Why? & Strategies

Hello All --

On Sunday, I was supposed to go to a potluck supper and prayer circle. A half-hour before leaving, I copped out.

Two people I know well were in town, after moving away a year ago. I looked forward to it. A friend emailed, asking where I'd been. The visitors wanted to see me, too, apparently. I wasn't even courteous enough to call and let anyone know I wasn't coming.

We weren't having a subtropical late afternoon downpour that floods the roads. I wasn't ill, tired, or busy. I've done things like this in the past, and one time I was ranked out by a person for being so discourteous. I'd be miffed if someone did this to me.

I am coming off of several years of paralyzing depression. I wasn't always this way, but a lot of my previous sociability was alcohol-fueled, or I was part of a couple, and that made getting out easier. After some introspection, I feel two underlying currents. First, low self-esteem: no one will miss me, it doesn't matter whether I go or not. Second, anxiety, close to fear but not panic.

I make up all kinds of excuses:
<ul type="square">
I don't feel like it (after looking forward to it for a week, and I still think I should have);[/list]<ul type="square">I'm not sure where the apartment is (the directions were clear; I always get where I need to go);[/list]<ul type="square">I'm going to be late (no one would care);[/list]<ul type="square">I don't like the prayer circle so much (it's brief, and that wasn't the point of going); and so forth.[/list]Excuses -- not good reasons.

I wish I could figure out why I do this -- the last-minute cop out, the rudeness of not even calling. And how do I get myself to stop? It's so last-minute; my mind plays tricks and the excuses seem reasonable at the time that I go through this experience. I hadn't been debating with myself throughut the week about whether to go or not; I wanted to go.

Idas anyone?

(((((Wants)))))

I'm not entirely sure either.... This could be wrong, but are you scared or anxious about going for any particular reason? Like is there someone there that rubs you up the wrong way, or asks you uncomfortable questions or something like that?

It could be the depression... it tends to isolate people and make them feel like they don't deserve to have friends at all... was there any of that going on?

If you regret the choice you made could you arrange to see some or all of the people later on, maybe in a more neutral relaxed environment like a cafe or something?

(((((((((((Wants2Fly))))))))))

It could be the depression? It could also be you have been hurt when you were in a group of people? It could also be you are scare to be stuck out of your home?

I hope you feel better soon!

Wants, it sounds like your self-talk is working. You seemed to reason out your excuses well. Maybe at this point it's a matter of putting one foot in front of the other while you continue to tell yourself "this is what I want to do. I know I will enjoy myself once I get there." It seems that this is what you were thinking, but you couldn't get your feet to move.

SBD

Good ideas. I did more self-work on this in my journal this morning. I also noticed that I'm not anxious about meeting one or two people -- only when going into a larger group. I firmly believe that becoming self-aware of the first step. Now that I know that I am "going unconscious" and accepting distorted self-talk as legitimate "good reasons," I hope I will be able to do what you say, Daisy -- replace the silly reasons with positive self-talk and put one foot in front of the other go.

Sometimes I tell myself, "It's only for an hour," and if it's torture, I say good-bye and just go. I can always manage an hour, and I often wind up enjoying myself, being glad I went, and wondering why I made such a big deal out of it.

Wants2, I understand what you are going through. Even though I'm not in a depression at the moment, I will sometimes do exactly the same thing. I will look forward to an upcoming event, then when it gets here, I will cop out or will battle with myself about whether or not I will go. It doesn't make sense to me and I don't really understand what or why I'm feeling that way. Maybe for me it's a kind of social anxiety??? I really have no idea *sigh* Wish I could give you some positive feedback other than to say, good for you for trying to analyze the issue. That is taking a step in the right direction. Be patient with yourself and know that you are working toward a resolution, not just hiding it all away.

Hugssssss
J

WANTS, have you been reading my mail? Can you imagine the agony that I was in at my photography show opening? I alternated between thinking I could slit my throat with my truck key or feeling like I was going to bolt.......

It's depression, it's lack of self-esteem, it's because we aren't "out" there now the way we used to be. We used to be "social" and now I'm lucky to have my morning coffee with the cats watching.

I sympathize more than you can know. I am invited to a huge party, Saturday night, 20 miles from here and you know darned good and well that I'm not going. I'm scared to......... love you much.

I know one that for sure. When I lost my contact, by moving, with all of my fellow Indians, it took a lot of confidence out of me. I was a part of a huge, huge group of people and it went without saving that their love and friendship was unconditional. If you only knew what I'd give to go to a powwow. a rodeo. Alas, Texas is probably the worst state for that. I can't even FIND an Indian here......

Thank you Sabau and Fayerody for responding. There's a certain comfort in knowing that this effect of "going unconscious" at the last minute and not going is something that has been experienced by someone else. Or that circulating later in life isn't as easy-breezy as it might have been at earlier times in our lives.

I am so sorry that you are missing your Indian friends, Pat. I hope someday that I have the means to travel, perhaps take in such a gathering with you. That would be fun. Or even just getting to meet you for coffee with the cats watching.