[Secretum]

I am a 24 year old bisexual woman, and I have a dilemma. I am more interested in women than men, but I cannot seem to attract a girlfriend. On dating sites, almost all the females I contact don't get back to me. Contrast that with 50-60% of men...and I get virtually no messages from women, but so many messages from men that I often make myself "invisible" to straight people so that the messages from men will stop.

I copied and pasted my ok cupid profile here. Can you guys read it and tell me why it is off-putting to women? Do I come off as too ambitious? Queer women tend to not be very interested in me in real life, too...not even as friends. It breaks my heart!


My self-summaryedit essay
Take one- half cup eccentricity, five tablespoons creativity, 12 fluid ounces discerning intelligence, a quarter pound indecisiveness, and a pinch of unpredictability. Stir in a bowl until completely mixed. Add in a stick of butter and an egg; mix some more. Pour into a 13 x 9 pan and bake at 98.6 degrees for 23 years. Congratulations. You have made a Sara.
What I’m doing with my lifeedit essay
At 23, it appears that the road ahead forks into three paths. The three potential careers I could pursue are:

1). Psychiatry (med school)
2). Clinical Psychology (grad school for a PhD)
3). Novel Writing (no more formal schooling, but success is uncertain and will take time)

So, I have yet to determine exactly what I want to do with my life career-wise, but I know that I want to make a difference in people's lives on both a macro and a micro level. I want a career that will be exciting and mentally stimulating.

Regardless of whether or not it becomes my main source of income, I would love to become a published author. I write fiction, mostly lesbian romances and stories with a dystopian theme. I have two novels under construction. I am also currently working on a literary nonfiction piece, on what it is like to have bipolar disorder, though it is very slow going. I am interviewing patients and helping them to share their stories.

I would love to travel more, both within the US and internationally. I've been to Budapest on a missions trip a few years back, and I studied abroad in Rome. I want to explore the rest of Europe. South America also intrigues me. I am studying Italian on my own, as I hope to return to Italy one day.
I’m really good atedit essay
-philosophizing
-problem solving
-procrastinating!
-listening to others
-daydreaming
-planning adventures
-creative writing
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and foodedit essay
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The six things I could never do withoutedit essay
1). My family and friends
2). Hope
3). Chai tea
4). Psychology and neuroscience
5). That wonderful time between turning the lights out and falling asleep, when my mind is free to explore whatever it likes
6). Red velvet cupcakes
I spend a lot of time thinking aboutedit essay
What is reality? Is it subjective or objective, absolute or relative? What makes dreams less real than waking life?

Is consciousness a trait only of the human nervous system? Are animals conscious? What about inanimate objects? Maybe the entire universe is mind?

Why do some people succeed while others fail?

How do little factors build on themselves to enact large change?
On a typical Friday night I amedit essay
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
You should message me ifedit essay
You should message me if you are looking for a friend or a girlfriend, and you are intrigued by anything I said here.

I'm very non-judgmental and accepting. I am happy to get to know all kinds of people. If you message me, however, and want a reply, please say more than just "hi". Ask me some questions! Start a conversation!

[divine1966]

I know you'll meet the right person one day! You sound like a thoughtful and kind girl. Since you asked opinions here is mine. It is strictly my
Opinion and might be totally off or not helpful.

You mentioned indecisiveness as a trait and also provided a list of things you might do. It does come across as indecisive and unclear. Which is understandable at your age but still might not attract people.

You want to leave such discussions ( of what you might do) to the first date and maybe briefly mention what is that you do? Are you a student? Do you work?

Describing your hobby/interests you might want to leave details out. I paint and I said so in my profile when I dated online but I wouldn't go into details what kind of paint or if it is slow going like your novel. Leave it to when you two meet. just say you like creative writing and write novels

When you say you like to travel mention that you d been to some places but like to go more. I think it's too many details. You could maybe list places you want to go in one sentence

Also maybe it's just me I did like your baking analogy ( and honestly I did see those profiles on sites before, people just change ingredients ) but I never replied to cutesy or humorous profiles. I just wanted straight forward description and then we can be humorous when we meet. I also never wanted to read long detailed profiles. Honestly sometimes less is more.

I don't know if you have a picture there but post regular selfie of something not glamorous fancy looking but the one that makes you look like you.

Good luck!




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[TishaBuv]

I don't see anywhere on your profile that you say you are bisexual and more interested in women than men.

Personally, the recipe doesn't speak to me and maybe the fact that it is cooking makes people think you're hetero (sorry for the stereo type).

I agree that you could give less specific details.

Also, your intelligence might seem intimidating to a lot of people or maybe a bit boring.

I know it sounds shallow, but I'd dumb it down a little and sound a little more fun and flirty.

All the best,

[TishaBuv]

Also, it's good to make cultural references that people can respond to. Like saying you like a certain band or book. It's a good conversation starter.

When people meet you in person, they will get to know you for who you are. These dating profiles are just teasers to make contact.

Imho your profile screams heterosexual not bisexual or lesbian. I found it cheesy. I would cut it in half take out the baking reference and leave it basic. Also mention sexual orientation leaning towards a female etc... You give a lot of personal information that could be left for first date conversation. Example instead of listing in detail your travels say you love to travel. Idk. I met my fiance online I dont remember my profile being anything more than basics. I do remember our first conversation being long and interesting. This is just an opinion please remember that.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Secretum

I am a 24 year old bisexual woman, and I have a dilemma. I am more interested in women than men, but I cannot seem to attract a girlfriend. On dating sites, almost all the females I contact don't get back to me. Contrast that with 50-60% of men...and I get virtually no messages from women, but so many messages from men that I often make myself "invisible" to straight people so that the messages from men will stop.

Unfortunately, lesbians still have the idea that a bisexual woman will cheat on them with a man or leave them for a man. Or that we are "greedy" and have to have more than one partner and can't be satisfied just by one person. I ID as queer/pansexual and when I was on OKC I got so sick of the stigma against bisexuals that I listed myself as "lesbian." I have asked many friends and exes over the years why the thought of "bisexual" meant cheater, especially given that I have only ever been with two cis guys and one trans* guy and I am 35, I have dated way more women than guys. I had several friends who had been with dozens more guys than me (one that had been with hundreds more...) say that just that stupid label meant more than number of guys dated or slept with. I call BS. I referred to myself as a lesbian for years, partially because of the stigma and partially because it kept creepy guys away. It was only about a year and a half ago that I got really vocal about how my queerness is not shaped by who I am with, I am NOT polyamorous, and femme doesn't mean straight. Sorry, this touched a nerve. I swear I have encountered more misogyny from lesbians because of my being femme than I ever have from men.

That all being said, lying is probably not the best way to attract dates/mates and if someone is so insecure they'd reject you based on a label then you probably don't want to date them, but I did find it opened to door for people to give me a chance. I was always open about my orientation once I began talking to someone.

I copied and pasted my ok cupid profile here. Can you guys read it and tell me why it is off-putting to women? Do I come off as too ambitious? Queer women tend to not be very interested in me in real life, too...not even as friends. It breaks my heart!

My self-summaryedit essay
Take one- half cup eccentricity, five tablespoons creativity, 12 fluid ounces discerning intelligence, a quarter pound indecisiveness, and a pinch of unpredictability. Stir in a bowl until completely mixed. Add in a stick of butter and an egg; mix some more. Pour into a 13 x 9 pan and bake at 98.6 degrees for 23 years. Congratulations. You have made a Sara.

I think this is cute and creative. It would make me want to read the rest of the profile. The only thing that might be a red flag is indecisiveness. What are you indecisive about? Is there a way to phrase it that's more quirky that still gets the point across that you want to get across?

What I’m doing with my lifeedit essay

At 23, it appears that the road ahead forks into three paths. The three potential careers I could pursue are:

1). Psychiatry (med school)
2). Clinical Psychology (grad school for a PhD)
3). Novel Writing (no more formal schooling, but success is uncertain and will take time)

So, I have yet to determine exactly what I want to do with my life career-wise, but I know that I want to make a difference in people's lives on both a macro and a micro level. I want a career that will be exciting and mentally stimulating.

I've read that too many details turn people off, you have to give them just enough to make the message and want to know more. I'd try deleting all the parts in red, maybe say "If you're interested in hearing more send me a message!"

Regardless of whether or not it becomes my main source of income, I would love to become a published author. I write fiction, mostly lesbian romances and stories with a dystopian theme. I have two novels under construction. I am also currently working on a literary nonfiction piece, on what it is like to have bipolar disorder, though it is very slow going. I am interviewing patients and helping them to share their stories.

This might intimidate people who are not as intelligent or accomplished but would not turn off a potential good match, I think.

I would love to travel more, both within the US and internationally. I've been to Budapest on a missions trip a few years back, and I studied abroad in Rome. I want to explore the rest of Europe. South America also intrigues me. I am studying Italian on my own, as I hope to return to Italy one day.

Are you really involved in a religion or church? This one would concern me, but I live in the deep deep south and there's a lot of internalized homophobia here so may not be as big a deal wherever you are. Even as someone who IDs as not straight or gay I have to admit I would occasionally reject someone bi based on how they sounded like they were really looking for a man not a woman.

I’m really good atedit essay

-philosophizing
-problem solving
-procrastinating!
-listening to others
-daydreaming
-planning adventures
-creative writing
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and foodedit essay
Help your potential matches find common interests.
The six things I could never do withoutedit essay
1). My family and friends
2). Hope
3). Chai tea
4). Psychology and neuroscience
5). That wonderful time between turning the lights out and falling asleep, when my mind is free to explore whatever it likes
6). Red velvet cupcakes

I spend a lot of time thinking aboutedit essay
What is reality? Is it subjective or objective, absolute or relative? What makes dreams less real than waking life? Is consciousness a trait only of the human nervous system? Are animals conscious? What about inanimate objects? Maybe the entire universe is mind?

This again might intimidate people but as above, you want a good match not someone who can't keep up with you.

Why do some people succeed while others fail?

How do little factors build on themselves to enact large change?
On a typical Friday night I amedit essay
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
You should message me ifedit essay
You should message me if you are looking for a friend or a girlfriend, and you are intrigued by anything I said here.

I'm very non-judgmental and accepting. I am happy to get to know all kinds of people. If you message me, however, and want a reply, please say more than just "hi". Ask me some questions! Start a conversation!

Overall I like your profile. It seems like it conveys who you are really well, I don't know you but I get a sense of who you are based on this. Unless you had a deal breaker OKC question like "gays and lesbians shouldn't be allowed to adopt' (yep someone lgbtq answered that gays and lesbians shouldn't be allowed to adopt. Gotta love the south) I'd probably send you a message. I spent about 7 years on OKC although I never really used it. I got a few messages from people that were cool, one of whom is a very good friend now, but mostly no one I'd ever consider dating. Then one day when I was fed up with how there are literally no liberal lesbians in Mississippi that weren't already a friend, an ex, or drama-prone, I unchecked "I do not want to see or be seen by straight people." and met my now-boyfriend of over a year. I really really didn't see myself ending up with a guy, (I initially ghosted him but he didn't lose hope) but I took a chance and it has been totally worth it. That's all to say that only ONE person needs to like your OKC profile, and that's the right person. Hope this helps some, good luck!!!

[Secretum]

Alright, I took your suggestions. I cut out a lot of details, deleted the recipe, explicitly said that I am looking for women, added a paragraph on how, while I am spiritual, I definitely don't believe in an angry, homophobic God, and added a list of my favorite books, shows, movies, foods, coffees, and wines.

Hopefully this works!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Secretum

Alright, I took your suggestions. I cut out a lot of details, deleted the recipe, explicitly said that I am looking for women, added a paragraph on how, while I am spiritual, I definitely don't believe in an angry, homophobic God, and added a list of my favorite books, shows, movies, foods, coffees, and wines.

Hopefully this works!

Good luck! You can always keep changing it up too, see what gets better results.

[divine1966]

Good luck!!!!

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[Koko2]

In addition to excellent advice already given, I'll just note that women typically get swamped with messages on online dating sites, their mailbox often getting full with offers if they're attractive, while men are expected to initiate the messaging and many of them rarely receive initial offers.

[divine1966]

I am surprised to hear that. I did online dating a lot and every man told me they get messages from women. Women nowadays have no problem contacting men. I know I contacted men

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[Koko2]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am surprised to hear that. I did online dating a lot and every man told me they get messages from women. Women nowadays have no problem contacting men. I know I contacted men

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Okay, if you didn't notice, I put you on my ignore list a long time ago. You don't have to reply every one of my comments with a contrary comment especially since I only post here a few times a year now.

[scorpiosis37]

I'm a lesbian and I met my current girlfriend through an online dating site so I will offer my 2 cents (take them or leave them). It's great that there are a lot of things you want to do or might do but, for me, it would be a red flag that you are not listing the things you are doing NOW. You also don't state anything about having a plan in place to accomplish one (or any) of them. The issue is that anyone can say "I want to go to grad school"; it's another thing entirely to already BE in a grad school, pursuing a particular degree & career path. You said nothing about what your BA is in or what job you have now (if you have one). You come across as very "dreamy" but I don't get a sense for your ability to follow through on any of these dreams. As an academic, I don't find any of your goals intimidating; rather, I just kind of question how "real" they are since you haven't started to pursue any of them yet and sound a little more like a starry-eyed undergrad than a more mature grad student who has a plan in place. The way you talk about your thoughts also comes across as a bit naive; not really thought theough yet. Of course, you're still young & it's totally okay not to have things figured out yet! I just think that, when you're making a dating profile, it's better to say what you are doing NOW than to write a list of dreams that may or may not happen because it make you come across as a little naive and immature. I think you might be unwittingly turning off other intelligent, ambitious women because they are writing you off as a little cheesy or dreamy and not a realistic person.

With a little revision I think you might have a better chance. Good luck & I hope it works out for you!

[divine1966]

I am sorry but I don't know who you are, there are a lot of members here, you don't sound familiar plus I don't know how ignore lists work. I would think you wouldn't be able to see my posts or I wouldn't be able to see yours but we do see each other's? Not sure. Don't know about ignore lists. You seem upset. I am sorry I am upsetting you. I am just casually mentioning that women contact men. You might have different experiences. It's all good. Sending you best wishes. Hope your day goes well

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Your profile sounds like a business resume. Men love adventurous women and brilliant at the same time. Most women are put off by the intellectual part. They are more into the earthy feeling part. You mention a lot of travel. Men love to travel, women tend to nest and nurture. It sounds like a career woman potentially looking for husband material. Make it more down to earth my friend, from the heart and less from the head. That might help. Also gay women are not Queer. That is for the men mostly. Gay women are gay. period.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Your profile sounds like a business resume. Men love adventurous women and brilliant at the same time. Most women are put off by the intellectual part. They are more into the earthy feeling part. You mention a lot of travel. Men love to travel, women tend to nest and nurture. It sounds like a career woman potentially looking for husband material. Make it more down to earth my friend, from the heart and less from the head. That might help. Also gay women are not Queer. That is for the men mostly. Gay women are gay. period.

I strongly disagree. Everything you have just listed is a bad stereotype that intelligent women have been working to debunk for years! And, of course, women CAN be queer! Queer is an umbrella term that encompasses gender and/or sexual non-normativity.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Your profile sounds like a business resume. Men love adventurous women and brilliant at the same time. Most women are put off by the intellectual part. They are more into the earthy feeling part. You mention a lot of travel. Men love to travel, women tend to nest and nurture. It sounds like a career woman potentially looking for husband material. Make it more down to earth my friend, from the heart and less from the head. That might help. Also gay women are not Queer. That is for the men mostly. Gay women are gay. period.

Respectfully disagree with most of what you have said, there's a lot of gender stereotypes in there. I'm a queer woman (that's how I personally ID, not sure how you define "queer" that you think it's only for men...) and I love to travel. Adventure and intelligence are something I admire in most of my friends and (female) partners. What a boring life to simply nest and escew intellect!

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Your profile sounds like a business resume. Men love adventurous women and brilliant at the same time. Most women are put off by the intellectual part. They are more into the earthy feeling part. You mention a lot of travel. Men love to travel, women tend to nest and nurture. It sounds like a career woman potentially looking for husband material. Make it more down to earth my friend, from the heart and less from the head. That might help. Also gay women are not Queer. That is for the men mostly. Gay women are gay. period.

The sexist has been identified.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Your profile sounds like a business resume. Men love adventurous women and brilliant at the same time. Most women are put off by the intellectual part. They are more into the earthy feeling part. You mention a lot of travel. Men love to travel, women tend to nest and nurture. It sounds like a career woman potentially looking for husband material. Make it more down to earth my friend, from the heart and less from the head. That might help. Also gay women are not Queer. That is for the men mostly. Gay women are gay. period.

Ouch. Most women are put off by intellectual part? Women I associate with certainly are looking for intellectuals. And women I know all like to travel. Certainly there are simple taste people of any genders but not most and hopefully not the kind that op is looking for.

Many both men and women like to nurture along with pursuing intellectual interests

. I really didn't read this profile as a career woman. If in fact sounds as op doesn't have a career or a clear plan yet but mostly just shared her dreams.



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[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Koko2

In addition to excellent advice already given, I'll just note that women typically get swamped with messages on online dating sites, their mailbox often getting full with offers if they're attractive, while men are expected to initiate the messaging and many of them rarely receive initial offers.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am surprised to hear that. I did online dating a lot and every man told me they get messages from women. Women nowadays have no problem contacting men. I know I contacted men

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Results after 4 months
As you can see, the results after 4 months echo those from a week into the experiment.

• The women as a group received over 20 times more messages than the men.

• The two most attractive women received 83% of all messages.

• The two most attractive women probably would have received several thousand more if their inboxes hadn’t have reached maximum capacity.

• It took 2 months, 13 days for the most popular woman’s inbox to fill up. At the current rate it would take the most popular man 2.3 years to fill up his.

Cupid on Trial: An OKCupid Online Dating Experiment

[ChipperMonkey]

As a woman myself, can I say that I did indeed find your profile to be a little bit too intellectual? I think you should go for more relatable.

I have a profile on a friend making site of sorts. I can't even tell you how many guys have written to me and told me that I have the best written profile they've seen on that site. Part of it was that I didn't go with "resume style" writing. I didn't even say anything along the lines of "I am"......it was ALL just a lot of random stuff about my life that normally would have never been brought up in conversation.....And to be honest, some of the things on that profile are things that nobody else in my life really knows about.

Try less "selling" of yourself and try more BEING yourself. Find a style that is easy to relate to. I'm not saying that you're a woman so you should sound stupid (not in the least)....its just that you don't have to go out there and prove to everyone that you're smart....it will naturally come through in everything else that you say.

[divine1966]

I thought of it some more o think you might want to remove part where you say you are looking for a "friend ". That could mean you are not looking for a relationship or looking for casual etc which could be ok but ladies who want a relationship might not reply. I didn't reply to men who looked for a date or a friend, only the ones who were looking for a girlfriend/relationship.

Btw my daughter is bisexual with no gender preference and her girlfriends were intellectually and personality wise kind of same as boyfriends (more girlfriends though and one was live in for 4 years). I think when you are looking for certain qualities they will manifest themselves in either gender. I am just going by hers and her friends experiences. I don't pretend to know as I am heterosexual

Overall men and women although do have many differences are very much alike. People are people.

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[TishaBuv]

Loved this post! When my sister started dating after a 30 year marriage, I got her to try match.com and wrote in her profile that she had season tickets to her town's football games. She got 150 emails that day! lol

[PumpkinPieHead]

Some responders above gave great suggestions, so i wont repeat. Can you post the reworked version. I thought the first one was lovely, i would holler at ya, but i wanna see the improved version too!

[venusss]

I would not be put of by the intellectual part but rather the cutesy part (which sounds kinda generic).

Also the bit about three careers and your thoughts.... it sounds more like you are looking for advice rather than for a partner.

Also not having found the path yet is kinda off putting, because if you don't know what to study and what to do, how can you be sure to stick with the partner you find?

Men probably don't mind as much, they are looking for "now" relationships, but I think women generally want something with a future.