I get the same rhetoric about how it can be better ill be here for you and many many many false promises and beliefs to shove into my skull to get me either to calm down or shut up. They always leave this includes therapists I learned when I was an early teen how to stay quiet when bad things happen that many people wont understand. My mom sees past it deep down and I see myself in her, except she's been ostracized by her parents shunned and isolated from them. Idk that for sure, but it's like she doesn't want me around because she's so caught up in her own he's, but when's she's not like that I feel validated and someone truly knows me and cares despite good and bad decisions I've done.

If she's dead I will have no one. It would be more or less of me self destructing with whatever means to the point I'd either do something drastic to run away from everything and everyone.
I felt like a failure when my daughter was aborted and I felt more a hopeless wreck when my grandma died.
Because life as a successful happy person feels incomplete without any of them. I really like I'm owning every toy and video game I want and no one to share feeling as if no one will want anything else except for taking what they want. It will just make things alot worse than it is now. Ik because it happened before and it it is still eating me up now.

[divine1966]

You had unconditional friendship before? How does it even look? You would stay friends no matter if for example they treat you bad?

You can have friendships and relationships just what's the deal with unconditional?

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[Yismymindblank12]

I don't know. But if I had a hunch of my stress and pain it's directed how much ruin my life has been forced to endure. I think of myself badly either sometimes over exaggerated, but not on my trauma or anything like that. I can't make any of it up. I always feel not good enough my point someone stopped to be there for me. I hated doing this all my life with my parents and family then friends then years later now co workers therapists anyone.

I don't want negative attention nor pity. Even though people don't see past my helplessness as a crutch. I didn't choose to be here. I work I do all I can, but when I need someone I don't have anyone. It's always been such. Ik if I attempted suicide everyone's form of love is locking me up labeling me and drugging ne till I'm numbed like a zombie.

Feeling from what others receive in trouble in need that support I see others have whether they work hard or not. They didn't discriminate, but cared about them alot in a way I never received.

Feeling that on here and in real life I'm a fly on the wall whether something bad happens to me or not. I get petty sentiment and apologies and useless fake pity. My mother I thought was missing or in a car wreck but I got comments from people who never talked to me to give me ********.

I feel my life is a lonely one and that I'm punished for suffering instead of enjoying suffering. That no one wants a man who works at a crappy job that pays nothing forced to rely on the few people who are putting their life into financial hell and trapped with them. Now what's worth it. I have been living with stiff person syndrome it's the one thing that's made physical labor jobs to impossible and making me unable to work certain jobs because I have not claimed but labeled disabled. Despite this I hadn't given up, but my money stolen every friend having their opportunities to leave and live the life they want while I'm forced to die in poverty.

I've never wanted someone so badly to ser what I ser. If they've experienced what I go through they be inspired to help, but I don't have that never did with anyone. I am cruel to myself for misfortunes I have no control over. **** I hate explaining and never seems to be enough. I feel I look like I'm crazy and I deserve to die.

[divine1966]

You don't deserve to die at all. You do need help though. Are you in therapy ?

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You don't deserve to die at all. You do need help though. Are you in therapy ?

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Yes. It has been nothing more than a rant session for 30 minutes. Then off I go. Anyone else I can't talk or open up the same way. I feel trapped and I am trapped. I get reckless and want to harm myself badly if I get desperate enough. I don't have anything to get the help I need hospitals are like prisons, but without the cuffs. There's armed guards and doctors, cameras and not relief but added anxiety and loss of hope of freedom. If I hear one more time that a hospital is going to help, I can't explain how deluded that really is. Ik it requires self help, but what if your helping yourself does nothing. It feels that survival has no real goal except extend suffering.

[divine1966]

I don't know about hospitals but maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Yours doesn't seem helpful as you aren't getting better

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