[sgemd]

Hello, I'm really hoping someone can help. I'm 37 years old and have always had a roller coaster relationship with my mom. She's never been the affectionate kind even though I am an only child. I got along with my dad more than with her. She always made me feel like I never made her proud regardless of what I accomplished because it wasn't what SHE wanted me to accomplish. I am now happily married with two beautiful young children that she has rarely seen. She acts as though everyone needs to cater to her, call her, check in on her and when I stop or slow down (I had a full time job also), she says that it's because I don't want to have a relationship with her. This could not be further from the truth! I can't even count on both hands the amount of times we've gone thru this and talked it over and moved on.
Unfortunately the situation has drastically changed. My dad's health has deteriorated in the last several years with him going in and out of the hospital constantly, early this week being the latest. It's heartbreaking especially because I live on the opposite side of the country. I've tried calling my mom but she has refused to speak to me. I know this is another one of her selfish tantrums because she felt I didn't call enough and therefore "must have not been interested in keeping in touch with her". My dad begged her to please talk to me while she was in his hospital room and she walked out. He even told her she was making this harder for him and still wouldn't do it. I promised my dad that i would do whatever it takes to make things right, whether i think she's being self centered and selfish is besides the point. I will try for him. After that fiasco, i couldn't help but think what a horrible person she was for not doing this for him. Here's her husband, in a hospital room, sick, and she acts like this is about her! Today I tried unsuccessfully getting ahold of her until I called him tonight and she answered his cell. I said "Mom", nothing, she handed the phone to my dad. I know this is affecting my dad and I hate her for not caring. He may need surgery in the next couple days so I said to just concentrate on getting better and I would do what I can. I find relief that he knows it's not me, it's her but I can't wrap my head around this. I'm willing to make amends and apologize for whatever it is she's upset about but she's making this so extremely difficult, especially when she won't take my calls. Any input, thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[Rose76]

Your mother sounds like quite a piece of work to try and deal with. Congratulations on building such a normal life for yourself, despite having grown up with someone like this.

I'm sorry that your father is so ill. This does sound like a sad situation where most of the grief is unnecessary and just manufactured by your mom's self-centeredness. You are more patient than I would know how to be dealing with your mom. Obviously, you love your father and don't want him to have to cope with this ugliness on top of being so sick.

It's nice of you to be so willing to meet your mother more than half way to try and smooth things over, especially for your dad's sake. All you can do is try. You can't control the outcome. Your mom wants to be the suffering martyr. She probably resents that you do have a good life that she can't intrude on, since you are so far away. Also, she can't stand being upstaged by your father who has a legitimate need to be fussed over and catered to. If only she were the one in the hospital bed!

This is the woman your father chose to marry, and she is never going to be a nice person. It's lamentable, but that's how it is. You didn't chose her . . . he did, and you may not be able to make it all right. If she wants to be miserable, she will be. I get the feeling she is determined to just be mean.

I honestly don't know what more you can do, over and above what you are doing. I believe you've tried your best. The more you try to make peace with your mom, the more she digs in her heels that you have atrociously wronged her. Maybe she'll get tired of what she is doing.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm sorry you are going through this with your mother. I've had a roller coaster relationship with mine too...always put downs, insults and slams. It is ALWAYS about her. She is the problem and the quicker I accepted that, the better off I was. I hope she sees what she is doing to you...Cat

When I read your description of your mom's behavior and of your relationship with her, I could see many similarities to my relationship with my mom. I have to say, though, yours sounds more difficult. Not that that's a contest anyone would want to win.

Anyway, basing my reply on my experience with my own mom, I would be surprised if your mom would be open to making amends with you right now. I imagine that she is very upset about your dad's health, plus when you call she may be thinking "well, they only want to know about their dad - they're not really interested in me". That right there could generate bad behavior around the phone calls.

With my own mother, I have tried to look at her relationship with her mother to try to get an idea of why she behaves as she does. In my own mom's case, she pretty much duplicates her mom's behavior. I don't know if that's true for your mom. If it is, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with her, but sometimes it can help emotionally if you have an idea of the source of your parent's behaviors.

My mom has mellowed a bit as she's gotten older (past 65). I hope that maybe yours will, too, with time.

I have talked to therapists about my mom. If we don't get certain relationship needs met by our mother, we tend to look for them elsewhere. I think that's okay. If we seek out people in our lives who are motherly toward us, that can help some to fill the gap that isn't met by our mother.

What I have to constantly remind myself of is to try not to be upset when my mother doesn't behave the way I expect her to. I will do well with this for a while, but then I'll fall back into the pattern of expecting motherly behavior from her at a time when I'm vulnerable, and I'll get blasted.

My mom will be more motherly if I let her know that I value her company and advice and enjoy her attention. She is a bit insecure about taking on the motherly role, I think. It sounds like your mother already demands those kinds of reassurances, though. I don't know how she behaves if you give them to her. She maybe calm down or she may become even more demanding.

This is just a guess, but your mother may be very angry at you for living so far away from her. This may completely violate some belief she has about what adult children should do. It may color every interaction she has with you.

I hope that she'll be interested in your children and that that will help to smooth her relationship with you.

For right now, while your dad is in the hospital, you may need to take on the motherly role with your mom and tell her that you know she must be so worried about your dad and listen to her if she wants to talk about how she feels. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her, if you feel able to do that.

Best wishes for your dad's recovery.

[sgemd]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your mother sounds like quite a piece of work to try and deal with. Congratulations on building such a normal life for yourself, despite having grown up with someone like this.

I'm sorry that your father is so ill. This does sound like a sad situation where most of the grief is unnecessary and just manufactured by your mom's self-centeredness. You are more patient than I would know how to be dealing with your mom. Obviously, you love your father and don't want him to have to cope with this ugliness on top of being so sick.

It's nice of you to be so willing to meet your mother more than half way to try and smooth things over, especially for your dad's sake. All you can do is try. You can't control the outcome. Your mom wants to be the suffering martyr. She probably resents that you do have a good life that she can't intrude on, since you are so far away. Also, she can't stand being upstaged by your father who has a legitimate need to be fussed over and catered to. If only she were the one in the hospital bed!

This is the woman your father chose to marry, and she is never going to be a nice person. It's lamentable, but that's how it is. You didn't chose her . . . he did, and you may not be able to make it all right. If she wants to be miserable, she will be. I get the feeling she is determined to just be mean.

I honestly don't know what more you can do, over and above what you are doing. I believe you've tried your best. The more you try to make peace with your mom, the more she digs in her heels that you have atrociously wronged her. Maybe she'll get tired of what she is doing.

Thanks so much, this really helps. I know, she's always liked to act like the martyr, but I can only hope that somehow someway she sees this has been taken way too far. Even for my piece of mind today I sent her an email asking for a chance to speak with her and make amends. The ball is on her court now and unfortunately there's no telling how long it will be there for ��

[sgemd]

Originally Posted by Cat_Lover_58

I'm sorry you are going through this with your mother. I've had a roller coaster relationship with mine too...always put downs, insults and slams. It is ALWAYS about her. She is the problem and the quicker I accepted that, the better off I was. I hope she sees what she is doing to you...Cat

Thanks so much, do you speak to yours? I think if it wasn't for my father at this point I may just throw the flag in but I see how much it would mean to him that I'm willing to look past her many faults.

[sgemd]

My mom is from a big family, she grew up with certain old fashioned beliefs about women, for example, they don't move out from parents house until they marry, etc. I didn't follow any of those beliefs and as I said I'm an only child. I think me not "following her ways" was a huge issue for her from the get go. However, I graduated college, got a job, got married, had kids, all good things as well. You may be right there's too much at the moment for her to talk to me. Maybe after he's released from hospital and back home I may be a bit more successful in doing that.

[sgemd]

So I decided this morning for my emotional health to send my mom an email. I just asked for a chance to speak to her to make amends and I apologized, yes apologized! If I made her feel like I wasn't interested in having a relationship with her. Ugh! I will do anything for my dad but I also don't want to grovel. I feel like this is giving me an ulcer ��

[Rose76]

Don't think of it as "groveling." Think of it as you patronizing her. Maybe you can fool her into thinking that you actually feel the contrition she thinks you should be experiencing. That would be you condescending to the child that she is. People like her have a hard time distinguishing between a person genuinely accepting her interpretation of things and somebody just blowing smoke up her skirt. Do the latter as effectively as you can while your father is alive. She deserves to be manipulated. Then, when it's just you and her that are left, you can lay some truth on her.

[avlady]

she can only be her true self and if shes this way, theres no use in trying to save her. your dad needs you right now and if she is not going to change her ways by now, theres little chance she'll be be differrent and maybe she can see this coming on hopefully so she will change, or someone should remind her of how bad she is treating someone else who needs her love now too.

[metdavidson]

I'm really sorry that you have such situation. My mom is my best friend and i can not imagine her behaving in such way. Maybe, you just have to be nice with her as always but not expect that she can change. Sometimes we just have to accept what we have and try to move on.

[metdavidson]

Originally Posted by sgemd

Hello, I'm really hoping someone can help. I'm 37 years old and have always had a roller coaster relationship with my mom. She's never been the affectionate kind even though I am an only child. I got along with my dad more than with her. She always made me feel like I never made her proud regardless of what I accomplished because it wasn't what SHE wanted me to accomplish. I am now happily married with two beautiful young children that she has rarely seen. She acts as though everyone needs to cater to her, call her, check in on her and when I stop or slow down (I had a full time job also), she says that it's because I don't want to have a relationship with her. This could not be further from the truth! I can't even count on both hands the amount of times we've gone thru this and talked it over and moved on.
Unfortunately the situation has drastically changed. My dad's health has deteriorated in the last several years with him going in and out of the hospital constantly, early this week being the latest. It's heartbreaking especially because I live on the opposite side of the country. I've tried calling my mom but she has refused to speak to me. I know this is another one of her selfish tantrums because she felt I didn't call enough and therefore "must have not been interested in keeping in touch with her". My dad begged her to please talk to me while she was in his hospital room and she walked out. He even told her she was making this harder for him and still wouldn't do it. I promised my dad that i would do whatever it takes to make things right, whether i think she's being self centered and selfish is besides the point. I will try for him. After that fiasco, i couldn't help but think what a horrible person she was for not doing this for him. Here's her husband, in a hospital room, sick, and she acts like this is about her! Today I tried unsuccessfully getting ahold of her until I called him tonight and she answered his cell. I said "Mom", nothing, she handed the phone to my dad. I know this is affecting my dad and I hate her for not caring. He may need surgery in the next couple days so I said to just concentrate on getting better and I would do what I can. I find relief that he knows it's not me, it's her but I can't wrap my head around this. I'm willing to make amends and apologize for whatever it is she's upset about but she's making this so extremely difficult, especially when she won't take my calls. Any input, thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Sometimes, we just have to accept what we have and move one. Be nice with her as before but do not except some changes.

[Bill3]

It might help to read up on narcissistic personality disorder if you have not done that already.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It might help to read up on narcissistic personality disorder if you have not done that already.

Bill, you beat me too it. The mother is clearly NPD.
As such a real realationship will be impossible, they are impossible. Selfish, grandiose and cruel creatures. And, they don't change!

IMO 'wired' differently.

[sgemd]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It might help to read up on narcissistic personality disorder if you have not done that already.

I'll have to look into that, honestly never even thought she may be that! Thanks ��

[sgemd]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Bill, you beat me too it. The mother is clearly NPD.
As such a real realationship will be impossible, they are impossible. Selfish, grandiose and cruel creatures. And, they don't change!

IMO 'wired' differently.

Unfortunately my dad is still in hospital, going on a week now, and I've gone as far as adding my name and number to list in case of emergency. I don't trust this woman, my mother, would let me know if something were to happen, heaven forbid. It's been so stressful and I've been on pins and needles, can't eat, sleep, when I call my dad and he doesn't answer I immediately think the worst. I just wish I could call my mother for updates and to have someone to lean on during this time. I could never, ever treat my children the way she has been treating me.

[Rose76]

I understand about not trusting your mother to keep you informed about your dad in the hospital. When ever anyone close to me is in the hospital, I call the nurses' station directly. They don't seem to mind at all, and usually the nurse actually caring for your dad will take the call. As the daughter, there shouldn't be a confidentiality issue. You could even ask for help talking directly to your dad. The nurse might be able to go in the room and pick up the call and hand it over to your father. When my father was ill, I found staff more than willing to do this. One morning such a call led to me discovering that my father was much worse than I had been informed by my sister who was supposed to update me. So I immediately flew out and just got there before he was gone. Let them help you. They will. A good time to call can be in the middle of the night, when it's actually pretty calm at the hospital.

[sgemd]

Ok, so it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted and my dad has been home since early last week �� The latest with my mother is that I finally was able to talk to her on the phone today. I said I was sorry if I made her feel like I didn't want a relationship with her, or if I had hurt her feelings in any way but I wanted to move forward. I told her from the bottom of my heart I was truly sorry and guess what? It turned into bringing up my mistakes from the past. Past dating back 20➕ years! I was floored. She asked where she went wrong. Because when I was 16 or 17 and she asked me to be home at 11 and I decided to stay out later with my friends i must have done it because I hated her. Or when I had my tonsils removed at age 20 and her and my dad came over with jello she didn't know my roommate was a guy so I must have done that to spite her. I couldn't believe my ears what she was bringing up yet I kept my mouth shut. She said remember you told me you hated me? I said 'mom, I was 13 or so. I was a young, dumb kid. I didn't mean that clearly '. I finally said 'listen, i just want to have a relationship with you, from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry if I've hurt you'. She said 'i forgive you but I don't think there is a relationship to have. I wish you the best but that's it. I think I hear someone at the door.' And then hung up on me. Nothing has stung as bad as this. My dad was pretty upset when I told him. He said to give it some time but because of his health I don't want to put him in the middle of this. I have plans to fly out to visit them with my kids in November so I asked him about this. He said nothing has changed, he wants us to come out still and he'd handle her. Whatever that means. I don't know what to do from here. It's sickening to think my mother wants nothing to do with me and won't even give me a chance. This is a woman who goes to church weekly, thinks she's a good catholic yet acts like this. I do know she's been under a tremendous amount of stress with one of her sisters who is terminally ill and doesn't live near her. So between my dad's health and her sister's it is a lot... But still... Thoughts?

[Rose76]

I'm wondering how a sister who doesn't even live nearby her can be that big a source of stress to her. I mean, like what is she doing for her sister?

It seems pretty clear that your mother is not wanting any reconciliation. She just wants to paint you as bad as possible. If I were you, I think I would stop expecting anything from her. Groveling before her clearly did absolutely no good at all, and she just respects you even less for that. So make up your mind that you are not going to do that anymore. It just feeds into her delusion that you are guilty of something terrible. Hold your head up and never put yourself down again to try and placate her.

Say to yourself, "I'm a decent person and I have nothing to hang my head in shame about. I'm available to connect with my mother in positive ways, but I will never again participate in this false narrative that I need her to forgive me for being horrible to her."

I have a very disturbed brother who goes around entertaining fantasies about how everyone has wronged him. I used to go so far as to write him letters of apology for times when he became offended because some conversation he had with me didn't go his way. I bought into the idea that he needed validation, and I tried so hard to give it to him, putting myself down even. He became so much like how you are describing your mother that it is uncanny.

This is a fantasy world these people are living in and their delusions border on and even cross over into the realm of psychosis. It's tempting to think that they are just wounded souls who need an abundance of kindness and love and acceptance to be able to overcome their psychic wounds. Thinking about what you have shared has actually helped me to understand better what I went through with my brother.

They have told themselves lies and they are capable of great cruelty. Nothing they ever do is wrong. Everyone around them is always guilty of mistreating them. (Are you the only person whom your mother is this blaming of, or is she always finding fault with others and never with herself?) Believe me, I tried the kindly approach, and it went about as successfully as your recent conversation with your mom.

Looking back now, I realize I was just enabling my brother's pathology, by bending over backwards to show him tolerance. If I am ever in his presence again, I will have zero tolerance for listening to his absurd claims to having been victimized by me and others. Stand by your truth, as I should have done. You have not wronged your mother. Stand by that. Refuse to buy into to this alternative reality that she has created that has little to do with the truth. She is uninterested in truth. And don't help her make mountains out of molehills, by going around in sackcloth and ashes hoping to atone for some triviality of the past that she is recasting as THE GREAT OFFENCE, from which she can never recover.

You may have to accept that your mother really doesn't want a reconciliation. Visit your parents, if you wish, and act pleasant, but stop trying to placate her. If she starts castigating you for some terrible offense, say "Mother, that kind of talk is a bunch of nonsense, which has nothing to do with any of us today, and I just won't listen to it."

In her head, it's like the needle got stuck on the record and replays over and over. You'll do her more good by insisting on not getting stuck, as she us, playing the same fragment of a tune incessantly. Change the subject and move on, with her, or without her.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Originally Posted by sgemd

Thanks so much, do you speak to yours? I think if it wasn't for my father at this point I may just throw the flag in but I see how much it would mean to him that I'm willing to look past her many faults.

I don't speak to my mom right now. She's now doing and saying very inappropriate things to my daughters. They are 21 and mom started down this road 4 or so years ago! Some days I wish it were different with mom but right now I just do not see it happening...

How have things been with you? Cat

[sgemd]

[QUOTE=Cat_Lover_58;4575191]I don't speak to my mom right now. She's now doing and saying very inappropriate things to my daughters. They are 21 and mom started down this road 4 or so years ago! Some days I wish it were different with mom but right now I just do not see it happening...

How have things been with you? Cat [/QUOTE

Things have been really stressful. She said she forgives me but doesn't think a relationship will be there. Very hurtful words and very hard to accept that fact. I just don't know how to move on from that and accept it.