What Would You Say?

About a month ago my sister informed my family and I that she has terminal cancer. The disease has spread throughout her body. Today she found out there are a couple of spots of cancer in her brain. I am the youngest of three sisters (same parents, but my sisters are much older than I am). The sister who is dying is the middle child, aged 68.

This past week my sister did a little bit of chemo in the hopes that it retards the spread of the cancer and gives her a little bit more time on this earth. But now the cancer has been found in her brain. The prognosis is not looking good. Her oncologist is sending her for therapy 'to cope with dying' (her words: she KNOWS she is dying). No medication (psychiatric) are helping her at all. At this point, she is feeling extremely bitter, angry, and absolutely completely terrified. She and her husband have been married for 45 years, but the marriage has never been fabulous. They have one son, my nephew, who is 38 and very, very close to his dying mom. In short, my sister is hurting, and hurting severely.

I adore my sister. She's fifteen years older than I am and was a huge part of my growing-up years. She has always been an inspiration to me.
Needless to say I am frantic. I have nightmares nearly every night about my sister being sick. I don't even know what to do with my grief (I have lost many, many family members, a pregnancy, friends, and beloved pets over the past 2 decades...the grief just never stops).

So, yeah, I am very upset. But that's really not why I'm posting this. The reason I'm posting it is because I need to know how best to communicate with my sister. By email and in person. What are some things TO say? What are some things best left UNSAID?

With all the family members (parents, aunts, uncles, cousin) I have lost, their deaths were either sudden (suicide) or they were elderly, infirm, and died quite quickly. My sis is youthful, very energetic, extremely creative, and seems obviously sick only recently (for example, her breathing is very labored & she's so thin).

PLEASE give me any suggestions or experience you have with someone who knows s/he is dying. How did you talk to the person? What would/did you say? What would YOU want to if you were facing your death fairly soon?

I think you could just stress how much you love her, and mostly just listen. I don't know the right things to say either and I went through this when I was much younger with my closest friend who was like a good brother to me. In retrospect I wish I'd been more available to him and that I'd held him more and held his hand, etc.

I'm so sorry about this terrible news for you and your sister.

Oh...I'm so sorry. The first thing to remember is to take care of yourself during this stressful time. I've spent many years learning how to help and care for those who are facing imminent death. I can say your sister is fortunate to have someone like you who truly wants to help ease her discomfort.

Everyone is different in how they want to cope with the news. Some want to ignore it, some want to deny it but she sounds like she wants to talk about it because of the words she used to inform you about going to a therapist. Most will be angry and "bargaining" with whatever higher power is in her life before she can come to a place of acceptance.

Most people want to know that their lives have mattered. That they have made a difference, they are important and LOVED. They also want to know who will be there for them when they are ill. That they can be made comfortable and not be in pain...that is very important.

In my experience, a key issue is getting a good/compassionate Oncologist who is not afraid of effective pain management and who is open to allowing her to be at home or in a hospice whichever she prefers.

It also sounds like it is still early in her diagnosis (although you say she is frail) and that is good as she will have some time to process her life and spent time with those she cares about. Most people welcome an opportunity to talk about how their feeling about the diagnosis because they are sometimes afraid to trouble others with such a troubling issue.

Just be yourself... remember we will all have to face this situation at some point. Let her know how much she means to you. Ask her what she is most afraid of, let her talk, talk, talk. Be totally open and honest, don't hold back. Remind her of all the wonderful experiences and things she has done in life, people love to hear that and it offers comfort.

When you end a visit or conversation, just say, "I will see you later" no matter how ill she is. Just be sure you are very kind and compassionate to yourself after spending time with her, you need to stay well to be of any help to her.

May you find some peace by knowing you have offered what she needs most, loving care and compassion. I can only hope to have someone as generous in spirit as you are to be with me when it's my time.

I would ask her how you can help her during this difficult time. Perhaps she just wants some company, maybe to talk or watch a movie or maybe just to not feel alone.

Perhaps you could do errands for her like picking up some groceries. You might make a casserole or lasagna or whatever they like to eat since she probably has less energy to cook now. Or prepare a picnic she can share with whoever she wants. Ask her what she would like.

I am not a very good artist but I like to make homemade cards that seem more special than ones from stores. Maybe buy her candles or bubble bath or a music CD; whatever you think she would like. How about a manicure and spa pedicure?

I am sorry your sister is ill.

I am so sorry. It is hard. Make an effort to spend time with her and maybe find out if there is something she always wanted to do but Couldn't like see something or travel somewhere and do that?

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I'm all for direct "I can't imagine how you're feeling and I don't know what to do for you. Please tell me what you need. I'm here for you however you need."

Metastasized and in the brain... I'm not a doc and have no direct experience, but irrational behaviors/talk from the physical pressure in the brain would not surprise me. Please know if that happens it's the cancer talking/acting.

I am so appreciative for the replies I've received on this thread. Thank you Angelique67, couldyyn808, yoda, divine966, iwonderaboutstuff.

For the first time since my sister's disclosure of her diagnosis, when I read on this thread 'I am sorry that you are going through this', I realized how frightened I am. For the first time I allowed myself to feel how I'm feeling deep inside. I've been feeling angry about my sister's cancer - very angry! But I hadn't realized that beneath that anger is a tremendous lot of fear and emotional pain.

Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself, for reminding me that I not only have permission to do so, but that in order to be there for my sisters I MUST take care of myself. I also have two children and, although they are grown, I am still their role model. How I handle my precious sister's illness and death, every step of the way, I am teaching my kids how to handle illness and death.

Each one of you have excellent suggestions on how to communicate with my sis at this time in our lives. What to do, what not to do. I love the idea of making a card or cards. My sister would really appreciate something I've created.

iwonderaboutstuff, you're spot on on the 'reality' concept. In this particular case, with regard to my sister, being real is essential. She hates phony, truly appreciates people who look life in the face. She's a very private person, not the type to go online with her illness or attention-seek - almost to a fault. I kind of wish she would reach out more than she tends to. But that's how she copes best...frank reality.

Again, I want to express profound gratitude for all of your input.
-PR

Hi, I want to update this thread. On Friday, October 30th my sister passed on. Treatment provided her about an extra year, but during the last couple of weeks she was in tremendous pain, as the cancer had gone into her bones. She died at home, as she had wished to, with her husband, son, dog, and cat by her side.

My sister's funeral was yesterday. There was quite a crowd there, as she was so loved by so many people. Her life-long best friend flew in from Alaska. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to read a nice eulogy for her. The funeral was probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Losing my parents was hard, but mixed...losing my sister was just very hard. I can't believe there will be no more emails, Facebook posts, calls from her...that I will never again hear her call my name. So. That's about all.

I am so sorry for you're loss ❤️❤️❤️(((( hugs)))) ❤️❤️❤️

I'm so very sorry. It's just so sad. Find peace in thinking that she knew she was loved and she died surrounded by love. She'll always live in your heart so she never be truly gone in that sense. Sending you hugs and you will be in my thoughts.

So sorry for the loss of your sister.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm sure she will continue to love you, wherever she will go.

I keep reading your this thread over and over... And I guess there's two reasons I haven't responded up until now...


My own stuff (fears, anger and such at my mom's Big C dx) and knowing that nothing I say can make you suffer any less, it may even come across as trite.


So why did I respond?

Idk, not so sure, couldn't keep reading it over and over and still say nothing, that seems callous to me.


I lost my best sibling, 16 years older than me, more like a back up daddy.


It leaves a gaping hole in your life and heart, but with time you learn to live with the loss and I guess endure it.


I pray you find healing in the fact that your sister has found peace from her suffering.

Thank you all, so much.

I'm sorry you lost your brother, Trippin2.0. My sister was fifteen years older that me...I totally understand...she was like a back-up mom.

My grandmother recently had the terrible experience watching her sister pass away. It was awful, she said, as her sister slowly starved to death, and was moaning in pain until the end. It really tested her and her faith.

Dealing with the death of someone close to you and whom you've always seen as a strong and caring individual is nothing less than shocking and terrifying. If such a strong person can become so weak, so fast, what really is the point in anything anymore? It really shakes you down to your inner most core and puts you and your faith to the ultimate test. However, think of her death as a blessing in that she can be pain free and no longer suffer where she is now.

I don't know if you are particularly faithful or not, but maybe talking to whichever higher power you believe in, if there is one at all, will bring you some piece and comfort as you deal with this loss. I will also keep you in my thoughts and prayers so I hope you can at least find some comfort in that.

Thank you, Artchic, for your very kind post.