The other night. No judgement please.

He was a little agressive but it was my fault. I could've made him stop.

Classic line....classic.

Yeah, well I've been down that line of thinking before.

But it's not true about there's no good men. Maybe they aren't perfect, but they know how to respect women.

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Did you ever explore how you were raised? What shaped the totally incorrect notion that there are no good men? Have you tried therapy?

And of course women have flaws, but this is beyond flaws.

Something shaped your low opinion of yourself and your low standards in men that you believe this kind of men are perfect for you or for anybody. You also have no knowledge or understanding of men. Why is that? Were there men on your family? Were they nice men?

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It's not your fault. You could maybe avoid things like inviting strangers home and getting drunk with them but not your fault that he violated you. It's again your low self esteem speaking

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I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you are getting real professional help.

With men and people in general you should believe what they do. Not what they say. Nothing in his actions indicate any respect for you or any kind of feelings. That's not what happening when men really like and respect women. Please understand there is nothing inspirational or admirable about neither this man nor this whole situation with other men you described

You deserve better

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I don't know if any of us can help you, it seems like the same things are being said by everyone and you are still resisting it.

But my two cents on this one...
There are no PERFECT guys. No one is perfect. That does not mean there are no good guys. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a guy is "bad" because he does bad things. We all do, it doesn't mean we're all rotten.
For a while I actually thought my boyfriend might have had control issues, I thought it might be a serious problem. What I realized is that you have to think about the motivation of someone's actions. I was upset that my boyfriend was trying to control my money. But we had agreed to live with shared finances as though we were married, and I had bad spending habits, and it got to the point where he felt he had to rehabilitate my money skills. He did it because we would have a stronger financial base for our future. There was nothing malicious about it, and it wasn't a control issue at all.

If you ask yourself what this guy's motivations are, what does your gut say? Does he do these things that confuse you because he cares about you? Or because he only cares about himself?
Obviously none of us know him like you do, although you probably don't know him that well. But it sure doesn't sound like he cares about you. If he did, and you made it clear what you do and don't want, he'd listen.

If you can not find a reasonable position that offers good evidence that his intentions are good, chances are they are not.
You CAN find a guy who has good intentions, and acts on them, and makes honest mistakes like the rest of us.

What this guy has been doing to you doesn't sound like "honest mistakes."

Maybe part of it is trauma bond. I did cry when he fingered me that night. Idk why. Maybe because it's been awhile since i was physical with someone new. It was weird. It was like we had sex.

My dad was kind of distant,had anger issues. My mom and dad fought a lot. She triggered a lot of it,though. I am not very close to my relatives. I am close to my best friend,and I had a cat who passed on not too long ago. I keep a distance from my relatives but some contact.
I've met a lot of people,women and men. I had a female friend who went through a phase of only dating guys who were in relationships. She ended up jaded and thinking all guys cheat because of it. I've also had a lot of guys who were in very loving relationships trying to get me. So,from my experience,yes,pretty much everyone cheats.

I admit,maybe it was slightly early to have him over,but i think it depends,too. We had met twice before and had talked a lot. He knows some of the same people i do and has an online presence. It's not like i only met him once and had him in. We've been friends on facebook for over two years and because of his online presence,it's easy to kind of "reference check" him.

Trauma bonding or however one wants to call it, it's just that a line was crossed whether you were passively choosing to let him get that far, whether you really didn't want to but were scared or intimidated or any other variety of reasons, it's not that it happened, what's done is done, is what brings you to return? To see if it's different?
At what point are you diminishing your personal integrity?

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He does the ignoring me thing to punish me. My gut knows that.

Because, i know he likes me and i don't like being punished this way. I don't like that the dynamics changed. I don't like how unfinished things were left. I want a chance to see how things play out and to get my personal power back. And,also,i can't help it,this side of me i have is part of me also wants answers. There's parts of him i still find confusing. I don't like that we talked all this time and then all of a sudden there's now a gap. It makes me me mad he can act like he cares about me on one hand then punishes me even though i tried to tell him how i feel. It shows me he is being spiteful.

Well, then why invite him back? You don't need him to punish you. He has no right to punish you.

You see what's fundamentally wrong with this relationship? If you already think he's punishing you, think further down the road. What if you started seriously dating him? Every time he did something wrong, you could tell yourself it was your fault, that he was punishing you. You let it happen, and it just gets worse and worse. He will start to hit you, you'll still be telling yourself you deserve it. You do not deserve that. No one deserves that.

It's a very slippery slope you're on, letting him define your worth, thinking that you deserve to be punished. No one has that right over you.

It seems to me like you want to be punished. If that's the case, why not do it by not letting him punish you? You have to decide for yourself when you're being bad, when you need to be put in your place. Do it to yourself. Consider it your punishment that you don't have someone to tell you what you are or convince you what you want. Punish yourself by denying yourself the possibility of the positive results you still seem to think could come from this.
Punish yourself by not giving in to your desire for punishment, or your desire for answers, or closure. A clean break will be your punishment.

Let me be clear here. I'm not suggesting you punish yourself by self-harm or anything like that. I'm saying, punish yourself by denying yourself the punishment you want. Turn it around. Realize that you want to be punished, therefore by getting away from this guy, you are punishing yourself by denying yourself this irrational desire.

Thank you, that was what I was trying to say and failed so spectacularly

I simply cannot see myself ever cheating on a woman, or being rough with her to the brink of sexual assault like that. The very idea horrifies me. Maybe I respect women too much, I don't know. Or maybe it is just naivety. But there are good men out here.

And your crying did not stop him. It says a lot.



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I disagree that i should punish myself. I'd rather try and work on loving myself more.

Don't think he seen.

Then don't see this guy again. Putting yourself in the way of a guy like that is not loving yourself.

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I agree on loving yourself more. That would lead you to finding better people to hang out with. Hanging out with people you describe is not going to ever make you feel good. You yourself said everyone you know is bad, selfish, cheater, self absorbed etc .

I think You need to have higher standards when if comes to people. It's not how people are. It's who you surround yourself with. I once thought there are no good men. Of course there are. I just wasn't attracting any. Get yourself better and you'll find better people. Both men and women

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I agree with this as well.

I understand you want answers and closure, to understand what happened but I'm sorry, that's just not going to happen. It's something you will have to get over and yes, that's hard.... But sticking with this guy is not going to make you feel any better.

It sounds to me like you really need some time without a relationship to figure yourself out, get some confidence in yourself and grow up a little. You don't need guys like this. Stop defending asshats like this guy and learn to defend yourself instead.

He contacted me today and said he is in love with me. We talked a little bit and he said when I didn't respond to him that last time after he left it made him feel like **** and it just made him go crazy and that I confused him.

What do you want to hear from us? That this is good?

Did he accuse you of confusing him?

He isn't confused. He probably hopes he can get some physical action again. Nobody gets confused or goes mad when person does not respond to one text. And nobody who is in love with a woman treats her like he did.

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No,he just said he was confused why i didn't want to see him again and it seemed implied by what he was saying,basically saying he didn't understand my responses to the texts,that it made no sense because he is always telling me how much he likes me and he doesn't know why it always has to seem like a struggle to get to see me. He felt rejected.