This time I want to rant about my daughter.

I believe she has always resented my leaving her step father (she was 22 at the time), which is a whole other rant.

Anway, she has largely ignorred me ever since. She has remained stubbord despite my fluctuating mental health. Even my being hospitalized most of the summer seemed to cause barely a ruffle.

She calls only when she must - usually because someone else has told her to.

Two things this last month she has done really hurt. She lives 7hrs away and I never see her. Someone let it slip that she was coming to the city for a relative's (not my side) birthday party. I believe she would never have said anything if it wasn't for this person letting it drop. She called me because she 'had to'. We did get together for a breakfast, but it felt strained. Again I got the sense she did so only because she had to.

Well, this morning I found out she is going out of the country today. DOn't you think this is something you'd tell your mother?

[Skeezyks]

Parent / "child" relationships can be so difficult. As I look back on the relationship I had with my parents... I know I am in no position to be critical... I send warm thoughts your way, rcat...

Talked about this with my doc today and we said a lot of stuff. He suggestd the old write a letter trick.

The bit about her stepdad really hurts. She worships him and felt my leaving him was an injustice. Of course, at 22 she hadn't lived with us since she was 17 and so wasn't around to witness the abuse, the lies, the infidelities. I've never set her straight on that. I always hoped she would figure it out for herself. Moving his girlfriend in weeks after I left should have been an indicator. Hanging out with no one over the age of 25 should have been an indicator, etc, etc. It hurts because she too had to do with out because of his stingyness. The fact that he spends wild amounts of money now should be something I would think she too would resent. And finally, she and his girlfriend are friends.

So much for honouring and respecting your mother.

[healingme4me]

Is she just clueless and self absorbed? Does she get gifts from them or something? I do stay in contact with my stepmother, they were married 25 years. I don't quite avoid my father, as many in my position would probably write him completely off, I keep my distance.
I see women all the time, maintaining contact with their moms despite their pasts, not always perfect pasts, but mom is mom and you only get one.
I've heard of distance between father and son when divorce occurred at a young age, in many parts, I point my finger at the mom. Yet, in your case...vent away! You've hinted at disrespectful comments in one of your first posts. What's your daughters deal??

Actually, I think she might be bipolar herself. She shows a lot of the indicators; bouts of depression, anxiety and behaviour I recognize as hypomanic. Impulsive behaviour, poor judgment, risk taking behaviour and the gamut.

Her step father is a very dynamic charismatic man surrounded by 'acolytes' and those eager to ride the wave. He has been in one long midlife crisis and hangs around people generally younger than she is now. Life around him is a party. I know he spends money on her - he's paid for a few vacations and has helped her out once or twice too.

In comparison I, her mother, am destitute, and have no life or certainly no excitement. I can't compete with him.

I have racked my brain trying to figure out where I went horribly wrong. Obviously I didn't just become bipolar over night, but I really can't recall any incidents that could account for this. She did resent me for not being able to afford those things she wanted (he was to blame for that). And I suppose she is getting that from him after all.

[popuri88]

I think you should write her a letter. She seems to be a bit self-absorbed or selfish to me, specially when you mentioned she worships a stepfather who gives her things. She's not a teenager anymore and should be more reflective and mature towards that.

I don't believe in "your mother is your mother and you should praise here forever" thing or any kind of cosmic binding between family members. Sometimes you have a ***** of a mother who is really toxic there's nothing that could make that relationship work. For example, if I had my grandmother as a mother I would go no contact forever and nothing she would do could make me change my mind. However, it's definitely not your case. It seems your daughter is being reaaaally unfair.

I don't know, I'm not a mother and I'm led to think mothers are unable... stay way from their kids, but what if she refuses to understand you even with the letter? Will you keep trying?

I will keep trying, even if the letter causes a confrontation. Do I point out to her the abuse and carrying on her step-father made me endure? Do I point out that every last dime I earned went to running a household without assistance from her step-father. Do I point out the behavior I witnessed first hand with 20 year olds? Do I point out he kept meeting up with girls he met online? Do I point out he was carrying on with his (then) girlfriend before I moved on?

I just have such vindictive thoughts towards him and blame him so much for what went on and the hurt he continues to inflict - and the fact she is a 'pawn' in his behaviour.

But no, I shall keep the letter simply to informing her I am hurt, that I feel like a second class citizen, and my wishes to be included.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rcat

I will keep trying, even if the letter causes a confrontation. Do I point out to her the abuse and carrying on her step-father made me endure? Do I point out that every last dime I earned went to running a household without assistance from her step-father. Do I point out the behavior I witnessed first hand with 20 year olds? Do I point out he kept meeting up with girls he met online? Do I point out he was carrying on with his (then) girlfriend before I moved on?

I just have such vindictive thoughts towards him and blame him so much for what went on and the hurt he continues to inflict - and the fact she is a 'pawn' in his behaviour.

But no, I shall keep the letter simply to informing her I am hurt, that I feel like a second class citizen, and my wishes to be included.

I would not say anything about her step-father. That information really isn't something that needs to be shared with her. That is between you and him, and children (even adult children) should really be left out of it. It's also not the child's job to protect or feel sorry for the parent. It can be very uncomfortable when (adult) kids are put in the middle and it can cause them to become distant-- which it sounds like it is in your daughter's case. While I don't know anything about your situation other that what you have posted here, I can say as the daughter of a mother with mental illness, it can extremely difficult for the child and, sometimes, distance really is needed. Parents often don't recognize how much children really are aware of and affected by growing up around mental illness. Your daughter is barely an adult, and she may need a break to only have herself to worry about right now. It really isn't her job to be a caretaker or support to her parents at this age. She probably needs to spread her wings and figure out who she is. It doesn't mean she is selfish or uncaring. She might just only have the energy to take care of herself right now.

In the letter, it might push her away more if you lost all of the things you are upset about and all the things you think she is doing wrong. Have you thought about what positive things you can bring to her life or what positive things you can say about her? Kids need to feel loved and supported, not just criticized. Otherwise they will pull away.

[healingme4me]

I like the idea of a positive letter pointing out her attributes.
Leaving out the pain you feel from your two exes, just put in the things you are currently up to, in your own life.

Something like, I know I'm not perfect. I do love you, hope for the best for you and will be here when you find that you need me. To wrap it up.

yes a positive letter is in the works.

How do I in the meantime forget about the fact I can't compete with her step-dad? This is a different issue than my original question I know but so very much tied to it. I am reminded of this over and over again. To block my child on FB seems so confrontational but it is also the ONLY way I have of knowing the ocassional thing that happens in her life. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and she would suddenly see the light. It boggles my mind that she can't have seen these things on her own, that it's inappropriate for him to be hanging out with her girlfriends and behaving badly let alone what he did while with me.

[healingme4me]

Maybe just adjust your settings without losing her on your friends list? Unfollowing her feed, frees you to only look when you're in the proper mindset. Set your own posts to only go to certain people, so if you need to vent in a supportive circle, she's not privy and it doesn't affect your relationship with her. There's gray areas where fb is concerned.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rcat

yes a positive letter is in the works.

How do I in the meantime forget about the fact I can't compete with her step-dad? This is a different issue than my original question I know but so very much tied to it. I am reminded of this over and over again. To block my child on FB seems so confrontational but it is also the ONLY way I have of knowing the ocassional thing that happens in her life. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and she would suddenly see the light. It boggles my mind that she can't have seen these things on her own, that it's inappropriate for him to be hanging out with her girlfriends and behaving badly let alone what he did while with me.

I can understand why this upsets you, but it really isn't her responsibility to recognize all of the things her stepdad did to you or to cut him out of her life because he was a bad husband to you. If you're lucky-- which it sounds like you are!-- she will still be able to have a positive relationship with him as a "dad" aside from any issues between you and him. If she is benefitting from his love and support, how great for her! Sometimes, people make lousy spouses but good parents. At only 22 years old, it's totally understandable that she wouldn't be assessing the appropriateness of his dating behavior with other women or his acting like a 20-something himself. That really isn't her business. There also isn't one right way to view him-- it isn't about "seeing the light" because there are as many different ways to interpret his behavior as there are people on the planet. I understand that he was not a good husband to you, but that really should not affect his relationship with her. If she values him as a father, then let her have that. Just try to have a separate, positive relationship with her where you can love and value her also. She really needs both of you. And she's the kid in this situation, even if she is now in her 20s. She needs to know that you can be a supportive person in her life without bringing in baggage from the divorce or criticizing her. If you show her what you can add to her life, she will probably want more of a relationship with you.

[divine1966]

I agree with the last post. As an adult she can have relationship with her stepdad no matter how you feel about him. My ex husband is a lousy husband yet he is a great dad to our daughter. And so on. I have great relationship with my ex's BF's adult kids and its totally nothing to do with my ex. They are adults and want to remain friends with me. I am all for it

There is no need for your daughter to know how stepdad treated you. It's not relevant to her

As about material possessions there is no need to compete. My ex husband is very well off and I am just ok. He buys our daughter things that I cannot afford, he paid her college tuition ( undergrad, she paid grad school herself), he paid for her wedding. He is very wealthy. It's nothing for him. So what! I am actually glad he can do all those things because I cannot! In your situation he is not even bio dad and he does things for her.

I just think you might try finding positives in all this. I hope you can repair the relationship with your daughter

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[popuri88]

I agree with the last posts, but I feel like she uses double standards for each of her parents. She behaves like she's got nothing to do with her father's bad behaviour as a husband but judges her mother for leaving him. Not implying it has to do with the support she gets from him, but the way OP puts it makes me see think the daughter is being unfair.

Anyway, I would never, ever measure my parents for what they buy/give me . My mother also becomes bitter because of that sometimes and I can't convince her she's a good mom, but the truth is it isn't a competition and there's absolutely no need to behave as if it was.

She is in Mexico. Guess who I found out is there too?

[divine1966]

Her stepdad? Why does it bother you?

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because she lives this fabulous life because of him and I can't compete. I can't give her anything. I can't even give her my attention and apparently my love is ignorred.

[healingme4me]

I hear what you're saying. Why not embrace each parent/parental figures uniqueness that they bring to life. I adored my late stepdad. Was hard being so young at first with the suddenness of their marriage. And I've grown to adore my stepmother, which because of the divorce and all my dad's behaviour since separating, I realize she wasn't the enemy that he tossed her out to be. As if a wedge was planted and now removed. Extended families bring something of importance if nurtured properly.

Also, isn't your ex a narcissist? Explains the wedge, if that's the reality..

well, to add fuel to the fire is the fact that her step-dad's girlfriend is all chummy with her. And yes, the man is a charismatic narcissist that just draws people in.

Anyway, you are right, my problem is with her not with him - or at least that is entirely a seperate issue.

I've sat down this morning and written what I think is a positive letter. I've tried to stay cheerful with mixing in the 'wish I played a bigger part in your life' 'think it might be nice to hear from you now and then' 'perhaps you forgot to let me know you were leaving the country' etc. It was hard to write and not be accusational or fill it with 'shoulds' and 'outght to's'. It was hard not to fill it with my pain and sorrow. But I think I got it done. I'll sit on it a few days though.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by rcat

. I've tried to stay cheerful with mixing in the

'wish I played a bigger part in your life'

'think it might be nice to hear from you now and then'

'perhaps you forgot to let me know you were leaving the country' etc. .

My mom had great support after she left my dad, as an adult I came to see the light of what type of personality he has, yet,I was burnt deeply/wounded as a teen, then early adult. I'm sure anyone affected by npd can relate.

During the his custody years, she'd say that her door was always open. She'd reaffirm her feelings for me with little cards, even into adulthood. She'd go out of her way to find the right card or poem cards.
She'd give space, then space became unnecessary.

I'm thinking of other words to express these three sentences. Mainly, the last part about Mexico. Maybe, I'd love to hear all about your vacation, if you'd like. ??

[scorpiosis37]

I'd leave out "perhaps you forgot to tell me you were leaving the country" and, instead, say something like "have a great trip! I'd love to hear about it when you get back." The former sounds passive-aggressive and accusatory. But saying that you would love to hear about it sounds positive and invites her to tell you about it, which could bring you two closer.

Originally Posted by rcat

Actually, I think she might be bipolar herself. She shows a lot of the indicators; bouts of depression, anxiety and behaviour I recognize as hypomanic. Impulsive behaviour, poor judgment, risk taking behaviour and the gamut.

Her step father is a very dynamic charismatic man surrounded by 'acolytes' and those eager to ride the wave. He has been in one long midlife crisis and hangs around people generally younger than she is now. Life around him is a party. I know he spends money on her - he's paid for a few vacations and has helped her out once or twice too.

In comparison I, her mother, am destitute, and have no life or certainly no excitement. I can't compete with him.

I have racked my brain trying to figure out where I went horribly wrong. Obviously I didn't just become bipolar over night, but I really can't recall any incidents that could account for this. She did resent me for not being able to afford those things she wanted (he was to blame for that). And I suppose she is getting that from him after all.

Why are you to blame for her behavior?

That's the worst part. I feel as though I have been made to feel responsible