[borncatastrophe77]

I'm going through a separation from my partner of 19 yrs and 5 children together. I have BPD,anxiety, depression and co-dependency. He shows narcissistic traits.
Any how, several times over the past year he had felt very hurt and betrayed by me and felt I guess like he's tired of going through things with me so he brought the kids into conversations and told them every dirty horrible thing I've ever done. Every gory detail. Details about my dysfunctional sex life going back to when I lost my virginity as a 15 year old.
My kids are 18,16,13,11,9 years old.

My 13 and 16 year old now see me and their fathers relationship chaos as all my fault and they understand why things have been so difficult for their dad. They agree with him that I have been the problem the whole time and that they should b with him.
I'm so so so list right now. I've had a good relationship with my kids. Always the one to take care of them and the house. But now I feel like they would just rather I go away and I can't imagine life without them.
We have a court date on Feb 2nd to talk to the judge and get total custody to my partner.
I'm so scared of being pushed out of their lives for good. I'm not living at the house right now. While he was telling them all theses things about me I felt so much shame and embarrassment. I wish I would have kept in mind that every thing I do has an effect on my kids and family.maybe I would not have done those things if I would have known my kids would know about them one day.
I thought that they would be able to see my love for them and know that those things didn't have any thing to do with them. But they are on his side. Maybe I should just go away. ...I'm so broken right now.

[Trippin2.0]

Firstly, what lead to this whole fall out?


Secondly... I hope the judge is informed of how your partner is traumatizing the kids with such sensitive adult, private information.


Because THAT is the opposite of responsible parenting.

[borncatastrophe77]

What led to it. .........I guess in all honesty it started about a year ago. I started going to counseling and instead of working on me I would spend my whole therapy sessions talking about negative things about him. He felt very betrayed by this and a whole truck load of things began from this. Things got real bad between us and it never stopped

[borncatastrophe77]

He says that his reason for sharing such sensitive information with the kids is so they are informed about who I truly am. So they are not fooled into believing in some one they shouldn't.

[borncatastrophe77]

I think that If i let the judge know certain things it wouldn't turn out well for him. BUT that still Disney help my relationship with my kids. They are ashamed of me, embarrassed by me and my actions, and feel like they should be with their father. ......I feel like I've lost them already and I don't know if I should fight to be in their lives just for them to hate and resent me. .........I've totally fu#!÷= up my life.

[JustJenny]

You know, you can find dirt about any single person. What he did was not right and turning your children against you is just wrong. Do you have a lawyer you can talk to about this?

If you were always good to your children I don't believe they hate you now. What does your oldest child think?

[borncatastrophe77]

my oldest is in college and he's neutral I think. he's just glad to be gone and away from the dysfunction.

my second oldest told me that he agrees with his father about me causing drama and chaos for the family constantly.
I don't have a lawyer. and again, if I decide to fight against him on this I can tell things about him that would make a judge definitely think twice about giving him custody. I'm not really worried about that. my thoughts right now is that maybe I should just leave everyone alone. maybe I should give them a chance to have a life without the drama and chaos......

[borncatastrophe77]

i have been good to them. but keep in mind i do have some "issues" and MI.....so my issues as a person have gotten in the way of the family. especially issues from me and their dad's relationship.

[JustJenny]

Is their dad good to them? Do you think the kids would be happy if they stayed with him?

[borncatastrophe77]

I don't know. he says he's better when I'm not around. he has tended to not give them the attention they should get and just be tied up in his mental demons, (which always happen to be me) BUT he says that he so much better with that when I'm not around. I'm so lost and alone right now. I don't know how I got to the point that my own kids are ready for me to just go away....I'm a loser really!!!

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by borncatastrophe77

What led to it. .........I guess in all honesty it started about a year ago. I started going to counseling and instead of working on me I would spend my whole therapy sessions talking about negative things about him. He felt very betrayed by this and a whole truck load of things began from this. Things got real bad between us and it never stopped

It sounds like you were not happy in your relationship (since there were negative things about him). What were the main concerns for you in your relationship before the separation process started?

[borncatastrophe77]

well, we just had a bad history. lots of ups and downs. abuse, infidelity,.....just too much to name in a 19 year dysfunctional relationship. my concern right now is wanting a peaceful separation and co parenting. but I'm just not thinking that is going to happen....there's a lot of resentment and the kids are on his side.

[JustJenny]

I think you have to concentrate on getting yourself better. Right now you are obviously very stressed, very sad and you have a pretty low self esteem (you called yourself a loser). Your oldest kid is in college already. Will the other ones go to college too?

Make your recovery your priority. It doesn't sound like your kids will starve if they are left to live with their father. Use this time to patch yourself up. Show them that you are doing better.

I understand that after 19 years of a relationship it is extremely hard to start a new life from scratch, but you will have to do that regardless if your kids are with you or not.

Are you still seeing your therapist?

[borncatastrophe77]

No, I'll be starting with a new one soon though

[borncatastrophe77]

No. I'll be starting with a new therapist soon though.

[Bill3]

he says he's better when I'm not around.

So he blames you for his own bad behaviors. The judge needs to know that.

What about the abuse you mentioned? He was abusive to you? The judge needs to know that.

[divine1966]

Even if he gets the kids full time it doesn't mean you are out of their life. Unless there is documented abuse you'll have a visitation schedule so you'll be seeing them plus you can call etc Do get a lawyer

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[gayleggg]

There is nothing like separation/divorce to bring out the worst in people. Your husband was definitely wrong to tell the kids all that stuff.

I will tell you from my experience that your children will remember the love you gave them. It may take a little time but as long as you remain your love for them without stooping to his name calling level, they will forgive you.

Hold on tight and weather the storm.

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[healingme4me]

Not only get a lawyer, but where is the Guardian Ad Litem in this whole scenario. Truly in matters of custody, especially when any one parent is being cornered to give up rights, a third party attorney, the GAL needs to evaluate and hand in to the judge a recommendation. Their evaluation will involve contact with the children's school(s) and pediatrician...

If you cannot afford one, one can be appointed, fill out the financial information or they can put it on your husband's tab...

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[healingme4me]

I mean...even if you cheated on him or have had a not so pleasant past, So What??

Happens all the time! He doesn't sound any better than my own father for vilifying you

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[Trippin2.0]

Parental alienation is frowned upon...

[A Red Panda]

Don't give up on your children. They might be angry and stuff now, but if you give up that will be a much stronger action to them.

Who cheated on who in your relationship? Who abused who?

His behaviour towards your children is not acceptable. What is he going to do when they all get older and do things to piss him off? Well, he is going to treat them the same way he is treating you.

His behaviours aren't just because of you so he shouldn't be doing that.

All around from your posts he had honestly doesn't seem like a responsible parent.

Please don't give up on your kids, be honest with the courts and tell them how your spouse has been handling the situation.

[marmaduke]

Might be helpful to read this.
Narcissists are difficult to dealt with.

My ex was a narcissist. They lie, lie, lie

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8247796

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[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Parental alienation is frowned upon...

hardcore it is! Your kids don't deserve to have adult rubbish dumped on them -- that's abusive. And most judges & G.A.L.s are v definite on that point!

OK off soapbox.... :grr:

[IowaFarmGal]

Maybe you are better off without him, but I'd hate to see you lose your kids like that. I think it will come back to bite him over time though. What he did isn't right. I think I am more stable if I don't have to deal with a male in my life. Maybe you would be too. My Ex was a big contributor to my emotional problems and then he judged me for them. A family is an ecosystem, everyone contributes to the chaos and dysfunction in their own way. No one person is totally to blame, but he seems to be making you the one to blame. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least I don't have any kids with mine.