I don't relate to other people

What is your field of study, if I may ask?

It's music. My main concentration is composition, but from that comes theory, orchestration and performance. This is why I'm predominately around other musicians. Also the success of career hinges on making connections with as many other musicians as possible, so that's why I'm worried about this.

Cool. I thought your hobby is music, but you study something related to science. I wanted to learn on an instrument like guitar, but I'm not sure if I can master the theory now, or the fingers' movements. I'm not that young. But now that makes sense why you talked a lot about music. How do you rate yourself in what you're doing? and have you done some good projects already?

Well, I guess my hobby is music too at the moment. Honestly, I'm not sure you need to know much theory to learn guitar. I mean, it always helps, but guitar is one of those instruments that you don't even need to read music, just tablature which is more intuitive for the instrument in my opinion. For the finger movements, those can be tricky but with everything, you just start slowly and gradually speed up.

As for how I'd rate myself...when the part is in a role that I specialize in (hopefully you can get what I mean...I don't want to specify my instrument or specialties because of privacy) then I'm the best or one of the best in the area at what I do. Even when I play parts that are out of my comfort zone, I still do better than most. I've been playing a lot out of my comfort zone to become a more well-rounded player and that affected my confidence a lot. But at least I'm able to play well in multiple genres. I play regularly in classical, jazz, and latin context. I've been mostly playing in university ensembles (sometimes subbing in a latin style band in the next state over), but in the summer I'll be playing with the band in the next state again, for an 8-show musical run, and hopefully will be part of the start of a closer latin band.

As for composition, I finished a commission a while back, I wrote a concerto for my boyfriend, I just found out that a piece that I wrote as part of a collaborative song cycle is going to be distributed to Spotify, iTunes, etc. I just finished my first arrangement for big band, but unfortunately it got snubbed from the concert (the jazz bands at my university have a concert exclusively for student/local/alum composers every year). I think it was personal because mine was better than two of them that were on the concert, but most of the band voted on the tunes we played, so I don't know. But that greatly affected my confidence. And remember I'm around jazz musicians the most often, and jazz is still very sexist. There is an underlying feeling like women should not be involved. I hadn't been involved in a while until I met my boyfriend so there may be people who think I'm only involved because of him. I did just revise a piece for a jazz combo and that should be on the next concert. We just played the revised version in rehearsal today and everyone seemed to really like despite it still needing some revisions. As a composer I was trained in the classical idiom, so writing in the jazz idiom is still really new and I don't have a lot of confidence in that earlier.

I guess it just comes down to confidence. I'm usually out of my comfort zone becoming more well-rounded because you have to do everything, especially to become a professor anymore it seems. My professional performance experience is almost exclusively latin, and that's not the case for most other people around here. There's plenty of other things I wanted to do performance wise that I've never been able to do that most people do, especially by my age. I just feel like such a late bloomer.

I just feel really far behind my peers, maybe that's what's affected my confidence the most. That and never getting a teaching assistantship, which most people in the music department get. So unlike my peers, I have little to no teaching experience (especially college teaching experience). I see listings for jobs that my abilities and education fit very well and then I see that 2+ years of college teaching are required or some other requirement that I don't meet and it's very frustrating. If I had a TA, I might have been able to apply.

I'm not familiar with music, but it sounds that you are doing very well to me, and you have confidence in what you're doing, especially when it comes to your specialization. Also, your revision of that jazz combo tells me that you care about your work.

About TA position, do you still have the opportunity to do any? I didn't do any TA during my PhD. Strangely, enough, I was talking to another PhD holder today, and he told me I need teaching experience to teach in a university!! So, I guess we are in the same boat. But if you aren't defending your dissertation soon (I assume there is a dissertation in music, right?), try to get a TA for one or two semesters, it's better than nothing, I guess.

Also, I don't think you have any issues talking to others. You said may be you're polite, but you aren't sure if you are patient, yet you answered all my questions politely. Another person would have stopped along time ago. The only thing I noticed is that you are interested in music, and probably interested consciously in making friends who play music as well. Why not to speak about the things you're confident in? You're different, and maybe that is the beauty of it. You can share your experiences. Do you think your choice about jazz is challenging for you as a female? I'm not sure how music works, but does it have to be either this genre or that you play or know all the time?

Also, has anything changed since you opened the thread (which has been running for a while now)? Making some actions are important.

Honestly, I used to feel this way. Maybe you feel that "relating" to other people means developing deep connections, and you're simply not feeling that natural 'click' with people. Relating to people and bonding with them are two completely different things, and I think that you may have misconstrued the two.

If only skill were the only thing that was needed, or even all that important. It really doesn't seem to matter if you're good or not. You can be very mediocre instead. It only matters if you have friends and connections and if you're sucking up to the right people. I believe I do the latter well, but I have a hard time always portraying the "correct" personality and it rarely ends well if I actually let someone get to know me. I'm fine as long as I'm not mad about something and there's so much BS going on around me that I'm angry pretty often. That and high stress (either me or my boyfriend seem to be nearing a breakdown pretty often) and I have zero patience and it takes a lot self-control not to start outright arguments sometimes.

I'm aggressive, either self-deprecating or arrogant, selfish, intimidating, a smart***, unempathetic (so I've been told)-especially when I'm angry. That's bad enough for a guy, but disaster if you're female. At least some of those traits are admirable in men. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate being female?

But on the other hand, I'm really easy to work with if I'm treated with respect and not screwed over. I'll even take a passive role in a group.

I don't really know if it's just grad school or my core personality anymore. I just feel like I don't have the respect of my peers like I have the respect of the band members I still play with on occasion.

As for TA's, apparently at the university I'm at, you either get one going in or not at all ever. I would estimate probably 85-90% of the doctoral students have one too, so it's humiliating not to have one. Not all the TA positions are classroom teaching though, but still, they get their tuition paid for and get a small stipend anyway. And they don't rotate the teaching duties so everyone can get the teaching experience they need/want. Faculty get little to no say in who their TA's are. If they did, I would have had one in my master's or would have one right now. At least now I have an unpaid fellowship where I will get mentored by faculty at a local university and I may be able to guest lecture. For whatever that's ultimately worth. Other people have been able to land adjunct positions at small universities without a TA, but there isn't any available slots for me to fill locally. Maybe I could cold call/e-mail the universities and ask (it'll feel like begging) if I can pretty please get some adjunct teaching experience. Oh well, unlike my boyfriend who's in the same boat experience wise, I could still live with myself if I'm not a professor once I graduate.

In case you're curious, in lieu of a traditional dissertation, I'm writing a symphony. Apparently there is an actual PhD in my program, but only certain schools have that available. I will have different, worthless and humiliating letters by my name. Essentially I went to the wrong school, but I didn't think I could get in anywhere else, so I didn't apply.

I'll have to think about what (if anything) has changed...I guess a couple days ago I was in a good mood and talked to people/said hi to people etc. But then the next day I'm too angry again.

And yes, it feels like you don't belong if you're female and you want to get involved at all in jazz. There are other women around here that are involved in jazz. There's one that my boyfriend is encouraging me to be closer friends with and I just can't put my finger on why it doesn't feel right. She does seem to like that I'm the more quiet/introspective type.

I think I have issues with both. I don't relate to some of the issues that other people commonly have. For example, I'll graduate without debt and up until this point in my life, I've never had to worry about money. I really doubt many people in grad school and who are musicians can relate. I've been an outcast, a difficult student. We were having a discussion in a college teaching class about difficult students and most had never even seen a difficult student and I admitted that I was one of those difficult students. I've always had whatever issues that I have. There's plenty of life experiences that I haven't had or that were different. I didn't start dating until my mid-20's, for example.

And no, I don't bond with most people. I was pretty sure I was entirely incapable of bonding with the people (because I didn't really even with my own parents), but apparently I am. Apparently I'm even capable of showing empathy to people who actually validate my existence as a human being and actually recognize that my emotions are real and not inherently wrong.

I want to say, in almost everything you said, I relate. From sensory overload, to not knowing how to talk to people and engage in a meaningful conversation, to anger, ... etc.

If it's of any help to you, I keep withdrawing from social situations, and I believe this is what keeps me the same alone, fragile, and angry person. I don't endure what I perceive as mistreatment/rejection from others.

I think small steps as what you did the other day when you talked with people, with some persistence can move you closer to what you desire.

I agree with you 100% making connections is as important as, or even more important than, excellence. As I said elsewhere here introvert and shy people don't get their fair share of life because they don't express themselves socially well.

Just keep trying, and put yourself to the situations you don't like. Your anger can be of benefit to you if you know how to direct it constructively. I use my anger to say the things I want to say, and do the things otherwise I wouldn't do. For example, sometimes I feel angry on myself that I cannot talk to people and gain the respect of others, so, even though sometimes I stay at home and feel depressed, other times I go out and try to prove to myself I can do it.

It was nice to know something about music, like there is no dissertation and the jazz and female stuff. Embrace yourself, and prove to others that you can fit where ever you desire.

Good luck

WS

I wouldn't say I really withdraw from social situations...I don't dominate the conversation, that's all. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong?

And actually, I would venture to say that connections is the only thing that matters. My department is currently hiring a new professor. We'll see if they choose the person more qualified for the job or if they choose the person with connections with the university who really isn't qualified for the job. If it's the latter, my hypothesis would have been unfortunately proven, at least in this case. I know I've had a peer's work chosen over mine SOLELY because of the connection, because my work was superior in every way.