[CrewCut]

I posted a while back about my relationship anxiety that I have dealt with for quite a while. I was divorced 11 years ago, absolutely devastated by the experience and haven't dated much since. About a year ago I met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her. After about 6 months, I got scared and I did not know why. It took me a while to figure out that I have relationship anxiety.

Over the last few months, I started cognitive-talk therapy with a wonderful therapist. The guy has been a huge help to me in trying to figure out why I feel this way, and to develop ways to deal with my fears. I also started taking BusPro which has calmed me down some also.

Anyway, I am not out of the woods, but I do believe there is hope for me. It is a shame that I am dating such a sweet woman, and I am scared to death of getting to close to her!

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by CrewCut

I posted a while back about my relationship anxiety that I have dealt with for quite a while. I was divorced 11 years ago, absolutely devastated by the experience and haven't dated much since. About a year ago I met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her. After about 6 months, I got scared and I did not know why. It took me a while to figure out that I have relationship anxiety.

Over the last few months, I started cognitive-talk therapy with a wonderful therapist. The guy has been a huge help to me in trying to figure out why I feel this way, and to develop ways to deal with my fears. I also started taking BusPro which has calmed me down some also.

Anyway, I am not out of the woods, but I do believe there is hope for me. It is a shame that I am dating such a sweet woman, and I am scared to death of getting to close to her!

You don't have relationship anxiety -- you have PAST relationship anxiety Try to live in the moment with this new woman and appreciate what she brings to the table and to you and whether or not she is meeting your needs for a relationship. Talk to her about your fears, your hopes, your dreams. It is very unfair for her to have to "carry" the sins of the ex-wife or problems in that marriage or even things from farther back than that.

Not only that, she may unknowingly, be doing or saying things that in some way "resemble" things that the ex did or said. When you're being triggered, try to talk to this woman so she understands too.

[CrewCut]

Hi I'm Worth It,

I have been very honest with my girlfriend about it. At first, I had no idea what was going on with me. We would be having a wonderful time and suddenly, I wanted to run away. I just could not figure it out and it put a huge strain on the relationship.

I then decided I needed to figure some things out. I started reading some good books, and got a good therapist and things started to make more sense.

My 19 year marriage was pretty bad. My ex cheated on me several times and blamed me for it. I know I was a good husband (and faithful) but I would hear things like, "If you were better, I would not do this!". I don't mean to come across as a "victim" but the things she did really knocked my self-esteem in the gutter and also left me thinking subconsciously that all relationships must be bad.

My girlfriend is the complete opposite of my ex. She is happy with life, devoted to her son and is completely faithful. For some reason, she thinks I am wonderful also!

So basically, I lived with a lying, cheating spouse for 19 years but when I find a wonderful woman, I get scared. How screwed up is that????

Again, I have been very honest with my girlfriend and she is very understanding.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by CrewCut

Hi I'm Worth It,

I have been very honest with my girlfriend about it. At first, I had no idea what was going on with me. We would be having a wonderful time and suddenly, I wanted to run away. I just could not figure it out and it put a huge strain on the relationship.

I then decided I needed to figure some things out. I started reading some good books, and got a good therapist and things started to make more sense.

My 19 year marriage was pretty bad. My ex cheated on me several times and blamed me for it. I know I was a good husband (and faithful) but I would hear things like, "If you were better, I would not do this!". I don't mean to come across as a "victim" but the things she did really knocked my self-esteem in the gutter and also left me thinking subconsciously that all relationships must be bad.

My girlfriend is the complete opposite of my ex. She is happy with life, devoted to her son and is completely faithful. For some reason, she thinks I am wonderful also!

So basically, I lived with a lying, cheating spouse for 19 years but when I find a wonderful woman, I get scared. How screwed up is that????

Again, I have been very honest with my girlfriend and she is very understanding.

It basically comes down to having been "conditioned" for a huge part of your life. It's hard to shake that off for sure.

Start allowing yourself to be "re-conditioned" -- she thinks I am wonderful also -- Embrace and believe what she is telling you in the here and now .

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by I'm Worth It

It basically comes down to having been "conditioned" for a huge part of your life. It's hard to shake that off for sure.

Start allowing yourself to be "re-conditioned" -- she thinks I am wonderful also -- Embrace and believe what she is telling you in the here and now .

Thank you! Very kind words! I will work on that!

[SB1970]

In a way, I can relate to what you're saying. I too, get scared when I get close to someone, I tend to push them away, the more my feelings for them grow. It's not that I don't feel that I am worth it or anything like that, I know that I am. I think I fear losing that person and I hate to feel clingy, which I am not so I push them away instead. I know, messed up as well. But just wanted you to know that you're not the only one that feels this way.....to some degree anyway.

[Thatsaysnothingtome]

I can really relate.
My current boyfriend has had an awful time with me continually second guessing our relationship when it is clear we are a really good couple. Relationship anxiety can be really destructive & reading your post has helped me believe that at least recognizing your own actions and thoughts can lead you to a happier self and a more settled & close relationship. Thanks!

I can relate. I feel like I'm a monster and I'm terrified with letting women close to me because I'm afraid they won't be able to love me or accept me because of how damaged I am so I have flocked to the unhealthy relationships with psychopaths, narcissists, and abusers while pushing the good women away because of how afraid I am of letting them close to me. I've ruined well over a half dozen potentially good relationships for myself by these behaviors.

You would think that I learn from my mistakes but I don't seem to haha

You're not alone man.

[CrewCut]

Thanks for all of the replies everyone. It is a very frustrating issue for me and I know I am not alone. A lot of people deal with this for a variety of reasons. I have a nice female friend that I have known for years that has never had a serious relationship. She says she can't handle it and gets all stressed out from it.

I never felt this way when I was married. But years of being "put-down" by my ex followed by a painful divorce did a number on me.

Keep posting. I would like to hear more stories and how people of overcome their fears.

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I can relate. I feel like I'm a monster and I'm terrified with letting women close to me because I'm afraid they won't be able to love me or accept me because of how damaged I am so I have flocked to the unhealthy relationships with psychopaths, narcissists, and abusers while pushing the good women away because of how afraid I am of letting them close to me. I've ruined well over a half dozen potentially good relationships for myself by these behaviors.

You would think that I learn from my mistakes but I don't seem to haha

You're not alone man.

Thanks Darkness. I felt like garbage and damaged goods for years after my divorce.

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by Thatsaysnothingtome

I can really relate.
My current boyfriend has had an awful time with me continually second guessing our relationship when it is clear we are a really good couple. Relationship anxiety can be really destructive & reading your post has helped me believe that at least recognizing your own actions and thoughts can lead you to a happier self and a more settled & close relationship. Thanks!

Have you read "He's Scared/She's Scared"? It is a great book.

[1234magnolia]

It is 9 years after my husband's death. I still am afraid of relationships or even talking with a man. I allowed myself to be conditioned by my mother to believe I was just plain unworthy, I rejected worthy men that I dated and I married someone who was willing to continue damaging me. I don't know how to start overcoming this anxiety and fear. I feel like if I talk with someone they will see me as unworthy. by the way, I earned a MA. I worked as "Head of depts" so it seems to be too much down time or too much thinking about myself and the absolute fear of personal relationships. How have you overcome this fear? Do therapists really help?.

[CrewCut]

Originally Posted by 1234magnolia

It is 9 years after my husband's death. I still am afraid of relationships or even talking with a man. I allowed myself to be conditioned by my mother to believe I was just plain unworthy, I rejected worthy men that I dated and I married someone who was willing to continue damaging me. I don't know how to start overcoming this anxiety and fear. I feel like if I talk with someone they will see me as unworthy. by the way, I earned a MA. I worked as "Head of depts" so it seems to be too much down time or too much thinking about myself and the absolute fear of personal relationships. How have you overcome this fear? Do therapists really help?.

123Magnolia,

I am very sorry for your fear and pain...

Both of my parents were alcoholics and they did a very good job of making me feel worthless as a child. This then followed me through my adult life and I married someone that treated me very badly (and I thought I deserved it).

I have not overcome the fear yet but I recognize it for what it is (and that is a big step). I truly believe a good therapist helps and I started on some anxiety medicine that seems to help some also.

My therapist a great guy and he wants me to learn to be my best friend. To be able to admire myself and truly love who I am. So I am in a work in process.

It is very frustrating for me because my girlfriend is sweet, pretty and has such a kind heart. Most single guys would do anything to have someone like her. I on the other hand, am scared out of my wits at times when I am with her. Then it passes and she and her son just seem like my "family" and it is such a wonderful feeling.

After my divorce I also buried myself in my job, got an advanced degree and took up a lot of good hobbies. But I also realized by doing all of these things, I was running from my pain and fear. I made sure I was too busy to date.

My advice to you is to start with therapy. Look for a therapist that specializes in relationship anxiety. It actually is pretty common.