Relationship doubt or something else?

I met a really good man in the middle of last year. Before that, I had pushed people away and kept to myself. My longest "relationship" was a month. However, I really enjoyed this man's company romantically and we started a relationship and he became my best friend and the only person I could really be myself around.

He asked me to move in. I told him that I would trial it. During that time I would sometimes spend nights away and things seemed to go okay. He talked about marriage and kids and growing old together.

Then the doubts came. I didn't want kids. I didn't want marriage. I wanted to travel and work and buy my own apartment and not leave employment to raise a family. I told him this and he told me to think about it, but that he wanted kids and couldn't stay in the relationship if it wasn't what I wanted. I agreed to think about it.

I agreed to move in with him officially about 5 weeks ago. I don't know if I felt pressured but I was scared he'd end things if I said no.

Now I am feeling anxious and crying all the time. I am not eating properly, always exhausted (he is more active then me and I try to keep up by going places with him, he doesn't like I when I go to sleep to early so I try to stay up), I've lost 5 kilograms and weigh as much as I did as a teenage. Worst of all there is a knot in my stomach and I don't feel love or any affection for my partner. This makes me feel guilty, especially when he talks about wanting to spend the future with me.

I don't know what's wrong. I've been diagnosed with depression in the past, I don't if it's that, if I'm terrified about the relationship, I don't know what to do. I've never been in a relationship before and don't know if this is normal.

He is a very supportive person, and I know the problem lies with me, not him. I just wish I knew what the problem is. What should I do? I'm 26 year old female.

Having similar goals is important. On one hand it is written that you didn't want to lose him. On the other hand he's looking to settle down and raise a family. It's written that you want your own place and to travel and work without sacrificing career.
Middle of '14 or '15, as far as meeting? If '15, it does seem soon, still. That could explain the overwhelming emotional reaction to this change. Why was he rushing for you to move in? Was it financial?

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Thanks for writing. Met in the middle of 2015, he asked me to move in because he wanted to take the relationship to that level. While he said that it would make paying rent easier, it was never a priority and he has been happy to pay my part of the rent if I can't.

You are depressed, and you have done a very good job of explaining why. You want to keep this man, but you don't want to work toward the same goals, as he is aiming for.

He was hoping that, once you moved in, you would change and come to want what he wants. Maybe you were hoping he would change. One of you is going to have to, or this needs to end. Nobody gets to have everything exactly as they want it. But you two are really far apart.

I don't think you are going to be happy living in the midst of a power struggle, which is what this could turn into. Did you relinquish your apartment? If so, you may very much miss having that place of refuge to retreat to. You may be a person who will always need her own place.

Based on the time line you laid out above, you have not known this man for even a full year. There's your problem right there. You got way, way too involved too soon. I would discourage any woman from marrying a man she has not known for at least a whole solid year. Even then, the first step is engagement, and then you wait awhile more. Giving up your apartment and moving in with him has amounted to as drastic a change, nearly, as if you had married him.

This talk about who wants kids and who doesn't is a smokescreen. Your real concern is that you don't really know if you even want to be with this man longterm. You're starting to realize that he is a bit controlling and has plans to mold you into what he wants. It's not normal for a man to want some girl he has only known for 6, or 7, or 8 months to move in with him. You're starting to realize that and it is scaring you. You made a move prematurely and now you regret it. That actually reflects intelligence on your part. You lack experience with people in general and with men in particular. He may have realized that. It may even be part of why he chose you. This man may not be quite such a good man as you have imagined. When one person becomes the "only person" you can be yourself around, that's not such a healthy thing. How old is this guy?

If you have loving family backup, then talk to them and say you need to come stay with them for awhile. If not, then start shopping for a little place of your own, even if it is just a furnished room. You need to get out of where you are at. You do not feel safe there. This is not how love feels, even when two people have different ideas about having kids. This guy, very quickly, got you to give up your independence and put yourself very under his control. He met so much of your emotional need, and then subtly threatened to drop you, if you didn't move in with him. That's not so nice. I very strongly suggest you get some counseling right away. I think there is a lot about this man that you don't quite understand.

You do not need anyone's permission to pack your stuff and leave. You don't need for him to be okay with you leaving. You don't need to establish that the two if you have incompatible goals. If you don't like being there - and, clearly, you don't - that is all the reason you need. Stop trying to come up with a narrative that you think makes sense. Staying where you don't want to be makes no sense. You owe him nothing.

How is your self-esteem?

Really?

These are not indications of a supportive person. A supportive person would make allowances if you are slower and would not dictate when you sleep.

Thanks for your response.

My self esteem is not great, I know that. I also know that I have always been a loner, or, when I talked to people, would be putting on an act. I've always pushed people away, always been a bit of an over thinker, and before meeting this guy I had a very mundane life (watching tv in bedroom at parents' house, not getting on with parents, not leaving the house much). With this guy I am as comfortable as I am when I am on my own, and get along much better with parents.

He is supportive. Last night he let me sleep early, if I have a problem we talk about it, he cooks and cleans if I'm feeling down, he'll surprise me with flowers and gave me my own room that I can go to if I needed some alone time (and he wouldn't bother me). He gets along with my parents, he knows how I'm feeling and has offered to pay for me to see a psychologist. He is only a couple of years older than me.

Uhm I think the problem is that your internal system is working just peachy but you want to ignore it.

Just because a guy looks great on paper doesn't mean he's great for YOU!

Your body is reacting violently because it is telling you that this is not what you want. Did you suddenly decide that you want marriage and kids and the whole shebang? No, I didn't think so. People don't go from wanting a free spirited unattached life to being tethered down overnight.

Honestly, I hate the concept of the "perfect guy". IMHO it was invented by the woman who wants a VERY typical/antiquated life including the dream wedding, 2.5 kids, and the marriage to prince charming himself. And then, if we come across this guy who looks spotless on paper but somehow it just doesn't feel right, we feel like there is something wrong with ourselves. "I MUST be crazy to give up such a great catch!" Yeah, and the self-blame just continues to spiral from there.

The truth is that this guy may be a great guy, but if your fundamental wants in life are this different, its time to walk away. If he doesn't get kids/marriage, he will grow resentful. If you give in and give him kids/marriage, you will be the one growing resentful. In the end, life partners should have similar wants and goals when it comes to the major things. Otherwise it just isn't meant to be.

Agreed. Sleep isn't a want. It is a NEED. People vary in their own personal needs for sleep. I have major anxiety issues which exhaust me. (Yeah, it is physical; I can give a biological explanation for it straight from my cardiologists mouth!) If someone was irritated with my need for rest, they'd be gone.

It almost sounds like he has adopted you. Maybe it will work out after all.

Can I ask what you mean by that?

Sure. He seems to have taken a fatherly like role in your life. Offering to pay for psych treatment is part of what suggested that to me . . . along with giving you a room of your own. I'm surprised someone as young as you describe him is that paternal.

He may be a great guy and the best thing that could have happened to you. I don't know, as I'm not there living with him. Maybe this will work out well for you. I truly hope so. Sounds like you are overdue for some happiness.

Okay, there are some really good folks who have posted here already, people who I have, in the short time that I've been here, come to respect. But I'm pretty much going to disagree with all of them. So take this with a grain of salt. I'm playing devil's advocate.

You are way out of your comfort zone here - this is a whole bunch of new stuff. A loner not alone any longer. Your first real relationship. Someone you enjoy. A best friend and you found the only person you could be yourself around. Who's world wouldn't be spinning?

I remember when I met my wife...up till then, it never occurred to me that I could be with someone and not feel run down. Not just a romantic interest - anyone. I would need to lock myself away somewhere private and recharge after any human interaction. And then suddenly, someone I could be myself with and actually feel better than before our interaction.

Anyway, one comment about the time factor. It's been said that this is too much, too soon. I told my wife I was going to marry her four hours after we met - and I only waited that long because I didn't want to scare her off. That was thirty years ago, maybe not normal - but either is the fact that we are still happily married.

Where others find faults in this, I find so many things that went right. First you said you would give it a trial and have spent nights away. Next, you told him that you didn't want the same things and he explained that it was important enough to him to be a deal breaker, but asked you to think about it. Sounds like very good communication to me. Sounds like you both value the relationship but want different things. He was honest. Before making some immediate decision, you've decided to think about it.

Okay, I can understand your fear of losing this relationship with your best friend and romantic partner, but if you weren't ready, then you made a mistake. Happened to me once - I made a mistake too.

I'm curious, and perhaps you don't know the answer to this, but...why? Can you identify the source of the anxiety and tears? I know it may look obvious, but I can speculate about a couple possibilities that aren't obvious. May I ask: why did you want travel and work and...? These are legitimate things to want and there's nothing wrong with choosing that path - but I have also known people who wanted those things for all the wrong reasons.

Boy, the things my mother would have done in life if not for us no good children and her pathetic excuse for a husband. A lifetime of listening to that and settling down and having a family wasn't in my plans either. My plans changed of course, but in the unlikely event that you have similar reasons, I thought I'd mention it.

Well this is, of course, no good. If he's pressuring you to stay up when you don't want to (or pressuring you to do anything else) then even I can't play devil's advocate any more. But if he's saying, "Aw honey, you're not going to go to sleep already, are you? I thought we were going to watch that movie tonight?" and you just go along with it instead of saying, "No, not tonight, I need some sleep," well then, I might be more forgiving.

If you don't feel any love or affection for him any more - then you need to take a break, probably a permanent one. If you can't eat properly or get enough rest, then you need to make whatever changes are necessary to provide for your self care. There is no need to feel guilty because truly, if you don't take care of you - then you won't be there to take care of anyone.

No, what you are feeling is not normal in a relationship. I'm one of those folks who believe that the opposite of love is fear. Enough love can make fear disappear and enough fear can make love disappear. Either way, I think it's time to take a step back and take some time for you. Maybe you'll find that he's not for you. Maybe you'll find he's everything you want and it was fear telling you otherwise. But you need perspective - and for that you'll need to step back away from the situation. Get yourself back in balance and then make a decision.

If he is as supportive as you say, and I've no reason to think he is not, then he'll understand you needing to step back and catch your breath. If he's the right guy, you're not risking anything - I would have waited thirty years for my wife, she was the right one - still is.