Why bother with true intimacy?

You're right, I'm not fully satisfied. I'm merely seeking knowledge on better ways to do things. Thanks.

Darkness: Intellectual IQ and Emotional IQ are two different things. I'd venture to guess that in order to avoid emotions/emotional connections, you intellectualize/are very cerebral about things, and that's OK up to a point. However, doing that does negate whatever emotions you are experiencing at a particular time. So while it's ok to try to control emotions and involve logic if an emotion is overwhelming, however, doing that too much pushes them away and stuffs them so that they never truly are addressed or recognized. They simply are running in the background causing anxiety and, loneliness, physical problems and a whole myriad of other things. Loneliness comes as a result of not being able to express emotion with someone else. Loneliness isn't quelled by intellectualized conversation/socializing in general. You may be around a lot of people and I'd bet you still feel alone/loneliness often. Isolated even in a crowd.

From some of your other posts, you say you find it difficult to trust people. Part of not being able to trust people comes from not having emotional connections with people. If you aren't talking on a deeper level with people, you don't learn how to read other people either and sense their emotions. Trust is a feeling also. When you squash your feelings, you not only squash the bad ones, you squash the good ones/necessary ones. And, by necessary I mean, the ones that are needed in order to feel connected to the world and people.

If you keep squashing emotions and internalizing/intellectualizing and not being able to open up, even if you have a committed relationship with someone, you will still feel alone and so will they. It's a catch-22 for you.

You want and need the company of a woman and yet you fear it at the same time. emotionally vulnerable and at the other person's mercy, and pain from the eventual breakup because nothing lasts forever. -- It's true that relationships do end if they aren't the right ones anyway and usually people experience the hurt, process it and are able to move forward and accept it and do try again. What happens with you, likely, is that the emotional aspects of a breakup are squashed/unacknowledged and dumped on the pile of all the other stuff you've buried and it just never goes away. It compounds itself. Even though you think you aren't emotional, the emotions are there. You've numbed yourself not only to emotions, but to the world in general. If/when you attempt to have a real relationship, the end of it, is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
other person's mercy?

I have an awesome small tight-knit group of friends whom I talk to, but I don't do this unless I absolutely need to. -- I suspect that you are not sharing as deeply as you need to even with these people, otherwise, you wouldn't be experiencing so much loneliness. It is still very superficial in terms of connection.

"When I need advice, I either ask somebody without involving emotions too much or I simply Google my issue and learn what I need." -- You cannot get what you NEED from the internet.

Fear of Intimacy -- Usually, if someone has a fear of intimacy, in the mind of that person Intimacy is spelled "Into Me See". They will go to great lengths to prevent people from really knowing them. There are things that they don't want people to know about them and usually, it's not as a big a deal as they themselves have spun it to be or blaming themselves for certain things that weren't really their fault. They don't like themselves for some reason and they don't want the other people judging them like they judge themselves. There are very deep roots for this kind of an "issue".

IF that's you, exploring things deeply would be so worth it. Have you noticed my screen name? That's me after having gone down the road of exploring my emotional unavailability as a fairly young woman and doing that work has allowed me to experience life with a new set of eyes and a greater understanding and be able to support and help people myself.

Life can be very good and full, it's worth it.

You're probably right. I just can't shake this fear that I have no matter how hard I try. I have such an overwhelming fear of showing weakness that it holds me back in not only my interpersonal relationships, but also makes it hard for me to hold a regular job. Just as I'm afraid to reveal my weaknesses to others, I'm afraid of appearing weak and incapable at a job and become evasive and defensive if I make a simple mistake. I've ruined seemingly good friendships and have been fired from more than one job off being like this alone. In short, if I'm not in complete control of an interpersonal situation, I find it difficult to function in one.

I used to have a lot of friends and was much happier at one point in my life, but I pushed most of them away for the sake of starting an online business and making more money without having to deal with people. I've spent most of my young adult life trying to manipulate my way out of facing my fears and I'm starting to see that I've hurt myself further. I sold what little happiness that I had at one point for the sake of money thinking that it would make me happy and solve all of my problems. Now I'm still having money issues and I won't see most of the money that I've made for another couple of months which means that I'll still struggle. I can't live this way anymore.

I know that I need a therapist but I'm done working; I'm tired. I would rather take the easy way out and do some barely-legal but shady black hat stuff to get ahead. I need money for therapy and insurance, I need a car, and I need to start my life over. I'm done struggling and I'll do anything and pay any price to finally have the chance that was wrongfully denied to me most of my life.

In short, I feel like being any way dependent on others makes me weak. I feel like if I'm not in control of a relationship or friendship, I'm at the other person's mercy. To me, there is nothing worse than vulnerability.

On a positive note, at least if I hurt myself rather than giving others the chance to hurt me, I'm still in control.

Being completely dependent on another person is not a healthy thing for an adult. But depending on others for certain things in a balanced way is healthy. Give and take. Mutual. Being completely dependent on another person would be a burden on them and vice versa. It's about balance. And, asking for a hand up is different from a hand out. There is no shame in asking for help if you use it to your advantage, express appreciation and either do something in return or pay it forward, even.

On a positive note, at least if I hurt myself rather than giving others the chance to hurt me, I'm still in control. -- This is a very telling statement.

Good luck with your "journey", but do seek help from a therapist.

Thanks for your help and I'm sorry if I seem resistant to what you have to say, I'm taking your advice by all means, but I'm known for my stubborn attitude lol

I know that I need a therapist, its just that right now my options are very limited due to how limited and unstable my current income is. On top of it all, the state that I live in has a terrible mental health system The only option that's available to me is a public mental health center that I've went to twice, but due to the fact that I have to ride a bus which makes a 15 minute drive into a 1-2 hour one and the fact that they want me there at 8AM to do a full intake which would take 3-4 hours, I have absolutely no desire to deal with it along with all of my other problems. I hate waking up early and riding the bus and even if I do get in, I can't rely on the buses to get me where I need to be in time. I would rather wait until I have the money for a phone therapist which would mean that I would have to wait longer without getting help.

Working a lot for a little is illogical and wasteful to me.

But I digress. I'll take what you said to heart regardless of my doubts and lack of motivation

You are for sure very intelligent and insightful young man. I feel that you have way more potential both intellectually and emotionally than you let yourself experience. Would like to see you successful in all aspects

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I fully expect resistance and procrastination from you, Darkness I am persistent and proactive.

When my children have had doubts and a lack of motivation . . . they got a boot in the butt (figuratively speaking) You want me to come there and boot yours?

Gee thanks. I probably need it though haha

Just stay out of prison. James Michener said if a young man can make it to age 30 and stay out of jail, hes doing alright.

You are on a "mental health" site and you are being very open about many things. That says a lot. The right therapy will be so helpful. You already have some understanding of who you are - when you are ready it will be worth it.

Tonight I meant to come on here and write some things I was thinking about during the day and I see the conversation changed... it's a good change.

Regarding a relationship... it's very difficult for a couple to try not and get "attached". We are holding on to old evolution in our brains regarding, sex, love, attachment and so on.. You can educate yourself about "what is going on" and that could help you make choices. I like .. Helen E. Fisher she is an American anthropologist, human behavior researcher, and self-help author. Sometimes people do not care to understand the chemistry - it may not seem as magical - but the way she puts it.. I know the ingredients in a chocolate cake and still love it!

Stay in the here and now. You can try and enjoy someone's company now today - do not miss out on the experience. As fearful as I can be about relationships... I've learned to enjoy what's in front of me now. If things do not work out for us for whatever reason it's ok. Now, you are younger so you will meet those that want marriage and a full time attachment - but not all - be honest and upfront. As you try you will learn to enjoy the whole person without the OMG this is gonna hurt eventually.

You can get to the point where you like your life with just you - and another person can enhance it... but... you are still you with or without a relationship.

Good luck working on the things that are holding you back. If you work on it you will change. I still have my walls up but nothing like I use to... and had many great experiences once I learned how to manage those thoughts that hold me back.

I'm only being as open as I am because of anonymity. I wouldn't be this open in real life with anybody unless I knew them for several years.

The rest of your post is helpful though. Thanks.

Exactly.

I get that.... I am more open here as well because I feel safe. I've talked about things on this site that I never shared with another individual.
At your age I did not acknowledge the things that you acknowledge about yourself.... that's moving in the right direction.

I have been completely open with one person and he s h i t on me.

It hurt a lot and still does and it has been years. It is hard.

I have no idea if we're still on the original post about what we think about relationships, but I'll add my two cents

I see that you talk about not wanting to "need" someone else but, for me, a relationship is primarily about WANTING someone else (in all ways). My husband and I have been happily married a long time and we metaphorically hold each other's hands because we want to, not because we are solely obligated to.
Because of this, we are there for each other when life sucks. And it does, sometimes.

Just my 2 cents.