I let my husband come back home after making him leave twice before....but his outburst and anger happened again quickly. First it was his cat that he has owned for 9 years. This cat named Tiger was peeing in my front room. Before we decided to get rid of him or toss him out the door like my husband suggested, we cleaned up the urine very well and then we used some pet detirent spray. I prayed about it because I wanted my husband to have his cat that loves him so much. It worked and Tiger has been doing fine since
Well the first fight was my husband telling me that I am more forgiving to the cat then I ever was to him. He said it made him hate his cat and he wanted to kill the cat. It took me hours of apologizing for nothing again to calm him down. The next episode was plastic candy canes that I bought to go in a tin bucket in front of the house. He wanted to push them down in gravel that he filled the bucket with but I suggested using larger stones and floral foam to avoid scratching the canes or breaking off the bottoms "the are only cheap plastic" he went off on me saying I care more about cheap candy canes then I do about people and he wanted to break them all so he never had to see them again, that was the start of my day! I was also making a turkey dinner for us, it was supposed to be our Thanksgiving turkey but we ate at his moms instead so I saved it. I worked hard all day to make a wonderful meal to which he started saying how lazy my son was and that it made him sick to his stomach to see how much I let my son get away with. He refused to eat with me and the kids so the kids ate alone while I tried to do damage control and settle him down.
so while all of this is happening he has been late to work twice and missed two days of work in a two week period, this would be his paycheck before Christmas. He is the only one working and that is how he wanted it yet he was on the verge of getting fired. So the next episode was me making a Christmas elf from poster board to hang on the wall next to our fireplace. It turned out great! I was very proud of it. I took a picture the next day and sent it to my daughters grandmother. He went off again saying I care more about her than him because I sent it to her first. He was there when I made the elf. It was bad and he was telling me that he was beyond angry and that his whole day was **** because I did that. I was sweating at this point and had the chills so bad I wanted to vomit. I told him I had to go to the grocery store and get something for dinner so when he went down to the basement I took both kids and left. We spent the night at my daughters grandparents and now it is today and he left with his clothing and went to his parents who are insisting that he get help or the are putting him in the hospital.
I almost forgot that our first dinner out together after he came home was to the local pizza shop. I ask him what he wanted to share and he said he didn't care and for me to pick so I opened the menu and say a tuna sub or an Italian one I turned the menu to him and said what do you think about Italian? Well I thought everything was fine until we got home and he said I never listen to him and push him when he doesn't want to be pushed and he never wants to eat there again because I cant listen. I was so sick I went upstairs and lost my dinner. He also insist that we are intimate twice a day and I am exhausted from it all. he works 4am till 1 pm so he wants the house in bed by 8 pm...
What does this sound like to everyone???? is this bipolar? What is this behavior??? I am disgusted by it all.

[Trippin2.0]

Bipolar?

That sounds nothing like me, sounds extremely assholian though. That's for sure.


I'm sorry you let him back home and experienced this again. I hope he gets help and leaves you in peace very soon.


There's no excuse for abuse.

[CopperStar]

That's not bipolar. That's a personality disorder. Probably BPD. And it has taken on a malignant form, so that he is being emotionally abusive.

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

Well the first fight was my husband telling me that I am more forgiving to the cat then I ever was to him. He said it made him hate his cat and he wanted to kill the cat.

So insecure and entitled that he compares himself to a cat. Guilt trips you over his irrational issues. Takes on sociopathic traits (violence towards animals) in nature, and also implies threats of violence in order to intimate you. Abusive, abusive, abusive.

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

he went off on me saying I care more about cheap candy canes then I do about people and he wanted to break them all so he never had to see them again

Now not only he is jealous of cats, now he is jealous of candy canes. The absurdity grows so that he can try to make you feel even more guilty and afraid, again implying threats of violence and trying to make you feel like it's your fault. Abusive.

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

he started saying how lazy my son was and that it made him sick to his stomach to see how much I let my son get away with. He refused to eat with me and the kids so the kids ate alone while I tried to do damage control and settle him down.

So now it's cats, candy canes and your son. Apparently everything from leaves on the ground to lint in your pockets is really part of your evil conspiracies and you should feel bad. But oh look it works, he acts abusive and then he gets special attention from you.

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

He went off again saying I care more about her than him because I sent it to her first. He was there when I made the elf. It was bad and he was telling me that he was beyond angry and that his whole day was **** because I did that.

Cats, candy canes, your son and now your daughter. Tigers and lions and bears, oh my! More guilt tripping meant to make you feel terrible. Abusive.

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

Well I thought everything was fine until we got home and he said I never listen to him and push him when he doesn't want to be pushed and he never wants to eat there again because I cant listen.

Have I mentioned that this stuff abusive yet? Just checking. Here we see proof that it has taken on a truly malignant form. He deliberately set you up, set a trap for you, so that he could later try to make you feel like a terrible person and fabricate reasons to be mad at you.

TL; DR - He's an abuser and it will only get worse.

[avlady]

ABUSER!!!!!!!I like the word assholian too!!

Yes.....he is abusive, it is just confusing......what makes someone behave like that? not only is it negative towards others but has negative repercussions for him. What causes it? I feel like I just escaped from a captive situation. I am sitting in my living room and the sense of freedom is almost overwhelming to me. I can move about freely without worrying if I am doing something wrong, without bringing him coffee all night and cooking for him.....I am free and it feels nice, NO....it feels AMAZING!!!!! Thank you all for taking your time to read my post. I am talking to the universe and it is nice to know someone is listening

[lizardlady]

Ghaugh38, it's abuse, plain and simple. My T used to tell me it didn't make any difference why my hubby was abusive, the the behavior was just unacceptable. It took me a long time to figure out that I wanted to know the reason because then it could be "fixed." It took even longer for me to come around to thinking the same as my T. It's up to the abuser to change and "fix" whatever needs fixing.

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Ghaugh38, it's abuse, plain and simple. My T used to tell me it didn't make any difference why my hubby was abusive, the the behavior was just unacceptable. It took me a long time to figure out that I wanted to know the reason because then it could be "fixed." It took even longer for me to come around to thinking the same as my T. It's up to the abuser to change and "fix" whatever needs fixing.

Yes....I am always looking for how things can be fixed. I guess it is mind boggling to me that anyone would want to live that way?

Saw your new post (just before sending mine, lol).

Good for you!!!!!!!
Hint: don't bother trying to figure out why he is that way. It doesn't change anything. Enough time's been spent on him anyway. It is YOUR time!
And it's not just like escaping a captive situation, it is escaping a captive situation! If not physically, mentally.

Stay strong and never look back! So proud of you.

*********
(I've erased most of my original response, but if it is ok, would like to keep just a bit of it, if it may be of help at any future point for you or anyone in this situation.) Here are the major points:

There's nothing bipolar about that at ALL.

I've been on these forums for 6 years and have read thousands of posts. Honestly? I can't recall reading of such consistently infantile behavior.

He is an abuser, no ifs ands or buts about it. Surely this is not behavior you want modelled for your children. If for any reason you find it difficult to get rid of him for your own good, do it for their sakes.

Read CopperStar's post again. And again. It is spot on. If you ever feel waffle-y, read it again. As many times as is needed.

This sounds exactly like my father. My mother finally left him when she was 72, after nearly 50 years married. She felt the same as you. FREE.

DON'T WAIT THAT LONG

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Ghaugh38

Yes....I am always looking for how things can be fixed. I guess it is mind boggling to me that anyone would want to live that way?

PDs often attract each other, feeding into one another's dysfunctions. You sound like a codependent. Trying to play detective and therapist when you should be protecting yourself and having firm boundaries. People with PDs that have become malignant typically hone in on codependents with low self-esteem. It is important that you focus more on why you are behaving the way you do, because that is the only thing you can change.

A good read for you:

The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

[marmaduke]

My ex husband was abusive like this.
I realise now he was NPD.
Narcissistic personality disordered.
Utterly self absorbed. It was all about him. Always. All the time.
No empathy. An aresehole.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by CopperStar

PDs often attract each other, feeding into one another's dysfunctions. You sound like a codependent. Trying to play detective and therapist when you should be protecting yourself and having firm boundaries. People with PDs that have become malignant typically hone in on codependents with low self-esteem. It is important that you focus more on why you are behaving the way you do, because that is the only thing you can change.

A good read for you:

The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

Thank you for the article, it made a lot of sense to me. I was raised in a terrible abusive home with an alcoholic father and very codependent mother. I guess I am still living with the scars that I got back then and all of those demons.........

[marmaduke]

Wow l know that feeling of freedom.
Walking home at 5 panicking cos his dinner won't be exactly on time and boy will l pay for that crime!.
**** for brains he'd call me. Tell me I can't do the simplest thing without doing it all wrong.

Divorce. My own space, for the first time I'm not living with a vile tempered bully.
Bliss 😊😊😊

Glad you are free x

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Wow l know that feeling of freedom.
Walking home at 5 panicking cos his dinner won't be exactly on time and boy will l pay for that crime!.
**** for brains he'd call me. Tell me I can't do the simplest thing without doing it all wrong.

Divorce. My own space, for the first time I'm not living with a vile tempered bully.
Bliss ������

Glad you are free x

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Wow, your dinner comment hits home. I am always wrong no matter what I do. I can only pray he goes away and doesn't harass us or threaten us. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to not feel alone.

[divine1966]

I always thought my dad is the worst husband ever ( he is not that bad a dad but awful to my mother), but your husband makes my dad to look like a saint. Run and never look back. Omg poor you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TMac1010]

My hubby is much more cleaver than this... Very careful not to verbally abuse me anymore (after cas and counseling) but shows no empathy either... If I speak up for myself and point out how horrible he is being with the kids or ignorant toward me he turns it around and suddenly I'm just being "manic" or needy and it's all about me... Ok so u sit in silence so as to not rock the boat but for how long? Once I start taking sedatives for the "mania" agsin I'll be a zombie and he'll be happy again...

[TMac1010]

Abusers or narcissists? And how can we blame them if they are perhaps ill also and just are t ready to see it?

[marmaduke]

I spent a life time forgiving abusers, blaming myself. Suffering toxic shame and guilt.

No more.
It's not helpful to forgive abusers & make endless excuses.

Two brothers both abused. One goes on to have a family determined never to abuse his own children.
His brother however abuses his children in apaulling ways carrying on the abuse through another generation. Why?

Why the difference?
The difference between the brothers is genes.
One brother is 'normal' he has empathy. He feels for his kids, loves them.
The other brother has inherited the narcissistic traits/genes he has no empathy. His kids are mere objects for him to treat as he pleases.

How far do you take excuses? Do you forgive Hitler? Was it his fault, could he help himself?
We he all bad?
Even Hitler loved his dog.

Somethings cannot be forgiven.


Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I spent a life time forgiving abusers, blaming myself. Suffering toxic shame and guilt.

No more.
It's not helpful to forgive abusers & make endless excuses.

Two brothers both abused. One goes on to have a family determined never to abuse his own children.
His brother however abuses his children in apaulling ways carrying on the abuse through another generation. Why?

Why the difference?
The difference between the brothers is genes.
One brother is 'normal' he has empathy. He feels for his kids, loves them.
The other brother has inherited the narcissistic traits/genes he has no empathy. His kids are mere objects for him to treat as he pleases.

How far do you take excuses? Do you forgive Hitler? Was it his fault, could he help himself?
We he all bad?
Even Hitler loved his dog.

Somethings cannot be forgiven.


Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

I agree, now I am going through the stage of him calling everyday and at first he is nice but it is changing quickly. The main reason I have taken the calls is to keep the rage at bay until I figure everything out. Right now I am a sitting duck with no one around to help me. I at least know what he is doing and when he is home at his parents house.....I can sleep a little better at night. He is an hour away from me so that is good but I have no idea what is coming next.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Bipolar?

That sounds nothing like me, sounds extremely assholian though. That's for sure.


I'm sorry you let him back home and experienced this again. I hope he gets help and leaves you in peace very soon.


There's no excuse for abuse.

What's happening to Princess is absolutely horrific; I wrote to her on another one of her threads that I'm very afraid for her and think she needs to get herself, her kids and pets away from this guy.

It's chilling.

At the same time, Trippin', I gotta tell you.....your posts are always so straight-shooting, right-to-the-point and OFTEN hilarious to boot. "Assholian"? OMG - a classic is born. You rock.

Princess - get gone!