Boyfriend and his mother. Kinda strange.

If it's one time I'd hope my bf doesn't look through my phone, it would be posting this. Some background on my bf: he grew up an only child and his parents divorced young and he grew up with mom. He is divorced with joint custody of two kids. From what I've heard, she treated his ex horribly with a love/hate relationship. She would take her shopping one day, call CPS on her the next. Well when I first started dating my bf she was very nice and would send him home stuff for me like food, a old purse she was getting rid of ect. Well now, she hates me. Also, she's always competing with me/us. We got new iPhones, a wk later she got one. I got in a car accident last winter and got a nice payout and a nicer car. She went out thee next day and leased a newer one. My bf also tells me that she's practically obsessed with me and his ex wife. Always asking questions and alway putting us down. I've even gotten some msgs on fb from his ex wife's mom warning me of her and their "sick relationship". Her words. I just blew her off since it was coming from his ex's side. Maybe I'll add that I've only seen her a handful of times because I refuse to be around her. She is a rather bitter and unpleasant person to be around. That's putting it very nicely. Everything i say gets shot down or I get told I'm wrong. She actually triggered a bipolar manic episode once so my bf understands that I just can't be around her.

The more I see of this or hear about it, the more I question our future and it scares me because we really are happy. But is this bound to split us up? Will it ever get better?

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

I don't think you should brush off the ex's mom's warning. That is, if there was no evidence to back it up, that would be one thing. However, there *is* mounting evidence to back up her opinion, so don't brush it off just because of who its coming from. I think that would be a mistake.

Think of it this way. Your BF was his mother's world from the time of her divorce until....well, now. No one ever cut the apron strings, unfortunately. I think you should question just how much of an influence she had on your bf's break up with his ex. He's going to tell you one story and may hide how much influence his mommy has on him. (Grown men tend to not admit to being momma's boys.)

If things don't change, could you deal with this woman who loves you one day and then gets you into legal trouble the next? (Whatever the equivalent of calling CPS would be...I'm assuming you don't have kids of your own, sorry if I'm wrong.)

I'd be tempted to contact the ex's mom....however, I don't think you need more info from her. I think you can see the mounting evidence for yourself.

I know ultimatums aren't good, but your BF needs to cut the apron strings. He needs to stand up for you and tell his mother that bad behavior toward you will not be tolerated! Yes, his mom is family, but after age 18 priorities shift. No longer do we have the same loyalties to our parents. Our partner and children need to come first in the grand scheme of things, over our parents.

Did the mom destroy his last relationship? She definitely didn't help things! You could be a perfect angel and do nothing wrong but you'll always be the enemy. I know I couldn't live like that.

Shyte. If someone causes episodes for me.....they're *gone*.

That's another thing. I have to make him stick up for me! Last time he stuck up for me is when she decided she hated me and caused a big scene. I asked him what her problem was and he says "that's what I get for standing up to her!" Like it was my fault. He knows damn well how I feel about his lack of "sticking up for me". We've had many issues there. And yep I've called him a mamas boy. I've said to him during fights "If this is my future in marrying you then forget about it". Sad thing is I'm starting to sway towards those feelings.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Geez....you have to make him stick up for you?!? Maybe its a bit old school of me....but I think a man has a duty to defend his partner! Then again, I'm female and I'd defend my man and wouldn't let someone else walk all over him, either.

I think you should talk to him about it. If he's not open to communication, then I think you have your answer right there. And maybe the ex's mom wasn't trying to sabotage your relationship.....maybe she actually had a bit of sympathy in her heart when she reached out to you? I know its automatic to go into defense mode when an ex (or the ex's family/friends) badmouth your current partner, but sometimes people do actually want to warn the next in line so that they don't meet the same fate.

You can't make your bf do anything for you but you can talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and provide him with an ultimatum.
I've dealt with a confusing, difficult MIL in the past and I know that there is no forcing the situation into your favor without causing a rift between you and your bf and his family.
There is nothing to be gained on his exes side, so perhaps you should take heed with the warning.
Think about it. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Chippermonkey is right. Your man should be sticking up for you more. Something is definitely strange. I don't think you need to trash your marriage though.

If it were me, I'd take both him and his mother to an experienced counselor and participate in family therapy. Clearly his mother has some sort of deep issue that needs to be addressed. It could be that she feels abandoned by her son (is she divorced by chance?) and lonely. She sees you as the enemy, stealing her man so to speak and will continue to do so until you two can learn to share him in a healthy way.

Also, mommy dearest needs some therapy of her own so she can go get a real man instead of leeching off yours.

Again, there's no need to give up, but it seems there is a need to seek some professional help. Your husband needs someone to glue his balls back on and therapists are pretty good at that (especially male therapists.)

Hope that helps!

Couples counseling could helpful, especially if his mother will not come to family counseling.

It wouldn't be unfair of you to ask him to cut that cord. When a new family is made the parents must step off. My MIL lived her whole marriage in the same situation with her MIL, it's really awful. Honestly, I don't believe this can be solved without involving some... harshness.

I, personally, wouldn't want to go to family therapy with her unless I considered her my family or she lived with me. It's up to your husband to set boundaries, so you should tell him what's happening and ask him if he want to see a counselor to help him deal with it... and help his mother finding one too.

Ohoh. This is huge. In any relationship the partner should come first. This is a very big sign. You need to put your foot down with your boyfriend. Not only that you come first but your expectations of his mother's involvement in your lives.

My first husband was so attached to his mother that he went over once a week for family dinner without me. Throughout our entire 8 year relationship she came first and stuff like this continued. It made for a great deal of difficulty. My cooking wasn't like his mom's. If mom said this or that (ie. it was disgusting I breast fed) then that was the way it ought to be and we fought if I refused to change. She was to a great deal the reason we broke up - he became obsessed with what mom said about me and it grew to be quite emotionally aabusive.

I am truly sorry, but you need to find a way to nip this in the bud. If you can't encourage the change now it will just continue.

Since your bf already knows and acknowledges her odd behaviors, you're well ahead of the game, compared to if she had him snowed, which would be a much trickier situation, and probably grounds for just giving up... However, I wouldn't personally advise for getting in between your bf and his mom in any way, beyond just reasonable boundary-setting and whatever he's genuinely ready for .. can of worms. Just my opinion, among a reasonable array of different opinions.

As it is, she sounds like a very sad woman, with very little of her own inspiration in life that she spends her time and money trying to impress others with how much better she is by virtue of newer cars, newer phones etc .. I mean really, these are the priorities of a teenager. My own experience with deeply competitive people of a certain age is that it is covering up insecurities they would be loathe to unearth even in a therapeutic space, and that they will defend to the death their right to continue wearing that mask of protective steel. Perhaps hers could one day pry loose more easily; I pray for you this is the case.

However, in terms of working with or around her .. "features" .. is it possible you could draw her attention to the error of her ways in real time, such as, instead of offering an opinion on something that is sure to be shot down just by virtue of it being an opinion of yours, say something directly to her along the lines of "well I'm sure there's nothing I could add that you'd find valuable", in an only very slightly snarky way so that she gets the meaning but would still be forced to ask you for your opinion, on the very basis that she would indeed find it valuable? I mean, the only other possible response would be to agree or to agree through silence, and that would be impolite in just about any scene I can think of.

Just an idea I'm offering up; it may not work for your situation or for the particularities of her personality. Give or take.

You wrote, "Sad thing is I'm starting to sway towards those feelings." Those feelings being knowledge that this relationship isn't healthy for you & ought not to continue. Why sad? You're already learning a lot about relationships through this one--I bet you have from others and will continue to learn--until you meet the right partner for you. That's not "sad"; that's the way of wisdom!

You also wrote, "I've said to him during fights 'If this is my future in marrying you then forget about it.'" Trying to reach someone during a fight is like trying to communicate with someone on drugs, in my experience.

How about saying to him when you're not fighting, when both of you are in a "get-along" mood, "You know, times like this are great. But during fights, especially about your mother, I know that if that is my future in marrying you--then forget about it."

The wisest thing any of your responders have said one way or another, I think, is that that man has to give his partner priority, and if he does then to sever the short leash between him and mom won't be impossible for him.

He needs to takes both these steps before couples therapy might help, in my experience. Of course, both of you would need to be open to that. Are you in therapy now?

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