**Let me preface this by saying that I'm not going to (or looking for an excuse to) engage in a relationship that is going to wreck someone's home life. Also sorry for the novel, and thanks so much for reading!

Okay. I'm 30-something, single, and okay with that. I'm not saying I wouldn't date if someone awesome came along, it's just that no one more awesome than the independent life I currently have has. I have been working for the past 4 years on obtaining a degree which will allow me to advance in my current career, so this has kept me from dating seriously as well. I work in a high stress professional environment--professional in what we do, not necessarily how we act (we joke around a lot, we have "gallows" humor; it's all part of the work culture). For the past three years, I've had a work friendship with a man ("B") with whom I have a lot of chemistry. It's acknowledged on both sides, no question. Chemistry in that we have a lot of silly little things in common that most people our age do not, not heady sexual chemistry (not that's acknowledged, anyway). We're both huge geeks, let's just leave it at that. And we enjoy talking to each other about our incredibly geeky interests.

Problem on my side is that from day one I have had a huge attraction to him: to be blunt, he's exactly what I want in a partner. Given this, knowing that he's happily married with children has caused me to tread very lightly. I don't outright flirt, but I do talk to him. As I said, I enjoy talking to him, as do most of our coworkers; he's one of everyone's favorites. Problem on B's side is that I think he is outright flirting. When we first started really getting to know one another, he used to like and comment on my Facebook posts fairly frequently. Not terribly flirtatious things, but when I'm the only female co-worker he's showing attention to on FB (actually, the only coworker period), if I were his wife, that would bother me. I no longer have a FB, and anyway the likes and comments abruptly ended about 3 months after they started. Now it's things like, idk, when I squeeze past him, he'll put his hands on my hips to kind of guide me as I go by, you know? Just a lot of random comments and little physical things that all kind of add up. Then the other day, I was having a rotten shift, and he hugged me. Not a light, one-armed side squeeze...this was a full-on bear hug that lingered. And since he's about 4 inches taller than me, it was hard for my head not to get tucked under his chin, my face buried in his neck. It was more action than I've had in a long time, tbh. I think somewhere in the time I was being squeezed by B, it clicked that I had probably crossed some kind of line somewhere. I just didn't know how or where (having a crush does not an affair make, imo). To be clear, B's actions are not the miscreant kind of flirting that you'd see at the bar on a Saturday night. It's more playful, less overtly sexual. However, my spidey sense is tingling. I guess I'm afraid that, since his attention has only increased over the years, it will continue to do so. And then what?

I've heard that if a man was a flirt before he was married, he'll still flirt and that it's usually harmless. They like the thrill of the chase but love to go home to the one that they finally caught--their wife. Okay, fine. And I can deal with that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy his attention. However, aside from the obvious factor of his unavailability, I am hopefully about to advance within this organization to a position which I will need to commit at least 5 years. He's in a position that's not really above me--I'm not his subordinate, our jobs would be (more) symbiotic--but let's just say it would not benefit me for us to be connected in any kind of scandalous way. It wouldn't be good for him either but I would definitely be the losing party in that situation.

So what say you, forum? It feels like a sticky situation. I want to remain friends with this person. He's a lot of fun. But I don't want to find myself in over my head. Do you think his flirting is harmless, or should I be concerned and pull away?

Or am I way overthinking this (which I do everything anyway)? I know you don't know us, but give it your best shot.

TL;DR: My married coworker/friend of three years whom I have a crush on is a playful flirt, but is highly attentive and has advanced to a more physical kind of flirtation lately. What are your opinions on his motives--innocent or not so much?

Thanks in advance.

Ruari, i think a flirtatious man who is married to me is not worth the trouble. Eventually he will cheat on his wife, if not with you then someone else. Flirting leads to something and you don't need that. You have more self worth and esteem otherwise you would not be asking this question. I personally would not remain friends with a married man who flirts. He will always have a roaming eye, and if he does it to his wife, he will do it to you if you get involved with him. Being friends with him can also label you as a homewrecker even if you are not. People love to run their mouths in an office, I know. Best to find a excuse to not be around him anymore. Those are my thoughts. I hope that helps.

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Ruari, i think a flirtatious man who is married to me is not worth the trouble. Eventually he will cheat on his wife, if not with you then someone else. Flirting leads to something and you don't need that. You have more self worth and esteem otherwise you would not be asking this question. I personally would not remain friends with a married man who flirts. He will always have a roaming eye, and if he does it to his wife, he will do it to you if you get involved with him. Being friends with him can also label you as a homewrecker even if you are not. People love to run their mouths in an office, I know. Best to find a excuse to not be around him anymore. Those are my thoughts. I hope that helps.

TOTALLY not planning on getting involved with him in a romantic way. I promise. I can't; even if I had loose morals, my career means more to me than sex at this time in my life. I also can't really not be around him; we have to work pretty closely--he depends on me, and my job wouldn't exist without his job needing me. (Confusing, I know, but I don't want to give a lot away. If you think about it, I feel like it's obvious what industry we're in )

I feel a little confused. He loves his wife and family; I don't really question that. I feel like he'd never stray... but I'm also pretty naive sometimes. I'll admit that things tend to broadside me. I guess I'll be honest--I wanted someone to tell me I was overthinking it, that he was probably just being innocently goofy and yeah, flirtatious, but that some men just...are. Not necessarily because I want to keep the thing going, but because it disappoints me so much to think that he'd ever have anything but innocent intentions.

If that makes any sense.

[hannabee]

If you look up flirting it is : behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions. Take the textbook definition and you are okay. Only you know if it will lead to something more serious....just don't let it!

The fact that your "spidey-senses" are tingling says to me that things are headed somewhere that you don't feel comfortable with.

This could be either that your coworker is getting too hands-on with you and you realize that's not a good thing, or it could be that you feel your emotions getting more involved that you feel is safe. Or it could be both.

Would it be possible just to dial things back a little? If it's possible just to interact with him a little less and have things go back to a more comfortable place, that would be good.

If that won't work, the other option is to have a talk with him about what you think is a bad idea - the touching and whatever else.

I am the type of person to try the indirect way first in a situation like this. There are many non-verbal ways to let someone know they need to back off a little. Sometimes that's all that's needed.

If you do end up having to do "the talk", stressing your concern about the impression your co-workers and managers will get is a safe way to phrase things.

From what you've written, your co-worker doesn't sound like a bad person. If the two of you have worked together for as long as you have and nothing has happened, that makes me think that he's not a bad person.

I've been in both kinds of work situations in the past - 1) a guy who is friendly and chatty because he wants to take the relationship outside the office, and 2) someone that I was genuinely friends with for years and we had just a touch of flirtation in our relationship.

I had to pretty much cut off interacting with the first guy, but I always felt safe with the second.

You sound like you've got the second type of guy who may be starting to let himself get a little too friendly. He may be having the same sort of misgivings that you are. It's not always easy to know what's in someone's head.

I will say that it's important to be careful. That old story about the frog in the slowly heating up water comes to mind. A work relationship can have that aspect to it because you see the other person so often.

I don't know if you journal or write things down to get them clearer in your mind. I think that might be helpful in this situation.

I won't go so far as to say that I think you should cut off your friendship with this guy. That sounds like a last resort. You'll have to make that call.

I do think that the "work spouse" type relationship should feel safe. If that type of relationship works the way it's supposed to, it's a close friendship that enhances the lives of both people.

If it's causing you anxiety and concern and the two of you aren't able to adjust your interactions so that things feel comfortable and safe, then I think you probably know that it might be better to spend less time together.

I hope that you'll be able to get things back to a level that you're comfortable with.

Oh - have you met his wife? Ideally, if you have a close male co-worker, it's better if you've met his wife and she likes you. I don't know if your workplace has parties, etc., where you would naturally meet her.

I guess I'll be honest--I wanted someone to tell me I was overthinking it, that he was probably just being innocently goofy and yeah, flirtatious, but that some men just...are. Not necessarily because I want to keep the thing going, but because it disappoints me so much to think that he'd ever have anything but innocent intentions.

His intentions may well be good. It sounds like it's a complex situation. What you might want to think about is his level of impulsiveness. That can get people into trouble even if their intentions are excellent.

If he has a good relationship with his wife, that's very good.

Sorry I can't say that it sounds like you're overthinking it. I think it's a little harder in these work relationships when one of the people is single.

Regardless of what his intentions are or aren't, you've sort of indicated some discomfort with the recent level of physical contact. It sounds like that's something you want to cut back on for your own sake.

I totally get what you mean about not having a choice about working closely with him. I've been in that situation. I'm sorry to say that I once dated someone that I worked that closely with and then when it ended badly, we still had to spend 10-15 hours a week sitting together doing intellectually demanding work. (where's the face palm emoticon?)

Thank you for your feedback. All of this is pretty much what I was thinking as well.

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

...your coworker is getting too hands-on with you and you realize that's not a good thing, or it could be that you feel your emotions getting more involved that you feel is safe. Or it could be both.

Would it be possible just to dial things back a little? If it's possible just to interact with him a little less and have things go back to a more comfortable place, that would be good.

If that won't work, the other option is to have a talk with him about what you think is a bad idea - the touching and whatever else.

I don't think I need to have a talk at this point. The prospect is just...ugh. What I see in him is this big, last-born, Tigger-ish, extroverted personality whose main goal is to make everyone around him happy. And he is a very good guy; that's what makes me attracted to him, and makes him everyone's favorite. I do think there can't be anymore hugging, because that was just...oooooof. It was too much. Dopamine and oxytocin had me flyin' high, let me tell you. And that is not a good thing when it comes to this situation. I think next time he throws his arms wide I'll make a joke out of it and say, "Hey B, how about a nice friendly pat on the shoulder instead?" I can handle that.

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

You sound like you've got the second type of guy who may be starting to let himself get a little too friendly. He may be having the same sort of misgivings that you are. It's not always easy to know what's in someone's head.

I agree. The few non-coworker friends I've talked to about this (I don't say anything to coworkers) think the same, that we have obvious chemistry and that maybe he's just not being as careful as he should be. I mean, some guys are incredibly obtuse. I do think of him as sort of the work significant other...sort of. But I have another. The difference between him and the other is that a) I am incredibly attracted to him b) there isn't the same...click?...with the other as with him. And if the other flirts, it's so ridiculously over-the-top obnoxiously obvious that it's just a joke.

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Oh - have you met his wife? Ideally, if you have a close male co-worker, it's better if you've met his wife and she likes you. I don't know if your workplace has parties, etc., where you would naturally meet her.

Yes, I have. Once. A few of my coworkers are friends with her and I had heard about how super awesome and sweet she was prior to meeting her, but she was a bit cool toward me. She came in with the kid one day a few years ago to drop off his lunch. When she walked in, B and I happened to be standing at a counter talking. Good distance between us, no leaning in, we wear the same thing to work and it's not sexy (lol), you get the picture. He introduced her (or maybe I introduced myself), I shook her hand and said it was nice to meet her (and chatted with the kid), and she was just...standoffish. So Idk if she'd heard of me, or if I came off as threatening, or if she was just tired. But it was weird. Incidentally, that's also right about the time he stopped the FB liking/commenting. *shrug* idk. PS We do have parties--really cool ones--but I've been working for the ones where I'd have a chance to naturally interact with them. Maybe this Christmas.

Anyway. Thanks for the great response!

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

If he has a good relationship with his wife, that's very good.

I totally get what you mean about not having a choice about working closely with him. I've been in that situation. I'm sorry to say that I once dated someone that I worked that closely with and then when it ended badly, we still had to spend 10-15 hours a week sitting together doing intellectually demanding work. (where's the face palm emoticon?)

If I take him at face value, he has an incredibly good relationship with her.

And yeah, even if he were single, it would be a big decision to get involved given what we do. People who have the same type of work relationship we do who've become romantic have had some trouble, as in one of them has usually been pressured to find work elsewhere. And there is a level of trust that has to be there for our respective roles; he has to trust me, and I have to trust him or we can't do our jobs effectively. And since I'm going to be new at my job (and he's experienced at his), I really need to be able to have a good working relationship with him. So yeah. It would be a lot simpler if feelings and attraction weren't involved, but we're human and it happens.

Addendum to the above: I think that is what frightens me a bit. That our good working friendship would change and become bad. I don't want to be misunderstood when I say this, but I need him. Not in a weird unhealthy codependent way, but he's been a source of support at work and as I've worked toward this degree. He's supportive and I trust him--there are only a couple of people in his role for whom I can say that, and I don't have quite the same type of rapport with them as I do with him. So yeah...I chose to pursue advancing where I am because of the handful of people, like him, from whom I've felt support and who I trust to have my back. It scares me to think that could crumble...you know?

Jeez...I guess I didn't realize that until just now.