I'm actually amidst the breakup as I type. You may remember my posts and threads of about a month ago where my world was shattered after I found reason to distrust my boyfriend.

Well, whether it is my bipolar acting up, I am jumping to conclusions, or my feelings are founded I once more find myself confused and feeling distrust - and a great amount of hurt. On the one hand this person treated me better than I have ever been in a relationship before. On the other hand he has been incredibly supportive when it comes to my mental health. Yet on the other, I just can't shake the idea he has been engaging in inappropriate relationships.

How can one person behave so incredibly awesome and at the same time have what I believe is a secretive life.

Again it may be all in my head. I don't believe so. But, regardless if it is or isn't my trust is in question. One cannot have a relationship when this exists. It's unfair to both parties.

And so I am making what is the only choice I can in all fairness make. And it's killing me because I really love this person deeply.

[divine1966]

Do you have any prove he behaves inappropriately? If yes take care of yourself and move on. Well just because someone is better than others isn't good enough reason. I stayed with my ex for almost 9 years because he was better than others, I thought it was enough

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Divine, there are too many 'coincidences'

For one, we both belong to a self publishing story website. He hasn't published a story in months yet his status indicates he's on the site nightly. He will tell me about how he was in bed by a certain time yet his status showed he was on the site fully two hours after that. His profile shows he only has female friends - all of which appear questionable. Some with very provcative profile pictures, etc.

He left his iPad out in the open and it is synced to his cell phone. It was sitting inches away from me so it's not as though I snooped. In several hours he received numerous texts from women some arranging to meet.

Do I have a right to jump to conclusions? I think so.

[shygalincali]

I am going through some of same. I am bi-polar, anxiety, major depresive and PTSD. I have a problem that once i get an idea in my head it just sprials out of control. I have been in relationship over ten years. WE are both alcoholics, he didn't get get sober until a year and a half ago. Me ten years with one slip. I thought i was so positive i had proof he was chatting with other women that i sent a very mean, hateful text. He tried calling i never answered then he called my mom cause he was worried what was going on. I had thoughts of suicide i was so upset and hurt. Turns out it was just my imagination, This hurt him greatly and said i have severe mental problems. He started drinking and blamed me for it. Which in AA they say you are not responsible for other person drinking. He had finally got a good job, i thought all was great but my insecurities built from earlier trauma with other men in my life led me to believe things that aren't true. He said very hateful things to me while drunk. I have finally concluded this is a very dysfunctional, toxic relationship. I know I must end it but I love him so much. But obviously my past is still getting in the way. Saw my therapist today, she said to write a pro/con list. My problem is i react before i think. I am so upset but know to end this would in the long run be best.

[divine1966]

Multiple texts from women asking to meet is bad. Also if he does nothing wrong then why lie he was in bed? Sorry but yes you are right

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[~Christina]

If it walks like a duck , talks like a duck ... well Quack

I think its best at this point that you look out for your own well being . I'm sorry your going through this mess

[Trippin2.0]

I concur, Quack Quack.


You did the right thing, however hard it may be.


You deserve so much better!!

blue at the depths of my soul
a loathing and blame of self
loneliness begins to set in
a weakness of body
I'm shattered emotionally
great shame
why?

[Psychcookie]

Hi Racat - I read your previous story about your BF and the situation you are in now. Heart Ache is the worst I know and I understand, but sometimes it helps to ask the right questions.
Letting go of someone gracefully is tough but its the right thing to do. You have emotions attached to him and its fine to feel those emotion's but please do not let it override you. Every time your mind generates these thoughs keep calm and look at it from a third person's view point. Look at this emotion and thought and see what your mind is generating. Your mind is great tool if you can use it right if you cant it will take control of you.
Hope this helps.

thx everyone.

It has been a few days and I have mixed feelings about this. He continues to deny, deny, deny and now I have some doubt and wonder if the whole thing was in my head. Could I have been seeing things or misinterpreted what I thought was fact? Could I have sabotaged this like I have so much else in my life before a greater commitment was made?

But it doesn't matter I suppose whether my conclusions are true. I would have continued to wonder, continued to look for or read into irregularities. I would have eventually blown up again. My relationship was doomed - whether it be actual actions on his part or lack of trust on mine.

The doubt regarding these particular events remains in my mind. I honestly believe he bahaved badly. Maybe it was legit and not flirting. But I am firm in my belief the line was crossed in some shape or form.

The breakup is done. It is over. Nasty things were said.

[divine1966]

You did catch him before so no it's not in your head. You saw texts from women. That's not in your head. There are no random men texting me asking to meet or even just to talk.

He gave them his number and they think he is available. Red flag

Also besides that there are other red flags. He isn't legally divorced and still supports his wife. That's bad enough without adding all these women to the mix.

Of course he denies.

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[healingme4me]

^^^Good Points.

Reground yourself in the reality of the historic facts of your relationship.

There's no need for him to leave room for doubt. His actions with that mentioned account with women'only' with texts to meet coming in, during the middle of the night??? C'mon, would you do that to him? Or to another man? What would you expect them to think, if you did. It's about being accountable to one another.

I saw him yesterday to exchange some belongs before dinner. He was so mean. I've never heard or seen him that way. After supper he asked me to drop by. I was scared to do so. I did, and this time he was the oppostie - sweet and pleading for me to stay. But I didn't. I stayed strong. I stayed firm. I said goodbye.

[divine1966]

Good job. Hang in there

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[healingme4me]

Good on you, for walking away.

(Final Comment)

I presented my evidence and of course he angrily jumped in and denied (as a whole) having done anything.

You know what I wanted?

All I really wanted to hear was an "It does look bad. I can see why you feel this way."
An acknowledgement and validation of my feelings.

I addressing of the evidence would have been nice. A tert denial of all without even hearing out what I had to say only makes me question the denial.

[Trippin2.0]

ok, update time.

Tomorrow will be two weeks. I just can't make this breakup complete and final.

First of all, he has yet to address the evidence. I can't get closure until he admits it at least looked badly for him and validate I had good reason to question him. He keeps saying sorry but it is flat and falls on deaf ears. It is not an admission of guilt rather a blanket apology. Saying sorry for the sake of saying sorry.

As explained above, his initial reaction was to get very angry. He said some horrible things, but the last week he has been the opposite. He is desperate to get back together.

He kept contacting me to get together. The reasons were valid yet tiresome. He had stuff of mine to drop off. Could I come over and explain what I packed (moving) and how. He even feigned having a panic attack. He had art work of mine to return, and so it has gone on. Each time he has been all nice and sweet. Wanting to hug and even hold my hand. I simply pulled myself back.

I've explained it's over to him again and again and he just doesn't get it. He made his move to another city and I assumed it would finally end but he has kept it up. Texting and msging me everyday. What does he not get about my telling him it's over? What does he not get that I need closure over his internet infidelities? Ehat does he not get that I can't trust him and won't resume our relationship. What does he not get about 'No'?

[Trippin2.0]

Closure is something I think you will have to get for yourself, I don't see him providing it.

Many of us have to find our own closure because our ex's just can't or wont give it to us.

He understands good and well what you need, he understands the meaning of no, he understands everything perfectly fine.

He's just not interested in giving it to you, he thinks he can wear down your defenses and you'll take him back and all will be well with the world.

If he was genuinely interested in fixing what he broke, 1; There'd be an admission of guilt, coupled with a heartfelt apology and questions about how to make it up to you.

2; There'd be talks about how much time and space you may need to process.

3; He'd be offering to divulge all passwords, and access to all past communication in order to either prove how innocent he has been, or to assure you that he won't be guilty in future.

Don't fall for his tactics, he is not sincere, not in the least.

[ChipperMonkey]

Block his number? No need to see those texts!

[healingme4me]

For me, closure would be about knowing that my needs just weren't going to be met, there was an incapacity to do so.

Tough love, he did you wrong. Actions speak louder than words, hence the simple word 'sorry' falls flat. No contact might be the better solution. Your not getting what you want from him, hasn't happened and doesn't appear to be in the near future. He's absorbing your energy and emotions during a time that needs to be spent on recovering from the pain.

Of course, he must have qualities about him, that are loveable, they all do, it's that something isn't there inside him to comprehend where he needed to compromise with you.

I met with my pdoc this morning. I never went into a rant or detail other than he broke my trust over internet infidelity. I left it at that. He said basically what is being said here but also really validated my actions which I needed to hear voiced aloud.

[divine1966]

You did what's right. For you. You don't need closure from him because it really means nothing. It's rather typical what he is doing. No one likes to be dumped.

He didn't do what he did (such as repeatedly scratching for women online) not because he didn't know it might hurt but because that's how he is. His life style and values etc

It took me awhile to realize and recognize that my ex drank because he is an alcoholic not because he didn't know it is bad. Same here. He did it and does it and will continue doing it.

You can block his number and move on

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[avlady]

he is not sincere as Trippin said. it is great you are not giving into him anymore. great going and keep up the good work!!!