[bathroomscrubber]

I'm so very lost and confused. I'm in love with my now ex boyfriend. Quick rundown, I reacquainted with him after many years of lost communication. We grew up together. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first real crush. Anyhow, we started talking again. My life was just not going so great. I had a job I hated, roommates that didn't pay their way, a town I lived in for 24 years and always hated. And here comes my ♘ in shining armor. I could be free of the garbage and start over fresh. I quit my job, said goodbye to my family and friends, and moved to a new state. Never once concidering the ramifications of my hasty decision. I was drinking close to a fifth of whiskey a day at the time. I also was not in a good place with my bipolar disorder, which I have finally accepted is real. I got here and everything came crashing down around me. I had never been away from my family in 40 years. I Was surrounded by his children that at the time did not approve of me because their parents had recently divorced, I finally got my divorce that I put off for 16 years so I would never make that mistake again, but I felt my man didn't want me. He was always on his tablet. So I kept on drinking. When I felt brave enough I would tell him I was going back to my family because he didn't want me. He finally had enough of it and told me it was over between us. He still loved me but he realized that after his divorce he should have realized he wasn't relationship material. I was to go back home. My family got a plane ticket the closet it came time to leave and I actually stayed packing my things to come back later to get, I kept having panic attacks. I completely shut off, if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't want him finding me, I wouldn't be here today. I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for over 2 weeks. Apparently most people are out within a week. But when I was at the regular hospital he showed up in tears seriously broken thinking he caused me to be there. I explained to him that it was a long time in the making, and had nothing to do with him aside from the fact that I messed that up too. That I finally had someone good and I destroyed it again. He told me when I go back to "home" I would heal. I told him to leave. He visited me everyday in the P.H. and I kept trying to tell him all I wanted was him. They released me, and at first things were ok. He still wouldn't be with me, but we were still friends. He allows me to have the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. He stated isolating from me again, and spending less and less time at home and when he was home very little time on his tablet. I'm so very lost and confused, because now that I'm getting better, I initiate a lot of the interaction that goes on between us, and he still does things for me that make me really confused. I want to try again to tell him how I feel, almost beg him to give me another chance. I never intended to go back to my family, and even if he refuses to take me back, I plan on staying here. Not in his home he so generously allows me to stay in, but this city. I'm just scared if I tell him he will shut down from me again. I am so lost and don't know what to do because I really do love him. And want him everyday. Just thinking about him gives me butterflies seeing him gives me a swarm. So we don't spend much time in eachothers presence. I thought writing this would help but it's just made me more confused

[Molinit]

What money are you living on?

Are you doing whatever treatment you were recommended to do when discharged from the hospital? If you are not, why not?

This "relationship" is dead. Not going to happen. He obviously doesn't care about you the way you want him to.

If you have no income, you need to contact a homeless shelter, take your things and move there.

This entire situation is toxic. Either move back with your family or go to a shelter.

[divine1966]

He is kind enough to let you stay in the house but you can't force people to stay in a relationship with you. It's time to move on. You can do it

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[bathroomscrubber]

[QUOTE=Molinit;4958479]What money are you living on?

Are you doing whatever treatment you were recommended to do when discharged from the hospital? If you are not, why not?

This "relationship" is dead. Not going to happen. He obviously doesn't care about you the way you want him to.

If you have no income, you need to contact a homeless shelter, take your things and move there.

This entire situation is toxic. Either move back with your family or a

I realize it's toxic. I was going to go to a shelter he didn't want me to. I cannot go back to where I came from. That is even more toxic. Kinda sounds like there are a lot of preconceived
Assumptions about me here. Idk. I have never been in this situation before. I'm kind of petrified. I've been taking care of myself since I was 17.I've taken care of numerous people through the years. Moving here changed that. Now I find myself relying on someone else for the first time. I quit my job and moved everything I own out here. No I cannot take it to a shelter. And yes I am doing everything in my treatment plan, including things on my own to try and better the situation. My doctors told me I couldn't go back to where I came from. No matter where I look right now I am stuck. It's not like I'm just using his kindness. I clean the house and cook the meals and take care of the pets. I just don't know how to shut my feelings off. I shouldn't have posted this

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He is kind enough to let you stay in the house but you can't force people to stay in a relationship with you. It's time to move on. You can do it

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I know I cannot force one and I haven't tried to. I just don't know how to turn my feelings off.

[Molinit]

If you refuse a shelter and cannot go back where you were before, then I'm out of ideas.

You can put yourself in the mindframe that you are the housekeeper there (which it seems you are) and treat it as a business relationship. If he isn't encouraging a relationship with you, there's no payoff to having feelings for him and they will go away.

[divine1966]

Well you say you aren't forcing but you said you are begging him to take you back .

If the only solution is to live in his house then that's what you got to do. It is impressive it's ok with him.

Your doctors tell you not to go back but what do they suggest? What if you didn't have this ex then where would you live? Where do people live who don't have ex or their ex doesn't let him stay in the house? I have exes but they cannot stay in my house ( few nights maybe the most). Most people don't have ex to stay with.

If you go to a shelter they might help to find low income housing.

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[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well you say you aren't forcing but you said you are begging him to take you back .

If the only solution is to live in his house then that's what you got to do. It is impressive it's ok with him.

Your doctors tell you not to go back but what do they suggest? What if you didn't have this ex then where would you live? Where do people live who don't have ex or their ex doesn't let him stay in the house? I have exes but they cannot stay in my house ( few nights maybe the most). Most people don't have ex to stay with.

If you go to a shelter they might help to find low income housing.

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No I said I wanted to beg. I worded everything so poorly. He does things like call me honey, sweety, baby. He buys things for me and I keep telling him not to. He goes back and forth from making me feel line maybe there is a chance to making me feel like there isn't. That is why I'm so confused. He wants me to stay here instead of a shelter because he talked me into quitting my job and coming here because everything was so bad there. they just changed my meds again, and I guess they are definately not right.

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[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by Molinit

If you refuse a shelter and cannot go back where you were before, then I'm out of ideas.

You can put yourself in the mindframe that you are the housekeeper there (which it seems you are) and treat it as a business relationship. If he isn't encouraging a relationship with you, there's no payoff to having feelings for him and they will go away.

I don't refuse the shelter, just said cannot being my things. He is the reason I'm here. I was going to go to a shelter. He thought it was because of him and me not wanting to be around him. like I said everything is just so confusing. I cannot even really explain it. I've not explained things well at all.

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[divine1966]

Things are just things. I moved across the ocean with no things. Things have no value really. You can buy new things

Well if you want to shut off your feelings you do need to live elsewhere. Seeing him every day isn't the best here since he doesn't want a relationship

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See if you can store your things with him for the time being, and tell your treatment social workers that you need help finding a place to live.

I think he has been nice to you because he wants you to be emotionally stable. I don't think he wants a relationship with you.

[divine1966]

Good idea. Store things there if he is ok with it

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[Olanza-what?]

May I suggest that you gather your thoughts and concerns. Write them down. Make sure you address every concern. Try keeping questions short and direct, jot down answers, be open to his possible objections and be clear with yours.

Sounds like there is a lot of history here and though the relationship may have changed the friendship hasn't. Talk to him. Make sure you are rested, have taken your meds and have eaten and same goes for him before you talk. Clear cut questions will bring clear cut answers.

Do you love me?
Do you want to try this relationship again?

Take care of yourself and your heart. You may be still volunerable and may trigger easy, so make sure you are up to it and in a good place mentally. Be prepared for the unespected both good and or bad. Have a plan for your well being (living arrangements, shelter, support).

I personally think he likes/loves you still and doesn't want you to go or he would have taken measures to remove you from his home. Not knowing where you are in the "relationship" maybe what is most disturbing, especially if you are unable to tell from conversations, body language. Just sit down and talk with him.

[Rose76]

I agree that going back where you came from is not a great idea. That wasn't really working for you in the past.

For the next three months, I think you ought to stay right where you are. This guy is providing you with some refuge and it sounds like it's helping you.

You can't turn your feelings off . . . and he can't turn his on. So be respectful of the distance he is maintaining from you, and don't pressure him for more closeness. Just absorb the warmth of his friendship for now. Work your program, stay clean and sober, and stop thinking longterm. Just continue being helpful around the house and be a good guest. Do that for a few months, then re-evaluate the whole situation. Sometimes, we just have to grope our way from day to day, not knowing where it's ultimately taking us. It's okay to do that. Not knowing the future won't kill you. Let go of wanting to know. Just concentrate on your sobriety.

This guy is providing some friendship. Appreciate that. If you decide you have to have more, you're going to end up out of there. Then you'll gravitate toward a guy who will be sexual with you . . . . and, most likely, also abusive. It will not be a change for the better.

You are not ready to be in an intimate relationship right now. This guy you're staying with is actually being the best kind of a friend that you need right now. He cares more than you realize, but he is wisely backing off to give you room to clean up your act.

I was going to suggest AA, but, as you may already now, that comes with its own dangers. You'ld probably be preyed upon by the unscrupulous types that wander in there. Get more time sober first.

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

See if you can store your things with him for the time being, and tell your treatment social workers that you need help finding a place to live.

I think he has been nice to you because he wants you to be emotionally stable. I don't think he wants a relationship with you.

Thank you. I did ask to store my things here. Before I ended up in the hospital. I don't have social workers, however I've been getting answers elsewhere to figure out next move. I know I cannot continue staying here. I know he cares. But it's not good for either of us. Not when I have the feelings I do.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Are you healed enough to look for work? That way you could save the money to get into another place.
You could also look for work as a live-in nanny. Providing you with a place to live and spending money. Or a house sitter that cares for the pets.

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I agree that going back where you came from is not a great idea. That wasn't really working for you in the past.

For the next three months, I think you ought to stay right where you are. This guy is providing you with some refuge and it sounds like it's helping you.

You can't turn your feelings off . . . and he can't turn his on. So be respectful of the distance he is maintaining from you, and don't pressure him for more closeness. Just absorb the warmth of his friendship for now. Work your program, stay clean and sober, and stop thinking longterm. Just continue being helpful around the house and be a good guest. Do that for a few months, then re-evaluate the whole situation. Sometimes, we just have to grope our way from day to day, not knowing where it's ultimately taking us. It's okay to do that. Not knowing the future won't kill you. Let go of wanting to know. Just concentrate on your sobriety.

This guy is providing some friendship. Appreciate that. If you decide you have to have more, you're going to end up out of there. Then you'll gravitate toward a guy who will be sexual with you . . . . and, most likely, also abusive. It will not be a change for the better.

You are not ready to be in an intimate relationship right now. This guy you're staying with is actually being the best kind of a friend that you need right now. He cares more than you realize, but he is wisely backing off to give you room to clean up your act.

I was going to suggest AA, but, as you may already now, that comes with its own dangers. You'ld probably be preyed upon by the unscrupulous types that wander in there. Get more time sober first.

I want to say thank you very much. Your comment really means a lot to me. As you have recommended, so did my treatment team at the hospital(3 months). Actually it may have something to do with why they kept me so long. They wanted to be sure releasing me to him would be ok. Going back to where I came from was not an option they wanted to pursue, however neither was a shelter because of my panic disorder. They monitored my daily visits with him. The reason why they didn't want to release me to him either was because of his mixed signals. I was still pretty fragile when I was released. I have come a very long way in my recovery. The alcohol was self medication, I do not know how to put that any better. I do not think about drinking whatsoever. Just recovery. I've been completely honest with my doctors, however it took until the past two weeks to even start seeing anyone other than my therapist since I was released from the hospital the end of January. I just had a med change and I'm thinking that may be the issue right now. It's making me depressed so I need to inform my med doc, however I'm not sure if it's the meds or because of the anniversary of my baby's passing. So i will give it another week. I do realize he cares very much. He is being a great friend. It's the mixed signals that get to me and I need to just ignore them. Yeah and no I went with my mom to AA and no cannot do it. I do go to DBSA groups twice a week. There is a member there that lives close by me if I need a friend. Plus I have a great friend I've met through here. I really wish I just hadn't posted this at all. I was not in my right mind. And yes I'm still sober. Again, thank you.

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Are you healed enough to look for work? That way you could save the money to get into another place.
You could also look for work as a live-in nanny. Providing you with a place to live and spending money. Or a house sitter that cares for the pets.

I was really hoping that my pdoc would say yes to that. But she said no. And switched around my meds. My moods were still jumping around, however to me, my depression felt line it was almost completely gone. But, I had seem my pcp first, I asked her if she would prescribe me Chantix. She said she couldn't do it without my pdocs approval because my depression test came back too high. She also said I needed to have them put me on something else for anxiety, and sleep. I was having very vivid nightmares that woke me up constantly. I told her that I quit taking the trazadone for bed and the nightmares appear to have stopped but I still wake up 3 times a night. The pdoc said my mood swings are what is concerning her, so she is weaning me off of the neurontin and put me on Latuda. Nothing for anxiety until she sees how the latuda does, so unless something bad happens she said she will see me in 4 weeks and we can discuss the work program, and anxiety meds. As for sleep she said the latuda should work. So far no. I'm just feeling more depressed. Which could be because of the date. We'll see what happens next week. If it doesn't improve I'm going back. Don't know how many more walls are left to scrub to distract my mind. 😊