I Need a Little Direction

okay I have benn thinking of killing myself for some time now. And I have finally got up te nerve to tell my husband about it and he goes off stating that if I was to ever do such a thing like that angain he would leave.I have always felt so comfortable in the fact I could tell him all the things that were going on inside in my head but now I feel alone.And when they find out you have even thought such thing they want to question you? Why do you do this or want to think these things?ALL I CAN TELL THEM IS I DON'T KNOW!!
The last time I had tried to kill myself my husband keept telling me you have three beautiful children and wonderful family to live for.I know this they are the main reason that I am here .My children mean more to me than anything eles on this world and they are the main reason I keep struggling on.
As you can see I have gotten proggressively worse. I can not stand for my own husband to touch me sexually.I feel distugsted by the thought of it and want to cry every time he trys. He doesn't know about how I feel becuase I am so scared to tell him.I don't know how to tell him that I really don't want to be with him in that way any more.( or at least for awhile_)he drinks and I can smell the whisky on his breath and it makes me feel like he is just using me for some cheap thrill.
sorry this was so long

((((hugs for Carmen)))) You are not alone and you have tons to live for. Maybe you just frightened your husband and he reacted badly...hope you are feeling a little better tomorrow.

Carmen,
First I have to say there is a reason to live. I have told my husband also that I don't want to live but I won't kill myself. I don't think he fully understood what I was trying to say. Now I have told him that I don't want to live but I cannot kill myself because it would crush my mother and I have friends and family that it would hurt. Most importantly I have 4 neices and nephew and I do not want them to remember me as the aunt who killed herself. I want to someday tell them what I went thru and that I made it. My husband was shocked to hear that Iw as only living because of other people but it's the truth and one I remind myself of everytime I think of ending it. It's the only thing that keeps me here. You hang on to your children and remember what it would do to them. I would go thru anything not to hurt my mother, neices and nephew in that way.
Second, don't you for one second feel guilty or bad for not wanting to have sex with your husband after he has been drinking. I can totally understand how you feel. My husband wa a real jerk when he was drinking and now if he is out drinking he is not allowed in the bedroom. I am afraid of him for other reasons but having him touching me when he has been drinking makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It is a horrible feeling and one you shouldn't have to experience. I have had alot of experience with an alocoholic father, an ex who was an alcoholic and now my current husband who doesn't have a drinking problem but more a problem when he is drinking. If you need help or advice please send me a PM. I have been thru the whole from alot of different aspects.
There is no reason why you should have to deal with someone when they are drinking if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Heidu

thanks so much for your reply it made me feel better letting off a little steam. My husband does drink alot and I have told him that I didn't like it. My mother was a drunk and I became a heavy drinker too, but thankfully I quit. I know I won't kill myself, but I have severe obsessive thoughts about it. I had over came this about year ago but I guess I relasped. Oh well!! I am going to find a counsler to talk to. Maybe that will help. My therapist sure isn't much help. Thanks so much for the support!!

I am glad to hear you are seeking help. As I neared my break down my suicide obsession increased until I thought about it all the time. I would get images in my head of having done it, so bright and clear. So when I hear someone say they are having these thoughts I feel...I don't know I just feel. It is strange to think that one can think about killing themselves so much. What was odd was how much I didn't want to die even though I couldn't stop thinking about killing myself. It is such a strange juxtaposition.
Zen<font color=blue>

"Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers."--Tennyson

Carmen,
I strongly suggest finding somewhere where you feel you are getting support. From my experience with my father and ex husband I can relate that it is just hell. It's one thing to have to deal with problems but when the "problem" is not even in his normal state of mind it's next to impossible. He needs help but with amost addictions the person has to come to that conclusion themself. I would highly recommend going to an alanon meeting. It is a part of Alocoholics anonymos (AA) but it is for the family (and friends) of alcoholics. It helped me alot to understand some of the things he did and why and also some ofthe things I did to support him in his problem. It's a good way to get tips on what you can do in situations and also is great support. It can also give you help to get him sober if he so chooses. You can find them in your phone book, they are all over the country. If they don't list Alanon then just call AA and they can help you. I know it will help you.
Hang in there hon!!
Heidu