My wife won't go to couples counseling?

Also: If okay to ask, I am wondering why you have given up masturbation (in addition to cybersex and online affairs).

Sure. And he's been making choices.

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It is her choice to stay. In my eyes, if a spouse wants to stay despite infidelity and anything else that is a struggle, then it would make sense to work through it with a skilled therapist, one that specializes in repairing any rift that would have developed and help both individuals bring themselves to a healthier more functional place as they rebuild a future together. I'm not talking about frequency of sexual relations but a rebuilding of trust, communication and intimacy which includes emotional intimacy. Learning to let go of resentment and learning to forgive, not just their partner but also themselves as infidelity is certainly a blow to oneself.

You are so right. If I understand you correctly, you have just began going to T? If that is correct, you will learn a lot and you have a ways to go in T. For me, when I started marriage Counseling it was about us. I can't fix us, I can only fix me. 3 years into counseling I am still working on me and discovering ugly truths. The marriage T turned into individual T. There I learned to trust my T, which is the first time I ever trusted any one. After that my world became a little safer and I begin to remember things and work on things that I never thought was possible.

My only advice to you is Work On You, You can only change YOU. Once you become the best you can be, there is not much room for improvement. (not much, there is ALWAYS room for improvement and changes always need to be made)

Marriage is not a 50/50 venture. If one person gives 50% and thei other does none you still don;t have a successful marriage. It is a 100/ 100 venture. 100% by each person involved.

I read without glasses and thought you said HE has a choice. She does too. But the whole story is just confusing to me. She might not know he cheats so
she stays. Overall different threads kind of portray different situations. It's hard to know what's going on.

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Somehow I've followed despite a couple of different threads. His story seemed a bit familiar, not in a specific way, but a way that though the details change the song remains the same. Sort of what I'd hear years back before I ever came to PC.

I can completely agree with this statement. I have a feeling my H feels the same way. It's not so much about sex, but about the connection. Men often feel connection threw sex. Sex is confirmation that of value. To a woman sex is not so much how you show love and affection. You show love and affection then comes sex.

I don't have regular sex with my husband, we even tried the experiment where I initiate sex and if I never think about it hen we don't have it. The goal was though to not feel threatened by my H's sexual advances. And to pay attention to my sexual needs. That kinda backfired though. I didn't have the heart to deny my H sex for 6 months.

I see now threw lots of T that my H feels very hurt and unloved. I have not helped him feel wanted or cared about. I have not helped him feel needed and appreciated. My touch says that to him. My closeness says that to him, my willingness to have sex says that to him. My words can say that to him. But it takes more then jsut my words to make him feel secure. Body language, touch, hugs, physical connections and sexuality are so much stronger forms of positive re enforcement.

Humans need touch under ordinary circumstances. I don't have normal circumstances. I don't like hugging, I don't like cuddling, I don't like to be touched. I wear clothes to bed so I don't feel his touches, I wear a shirt and socks during sex so I am not able to feel touches. I jsut don't like it.

I am saying this to you so that you can see that sex is not always about sex, it is about human compassion and connection. You need touch, you need understanding, you need human compassion, you cheat because you need human touch, and skin to skin contact. Being intimate with someone fills your need for skin to skin contact and human touch as well as the sexual urges you may have. That doesn't make it right, it is just one of the more logical sides of the reason one cheats. I am lucky my husband has chosen not to cheat. Just like murder is wrong even if it is done because someone abused you. Stealing is wrong even if you steal food because you are hungry. Adultery is wrong even if you have a instinctual need for touch and compassion that is not being met. Just because there is a logical reason doesn't make it right ,just more understandable, but not right.

Keep going to T, and become the best person you can be. You will be much happier with your self and that means a lot.

I don't want to masturbate because I'd rather have sex with my wife. I love her and I want her and sex makes me feel connected to her. When I masturbate I get connected to someone or something else. In the past I didn't care. All that seemed important was reaching orgasm. But now things are different. I want more. I want an emotional connection too.

My mother didn't acknowledge my feelings. Neither did my father. Feelings were a foreign object in the household I grew up in. We just didn't express emotions. We kept everything bottled up inside.

My wife tends to be unemotional too. She talks about people dying so matter of factly like when my son was dying of cancer. She would ask questions like, is he dying? How long does he have to live? We should start making plans. Don't get me wrong. My wife is very caring and loving in her own sort of way. But when it comes to expressing emotions and acknowledging the way she makes people feel, she considers all of that their problem and not hers.

Have you ever heard of a "guilt trip"? That's the way it feels. Like I've done something wrong and I have to beg for forgiveness. Whatever the situation might be, I feel like it's happening because I've done something wrong. When I get like this I stop everything I'm doing so I can examine my life and make adjustments to get back to a happy equilibrium.

It seems that the only way you know how to have any emotional connection is via sex. (Not an accusation, but what I gather about how you were raised).

Also, it sounds as if your wife is the one in control in your relationship (the dynamics and rules of anybody's relationship is not going to be exactly the same as someone else's, but I believe that we all base them on honesty).
Perhaps that is why you "cheated" (whatever the individual definition is). To gain some control.

Sounds like maybe your therapist will be able to help you sort out both of these issues.

Without context as to how much sex you have or how interested or not she is, it's hard to come to a conclusion. It is good for you to get help yourself, I will agree.

The idea that she mentions you've had an obsession with sex for years makes me wonder what she means by that. This is not a new situation so I wonder what pieces are missing and whether this is a difference in placement of value on sex. She thinks you're obsessed with sex for a reason. Although by your perspective I am sure you disagree, being one uninterested in sex and calling someone obsessed with it are vastly different.

So my question to you is, have you truly analyzed that fact? Have you asked yourself why she would consider that you are obsessed with it or whether there is any evidence of this?

Your "slip ups" kind of allude to the idea that there may be something to consider here but I could be wrong.

Being obsessed with sex is open to interpretation. What's normal? I happen to like talking about it and doing it whenever I can. Am I obsessed to where I would miss work or jeopardize my job for sex? No. Do I get online and jerk off during the day? No. But when it comes to the situation I'm in and how I'm going to solve it, I could be called obsessive. I'm like that with every challenging problem I'm trying to solve. I get focused on it. I work on it day and night, day after day. And then once I get it solved, I back off and work on something else. Some people call it obsession. I like to call it more of a passion for sex. But to be quite honest, it's not the sex as much as it is the Dopamine and Oxycontin rush that comes with it.

Yes, there is evidence of it. If you ask me why I'm going to see a therapist and what we discuss, right now it's all about sex and how I can stabilize my life around "normal" sexual desires.