[sanebrain9]

Thank you so much in advance to everyone offering advice. I need help on whether or not I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse/passive aggressive behavior, or if I am being crazy. There has not been any derogatory name-calling, hiding of my keys, hitting, etc. and I am unsure.
I have been in this relationship for 5 years, and I am in my late twenties. The first 4 years were great overall – we were very much in love. My boyfriend has always been controlling but I used to always tell people it was “because he loved me.” He was always concerned with my diet, exercise, and hobbies, but in general I felt loved and supported. I guess I have always felt I needed to walk on eggshells a little to feel like I was who he wanted me to be, but I was also very young when we started dating and have a people-pleasing personality.

I started serving/bartending after relocating for him about a year and half ago. This really upset him (I was looking for another professional job but could not find one and then decided I was content bartending for a while). He was angry that I worked in a restaurant and our fights escalated, lasting about 8 months. I felt like I was going crazy. He yelled at me constantly. He put me down all of the time, telling me I couldn’t act like an adult or take responsibility in life. Everything was my fault. The fights were not in his control, only mine (if I got a new job, none of this would have happened). I received the silent treatment every few days. He got drunk and yelled at me a handful of times, sighing heavily when I cried and getting annoyed. Little things became huge things – for example, when I came home from a painting class and laughed at how I had to throw away my painting because it was so terrible, he was furious and told me I could not take responsibility for myself and in life. There was a lot of crying on my part, and him going to bed and sleeping like a baby afterwards. We fought like this almost every night. He threatened to leave many times. A few months into the fight, I told him I could not take it anymore and needed him to stop. He agreed, and then didn’t. He held the “ultimatum” over my head and asked how I would feel if he gave me an ultimatum (he’s given me two as of now) – this became the source of everything and our discontentment according to him. He told me if I ever brought up “feelings” he would just walk away, because “he didn’t deal with feelings.” I felt nervous constantly, like I was walking on eggshells and had to be very careful not to set him off. I felt I could not leave the house except to work in case he wanted to fight (he would get upset sometimes if I did and was outraged I thought it was a good time to leave the house when we had issues). I understand why someone would need to be with someone who was ambitious, but I felt he should have left me if I would not change something that important to him rather than act this way.

I got a new job and the fighting stopped. I told him I needed to talk about some of the things that happened that really hurt me and he refused, saying he was too exhausted by the fight and said never to bring it up again. He doesn’t remember this, like many other things. I tried anyway months later, and our conversations have been circular – he cannot do anything unless I forgive him, he doesn’t think he was in the wrong, etc. Of course, I had/have different views. He is still a little controlling, like always, and gets annoyed if I am out with a girlfriend for longer than I should be.

I left the relationship one week ago and it was the hardest thing I have had to do in my short, inexperienced life. We had a conversation the following day at his request and it felt like all of our other fights – circular, and like I was the real problem in the relationship – although he cried, said we could fix things, said he wanted to be with me, and that we have been through a lot and could get through this. The other day, when I came to pick up my things from our house, he was waiting for me. He cried and insisted that everything would be different and he hasn’t been fair to me. I stayed. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I feel in my gut that something is wrong, but if that fight is over and he says he’ll be different, am I just holding onto the past for no reason?

[Trippin2.0]

Listen to your gut, unlike your bf, it doesn't lie. That feeling you're experiencing that something is wrong, its trying to get you to safety, shop ignoring it.


Yes you were being abused, and typically, taking them back, granting them a second chance, leads to an escalation of abuse.


So basically I am saying, RUN, or brace yourself.

[CaptainChaos79]

This is called CODEPENDENCY. He is the sicker one it seems although, you too could use some help in the self esteem department and the I-don't-need-to-be-in-a-relationship-to-be-okay department as well, however the fact that you see that there is clearly a problem and that you are bothered by it is a HUGE step in the right direction. What this man is doing to you is what some people would refer to as Emotional Blackmail. He holds your emotions hostage,,,his feelings are the only ones that really matter and to hell be damned with yours and if you try to make him alter his behavior or accept any blame or guilt for your hurt then he will take his proverbial ball and go the hell back to where ever he came from...that is emotional blackmail and he has gotten away with it because you have allowed him to up to this point. The GOOD NEWS is that you have the absolute RIGHT to redraw your boundary lines at any time you choose and if he doesn't like it he can take that ball and go the hell home as they say. And it will hurt for awhile but you will do what everyone does and move on. If you are smart you will find a Codependency support group so you don't make the same mistakes over and over in relationships in the future...I recommend Al-Anon (for family and friends of alcoholics and we all know and alcoholic so anyone can go to al-anon). Best place in the world to learn how to deal with people who want to treat us like you are being treated...

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by sanebrain9

Thank you so much in advance to everyone offering advice. I need help on whether or not I have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse/passive aggressive behavior, or if I am being crazy. There has not been any derogatory name-calling, hiding of my keys, hitting, etc. and I am unsure...

Everything you're describing is emotional abuse, IMO. Being very controlling isn't out of love. You may have a new job, but eventually there will be something else that threatens him and the behavior will be the same.

[ChipperMonkey]

Get out now while you can before you end up married with two kids and can't leave because you're financially dependent on him.

You deserve better.

[MiddayNap]

You were right to leave him. A man with a controlling personality is not a suitable mate, as they will cause nothing but emotional distress. I would suggest you not return to the relationship, but it would appear you've already done that.
Judging by your post, this man is manipulative, domineering, and rude. I think you are well aware that, even if your relationship is fine as of now, his old behavior will resurface and perhaps worsen.

[CaptainChaos79]

Oh and by the way, how a person makes you feel says oh so much more about them than it does about you...think about that for a little while...

[sanebrain9]

I think you guys save people's lives/unhappiness. Thank you. I guess the last thing I can say that I didn't mention is that this fight ended 6 months ago and everything has been relatively okay since it ended except for some smaller control issues (like the being out with friends too long thing) and dismissal of my feelings (which is a big deal, of course). I have felt unsure because I wonder if that really could have been a one-time thing and I am just holding onto the past. He insists that it is unfair to assume it would happen again in other situations in the future and says we will never run into the same issue about jobs again. He also seems to really, really love me and seems so sincere in his promise to change. Please tell me I sound like a crazy person making excuses!!

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by sanebrain9

I think you guys save people's lives/unhappiness. Thank you. I guess the last thing I can say that I didn't mention is that this fight ended 6 months ago and everything has been relatively okay since it ended except for some smaller control issues (like the being out with friends too long thing) and dismissal of my feelings (which is a big deal, of course). I have felt unsure because I wonder if that really could have been a one-time thing and I am just holding onto the past. He insists that it is unfair to assume it would happen again in other situations in the future and says we will never run into the same issue about jobs again. He also seems to really, really love me and seems so sincere in his promise to change. Please tell me I sound like a crazy person making excuses!!

Do you really know and believe that dismissal of your feelings is a big deal? Because it is. You say it almost as an aside, and he sounds like someone that would imply to you that they're not a big deal. Love and control aren't mutually exclusive. He can love you while still being controlling and in denial that he has a problem. You mentioned a lot lot lot of other things in your original post that were problematic. It is also important to remember that it is NOT unfair to assume that his future behavior will be similar to his past behavior. Unless he is working to change something, you have no reason't to believe it won't be different. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

I'm going to share from your original post the things that are most concerning (all of it is concerning). Bottom line is though, you are not crazy, but you also don't have to make excuses for him. Read about "gaslighting" if you've never heard of it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | What is Gaslighting?

My boyfriend has always been controlling but I used to always tell people it was “because he loved me.” He was always concerned with my diet, exercise, and hobbies, ... I guess I have always felt I needed to walk on eggshells a little to feel like I was who he wanted me to be, ... He was angry that I worked in a restaurant and our fights escalated, lasting about 8 months. I felt like I was going crazy. He yelled at me constantly. He put me down all of the time, ... Everything was my fault. The fights were not in his control, only mine ... He got drunk and yelled at me a handful of times, sighing heavily when I cried and getting annoyed. Little things became huge things ... laughed at how I had to throw away my painting because it was so terrible, he was furious ... We fought like this almost every night. He threatened to leave many times. ... I felt I could not leave the house except to work in case he wanted to fight (he would get upset sometimes if I did and was outraged ... I told him I needed to talk about some of the things that happened that really hurt me and he refused, ... He doesn’t remember this, like many other things. ... he doesn’t think he was in the wrong,

And the absolute, 100% most disrepectful, huge red flag that I would absolutely not tolerate:

He told me if I ever brought up “feelings” he would just walk away, because “he didn’t deal with feelings.”

Ask yourself what would you say to a close friend if she described her relationship this way.

[MissFiona]

Sounds like you are accepting the limitations to what you can do according to his rules just to keep the peace. Diminishing aspects of yourself to suit his requirements. It's all about his feelings and you're being conditioned, programmed and controlled. If you step out of line again he will bring out his remote control and start using fast forward, rewind, freeze frame, pause, or all of them at the same time, where he can go back in time and mention any of your past behaviours but not his, where he can fast forward and threaten to leave, where he can click freeze this frame and leave you in a state of suspended animation for as long as he pleases.

[Bill3]

I wonder what will happen if you get another job bartending.

[MissFiona]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder what will happen if you get another job bartending.

Start getting drunk again and acting like one of the OP's 'customers' because in his mind the OP is only there to serve him, so he starts giving her a taste of bitter bad medicine to teach her a lesson?

[divine1966]

He maybe loves you but it doesn't name him a good partner. He still sucks pardon my language

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TMac1010]

Don't feel alone. Relationships are difficult. I'm not going to tell you to leave him. Perhaps you need to learn to set boundaries and perhaps he will learn to accept them. Perhaps he was new to feelings and perhaps the past will stay in the past. It's not all doom and gloom. But see a therapist. Get some professional guidance, don't isolate and don't settle. That is all. Hugs to you