Hello again everyone.

I'm wondering how to navigate a relational issue which just keeps coming up for me.

Let me give you an example. I recently graduated from a professional program which, as lame as it may sound, is one of the most important things that's happened to me as I'm not married, haven't had a child, and it's taken me years of screwing around (well, fighting through depression and self-doubt) to get myself back to school, let alone graduated. As I said in a previous post, I've worked in my field for years, and have worked with my current coworkers for a few of those. I don't have close family (long story...basically am in contact with a few cousins and have family friends who have been my support system while in school). I have thought of about 5-8 of my coworkers as especially close to me, and quite supportive over the time I was finishing my degree. Even so, I was nervous to invite them to my graduation and reception because I was really afraid of being rejected.

Well...out of the friends and coworkers I invited, over half never showed. Even though they said they would. I know, I know, that happens. However, none of my coworkers showed up, and I had talked to a couple of them via text not an hour before the ceremony who said they were planning to be there. They all had valid (unless they're lying) excuses. They've all been positive, supportive, and uplifting to me. However, this isn't a new scenario. It happened on my birthday this past year as well. And it isn't just coworkers, but let's just stick to them. They will give me positive affirmations ("We're so happy for you!" "You're personality is just too cool...we don't want you to work anywhere else..." "We love you!") but I still feel as though they hold me at arm's length. I feel as though they like me because I do what they ask me to and I'm good at it. I don't feel that they actually know me. They certainly don't invite me to hang out with them, and rarely, if ever, follow through when I reach out to them. I have told myself, well, they probably think you're busy with school, or well, you don't put yourself out there... but I do! And people flake on me, just like with my graduation. Any other time, though it hurt, I've been able to blow it off. But my graduation meant a lot to me, and I ended up at home at 11:30 that night, sitting in my pjs, crying over a beer. Lame.

I feel as though I'm not communicating something I should be. I have struggled pretty hardcore with MI and in the past, people have told me that I reveal too much--you know, people just don't want to hear it, blah blah. And then more recently I've had people tell me that I'm not open at all, that I have too many walls--I mean, that's probably because I don't want to be judged, but now I don't know where the middle ground is. I know that being single and childless at my age already puts me on the outside a little bit, and I think I make an effort to talk to people because I know people aren't just magically going to be my friend. I know I'm a decent, interesting person. And I wonder, with this circumstance, should I be direct about how it made me feel? If I get hired in (i.e. advance), I will be there 3 more years. I know you teach people how to treat you, and I feel that I fail miserably at that. I teach them that I am smart, good, and dependable regardless of what I get in return, I think. And I don't want to constantly feel like I'm trying to sit with the cool kids, to feel like I'm being walked over, or to swing the other way and be irrational because I'm trying to defend myself when there was really nothing to defend.

I feel a little socially awkward. (I am.)

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think that graduating from a professional program is lame in the least! I hope you're proud of yourself because you did it while coping with struggles that most people don't have to deal with.

I think there may be a few things going on... On the one hand, some people consider work friends to be just that. They don't carry those relationships into other areas of their lives. (Yes, I am one of those people. I won't ever become personal friends with a co-worker, for a number of reasons.) I understand that you've become quite close to these people, but I think it may be a good idea to just consider them to be work friends and nothing more. In some workplaces, if you get too personally enmeshed with others, it can come back and bit you in the arse....if people know about your personal life, they can ultimately use it against you at any point in the future. Maybe I'm sounding a bit paranoid, but when it comes right down to it, your job is directly responsible for your financial well being, and in that light, it probably is a good idea to keep work friends at arms length in order to not jeopardize your future. I'm not saying to do anything mean, rather keep them as work friends and let the relationship stop there.

On the other hand, its a pure shyte move to tell someone you'll be there and not show up. Ok, yeah, I'm a hypocrite on this one as I tend to cancel on people all the time....but my reason is always the same, my anxiety is just too much to handle. (I have PTSD.) I don't want to seem like I'm getting up on my high horse, but in the absence of anxiety, I *never* cancel on people. When I say I'll be somewhere or do something, I do it! So really, what's everyone else's excuse? 'Cuz to be frank, most of the world doesn't deal with severe anxiety like I do! Yes, I know others have their reasons and such, but to flake out? Not cool. I honestly think its a societal thing....invitation acceptances aren't set in stone, people don't want to hurt your feelings by saying no to your face, its a lot easier to just not show up because then they don't have to deal with actually seeing you hurt/disappointed. Its the whole out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

On the one hand, some people consider work friends to be just that. They don't carry those relationships into other areas of their lives. (Yes, I am one of those people. I won't ever become personal friends with a co-worker, for a number of reasons.) I understand that you've become quite close to these people, but I think it may be a good idea to just consider them to be work friends and nothing more.

I told myself for a while that it was just that. But the same people are friends with other coworkers outside of work--even with each other. And they tell me things like, "We HAVE to schedule a time when you can come up to my place and _____." Again, everyone does that. But you don't have to say it if you're not going to do it.

I actually asked a coworker of mine whom I've known for about a decade, between two different places of employment (we're not BFFs but we have history and like each other) if I was pissing people off somehow. I told her very basically how I was feeling (bare minimum). She basically told me I worry too much, people like me, and that I'm not doing anything wrong. Hmm.

I'm pretty careful about what I share at work. People aren't too hard on the depression thing or family issues so I may share some things here and there, but I don't get very deep. TBH though other people have way more drama going on than I do; I'm not interesting on that kinda level.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

On the other hand, its a pure shyte move to tell someone you'll be there and not show up. Ok, yeah, I'm a hypocrite on this one as I tend to cancel on people all the time....but my reason is always the same, my anxiety is just too much to handle. (I have PTSD.) I don't want to seem like I'm getting up on my high horse, but in the absence of anxiety, I *never* cancel on people. When I say I'll be somewhere or do something, I do it! So really, what's everyone else's excuse? 'Cuz to be frank, most of the world doesn't deal with severe anxiety like I do! Yes, I know others have their reasons and such, but to flake out? Not cool. I honestly think its a societal thing....invitation acceptances aren't set in stone, people don't want to hurt your feelings by saying no to your face, its a lot easier to just not show up because then they don't have to deal with actually seeing you hurt/disappointed. Its the whole out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.

Yeah I mean, I've bailed on people too because of the depression thing. I just did it to a friend for tomorrow night. I told her (not a work friend) very frankly that I am not doing well lately and I wouldn't be great company but I'd let her know if things changed. Yeah, I suck sometimes too. But I do it rarely and the people who I've bailed on aren't the people I'm complaining about...oddly enough. Though people do have good excuses, it just feels really crappy. I have a hard time believing that they are making excuses to keep from hurting my feelings, but that's what I'm afraid of. The reason I don't believe it is because a few of them (who had good reasons) came to me the other day, hugged me, congratulated me, and asked how it went. I was frank and said that no one was there and it felt kinda cruddy, but that I did have fun. They apologized profusely and said we all needed to go out to make up for it. I'm like...yeah, okay.

Idk. Like I said, though I have positive feedback from pretty much everyone it feels like I'm being held at arm's length and I don't know why. (And no, it's not because of the flirty coworker I mentioned in an earlier post. We work together infrequently enough that I highly doubt that's even on anybody's radar. It'd have to get to hanging out after work level to register a blip.)

Checking in.

So I'm curious (read: overthinking )...is the lack of response to this thread a) because folks are reading it and thinking, "Ugh...get a clue, Ruari. People don't like you, duh!" b) because the post is too long (I know, sorry ) or c) they don't know what to say/aren't interested in responding/other

Heh, sorry if I overdid it with the emojis; I'm entertaining myself. It's been rainy and cold here for days. Was invited to some Halloween things but I have chosen to stay in tonight and am just curled up in some cozy clothes with two very lazy cats drinking coffee and watching the rain. (Yes, I know there are people who like me. I'm just confused by the actions of some...I don't read people well. I wasn't joking when I said I'm socially awkward/retarded. Except that I must hide it well because when I've said that to others they don't believe me. )

[lizardlady]

I'm going to vote "other" about not responding earlier. I don't frequent this forum very often and sort of stumbled across your post.

My personal experience is that people will swear they will attend something then never show. I believe it's become socially acceptable to do this. I understand that some times things come up and people can't attend, but at least do the courtesy of calling and letting the person know you can't be there.

I have a medical condition that some times forces me to cancel plans at the last minute. My friends know about the problem. I always call the other person to let them know I can't make it.

Congratulations of finishing an advanced degree!

[Trippin2.0]

I fall in the first section of the C category.... Idk what to say.


Me personally, I try not to feel left out when coworkers socialize, because they treat me well at work, and because I know I'm being ridiculous. I'm really not the social outside of work type. Never have been, but I guess its just human to want to be included.

I just want to be included because everyone else in my "group" is.

I question my reasons for wanting to stay with this organization since most of it leaned so heavily on the fact that I thought I had such a great group of friends I'd be starting this new leg of my career with. I'm disappointed, disillusioned, and embarrassed. And I turned down another offer in favor of staying where I'm at so I guess...I'm also pissed.

Originally Posted by Ruari

Checking in.

So I'm curious (read: overthinking )...is the lack of response to this thread a) because folks are reading it and thinking, "Ugh...get a clue, Ruari. People don't like you, duh!" b) because the post is too long (I know, sorry ) or c) they don't know what to say/aren't interested in responding/other

Heh, sorry if I overdid it with the emojis; I'm entertaining myself. It's been rainy and cold here for days. Was invited to some Halloween things but I have chosen to stay in tonight and am just curled up in some cozy clothes with two very lazy cats drinking coffee and watching the rain. (Yes, I know there are people who like me. I'm just confused by the actions of some...I don't read people well. I wasn't joking when I said I'm socially awkward/retarded. Except that I must hide it well because when I've said that to others they don't believe me. )

I often overthink too, but the truth is we never really know what is going on with other people. In answer to your question above I would say quite often posts don't get many answers and it's probably c) people don't know what to say. That's what I tell myself when people don't answer mine.

Reading your first post above I would draw out that it sounds like you have a good working team and you're respected, I'd echo that many co-workers like to keep their social and work lives separate. It sucks when people let you down but unlike other outside work friendships you may be cautious about raising that issue with them because you've got to work with them every day (that's why so many of us don't like to mix social and work).

Congratulations on your degree, and try not to let this take the shine off - it's a great achievement.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I'd echo that many co-workers like to keep their social and work lives separate.

I hear what everyone is saying but why is that the case just with me and not everyone else? The culture at my job isn't that way. People attend each other's weddings, baby showers, birthdays, they go on vacation together, some are even roommates. It's just not the culture. I understand that it's that way in the majority of work settings as it was when I worked in retail and banking. This is the explanation I've fallen back on for quite some time, and it worked for a while. But it doesn't hold up when I can clearly see that, in my environment, it really is just me?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Congrats on your graduation first off! That's a huge accomplishment especially when you have MI to deal with. When it comes to work relationships, I've always felt like they were friendly to me, but couldn't care less outside of work because I wasn't married like them. I didn't have kids like they do. So our interests were just different.

However for them to tell you that they will be there and not show up is kinda crappy. I can't imagine how bad that made you feel. In my opinion, I'd stop trying after that and keep it to a at work only basis.

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Originally Posted by RxQueen875

Congrats on your graduation first off! That's a huge accomplishment especially when you have MI to deal with. When it comes to work relationships, I've always felt like they were friendly to me, but couldn't care less outside of work because I wasn't married like them. I didn't have kids like they do. So our interests were just different.

However for them to tell you that they will be there and not show up is kinda crappy. I can't imagine how bad that made you feel. In my opinion, I'd stop trying after that and keep it to a at work only basis.

Thanks!

Most of them are married, some aren't, but all are in relationships. I'm not. I don't really want to be right now. I think that's part of it.

I think that most of them had honest reasons, and I think they wanted to come. That said, it's irritating to keep putting myself out there to have people just kind of be like, "Meh." I think it's more a case of we get more set in our ways and more self-centered the older we get. But that's still not an excuse, and I'm not going to force anyone to be my friend or to consider me important. I may just have to settle for being respected and not need the friendships as much.

Two of my high school friends and I communicate pretty regularly via FB--we all live in different states now, and they live 9 and 12 hours away from me. We've talked for several years about going on a trip together in 2016 rather than going to our 20th reunion. Neither of them are planners, so I've come up with a handful of ideas which they've been enthusiastic about. But when I try to pin them down to set something in stone, they waffle (I am in a job where I need to arrange for time off in advance; I can't ask for weekends off, I have to trade). Finally I'm like hey, why don't we meet in the middle somewhere? I presented an awesome idea for a weekend we'd all love, relatively inexpensive. More waffling. So I'm just over it. For them it's a case of one has a family and a job where she can't travel except for two months in the summer, the other works three jobs, supports her mother, and is very much an introvert. I am pretty adventurous, have no one to support, and my income is about to double (not that I don't have bills and loans to pay in addition to a plan to save 20% of my income). So I am in a totally different position. I get it. But after presenting the best, most affordable option which is still shot down, meh.

Being a single woman in her late 30's excludes you from a lot, I think. But my situation is not going to change soon, haha. I have other friends. Not many, but I have them. And I like my own company too, so there's that. Anyway. Thanks for the feedback everyone.