Cruel, how the past...

can still come back and slap you in the face.

Somehow, hubby and I got to talking about my mother. He reminded me of a time that he went to her house to talk to her. She had said something that had really hurt me and I stopped calling her every morning as was "our" habit.

He told me that she had asked him if I "was hitting the bottle"!! I've never been a drinker! It just goes to show me, yet again, that my mother never expected anything good out of me. In her estimation, I was the worst daughter/person that ever lived.

Just wonder if I redeemed myself in her eyes even just a tiny bit with the care I gave her when she had her strokes... rather than put her in a convalecent hospital. I'll never know...

I'm trying not to let it ruin my day, but... I don't know if I'll succeed.

((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
my mother never expected anything good out of me. In her estimation, I was the worst daughter/person that ever lived.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Same with mine, same with mine.

Be good to yourself.

How? I'm at a loss...

{{{{{{{{{{{Christina}}}}}}}}}}}}

Same with the sperm and egg doners that produced me.

((((((((((((((((( Tomi ))))))))))))))))))

More years of therapy than I care to count, INCLUDING during my time here. (I don't tell everything, I tell hardly anything................why should I, it usually comes back to bite me in the butt ) And the nightmares haunt me still.

"My mother never expected anything good out of me. In her estimation, I was the worst daughter/person that ever lived".

Can we ALL be that vile "worst person in the world"?
Or could it be them? With their distorted minds.

(((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))

I had a boyfriend who "decided" if I wasn't with him then I was "obviously" with someone else that evening! It use to infuriate me because there was no way to "convince" him of anything else but. . . now I know he was illogical; it wasn't about me at all in any way, shape or form.

Your mother asking if you were hitting the bottle SeptemberMorn is like the old phrase that makes me laugh when someone says something dumb, "Did you walk to school or carry your lunch?" Are you hitting the bottle makes no sense if you've never been a drinker. It doesn't say anything about you that she asked the question; yes, it hurts like the blazes that your mother/my stepmother, etc. didn't understand us and we all obviously had wires crossed in the communications department but don't take your mother's opinions any further than they should go -- you aren't a drinker and you know that. That's "you" not her single, random, where-did-THAT-come-from???? question.

Fuzzy, it MUST be them! It was the way they were raised, the input they received as they grew up. My mother was prepared to be the grandmother's slave for life when it was found that she had a physical malformation; one leg was shorter than the other.

Perna, the grandmother rode my mom's butt about every little thing she did, yet my mom was the one that taught her how to read and write, taught her manners, made sure she always had more than she needed and waited on her hand and foot!

What I can't understand is HOW, WHY was it ME that stopped the crap from rolling downhill? How come I knew better than to put my kids down, abuse them physically and/or sexually? How did I know I could trust them and expect the best out of them? Surely, my mom could have done that with ME!?

Ok, my mom never abused me sexually but I remember the beatings I got with my own leather belt simply because I had asked if I could go out with a friend! Every girlfriend I had was a ***** and every guy friend only wanted one thing from me and according to my mom, I was more than willing to oblige!

When my daughter was 16, she kiddingly told my mom that she wanted "that car," a car that had a For Sale sign on it. My mom told her that if she had the money, she'd surely buy it for her. I turned around and asked my mom how come she would never buy me a car. Her answer was "Because you'd go to Fort Bliss and fill it up with GIs and have a gang bang." She said this in front of my husband and kids!!!

So if this ***** (me) had raised my daughter, wouldn't it stand to reason that my daughter would be a *****, too??? How does one deal with a dichotomy like that one? Where does it begin to make sense? It doesn't to me!

Most parents deny that their kids could ever do anything wrong. Not MY mother! She was always so quick to assume the worst from me! Heck! It was a foregone conclusion!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
There is a theory that most daughters either end up doing things exactly like their mothers did or they do just the opposite. Lucky for your kids, you chose to do the opposite and love them uncondtionally. You gave them a chance to grow up knowing what love is all about.

I grew up similarly to the way you did....none of my sisters or me could do anything right in my mother's eyes. She was a very narcissitic woman. Thankfully, we all grew up having learned lessons from that, and all decided to take the opposite path. She was, however, a very doting grandmother who thought that none of her grandchildren could do no wrong. I'm not sure who she ever gave credit to that those grandchildren turned out so well.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. I hope that you can take comfort in the fact that no matter how badly she treated you, you managed to break that pattern within your own family.

So sorry that your husband had to pick at this scab.

((((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks, Wantsto. He does open his mouth without thinking sometimes. But then, some people would expect me to be over it by now.

(((tomi))) hon I don't think we can ever get over it. I am sorry old wounds are opened up again. It just amazes me that those of us that have been abused by our mothers can't seem to "get over it". your mom and mine could have been sisters I think. you are in my thoughts.

i worked for an old bag as a cook in her home. she used to complain about everything and i hated her so much. then after a year or torment i was told she had alzeihmers (sp) and that can cause ppl to say mean things. maybe your mothers have some brain problem. maybe they are so unhappy they take it out on everyone around them. but geesh, that gang bang accusation is well out of order. what a horrible thing ot say. best stay away from her. some ppl are just so toxic that you CAN'T have a relationship with them no matter how much you want it.
take care.

There's no choice for me whether to stay away from her or not. She passed 22 yrs ago. Even so, there are days that I'd almost sell my soul to have her back with me. Today wasn't one of those days, though.

Be, the bond between mother and daughter is beyond description. Just like I'll never get over my mom's emotional rejection of me, I won't get over my daughter's TOTAL rejection, either. I don't understand it one whit!

I've been reminding myself all day what a neat person I think I am! LOL

(((((((((Tomi)))))))))))

I think you are pretty neat myself

It is very, very hard for me to endure the occasional special family events that I force myself to go to and have to be in the same room with my mom..........when I look at my own daughter I can't imagine doing or saying the things to her that my mom has to me.

((((((((Christina)))))))))))))

Without making excuses for your mothers behaviour towards you.

I think we are luck we live in a society where women can have a voice....and we are not dictatored to by men or suffer the burden of their frustration, like previous generation.

Because of the female generation before us we now have more option in how we choose to live our lives.

No mother should treat her children that way....however it seems to have made you aware of not how to treat your own children and you have choosen the right path.

Try not to dwell on it to much I'm sure she is very proud of you, perhaps this is evidence in the way she treats her grandchildren.

Just a thought.
God Bless
SpringStar

tomi, although we all try to explain why our parents/ abuser did the things they did we can not. What we all must remember is this....it isnt our fault! your mom never expected anything good to come out of you.. but you know what you proved her wrong... you have a beautiful family! you have beauitul grandkids that think you hung the moon!
I know it hurts to think that she always expected the worst from you, believe me i know how bad it hurts.
I believe in you and always will!

love ya~!

{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you! Goes both ways!

Makes you wonder where our mother's head was at when they said such hurtful things to us, doesn't it? No doubt they thought they were doing the right thing.

Well... I proved to myself that I wasn't bad like she thought I was. Still, the pain is there that my own mother thought so little of who I was/am. Maybe I redeemed myself some when I took care of her when she couldn't do it for herself anymore. Now that she's in spirit, she can see where she was wrong about me.

Sweety, I know you believe in me and I love you so much for it! It goes both ways, ya know!

tomi I hope for you that she realized her mistakes.

((((((((((((((tomi)))))))))))))))))

It's a rotten feeling when the people we look up to for love and guidance can't give us what they should. It's really devestating to our ego's and self worth. I'm sorry you are hurting like this.

Parents can say cruel things that cut us to the quick without realizing what they have done. And even when you call them on it as an adult, they sweep it under the rug like it wasn't their fault. (I dealt with that from my dear aunty a lot)

I guess the best thing you can do for you is to realize that no matter what you say or do, you cannot change someone else's perception of you unless they have their eyes open to the possibilities. You cannot make them open their eyes.

I realized with my aunt that I couldn't change her mind. So I tried my best to brush it off, and go on from there knowing in my heart that she was wrong.

I hope you can somehow work this out within yourself so you aren't feeling so badly about it.



Hugsssss
J

It's a lot better today. Life goes on, doesn't it? The sting of the slap goes away eventually... until the next time. I'd rather remember the good times, the occasional caresses and the times she'd tell the grandmother to shut up and leave us alone. Salve to my soul in some ways.