[jrae]

I’m not very good with people and relationships and things like that. so I wanted to ask for some advice or suggestions on a situation that happened and how I should go about handling it.

so I’m a pretty quiet individual, a strong introvert, and a very private person. hardly anyone actually knows about me and my mental illness and what it’s like having it and going thru it. but I took a chance on a friend and shared some extremely personal things with them, thinking they might understand at least somewhat. but the response I got back from them, wow…

my initial reaction was anger and being pissed that they could say such things to me. and I know better than to write a message when you’re angry or really emotional because once you send it (written or voice), there’s no taking it back. so now that I’m calmed down somewhat, I should figure out the best response.

I’ll try to explain things as best as I can. and for my privacy, I won’t just copy and paste the message. but here goes… (I’ll put my reactions/comments in [ ]. )

first off, she criticized where I’m living and why I’m there! [if you know ANYTHING about me, you know this is the best place for me to be right now - so I’m way pissed at that] then she made fun of my disability cuz I’m not able to do a job, saying things like “I never ever had the option not to work”. and she rambled on about stuff like that. [holy **** man, you think it is an option?! my god, then you actually don’t know anything about having a debilitating mental illness!]

the worst part of the whole thing is this, she says, “You are living the life of the charmed.” [really?!? you honestly think the he** I go throw on a daily basis is a ‘charmed life’?? holy **** - it’s like a punch in the gut and a slap in the face!]

and who the he** are you to tell me that I haven’t done enough treatment or tried enough options?!? you have NO IDEA what I have been thru, what I’ve done, or the toll it has taken on me!! and then she says, “I should delete this whole rant.....lol I'm just tired. Tomorrow though I have to get my *** out of bed and go to work.” [I think the last part of that was like a sucker punch towards me.]

one of my questions is, if you had second guesses about the message BEFORE you sent it, then why the he** would you send it?? it’s the digital age - write something down, leave it sit until your emotions cool down and then come back to it. re-read it over and if that is actually what you want to say, then send it. if not, make changes first before sending it!!! cuz once it’s out there, you can’t take it back! am I right??? that’s why sooo many people get into trouble with tweets and posts and things like that.

so how should I respond to this message?? I have not said anything to this person since I got her message. as you can tell, I’m really hurt by it and get very defensive at times. and I may never forget some of the hurtful words and phrases she used!

I kinda guess there are like five possible responses to this message. one - I could pretend that it didn’t happen, that I wasn’t hurt by it, and just whatever. two - I could fire back at her, saying what I need to say and if it ends up hurting them, so be it. (they apparently didn’t consider that when they sent their message in the first place!) three - I could just not talk to them again and just leave it at that. four - I could give her another chance and simply ask if that is truly what she meant to say to me or not. or five - some thing inbetween numbers two and three!

so … any thoughts or suggestions or words of advice or something like that?????

[healingme4me]

First, I am sorry to realize that this post sat here for so long. I was scrolling through to check a months worth of posts to make certain nothing slipped through the cracks. For that my apologies. I suspect that some of the deleted requested threads tossed off the query us Liasons can do on unanswered threads.

But holy cow, some nerve of this person to give such a judgemental load of crock after you were honest about your disability. Honestly it's not like people wake up one day and say hey, I'll just collect disability and doctors readily agree. Geesh, ignorance on that persons perspective. How sad to have no clue how the world works!

Maybe a polite but terse reply would suffice, then wipe your hands clean??

Since this was posted earlier this month, is it safe to assume that you've already chosen your response? How did that go?

[divine1966]

I was convinced that I replied to this thread. I sometimes type replies but somehow forget to send them!

This person doesn't seem to be a friend as friends wouldn't do that. What does she know?! "Life of the charmed?" I actually have met people like that in life who assume others have it easier than them ( it is often the other way around). Same as healing I wonder how did things go? And if you replied?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Chyialee]

Wow. What an incredibly thoughtless person!

Okay, here's a take: This person is mad at you bc SHE "has to work" and YOU don't -- and that's all that's filling her vision/sense right now. (how nice for her, right?)

BTDT, w/friends & family both, when I was put on disability at the ripe old age of 39. They were shocked, and said some seriously mean things out of just plain not understanding what-all was going on. Me, I'd have been delighted to continue working; loved my job, loved (for the most part) my staff, could deal well w/my director who was a v difficult man (patting self on back) and made very nice money indeed. POOF, all gone.

That, as you know, is tough enough to deal with, without the added slap of other ppl's completely unsupportive reactions.

We are already in enough of a tizz-spin emotionally & practically speaking, our lives have undergone serious upheaval, and imo it's disorienting. I'm so sorry this person is such an unsympathetic idiot. (sorry ). No wonder you're feeling assaulted.

How would you like to respond? I'd be tempted to say sthg like "Okay, I get it that you resent the fact that I am not working now. Let me be clear: I CANNOT work atm. I live where I do bc that's what's best for me right now. I am doing what I'm capable of for RIGHT NOW. So are you and one thing you are not capable of, clearly, is understanding and support of someone else's situation. See ya."

lol Yeah I'm a lil ticked, too.

Look, you know this person. If she's this cold about anything that's not relatable to where she is and what SHE is doing, surely there've been signs of it elsewhere? Is she ever empathetic?

J/W.

Plese take care of yourself. Explaining yourself over & over to ppl in your life who firmly refuse to get a clue, is exhausting. Don't let her wear you out, K?

Best,
Chyia, fuming arrgh

I would email them back stating the facts that you received their message and thank them for emailing you. i would also say that you were taken back by their inability to understand your MI disability that you are going through. I would say you are sorry you bothered her due to her not being able to comprehend what you are going through and that you won't bother her again in the future with it.
Then see how she responds... if she comes back apologizing fine, you still have a friend. This email will educate her unjudgingly that what she said was inappropriate. And if she gets it great. If not then that is the way she will continue to be. Are you just putting up with it for the ability to talk to a human being or are you willing to let it go and find new friends? That is growth and it takes effort but the rewards are great.
I am saying don't give up on people cause we all can say and do things reacting out like her... the above mentioned sent to her might give you the reply to understand just how she feels about things... and then you can go from there.. .tc (((hugs)))

[jrae]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

First, I am sorry to realize that this post sat here for so long. I was scrolling through to check a months worth of posts to make certain nothing slipped through the cracks. For that my apologies. I suspect that some of the deleted requested threads tossed off the query us Liasons can do on unanswered threads.

thanks, and it's okay. I actually just thought that people didn't know how to respond to this and just figured I wouldn't get any replies. so thanks for not 'letting it slip thru the cracks'.

[jrae]

I honestly didn't do a reply (yet). I kinda hoped that she would realize on her own the potential hurtfulness of her words and say something to me first, but that didn't happen. (you know, without me pointing it out to her)

and there's a great song that I know that talks about the impact words can have on people, impact in a good way or bad way, and I thought about just sending her the link for that song and nothing else. you know, just to gauge her reaction, but haven't yet. I kinda know one response she could say to that, something like I made a mistake, I shouldn't have sent it, I'm not perfect... the thing is, I'm not sure I would believe that, considering she had doubts about sending it beforehand but did it anyways. which already kinda tells me something...

and I've had a lot of other things I've been dealing with lately, like car crash injuries and pain and possible treatment options for that. so it's not like I've been dwelling on it or lost much sleep over it. but you know, it does piss a person off when they get treated like that! which by the way, thanks to you all for your shared outrage on this - I kinda thought I was over-reacting or maybe making a big deal out of something that wasn't... so, a big

[jrae]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

...

But holy cow, some nerve of this person to give such a judgemental load of crock after you were honest about your disability. Honestly it's not like people wake up one day and say hey, I'll just collect disability and doctors readily agree. Geesh, ignorance on that persons perspective. How sad to have no clue how the world works!

Maybe a polite but terse reply would suffice, then wipe your hands clean??

the really sad thing is, she's had some hard times before (from what she told me), which is why I even took the chance in the first place and shared that extremely personal stuff with her. cuz I thought for sure, she might be able to understand, at least on some level.

she's actually more of a friend to my aunt than me, which is how I know her. (so she's older and actually has kids my age) so I'm assuming she would have at least heard a few things from my aunt, to SHOW her that this is no 'stunt', so to speak.

but maybe it's just like you said, people have their ignorance and judgements. that's the way they are - nothing we can do about it...

[jrae]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I was convinced that I replied to this thread. I sometimes type replies but somehow forget to send them!

This person doesn't seem to be a friend as friends wouldn't do that. What does she know?! "Life of the charmed?" I actually have met people like that in life who assume others have it easier than them ( it is often the other way around). Same as healing I wonder how did things go? And if you replied?

thanks for not forgetting and for double checking to make sure the reply was sent! it is much appreciated!

unfortunately, I've met people like that before too. and they are frustrating to be around, to say the least! but I would not have guessed this person would have been like that.

and honestly, I don't know what to do (in terms of a response). at times, I kinda don't care either way what happens. but if crap like that is going to continue to happen, not sure I even want to be around for that, ya know?!

[jrae]

Originally Posted by Chyialee

Wow. What an incredibly thoughtless person!

Okay, here's a take: This person is mad at you bc SHE "has to work" and YOU don't -- and that's all that's filling her vision/sense right now. (how nice for her, right?)

BTDT, w/friends & family both, when I was put on disability at the ripe old age of 39. They were shocked, and said some seriously mean things out of just plain not understanding what-all was going on. Me, I'd have been delighted to continue working; loved my job, loved (for the most part) my staff, could deal well w/my director who was a v difficult man (patting self on back) and made very nice money indeed. POOF, all gone.

That, as you know, is tough enough to deal with, without the added slap of other ppl's completely unsupportive reactions.

We are already in enough of a tizz-spin emotionally & practically speaking, our lives have undergone serious upheaval, and imo it's disorienting. I'm so sorry this person is such an unsympathetic idiot. (sorry ). No wonder you're feeling assaulted.

How would you like to respond? I'd be tempted to say sthg like "Okay, I get it that you resent the fact that I am not working now. Let me be clear: I CANNOT work atm. I live where I do bc that's what's best for me right now. I am doing what I'm capable of for RIGHT NOW. So are you and one thing you are not capable of, clearly, is understanding and support of someone else's situation. See ya."

lol Yeah I'm a lil ticked, too.

Look, you know this person. If she's this cold about anything that's not relatable to where she is and what SHE is doing, surely there've been signs of it elsewhere? Is she ever empathetic?

J/W.

Plese take care of yourself. Explaining yourself over & over to ppl in your life who firmly refuse to get a clue, is exhausting. Don't let her wear you out, K?

Best,
Chyia, fuming arrgh

first paragraph, thanks cuz that actually makes sense to me.

second paragraph - I completely understand. (and i'll be 31 in two weeks) I wish I could do things like that, be an active part of this world and have a 'regular' life, doing the things that others usually do. but I doubt I ever will, sadly.

and you're right. people who don't understand what it's like, never will and can react pretty poorly because of that. I went thru the same ***. but to avoid some hurt and unkind reactions, I just don't tell most people about my MI disability. they won't be able to understand, I simply can't explain it in a way that will help them to understand, and it actually puts more pressure and stress on me trying to keep going thru that. that's why for most people I meet or are a minor part of my life, I just use a 'cover-story'. works best for both sides and its not like they even care that much - they are just nosey and this helps both us sleep better at night. ya know?!

I had the hardest time with my parents, as they thought I should be more like my other three siblings and doing the 'regular' things that they were. after years of trying, I just stopped talking to them about my MI cuz it was too exhausting. (me always having to defend myself and trying to explain, knowing they'd never be able to understand) and what made my family worse, is my one sister is a nurse. (if you don't get what that implies, basically its just my parents thought they had the 'inside' track on health info and what to do about things)

unfortunately, I've come across a lot of 'unsympathetic idiots'. I have an uncle who is one of those. and when you get blind-sided by their rants and reactions, it really makes you second guess people in this world. ('feeling assaulted' would be an understatement)

and thanks, that's a good response idea. I'm just not sure. I'm not good with these types of confrontation. the email I got from her was almost two months ago, and she hasn't said anything to me since then. what does that tell you?! (and she knows about my injuries and that I'm still having problems from them) granted, I haven't said anything either, but I'm not the one who flew off the handle and said things like that, or never bothered to check back afterwards, or even anything else.

its things like this that really show who people are, right? that's why if I have to say something to someone (verbal or written) that may come off as potentially not how I want it to sound, I usually run it by someone else first. that way I can ask- how does that sound, would they be offended if I said that, or what else should I say...

and so again,

[jrae]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

I would email them back stating the facts that you received their message and thank them for emailing you. i would also say that you were taken back by their inability to understand your MI disability that you are going through. I would say you are sorry you bothered her due to her not being able to comprehend what you are going through and that you won't bother her again in the future with it.
Then see how she responds... if she comes back apologizing fine, you still have a friend. This email will educate her unjudgingly that what she said was inappropriate. And if she gets it great. If not then that is the way she will continue to be. Are you just putting up with it for the ability to talk to a human being or are you willing to let it go and find new friends? That is growth and it takes effort but the rewards are great.
I am saying don't give up on people cause we all can say and do things reacting out like her... the above mentioned sent to her might give you the reply to understand just how she feels about things... and then you can go from there.. .tc (((hugs)))

thank you for your response and great insights.

I really don't know. I live in such a rural area that finding people is hard. and I'm not a very social person (plus this community has been quite hard on me in the past). and I don't have many friends - like maybe three to be exact. (and I say 'maybe' cuz I'm not sure about this person who emailed me the message in question)

my two friends live three hours from me, which makes it very hard to see them or get together and hang out or do anything together. and they are busy with their own lives, one just got a new job and is doing a lot of traveling for that and the other has a one year old kid and his wife really doesn't like me (long story). but they have known me for like thirteen years.

and this lady, she also lives three hours away and is super busy with her own life. as in like a bf, kids and grandkids, working, plus her other life activities. and we've really only known each other for a few years and not all that well, since the communication is not that often.

for all the other people I use to have has friends, when things fell apart for me years ago, it was easier for them to just not talk to me anymore and just move on with their lives and me to do the same.

and so 'human contact' is not really something that I crave, but it would be nice to have friends. but if those people don't understand what it is you deal with on a daily basis and their actions / words / behavior towards you is negative because of that, then it's probably better to not have that negative impact in your life. it's just sad cuz you think you find someone who may actually understand what the whole struggle with an MI is like, someone you could actually visit and maybe confide in for some help and supportiveness (maybe even do visits or activities with for moral boosting), and then it all blows up in your face, so to speak.

would I be okay with losing another friend? probably as I have gotten so use to it over the years. and I have trust issues, especially when it comes to confiding in people. once you lose that trust, odds are pretty high that you won't get it back. so even if we were to remain on speaking terms, I doubt I would ever confide in her again. sounds sad, I know.

friendships (or any relationship for that matter) are a two-way street. both sides have to put in the effort and be willing to put in the first step. if one side doesn't do that, how can the friendship last? in other words, if this lady doesn't say anything to me in a while (like taking the first step), does that show she's okay with letting things go, like it's just not worth her effort and time???

[Chyialee]

Hi J.

How's it going by now?

Just wanted to let you know that I winced when I read the bit about your sis being a nurse. My family is likewise stuffed with health professional: BIL is an MD, godfather & 4 cousins ditto, and there are a number of nurses as well. And my late husband's best friend, and my friend as well,, is a physician. Sometimes that's a good thing bc can phone up and say, "Hi hon, whaddaya know about this...?" But-- sometimes, oh ouch! lol smh

Pls don't let any of your medical-background folk intimidate you. But I do get how tiring it can be!

xo
Chyia

[jrae]

hello Chyia,

thanks for the message. how are you doing?

things are okay, I guess. still haven't made any decisions on the friend who's message was discussed. just not sure and maybe I just don't care or want to go thru all that - who knows.

just spending some quality time with my pets. I have one batch of baby kittens, about 3 1/2 weeks old now. and I have another mom cat ready to pop anytime soon.

back to your 'family' comments - thanks, its great to know that people can really understand. it was hard for a few years, having people around me telling me what I should be doing medically and stuff like that. but eventually, I decided it was for me - my body, my MI, my struggle, which makes it my decision and my choice since I'm the only one going thru it! it can be lonely as h*** a fair amount of the time, but it is what it is.

I have one sibling who is a nurse and one who is a vet-tech. the difficult part was the 'holier than thou' relatives I have in my family - meaning having this MI was almost my fault or that I did something wrong. still dealing with all that sh**.

and then there's the rural community I live in, which is the same one I grew up in. so although I didn't have a bunch of medical professionals in my family, it meant that my mom could make a doc apt and 'make' me go to it saying it was just a routine check-up or whatever, and then I get ambushed by the doc once I was there because my mom had told her what the real reason was that I should be there. no joke - true story!

some people in this world...

[Chyialee]

Yeow! Holy Ambush, batman!

SMH. Yeah, I'm right there with you. My parents were famous for similar tactics -- all with the very best intentions, mind you.

That only lasted until my goofy geeky Aspie self got angry enough to dig in my heels and announce that I'd have no more of that, thank you, and was capable of making it stick.

What I did NOT realize fully at the time, is what you've sadly come to know all too well: Other folks are also capable of these sorts of swoop-attacks. My least fave of all is called "Borrowing Authority", as in, :" Oh Chyia guess what, you know my friend N. is a neurologist and HE SAYS xxx yyy asddghkdhjfhks!! about your seizure disorder, and that you should definitely NOT be taking xxxyyyasdhlkfjdkljs!!"

* Chyia covers head protectively, puts fingers in ears and runs from room *

So yeah. Second-hand knowledge is bogus imo -- and no longer allowed bc it IS a control mechanism in my personal experience.

I am not patient with that sort of sabotage attempt. SO yeah, "holier-than thou", as you said.....and it's a power-trip by any other name!

xo

Chyia the grump

I wonder because of the fact that you say she's had some really hard times if she's not projecting like, hey I went through hard times and I handled it this way, no one supported me, I didn't have the option of disability, etc etc etc (or whatever. I felt a little angry during my worst depression that disability wasn't an option for me because, man, going to work in my state was a nightmare. But that's not to say others shouldn't be utilizing it!)

Anyway, the fact that she doesn't have the ability to self-reflect and realize that maybe she was being hurtful makes me feel like maybe you're better off just moving on.

[jrae]

hey Chyia,

thanks for the response. some times all you can do is say, 'some people these days' and shake your head. right?!

and when I said 'holier-than-thou', I was referring to it in the religious aspect. I have an uncle who is like, how do I phrase this... he's one of those religious type people that are like an over-the-top, almost obsessed bible/religion nut. (and I'm a christian so I do believe) my point is- long-story short, this past year at the family xmas for my mom's side (like 15+ people), he didn't even talk to me. (other than to say 'I guess we should call you crashie now', right after he walked in the door - cuz i was in a car crash in October)

so whatever. I think I would rather have the medical talk than that...

[jrae]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I wonder because of the fact that you say she's had some really hard times if she's not projecting like, hey I went through hard times and I handled it this way, no one supported me, I didn't have the option of disability, etc etc etc (or whatever. I felt a little angry during my worst depression that disability wasn't an option for me because, man, going to work in my state was a nightmare. But that's not to say others shouldn't be utilizing it!)

Anyway, the fact that she doesn't have the ability to self-reflect and realize that maybe she was being hurtful makes me feel like maybe you're better off just moving on.

thanks. now that you say that, it actually kinda makes sense. cuz she seemed to be sympathetic and kinda understanding at the beginning.

and your suggestion sounds good to me. I mean, it's been over two months now. and I have sooo many other things on my plate and apparently I seem to be okay just letting things go. I know I don't need the extra stress and hurt that the first month did to me (after reading her message to me)!

but who knows. maybe if she reaches out to me and one day realizes the hurt she caused, then maybe i'll see about things. but for now, maybe I am okay with radio-silence...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Jrae... while reading this thread I for serious panicked for moment if I had written it in some dissociative state! No Joke! WOW! It's seriously uncanny how much I have lived pretty much exactly every word u have said! N i don't even know what type of MI you suffer from probably completely different than mine but we Def share some wavelength! Crazy! Hit me up whenever!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I hope that didn't come off as weird N creepy.... I'm not a creepy weirdo I swear! Lol your thread just really spoke to me.

[Talthybius]

In my opinion, you never tell a friend you have mental illness. Only people that keep medical secrets as part of their profession and maybe blood family.

If they don't have mental illness or have a different mental illness, they will never understand how you feel and the natural reaction will be offensive and come across inconsiderate.

People want friends to improve their own mental health. They want people they perceive to be more mentally healthy than themselves, so that will have a good influence on their own mental health.

Originally Posted by Talthybius

In my opinion, you never tell a friend you have mental illness. Only people that keep medical secrets as part of their profession and maybe blood family.

If they don't have mental illness or have a different mental illness, they will never understand how you feel and the natural reaction will be offensive and come across inconsiderate.

People want friends to improve their own mental health. They want people they perceive to be more mentally healthy than themselves, so that will have a good influence on their own mental health.

I was going to type a knee-jerk response disagreeing with this but then I was like, no...this is pretty accurate. Because I couldn't think of any of my friendships which were made better by my disclosing my mental illness. I don't necessarily think that extends to serious dating relationships, because I think that someone who is (or might be) getting involved with you on that level has a right to know. But I do tread lightly these days when it comes to my friendships. They know I have some depression issues seasonally, but they don't know the extent of my depression, and no one knows anything about the BPD stuff or anything deeper.