I don't relate to other people

I've never followed the majority, and I'm thinking that might be part of the problem. I'm too different to easily find where I fit in.

And yes, Ruari I can relate to what you're saying.

I honestly don't take a huge amount of initiative to get people to hang out with me, but then I distrust people's intentions so I don't generally bother. I suppose I feel hard to get now.

The people that I do end up hanging out with are people who want to use me to do their homework or my boyfriend's friends. Maybe people think I'm just a peripheral? But these are the same people I would gravitate towards anyway so I don't know. I guess I just think he'll at least protect me from people taking advantage of me.

It could be a self-esteem issue. Or I've just been hurt too many times to trust again. But it's frustrating that I can't seem to get most people to understand what I'm saying.

Back to your question, Wandering Soul, I'm just looking for people that I can actually talk to and not have them act like I'm speaking another language. I tend to dislike dualistic thinkers (as one way is correct, all others are always incorrect sorts of thinkers).

I've also noticed that depending on my stress level, I may not be able to tolerate being in loud, bright, and crowded places for very long and especially not all the time. I generally don't need to get away from people, it's just the loudness/pitch/tonal complexity. It's hard to explain because my reaction isn't always consistent. I don't know if I'm hypersensitive or what, but sounds bother me and certain foods seem to bother me. I may not have as much of a problem anymore, but I don't know how to safely test what food I can handle on a regular basis.

Those are other traits that Aspies usually struggle with. Its described as a 'sensory overload'.

snakedance.tumblr.com

This page does a good job explaining differences and coping skills. You might find that it explains some things.

I suffer from all what you said except when the time to talk. I don't think I have ASD, and may be you don't, too. At the end, I think these are all labels if you are willing to work on the symptoms. Anxiety can originate from sensitivity. I'm very sensitive to noise and light, and cannot stand being in the middle of a large crowd. I'm also very sensitive as a person that any touching story will make me shed some tears easily.

In my grad school I was surrounded by religious people, and I didn't get along with them very well, as they kept bringing God on each conversation. Cannot you find some people who don't talk about their political beliefs or musical interests? I doubt that all students are either this or that.

Is it easy for you to talk casually about everyday life? I think you mentioned before you prefer to speak about facts, but still is it the case? Even if it doesn't come naturally to you, force yourself into these easy topics. You don't need any pre-requisite to talk about them with any one, except for him/her being a normal person. Just a suggestion.

The only way I could find people who wouldn't talk about music is if they don't know I'm a musician. So how would I answer the what do you go to school for/do for a living question? Just say I'm in a creative field and hope they don't ask specifically which one?

I'm not sure what else to talk about anyway? Even though I like sports, I don't know enough names or stats to talk about it. I can't talk about movies because I rarely watch them and I usually have little interest in them. I play video games, but not the newest mainstream ones, so that's a hit or miss. Maybe TV shows? I watch more recent ones, but I still rarely pay attention enough to talk about it. I rarely remember character names or contestant names (if it's a reality show). If we're watching it at that moment, then I could probably talk about it. I have zero religious or spiritual interests. I don't have any hobbies outside of I guess watching TV and playing old video games. I mean, my hobby is doing my homework. That's what I did as a child too-either that or video games once I got to high school.

I'm not sure what you mean by talking about everyday life? My everyday life is music and chores. I don't have interesting life stories to share. I don't really have family-I have parents but we don't interact that much and I feel little connection to them. And I have no idea about the rest of my family. I never see them. I guess I could just talk about my relationship maybe.

What do "normal" people talk about? Weather? Laundry? I'm not sure.

Yes, I meant something like the weather or what you like/dislike about the services and structures of the campus or cafeteria, for example. I don't know. Just be causal. I'm not good at that either, but most people don't like to talk about serious stuff or things they don't know about, unless they are interested. So some adjustment is needed. You said you are a good listener. That's a good thing I guess. You just need to be engaged more, even if you are silent most of the time. I would avoid personal topics like relationships. May be it's wiser to talk about them if you find a friend you trust. Experiment. I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out.

I get what you mean. It's been hard to make friends that I can relate to as well. I guess that's partially why emotionally it's hard to get those attachments for me. I (sort of) broke out of it because I realized that I needed this more than anything else in my life besides my music (Hence as to why I joined these forums to begin with) but i'm still slowly trying to not isolate myself from others in that way. You just take small steps when you do try to connect to others on that level, and you just slowly do it as you try and get yourself stronger in that way. Don't rush, just take it easy. You just gotta find the inner strength to connect to others in that way. (I had to find it too)...

Just know if you do need someone to listen to you, I can be there. I'm quite a good listener in that way, and I do try and help others in that way to try and get them on the right path to take, instead of the dark road I decided to walk on.

it doesn't sound bizarre to me at all. Truth is I was about to respond to the last post you were replying to because I think that her problem stems from the idea that she seems to have an issue with speaking to people that are in her peer group for fear of either not having anything to contribute or feeling like she is not "worthy", inadequate or inferior. It makes perfect sense to be able to talk to strangers but not to peers for this reason.

OP: I would look into the reasons why you have a hard time connecting with peers. Think about what I've said and consider seriously if that may be the root cause. If you're not able to connect and talk to peers that would make it extremely difficult to find and make friends since commonality is something that is needed for a friendship.

Just a thought, hope this helps.

Yeah, I think the main reason is that I'm inadequate and inferior to most if not all of my peers. I've always been inferior to my boyfriend too (also in my peer group), but I usually feel equal or superior to people outside my peer group as long as no one talks about what they do for a living or about experiences as a musician when they were younger etc.

Even with peers, I'll engage in conversation until I feel inferior, then I just politely listen. I doubt I'm really that good of listener either, but I at least pretend to be. And then people think I'm quiet and often say that directly to me. What do I say when ever I have an opinion it's wrong and I look stupid? That all comes from interactions with my father as a child, if that's relevant at all.

It's completely relevant. But knowing this won't change your reality. I think you need to set your mind and say what you want to say. You seem like a polite and patient person, but being polite isn't enough, unfortunately. You need to express yourself.

PhD students like to talk about their supervisors and how mean (some of them) and not helping they are. That's something common I guess.

This statement alone stood out for me. For two reasons, one, I can relate and understand how that feels.. two, and more importantly something I've had to learn myself.

When you have an opinion - it is your viewpoint. You should never feel stupid or wrong for having a point of view or opinion.

Saying something is black when it is actually white that's a difference in fact but if you say I think black is a great color, who can tell you you're wrong? Understand that difference and it makes things easier.

Maybe polite, but I don't know about patient...

Why is it that I need to express myself verbally so much? I feel like I express myself through music and through how I look etc. If I feel like it's appropriate to say something I will, otherwise I'll just listen. Unfortunately, it's rare to find someone with common interests that isn't too intimidating because of their amount of experience. I have nothing to contribute. Maybe if I just hung out with freshmen...

Wouldn't it be understandable to feel stupid for having an opinion that's wrong? And who can tell me I'm wrong? Well, anyone, even if they agree with me. I've never understood why people get aggressive towards someone who's agreeing with them. It just leads to misunderstandings. I should just stick to facts until I know which opinions would be ok within a group. I'm just never around anyone often enough to gauge what their opinions are.

Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. The arena is for the people who express themselves verbally, generally speaking. Of course you can express yourself with music and other arts, but you said you need some friends. I'm not sure if expressing yourself with music is the shortest bath. It can attract some people of course, but I'm not sure how. But with expressing yourself verbally, you will have more immediate results, I think.

You keep saying you don't have anything to contribute, why? What topics are you usually face? Are they all about music other than your type or politics that you are on the opposite end? I think the issue here is not that you have nothing to contribute, but rather your thought that you have nothing to contribute, or may be as you said afraid that you will be wrong. By the way, it's said that if you want to know the correct answer, say a wrong one. So, say your opinion in any case. I guess, I'm blunt with my opinions and I'm not afraid of confronting anyone because for me the discussion is the core of gatherings, but of course it's not, at least most of the time. Now I'm trying to be more tolerant and accepting and focus more on the social aspect of the gatherings and meetings. It doesn't work all the time, but I'm trying.

I know people who talk to others in different topics, and they know nothing about them. Do you think most people speak correct things most of the time? Most people don't care about the topic in hand as much as to socialize in my experience. That's why I face difficulties communicating with people, too. People mostly want to feel they are part of something and that others communicating friendly with them.

I want to emphasize that I suffer from similar problems, but I'm trying to do something about it. For example, I'm going to a meetup group where we meet at a bar, and I try to communicate with people casually. Sometimes I do better than others. But I will continue, because isolating myself is not an option anymore.

Why do you need to express yourself? I'm not sure in what context, how to interpret your question. If you are saying you do have a need to express yourself but asking why, my answer is this. It's that we as a social species have a need to be included, accepted and above all, understood. This would be the reason one would be compelled to express themselves verbally to others and is natural.

If you are asking why it should be necessary to do so, my answer would be that it isn't entirely necessary to function in groups or society as a whole but it does a few things, related to what I've said above. If you had no need for acceptance, and companions or friends, this would not be a subject to even breach. Even those that are most introverted such as myself, have a need to be part of the whole as an accepted part of society, and although I do alright staying mostly as a loner, I do have the need to interact and attempt to have friends or acquaintances at the very least. I won't claim that I do much of the things I say very much although I understand that my reluctance to interact more than I do is entirely on my shoulders. At this point for me, I know that this is my choice to remain mostly alone.

Of course it's completely understandable to feel stupid for your opinion. There are plenty of people out there that would go out of their way to make sure others that disagree with their opinions are "wrong" and "stupid" for seeing things differently. I correct people all the time on forums for stating their opinions as fact and for belittling people for their differing views because it's a subject that truly is one I feel very strongly about.

"I should just stick to facts..." I disagree, although I can understand why you would say that. a conversation limited completely to factual information isn't one that typically needs to be spoken anyway. Talking about how some subject factually is dry and unnecessary. Except for if one is explaining facts to someone that may not understand something those conversations are not the ones that bring us together, help us get to know one another or motivate us to become friends. Our views on those facts are what make us individuals, make us interesting and that is how we get to know another person beyond the superficial.

We can, you and I talk about what, for example about the subject of religion. Factually we can have a conversation about what religion is but what would make the conversation one where we got to know one another would be talking about what your view on it and mine was, whether we agree or differ. That is the soul of good conversation not the facts.

I've rambled enough about conversation itself.

I feel, and I may be wrong but I will state this anyway, that it is your confidence, your belief in yourself, your views and your standing in life, career and as a peer where you need to be strengthened. Stand strong in what you believe, your opinions and never make apologies for them, that makes you who you are, and no one has any right to tell you that's wrong. Once you take that to heart and understand it, those conversations with people will be much easier to have.

I could live with superficial connections if only it got me gigs/jobs. But it's all about actual connections. I really don't want people to know what I think or my actual personality. People have hated me and have been cruel when I pursued them at all. I've been kicked out and smacked in the face for being myself. Obviously I have to be heavily filtered and only have an opinion if I agree. No one needs to know if I disagree.

And whenever I let anyone pretending to be nice in they use and abuse me. My boyfriend's encouraging me to be friends with this one ***** despite the fact that she just uses me to do her homework. I've tried being nice and giving chances, but then I get USED. But I guess I have to be friends with her anyway because that's the best I can do. I mean, we've never hung out where I didn't have to do her homework for her.

I have no idea who it's safe to reveal who I actually am to. Even the person I thought was my "best friend" didn't even like me. She probably just felt sorry for me. Now I wonder if all the "friends" I thought I had just felt sorry for me. I don't know how to explain it, but it just seems like my core as a person has been met with fear and disgust by most people if I actually reveal it. It would be for the best if I created a "stage persona" for relating to other people but I haven't figured out how to make it seem real enough.

And as for topics that I'm faced in conversation a lot of times it's talking about old times where everyone in the group has known each other for years and I just met some (if not all) of them. Which is interesting, but there's not much I can contribute to that if I don't share those memories. Or people just talk about what they're studying in school and if it's not what I'm getting a doctorate in (and they are), I can understand it but I'm not going to know enough to really contribute. I can learn a lot that way, but I can't participate. Or people will just talk about their experiences on cruise ships or in the military and I don't relate. Those sorts of things. It's difficult to join conversations about experiences you've never had.

I'm not even completely sure if I want actual friends or if I just want the connections necessary to get gigs or get a job someday because that's the only way to get a job anywhere. So I just need to be what most people will like. Whether that's truly me or not doesn't matter as long as I perform the role well.

Why do you think your true self isn't likable?

I don't think you need to be an expert to be able to contribute to the conversation.

I've never been on a cruise because I am afraid of getting sea sick so if people talk about cruise I might ask is if true you feel sea motion because some people do and some don't. I wonder how much is true. I've never been in military but my grandpa was career officer and my fiancée was in service. So I can share what they say or I can ask questions. If people talk about travel to places I've never been I can comment how exciting it sounds and ask questions about those places.

If you have nothing to say you can just ask questions. If people talk about their studies then you can bring up yours etc no need to know all right answers. Unless you start lecturing people and showing off your expertise in things you don't even know, then it should be fine. In my experience people are mostly tolerant.



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Just from people's reactions and because I spent most of my life not really feeling loved or listened to.

I wouldn't have a problem if these sorts of conversations didn't happen so often. It's seems difficult to form friendships if most of my conversations involve me just asking questions or listening because I don't relate to the experience. It makes it more difficult for people to get to know me because I'm not fully able to join the conversation to the extent that everyone else in the group usually is (usually they all share an experience and then that's all they talk about).

What happens is that when you feel you're unlikable, you'll act like it, and actually become unlikable.

If that's true, then there's not much hope for me in my current area. If people view me as unlikable whether they originally did or because I think I'm unlikable, they're not going to change their minds even if I were to somehow gain a ton of self-esteem.

You know, even though I've always been shy, I did try pretty hard to make friends when I first got to the city the university I attend is in. But the first person I tried to connect with (and maybe it's my fault for having a crush on him) just utterly destroyed me. Others have used me. I just can't tell what their motives are until it's too late and usually I can't tell if someone is using me until it's too late. I have no idea how to build trust to even begin a friendship. If I pursue someone I've experienced very brutal rejection and if I let someone pursue me, they solely want to use me. And so I have no idea how to even approach making friends. How do I know I can trust the person? It would take years of proving they're trustworthy for me to trust them, but even then...

All I was trying to say is that most of the time we create the reality we imagine in our minds. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. Even if people didn't like us initially, but we like ourselves, we can change their minds. I know it's easier said than done, because I suffer from this myself. I always assume things and stop there because it makes me depressed and it drains my energy to try, and thus I don't challenge my assumptions. But hopefully sharing this will be insightful or even helpful for you.

Right there, not knowing people's intentions is yet another sign of ASD. I think you have many characteristics of it. You don't have to seek therapy if you don't want, but be aware of that.

Making friends isn't easy. I'm trying it, but failing. I have a bit of shyness and anxiety and may be depression. All of these play in.

I'm not sure if it was mentioned somewhere: but do you have any friend at all other than your BF? I think if you have just one friend beside your BF it's good enough. I mean you don't have to surround yourself with many friends to feel connected, this is my view at least.

You don't have to trust people on your life from the outset. Make it superficial at the beginning. Like meeting somewhere in public every week. Gradually you can see what happens.

Have you tried meetup groups? I forgot if you mentioned this, too. Sorry if you did. But you can meet people in the meeting and that's it if you want. You can test the water in these meetings if you want to friend any one.

I don't see myself as having friends other than my boyfriend at the moment. I guess some of his friends would be considered aquaintences?

The issue with trust is I can't tell someone is taking advantage of me until it's too late. Or at this point, I'm just going to assume that every little thing means they are. I talked about it in therapy today, but didn't get that far because I swear I spend most of the appointment talking about music or audio technology/computers etc.

As for meetup groups, I've tried them, but most of the ones I'd be interested in require some sort of financial or time commitment. I understand why, but at the same time, my schedule changes a lot and without warning so I don't like committing to something. What if I don't have time/don't feel like it? Just added stress. I keep looking though to see if there's a good one from time to time. I still would like to connect with one or two of my peers.

Does your therapist know anything about music/audio technology?

No, she knows very little. It would help to know where I'm coming from if she did. I'm not convinced she can understand me.

Yet you spent most of your appointment talking about it. I know therapists listen to their patients, but I see that you can do the same with other people who don't know about music. You said that you don't talk because you don't relate to others, try the opposite, talk about your interests and see others who don't relate how they react. For me if I talked about a topic with people who aren't familiar with it, I would present it in a different way than if they were familiar with it. If they asked more, I would elaborate more.

She gets paid to listen to me though. Honestly, I wish she'd direct the conversation towards something more productive instead of asking more questions.

I don't spend that much time around people who don't know much about music. I would like to be able to relate more to fellow musicians/peers. I'm just more at a loss if I'm not talking about music or some other academic subject. I wouldn't mind talking about gossip, politics, etc. with people I know better maybe, but that's supposed to be how you get to know someone it seems.