[lakerking]

I've been married for 17 years with 2 children. Very happy in marriage, no infidelity issues, love my wife, things are good.

About 7 years ago, I was working with this very attractive woman. Ever since I've been married, I really have not even looked at other women, especially at work. There have been some walking the street where I would be like she's good looking but nothing more than that.

Well this woman took a liking to me. I mean romantically. I was very flattered but was not going to take the next step and cheat on my wife. But throughout my whole time working with her, I was OBSESSED with her! I couldn't get her out of my head. I mean it sounds crazy but that's how it was. It was like a fairy tale where the witch puts a spell on the guy to fall for the woman. I would have thoughts of leaving my wife and marrying this woman. Or thinking of some scheme of having her around as my lover. NUTS i know!

So what do I do, yes tell my wife. She was very cool about it. She trusted me not to go the extra step and have an affair and she did a pretty good explanation of what I was feeling. And I tended to agree. Basically I'd been married 10 years at that time, not really looking at other women, and then someone suddenly took an interest in me, and it rekindled some of those single man energies dormant for 17 years. They were say put on hold for 17 years and it was only natural for me to feel flattered.

I bought that. I think that was correct and dead on. But I still was OBSESSED with this woman! She got the idea I wasn't going to have an affair but I think she was lonely and still liked I was giving much attention to her. This went on for another nearly year until we stopped working together. It took me months to get her out of my head.

OK present day. I was at a conference last week. And guess who I see like 5 years later. Yes, that same woman. We exchanged pleasantries and such but nothing more than that. She told me she still was not married and working in the area.

So what happens, REMISSION! It was like the spell was put back on. I really am not sure why she told me she was still single. I had a brief obsession again with her after the conference ended. I looked her up on facebook, thought about those same feelings again about being with her etc....

It s been like a week now but i can't get her out of my head or those same thoughts. I don't want to tell my wife this time as I think she'll think i'm crazy. Why is this woman still in my head! I'm still thinking these thoughts!

So please, am I just going crazy? Are these feelings some kind of longing that I'm missing in my marriage? I love my wife, love my kids, love my family life. It couldn't be any better. I consider myself a very lucky man. So I am very CONFUSED why I am still obsessed after all these many years by this woman!

[NewCommer]

Well, you're not crazy, but your situation is quite difficult. I hate seeing threads with a lot of time, a lot of views and no answer, but i can't actually give you a reasonable advice since i'm almost a kid

One thing i may say, DON'T look for her, zero facebook, and threat her as you wold threat ANYONE (don't ignore her, but also don't look for her).

And, since your situation is quite hard, i think is good to seek for help in this kinds of sites, but some profesional help wouldn't hurt anyone. That's what i can tell you.

[Bill3]

I really am not sure why she told me she was still single.

Um, because she is interested in you?

I don't want to tell my wife this time as I think she'll think i'm crazy. Why is this woman still in my head! I'm still thinking these thoughts!

You have not been obsessing over her for five years. You ran into her and that contact rekindled the infatuation. I see that as completely understandable. You wife understood last time, is there any reason to think that she won't understand this time?

Keeping it from your wife keeps the whole thing underground and creates a separation between you and her. Now you have something to hide.

My suggestion is to give serious consideration to telling your wife.

I agree with Bill3.

It's normal to be flattered by attention and I'm sure that she will understand.

Maybe if you talk to her you will be able to put things into perspective and not see it as an obsession.
It's not like you are a stalker or anything. It's pretty innocent...

[ChipperMonkey]

It's "green grass syndrome".

Seriously.

You're fantasizing about how great things would be with her. The grass seems greener on the other side of the fence.

Truth? It's not.

You've been obsessing for so long that professional help is probably due. I don't think that posting on a forum is going to do much in the long run.

[ShineYourLight]

so simple to solve my friend....You need to start showing more unconditional love for yourself. Who doesnt get these kind of thoughts should be the question. Accept these thoughts and embrace them. Then determine whether or not their worth going after. Scary huh? well life is a scary playground.

Originally Posted by lakerking

Are these feelings some kind of longing that I'm missing in my marriage?

I feel like I'm risking myself into uncharted territory here, but to answer that question I'm gonna say... maybe?

Ask yourself, what do you like so much about this other woman?

Maybe after 17 years of marriage, things need to be "tuned up" a bit between you and your wife? You know, spice up things a bit? Put the thrill back into it?

This isn't about the woman, it's about you. She expressed interest by making clear her relationship status and you may be seeking validation or affirmation. When you see her,you get that.

Please do keep your wife informed because it's wrong if you feel you have to hide it and you don't want to be creating distance in your marriage at the same time that you're imagining being with another woman.

[x_BabyG_x]

You know, I have to just hand it to you for manning up and coming out to your wife about this other woman, even though nothing happened and she was just passing thoughts. Well done for that, your wife is very lucky to have you be so loyal and open to her.

I think the only issue here is that you havent tried to recently cut ties with this other women. Yes we think about others, fancy others and can be attracted to other people when in relationships (particularly when settled with someone for so long!). However, all your desires are point towards an imaginary fantasy relationship with her. You barely know her, say, if you were ever together, how would you know if you was right together? if you had the same outlook on life, clicked together, if the lust you feel for her would actually ever turn to love? You don't!

i think the righteous step to take for your marriage would be to take a step back and control yourself towards her (even though you probably dont want to because the fantasy is too good! even ive been there LOL), pull some self-restraint out of your back pocket (i.e - stop facebook stalking!), because at the end of the day only you are the one who can put a stop to it.

If you do believe that maybe you are missing some longing in your marriage, that can be fixable. Find the fantasy in your own life. You will probably find that it is much better in reality, that it ever was in your head!!

[healingme4me]

I agree, tell your wife. Say, hun, um, remember her? She was at the meeting and brought up her single status and that it's unsettling you because you worked so hard to address the issue before.

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[Rose76]

you do know exactly why she told you she is still single. She intended that to have an effect on you, and it did exactly that. If she was a wonderful gal to be with, don't you think some other guy would be with her? What do you think she's been doing for the last five years? This lady gets a kick out of turning men on. Don't be a sucker.

Men are hard-wired to like variety. This lady likes to play with that. Giving that up is the price you pay for having a happy home. Stop looking on facebook for info on her. She's not worth it.