[jd142]

I'm having a problem understanding exactly what I'm feeling. I think I had a 3 day long panic attack, but I'm not sure. Maybe this belongs in the emotions or anxiety forum.

My wife and I both have and are being treated for depression and anxiety attacks. I recently started taking a new medicine, vyvanse, and I think it may have contributed to whatever my 3 day event. I've condensed some of this, so if it sounds like I skipped something, I did.

When I started dating my wife Elise, she said that she was waiting until she was married to have sex. She said she broke up with her previous boyfriend, Barry, because they argued about it and he kept trying to pressure her into sex. She was my first girlfriend. Being with her was moreimportant that sex, that was ok with me. She was so traumatized by her experiences, that we were barely physical at all. We mostly just made out. What was especially difficult for her was that her best friend had the same name as her ex. Examples of the levels of anxiety she felt:

- When we were dating, she came over to my apartment to watch tv. She had to be out of my apartment by 9pm, or she got nervous. She was afraid people would think 2 24 year-olds were having sex.

- Once when her roommates were out and we were making out, I actually touched her breast. Then the paperboy thunked the paper on the porch and it freaked her out so much we had to stop and go for a walk.

- After we were engaged, she did actually touch my penis, but just touched with no ejaculation. A couple of days later, she was late and was so freaked out that she was pregnant(I know there almost no way that was physically possible). I had to actually go out at midnight to get a pregnancy test, which was, of course, negative.

Some time after we married, the guilt got to her and she confessed that she had had lots of sex with Barry. And, of course, her best friend Barry was actually her ex who she was still friends with.

A few months later more came out: they had unprotected sex and the possibility of pregnancy really freaked her out. They took a break, during which he dated and had unprotected sex. When they got back together, they continued having sex. They fought about pregnancy and std scares. There were other differences that they fount about too, but that was a part of it.

Before the latest confession, I started vyvanse to augment my wellbutrin.

A few weeks later, she confessed that in addition to having unprotected sex, she had been having unprotected **** sex with him. The first time, she was alone during winter finals, so she walked across campus through the bitter cold and wind to be with him for warmth. During the night Barry was pressing against her, so they woke up and had unprotected and spontaneous **** sex. And she continued to have unprotected sex, **** sex, and oral sex with him until they broke up.

Now I have a hard time not thinking about them. I'm have more obsessive thoughts than in the past and more panic/anxiety attacks. My heart beats harder, I have trouble breathing, and I can't stop thinking. They almost always occur at work, and that is where they are the strongest.

Recently I had what I think was a 3 day anxiety attack. My heart was pounding in my chest. Sometimes my chest felt like was holding my breath and not breathing. Sometimes I was breathing quickly. The scariest part was that at one point it felt like my heart was in a box. An actual box in my chest. I could feel corners and edges. I've never felt like that before. The same thoughts of my wife kept coming over and overall day.

Now I think about her college days a lot. I work at the same university, literally next door to her old dorm where she lived when they started dating. I walk through the student apartment area where Barry lived. I think the recent cold weather and the proximity have made my thoughts about her and Barry worse than usual. For 3 days, all I could think of was her walking across campus in the bitter cold, feeling lonely and getting colder and colder. Every time I thought of her walking in the cold, my heart beat faster and my breathing changed.

It also bothers me that she was able to be physical and spontaneous with Barry, but wasn't with me and still has a hard time with expressing herself.

Now I have minor attacks just thinking about her before we meant. Seeing a yearbook photo will trigger it.

Is there a word for feeling very sad and morose that you weren't there when your spouse was younger? I wish I could have been there when she was younger. I wish she could act like she did before we met.

She feels so guilty that talking isn't productive. She's tried to be more spontaneous and expressive, but it only lasts for a day, then we're right back where we were.

Is this jealousy? I have problems knowing what I feel, so I don't know, but it doesn't feel like it.

Was my three day spell a full panic attack? What went wrong with me?

[popuri88]

I don't blame you. I don't know if it formally configures lying, but she wasn't clear with you at the beginning and you ended up taking a huge step in your life with someone who you don't know/don't know if you can really trust. Is that so?

Not sure if I got that timeline right, but she didn't cheat, right? I don't know, but it seems to me that things moved a bit too fast from one relationship to another with a drastic change in her behaviour. Was she sexually abused or disrespected by her ex? Sometimes sex is an intrusive experience for women, even if it's consented and happens in a relationship.

I wouldn't call it jealousy, there can be an amount of jealousy, but it's not screaming. You seem to feel betrayed because her ex, apparently, got to know her in a way you - her husband - didn't, which sounds very reasonable. Why did she do that, hiding those things? You both seem very loaded.

[ChipperMonkey]

If someone lied to me like that, I'd probably feel anxious too.

[Trippin2.0]

Those are some pretty big lies to tell, so your anxiety is not unfounded or misplaced.

If it were me in your shoes, I would feel like I don't even know the person I married.

From nervously virginal and your ex is a butthole who pressured you for sex, and your bff has the same name as him so that makes you anxious around your bff to "guess what honey, I've had loads of sex, even awesome butt sex and my best friend doesn't just have the same name as my ex, HE IS MY EX. Surprize!!!!

Like W......T.......F......

Who is this person anyway??!!

Not only that but I would feel like such a fool. Here I am, the good guy, the patient one who was always so respectful and caring, even when she seemed irrational, like needing to leave at 9pm because God forbid the neighbors might think two adults are sexually active.... Only to find out she shamelessly braved the snow for sex. Not caring who saw her leave where at what time....

Ugh, such dishonesty is just disgusting.

Sorry, I'm not judging your wife, that's not my place, just calling it like I see it, if I had been put in your position.

Sounds like you two need marital counseling, I don't see you or anyone sleeping on this and magically getting over it.

You need to re-establish the foundation of your relationship because it was built on a pack of lies.

Its not jealousy, its distrust, and she needs to earn your trust in order for your anxiety to dissipate so that you both can have a happy and healthy marriage.


I'm curious as to why she spun you all that bullshyt in the first place.

[jd142]

You ended up taking a huge step in your life with someone who you don't know/don't know if you can really trust. Is that so?

Yes and no. I do trust her though. I guess at this point, the only thing I don't trust is this one narrow little area. And really, if it weren't for my spells, how often would it come up?

She didn't cheat, right?

No, she wasn't having sex with him after we started dating, or even months before hand. They had well and truly broken up. She was still friends with him and saw him, but no cheating. She did pretend that they were two different people though, which is how she thought of it as well. Better as friends then boyfriend/girlfriend.

Was she sexually abused or disrespected by her ex?

No, and I asked about that as well when we were dating. She just blamed their fights on sex, but that certainly wasn't all they fought about since they were political opposites. She thought of herself as a failure and blamed her anxieties about pregnancy for it.

You seem to feel betrayed because her ex, apparently, got to know her in a way you - her husband - didn't, which sounds very reasonable.

. I think there's a lot to that. It's not the sex, it's that there is a part of her that I missed. I got the same sort of twinges when her mother showed me yearbook photos.

[jd142]

I'm curious as to why she spun you all that bullshyt in the first place.

She really blamed herself for the break up because of her anxiety attacks. She thought she was a failure, worthless. So she pretended the whole thing never happened and could make him out to be the sole bad guy instead of them simply not being compatible in a long term relationship.

[popuri88]

When I first read this, I thought the same thing Trippin2.0's wrote, but then I didn't see her as a "bad" person (abusive, manipulative...). I think she's trying to put things in order in her life and run from what went wrong, but that's a shhtty way to do it. You can't run away from your past, that's childish of her.

She was/is being a real coward and maybe hasn't realized this is rebounding in her relationship. She made a fool out of you, even if she didn't mean to. This is a great anxiety-breeding circle. I'd put her up on the wall and ask her if she's going to grow a pair or what.

Idk, this sounds like something that would happen in the first 6 months of a relationship starting from 0, not between a married couple.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

First off, I can't believe your doc gave you vyvanse for depression WITH anxiety?! I take vyvanse for binge eating and it turns me into manic if I take it too often. It gives me terrible anxiety too. I often have to take Ativan when I'm "coming down". It just doesn't sound like a good med for your symptoms. And it definitely could of triggered your three day attack.

I think you and her should seek counseling together. For some reason she's not as sexual with you as she was with her ex and yes I would be jealous.

I also have BPD so I'm always jealous and mistrusting. My bf will bring up a time in college when he slept with so and so and I get a knot in my stomach.

It's a shame she won't open up to you. Communication is key in any relationship. Having the same sexual attraction to each other is very important too. Maybe this ex abused her in some way. Maybe she hates having sex!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[ChipperMonkey]

Are you taking vyvanse for ADHD or do you have a crack-*** doc like I used to have who would prescribe ADHD meds.....STIMULANTS.....for depression? Yeah, been down that road.....was shot sky high and the crashes were horrid!

The doc was later disciplined or stripped of his license or something like that. It must've been why he was working for a public agency in the first place.....enough bad behavior finally caught up with him.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by jd142

No, and I asked about that as well when we were dating. She just blamed their fights on sex, but that certainly wasn't all they fought about since they were political opposites. She thought of herself as a failure and blamed her anxieties about pregnancy for it.

You said in your first post that she said they fought because he was pressuring her to have sex. He may not have sexually assaulted her but did he coerce her? Because it sounds to be that this isn't like a him/you thing like, oh she was so sexually free with him but not with you. Her hesitance that you talk about when you were first together really makes me think there's some trauma associated with sexual activity for her.

Possible trigger:

Many women have a hard time admitting, even to themselves, that a partner has coerced them into sex or even raped them. We think of rapists as bad people, and if they loved the partner it can be hard to reconcile those really different images. Coerced sex is not consentual. "They woke up and had spontaneous ---- sex" I really question if this was not that she woke up and he was already having sex with her. People do things they don't really want to do because they love someone, not just sex but all kinds of things. There could very well be some cognitive dissonance surrounding all the sex they had for her.

We don't live in a society that really teaches about consent. In fact, there's a lot of disagreement about what consent is, when it needs to be given, who can give it to whom, etc. She may want to seek some counseling, if a counselor presses her on it in ways that you can't then she might find that she feels differently about it than she wants to admit.