Taken advantage of

I'm sure we've all been through it. Out of kindness we extend a charitable act to someone in need. But, that act backfires. Suddenly this person latches on to you, thinking you are now their best friend. They call repeatedly expecting you to do everything with them - AND FOR THEM.

My issue is I just have a problem saying 'no' and now feel myself roped into and obliged to help.

I recently reached out to a woman in my support group that hadn't shown up for a while. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. It turns out she isn't so I had her over for coffee. Note, she hasn't returned the favour. Instead she has been calling every day pleading for help: she needs a drive, she needs help cleaning her house, and so on. The worst are the hints she expects financial help (which she doesn't. I'm not giving her money for smokes, booze, and dope).

I feel trapped. She knows I do not work or have commitments I can use and excuse.

I can't even begin to think how I can get out of this mess.

Don't answer the phone

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Just say no. Maybe refer her to a local church or something.

Tell her the truth. Its not in anyone's best interest to forage a relationship or friendship with people we meet in therapy groups. They can set us back or trigger us causing our own emotional health to regress. Ask her politely to not call again then block her number from calling. If she won't accept what your saying have the group counsellor speak to her privately. She will get the message. It's hard to say no, I get that, I may sound like a cold hearted *****, but I'm not. Your mental and emotional health comes first. She has a dependancy problem in more ways than one maybe and she is not your problem.

The first rule in my dbt class was friendship outside of class was strongly discouraged. When it ended one woman tried to get phone numbers and not one person gave theirs out.

Take care of yourself. You're a nice person but you have permission to not be nice all the time.

I've said it before....you MAY be stuck with your relatives (and sometimes that doesn't hold true) but you can DAMN well CHOOSE your friends. Don't answer ,if you can't tell her, she WILL get the hint!. Big hug and hang in there!

thanks everyone! I promise to try.

This woman sounds like a Taker. Get far, far away.

Also, possibly an addict (drugs, alcohol, food, whatever). Addicts are masters of manipulation, and very good at getting others to feel sorry for them.

My husband was developed a friendship with a man from church who was like this. My husband felt sorry for him. The man was going through long term unemployment, his wife was leaving him, and he couldn't support his family anymore. I suspect my husband was giving him money. This man had all the earmarks of an Addict. I am not sure but suspect it was a prescription drug addiction of some sort.

My guess is that after you let go of her, she will just go out and find an Enabler, someone else to help her out. So I would not worry about her at all.

Instead of "no" how about try something that sounds less negative or blunt, something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I can't." You don't have to explain why you can't.

Quote:

>>and now feel myself roped into and obliged to help.<<

Some people are bottomless pits of need. No matter how much you help, they need more. They don't always realize that they are like that, but it is very draining to those around them. The only people you are obligated to take care of are your children if you have them, we don't even have to take care of ourselves if we choose not to!

Since you don't work, the financial thing is pretty cut and dry: "Sorry, I'm on a fixed income, I don't work, I can barely keep myself afloat!" It can always come from an apologetic place if that makes you feel better. "I really wish I could drive you, but I can't."

This is why I don't socialize outside of any type of support group. It sounds selfish but I have my own issues to deal with. There is nothing wrong with looking after your own needs. In another thread you stated you ran out of money for the month and have to survive off your credit card. Are you going to put yourself into more debt for this inconsiderate lady?

I once loaned a member $60 for "groceries". That good deed taught me to be very hesitant about others and their motives.

I know it can be difficult but, remember, it's OK to say no, and you are not obligated to give a reason.
Give yourself permission to say no when she asks you to do something you really do not want to do. Then feel good that you were kind, you showed concern when others may not have, and you also showed strength by not letting her manipulate you.

rcat, NO, two letters, one word. Learn to say it as politely as possible. Let her know you have others that really need help and you are not going to be used. And politely make an excuse and get off the phone. If she keeps calling then block her phone number, then get ahold of the group leader and let them know she is making a pest of herself. If you have to go to another women's group. Learn to say NO....tc

A guy i once worked with me taught me, "No good deed goes unpunished." That might seem cynical at first blush, but think about why you called her to begin with? You would want someone to call after you if you went missing; you wanted to do a kindness to someone. Those are good motives, but they are kind of motivated by your own loneliness? So maybe think of a way to address that loneliness (or whatever) directly rather than involving a surrogate. Directly rather than transference or projection? and if you have a cell phone, way easy to block the number.

Stand up for yourself. Either start asking for things you need from her, or, just avoid the people, places, and things associated with her.

I assure you anything you say, she has already heard from someone else.

rcat, I am sorry - and I don't have a solution but I offer the following which is a post I left on another board (my church board) to at least let you know you aren't alone. It's long, but I hope recognition makes you smile.

yage-- hilarious!
"I love people. Hate being around them though. I alternate between deep compassion and, depending upon how much time I'm forced to spend in public, utter contempt"
posted on your church board :-)

There are good people who just don't want to get that close, and for understandable reasons. Your post put it well and so funny.

that was a great story the guy with the gun. you are very generous with your time and compassion to have helped this person. stay the same and don't let the bad people discourage you.

Thanks everyone! And thanks to the PMs. Your words have all been very good for me.

As update, I was able to say 'no' to her latest expected act - and that of another. I normally would have reluctantly complied, even if it put me out.

Thanks for the encouragement.