The Elusive Relationship

One more thing, in addendum to the book I wrote previously tonight...

I'm starting my dream job in a few weeks. I was so excited to finally be making this transition and to start working in this career I've studied hard for (and okay, to make more money). I'm not excited for anything anymore. I canceled plans I had this week because I just...I don't want to hang out with friends. I'm like a lump of person, and they don't deserve to have me be No Fun with them. I've spent the entire day, since I rolled out of bed at 12:30 in my pj's, intermittently crying. OMG, imagine if this guy had actually been my boyfriend and we'd broken up. I'd probably be hospitalized; I'm not kidding.

And there is the problem. I'm not crying because I'm sad he didn't want to date. I'm crying because I am grieving the loss of my dream of ever possibly having a healthy, long-term relationship. I am undateable. I have to face the fact that I cannot function like a normal, healthy person in a relationship both for my own sake and the sake of any potential partners. I thought I was okay, thought that I was moving along really well and had healed from a lot of stuff. I haven't. I probably never will, because as much work as my T and I do, this doesn't seem to be abating at all.

I am a smart woman and can achieve a lot just by putting my mind to it, and I have! It makes me feel so incredibly sad and dejected that no amount of intelligence will help me to obtain or maintain a relationship. It's not a skill I have in my database. I know a lot of people have come from bad backgrounds which didn't give them the best foundation, but I have nothing. That part of me is just...there's nothing to grab a hold of. I have literally no reference, and most of the people I've ever cared about have left me. So I'm broken in this aspect. Everyone around me knows it, and I am both embarrassed and despairingly sad.

Why does this solely need to rest squarely on your shoulders?

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Congratulations for the new job. I didn't read you "book" because it was long, and I lose track with long readings. I don't think you are undateable. I think you haven't met the right person yet, especially you think you are doing well. I think it is natural to face some declines and rejections. Not all people are compatible. Can you give me a glimpse to the story to get a better idea: why he didn't want to date? did you find him compatible to your level of intelligence and education, has similar interests, ... etc?

I feel I've explained it pretty darned well. Beyond that, since you don't know me offline, I can't help you to understand it further. This is not a new thing for me, this is decades worth of dysfunction.

Ok...tear yourself up with negative chatter then. My mistake in thinking that it takes two to tango.

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Thank you. It's okay if you didn't read it. As I said, I just needed to type. Sometimes I do that.

He was very interested in the beginning. We are actually very, very compatible; this is not at all the issue. We acknowledge that we're compatible. On our first date, we joked about how we don't really feel online dating matches our personalities (we both prefer to get to know people as friends first) and after I pulled away quite a bit in the next week or so and he still said he wanted to get to know me, I said I would like to if we could do it as friends. I became pretty smitten, and I thought we were on the same page. He didn't realize, until I was flirting via text, that I was in it for anything more than friendship and said he had thought about it at that point and realized he felt he needed to get his shyt together before "trying to plant roots in someone else's pot" He doesn't have his own apartment in town (nowhere to take a girl, if you know what I mean), may be finding a job out of town/state, has some large debt...all legit things that I felt were red flags myself in the beginning. But the more I overthink it the more I feel that if he really wanted to be with me, he would. However...he's completely right and it's best that we don't date.

I am going to be 38 soon. I've been hearing "You haven't met the right person yet" since I was 16. I know you're trying to help, but at some point, when I keep meeting people and they keep rejecting me (I've never broken up with anyone), that phrase has to rest. I'm doing really well in all other aspects of my life because I can deal with them on a very superficial level i.e. they don't require me to be so vulnerable and transparent or to trust another person with my heart. And I'm okay with that. In this area, I am stumped. I've overdosed twice in the past because of relationships which hit the skids, and my coping skills when it comes to conflict, rejection, and being left are pretty nonexistent. I've tried through therapy, but after literally a decade and a half I've barely made a dent. The only thing I've done is that I can now recognize when I'm verbally pushing someone away, and I can tell them I need to disconnect for the time being. Also, I don't manipulate anymore. I have learned to say plainly what I feel/need. But it's still not easy to be with me, and I still cannot handle the fear of or especially actual rejection.

I said what I said because you said you are doing well, and in another thread you said you know that you are "freaking awesome". I wish I can feel that way about myself, and hold this attitude. Besides I think saying "you haven't met the right person yet" really means keep trying

About that guy he doesn't seem to be serious from what you said. Now, you mentioned something, which is your vulnerability and fear of rejection and brokenhearted. So I will leave you with this YouTube video to Dr. Brene Brown and I hope it will give you some insights how accepting our vulnerability is the only way to love.

Woah. What? Where did that come from?

You asked a question and I answered. There was no malice or rudeness intended. I don't think that was necessary.

Heh, thanks. I am pretty awesome in the non-dating realm and even in the dating realm, on paper (i.e. in a profile and in the first few messages), I'm still alright. It's just when I have to trust someone that all hell breaks loose.

It's kind of like when your mom tells you, "They tease you because they like you," or "Ignore them and they'll go away," and you're like...no mom, it is not that simple.

I think he wants something serious with someone at some point; he's had three very long-term relationships. I just think (and he's said) he's still healing from some recent things--there was a lot of loss all within a year including his mother, and then the demise of an engagement. I think this was probably less than 3-4 years ago. I think the timing is bad, and while we'd be good friends (might still be, idk), I think I'd probably be the worst thing for him right now as a girlfriend.

OH and thanks for the link--I think I am too sleepy to watch right now, but I've saved it to watch later.

But in this particular try it doesn't seem that your trust issues were the reason for not continuing, weren't they? But why do yo have problems in trusting someone? Is it just the fear of rejection (just here doesn't mean it is not significant)? or there is something more to it? Because a constant pattern indicates fixed underlying causes. May be this is one of them.

Hi there! I read your book lol. I'm curious as to where your trust issues stem from? If you don't want to share that it's okay. Do you by any slim chance have BPD? I ask because of the fear of abandonment. I myself have BPD so I get that much. And I admit I also am guilty of bombarding my crush, bf ect with a assload of texts. Especially when I'm hypomanic (I'm also BP). I even do this to my bf when I KNOW he's working and can't text back. And I don't think we're the only women that do this. For me it's about the feeling of the attention and the fact that my attention is wanted as well. A feeling that I'm something to be chased after. That being said, you may have pushed him away or even intimidated him with what you may have said. Maybe he doesn't know how to respond or is used to being the one doing the chasing. Besides there are the red flags. Don't ignore those! Listen to your gut. Chances are it's right.

Don't give up on searching for "the one". We all deserve love and care at any age. Maybe try sticking to looking locally so the person can give you the attention and time you want/need. There's nothing wrong with that. You did say you are awesome, you have a great job ect. That's the kind of thinking you need! Don't give up on love and don't be so hard on yourself.

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Very, very long story short: My mother has both bipolar disorder and BPD. She was incredibly emotionally and mentally abusive as well as neglectful. She abandoned me when I was 15 and I was put into foster care and haven't communicated since. I didn't know my father until I met him and his family (step-mother, three half-sisters) about 5 years ago. It didn't go well; they had an idea of who they wanted me to be, and I didn't match it. I was diagnosed with BPD 13 years ago and have had some really bad ups and downs with it. Though through a lot of time and a ton of counseling I have come to a point where I don't fit the criteria for BPD anymore, I definitely still have traits. This is how I know exactly what to expect from myself in a dating relationship--because this all looks very familiar and, try as I may, I cannot meditate, talk, or wise mind (or whatever, lol) myself out of going off the deep end even with the relatively short encounter J and I had.

And he is local--he actually currently lives within a few miles of me, but he isn't sure that's where he's staying. I believe him when he says, while the texting was an issue, it wasn't the ultimate issue. The whole thing made him realize that he hasn't had to be like, "Okay, I should communicate with this person daily or even every other day, they are expecting me to talk to them," in a while. When I said we should have just talked plainly about it, he said it ultimately wasn't down to that. I think he avoids conflict a little bit, and he's not being totally transparent with this. Maybe it pushed him away a bit (though he was aware I have an issue with that), but I believe him when he says that wasn't the whole thing. I want to. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. But I hate the thought of someone blowing smoke because after all the stuff we talked about, I deserve a little more respect than that. We both do.

We all deserve love and care, but as much as I deserve it so does the person I'm with. And I don't think I can provide that. That's the point.

Because you blamed yourself clearly in your post. Because you wrote that it's yourself that causes an inability to have a relationship.

Besides looks like you got the understanding that you needed.

Yes, I found your reply standoffish.

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I find many of your replies standoffish, but I chalk it up to that's just the way you come off in text and you probably mean well. I still try to be kind, because I know we're all hurting on here. Maybe try to remember that the person who originated the thread isn't in the best place emotionally when they're typing, and isn't totally thinking of you just at that moment.

Why do you need to be in a relationship? Is it the companionship? I have been married for a very long time and if I had to do it again I wouldn't. I am very independent and self sufficient. The only good thing that came out of this relationship are my sons. My husband is very moody. I can no longer tolerate his crap. One day is amazing the next day he is an A-hole! Some of our friends think he has BP! He will never get tested or go see anyone because he thinks he's not! I am not sure about the BP but he really acts like he has it!

I don't need to be. I've not been in a relationship for 7 years, lol. I just thought I'd try it. It obviously didn't work out, so now I'm thinking I won't be.

The reason I'm choosing to post this online is because I was going through some emotional stuff last night and I didn't want to sit and stew with my thoughts, not necessarily because I want to be in a relationship and I want help to make it work; this bird has flown for sure.

Have you explored in therapy your attraction to unavailable men?

I was attracted to unavailable men my whole life until age 49. I was married for some years and lived with a man for many years and dated in between. All unavailable one way or the other.

Yet it often felt right away we are so compatible and its mean to be and soul mates ( kind of you say after only few dates)etc I explored in therapy that it's my subconscious reaction to unavailable men, not true compatibility. The strongest chemistry and excitement I ever felt was for unavailable men. My t said its because our bodies respond to familiar. And that familiar is: unavailable men. That's all we know.

My t also told me that when things feel wrong : they usually are wrong. The minute you fell anxious over the guy not responding etc is most likely your guts were telling you " he is unavailable, red flag", yet it feels like you must pursue him, he is a dream come true etc but logically speaking you just need to run away ASAP not run forward

I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't believe you pushed him away. He is just not the right guy. If you continue dating online please reconsider free sites. Seriously inclined men would most likely use sites that are more selective hence cost money. Most free sites are more for hooks ups.

Try eharmony. It is pricey but worth the money.

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Thank you for the advice and the response.

I haven't really talked to my T about dating since dating hasn't been on the table in 7 years. I told her that I was going out on a date, that I really didn't want to do it (I was stepping out of my comfort zone; I don't really like dating at all), and she was like I think you should give it a chance. That's the only thing we discussed. I haven't seen her since due to scheduling conflicts. I have tried all of the dating sites and have spent hundreds of dollars on membership fees. For me, Match and eHarmony were even worse than OkCupid in terms of the quality of men I've met. I met an emotionally abusive man on Match whom I had to nearly get a restraining order against. It was not another attraction to an unavailable man. It was over a month of communication then one date and done because I heeded the red flags. He continued to
pursue me in email and text and was pretty crazy. So for me, who honestly wasn't incredibly enthused about this whole process to begin with, a free site was about all the commitment I was willing to make.

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I'm going to say some things really quickly in response to all of the advice from both threads, and I don't want it to be taken as me being a jerk. I've just been thinking a lot...

When I came online last night, I was spiraling a lot and knew that I was dealing with an emotionally unavailable man. He hasn't lied to me about that (well, when we discussed it in the end); he knows he's not available, his mistake is that he didn't catch himself before we both got to the point where we started having some feelings for each other. He stated plainly, I know the things I'm dealing with and I know what I need to do to deal with them. Regardless of all of the stuff I have been dwelling on in my spiral, I still felt like he attempted to be fair to me and not lead me on too much further. This guy isn't perfect, he is an emotionally unavailable 40 year old man who chose to go on a dating site knowing he has some of those issues to work through. But I'm a 37 year old woman struggling with depression and abandonment issues. I've gone on dating sites as well knowing full well that I wasn't ready to date. Whatever his issues, he's given me the benefit of the doubt a couple of times and rather than saying, "You're a crazy ******, get away from me" has tried to get to the bottom of why I was saying/feeling the way I was. And I just realized that I haven't actually done the same for him. Not at all--I've been accusatory and suspicious rather than think through what the alternative to his actions may be. Emotionally unavailable or not, no one deserves that. It may not all be on me, but that does suck.

After reading these threads, and some of the advice, feel like everything he told me could have been a lie, he may have a secret family, he was using me...I don't really know what advice to pick and choose through. While I am glad I came on here instead of just dwelling on my thoughts or like, going and getting drunk or something last night, I think that is the danger of coming onto a forum like this. The things that I knew to rationally be true about this situation, or thought I did, I'm no longer sure of. People lie on dating sites. I've even stretched the truth (am I curvy? Or actually just a bit chubby...). But I'm not sure what he would have gained here in being totally pathological; we didn't sleep together, he didn't even try. He paid for our meals. He has no idea where I live. The only thing he would have gained is companionship, and he has plenty of friends male and female (yes, I do know this), so I don't think he needs another that much.

Please don't mistake me; I'm grateful for everyone taking the time to read my lengthy posts. I am so happy that you all care to try to make me feel better and the fact that there are people who want to do that helps. But I think I need to step away because the fabric of reality I was holding to in this situation is starting to unravel, and that isn't good.

People lie. But lies eventually become apparent and one can only lie so much. Eventually it all comes to the surface. We just have to pay attention. I wouldn't stop dating. I would just be careful. It's nothing to do with online IMHO. It's true about any relationship no matter how it started

As about being ready. My t says that we attract people at our level. When we are unavailable ( emotionally or otherwise)ourselves that's the kind of people we attract. I think she might be right

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