[lilypup]

I know I will get a lot of grief on this post, so bring it on.
I am 56 and have bipolar 2 with psychotic features. We have three kids and have been married 30 years. Even though I have been sick the kids have had a good stable life.
My 28 YO has a Masters and is a teacher.
My 25 YO has a degree and is working in insurance making good money.
Then we come to my 22 YO.
This kid has always had trouble in school since age 2. He was diagnosed ADD and took meds for a while. He wanted to drop out of regular high school to attend a "special" half day school. He did graduate.
He then decided to drop out of life for a year and smoke pot and work at McDonald's. He hated that.
We made him a deal. If he would move home and go to college, we'd fund him.
He got his associate's degree at the community college. He is now working on 1 1/2 more years to get his 4 year degree.
This all sounds good, right?
This what we do for him:
-cover all room and board
-provide a car (pay for repairs when necessary)
-cover all tuition and books
-allowance: $85 per week
-special cooking (he is a vegetarian)
-dad takes him on activities
-i've even done his laundry when he got too far behind

He does not lift a finger around the house. He is unappreciative and rarely says thank you. If his car is broken, we loan him one of ours till it is fixed.

His lowest grade right now is an 86. That is good.

Our goal is to get his 4 year degree. I am afraid if we kicked him out he'd be on drugs. He also is involved in doing "beats"? and enjoys that.

All of this is wearing on my mental state.

Any advice?

-

I just wrote a post (and deleted it) about my own four adult kids...

You are not alone with the frustration of seeming to have to parent for the rest of your life. I'm tired. Really tired. I have four and it surprises me that even though they were all raised the same, they are all totally different. And I don't just mean in the obvious ways. One is more sensitive, one is more ambitious, one has more internal struggles than another, one I have to watch like a hawk because she won't verbalize her worries, the list goes on and on.

I wanted you to know that you are not alone and I'm sorry that I have no advice for you, except that you are doing the best you can and keep doing it.
They sound like good kids and probably the youngest is taking a little longer to mature than the other 2.

[lilypup]

Thanks...I greatly appreciate the support. It helps to know I am not alone.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Stop babying him. Bottom line. Allowance too?! Omg. Do you have a spare room available??? Lol. But really you need to stop treating him like a child and let him leave the nest OR at least pay rent and do work around the house.

Question is, why are you doing this? Is the fear of drugs the only reason? He's an adult and he's going to do what he wants and just because he lives in your home doesn't mean you can keep him under a rock from drugs. Are you just sympathetic about his learning problems? That's something that can be controlled and not an excuse for laziness or to be spoiled over.

You mention your own mental health. You really need to put yourself first here. He's an adult and honestly, if my dad paid my way I'd still be at home too. I think your son is taking advantage of you. He needs to get a job and learn independence and respect for you.

Please don't be offended by my words I was just being honest here and you've helped me out in my posts so I just returned the favor ((hugs))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lilypup]

No, RxQueen...I totally hear what you are saying.
I am talking to his dad about setting a firm deadline for a job.
I really think he can work and go to school both, especially if we help him at home.
I am going to talk to son and let him know if the appreciation isn't there, neither will be the funds.
You're right...if he's going to do drugs he will. He is 22.

[Nammu]

I'd give him a deadline on finding a job and tell him when the deadline comes there will be no more allowance. Then do stop the allowance. He has transportation to school and he has his bills covered anything else he wants he needs to fund himself, including clothing and special food. He can eat what's on the table or make it himself. Doesn't need to be an all or nothing deal of kicking him out, but the extras are on him.

[OfficeWarrior]

So... what's your complaint exactly?

Is it that he's spoiled or that he's a slacker on the housekeeping?

If it's A, then i'd say stop spoiling him (cause you're doing it right now!), and if it's B, then i'd say give him time... allow him to live on his own, in an apartment, drowning in his own filth for while. Sooner or later he'll learn the benefits of a neat house. He'll especially learn those things once he realizes that the time for slacking off and living in messy places has come and gone, and that at this time in his life (whenever that is) having a messy house doesn't say anything about you other than that you're a slacker, and that's not a good thing.

So yeah, give it time, and stop spoiling him ffs. It's not cause you drop out of college that your life is ruined. It'll just take longer to get back on track, but guess what; that time is going to be full of valuable life lessons, including the one about how you were a spoiled brat before.

[Bill3]

If he has gotten his associates degree and currently his lowest grade is an 86, then he and you are doing well in advancing his college education. And this is with a student who has had learning difficulties and brought himself back from dropping out of his life.

Exercise great care in choosing how to rock this boat.

How did you handle funding the college education of your other two children?

If you paid for that, then a big chunk of what you are doing is giving him the same thing that you gave the other two: support while he attends college.

If he is living at home, presumably he needs the car. Did you pay for a dormitory for your other children? The car is a comparable expense for a child who lives at home.

What activities does he do with his father?

The allowance strikes me as quite excessive. If you are concerned about drugs, cutting that back would be a positive step. But: How did your other children obtain spending money while they were in college? If you gave them spending money, in my opinion it is hard to argue that he should have none.

I agree that he should have a job and especially that he should help out around the house. However, the fact is that you as parents created this situation, I am guessing out of fear of drug use. Therefore, in adjusting it now, in my opinion you must not come at him as if he is irresponsible or is lazy simply because he does what you have all along allowed him to do. Rather, in my view a better approach would be to compliment him on his progress in education to date and simply state that in your view he is ready to take on these additional responsibilities.

However you adjust the situation, it should be done in a spirit of encouragement, support, and confidence in him--not in a spirit of frustration, resentment, anger, and dissatisfaction. As I said, exercise great care in choosing how to rock this boat.

[lilypup]

Thank you sincerely, Bill. You make a lot of very valid points. Thank you for your well thought out and generous response.

We have a son who dealt with ADHD and multiple problems in learning, etc. through school. He is 20 and working on his schooling and doing well now. We are at this point grateful school is going well since there was a point my only goal for him was to get him out of high school with a diploma ALIVE -- I do not exaggerate when I say that. He has always been a bit slower to find his direction; that's his personality and learning style, but he does get there. He and I were talking just yesterday. He has a plan for school that will probably take him another year. It won't be a 4-year degree, but it will get him some employable skills and he feels good about that. He said he's learned in college that he CAN do more than he ever thought he could, so his confidence is stronger now than it was at the end of high school.

He isn't working yet, but mostly that is due to our circumstances. We only have one car at this point, so it is hard for him to even get a job. However, we will be finally able to get a 2nd vehicle this summer and he plans to get a job at that point. But he has not sat idle. His contribution to the family and "job" this last year has been to do all of the driving and chauffeuring of the rest of us to our places of school and employment which truly is a significant contribution and occupies a great deal of his time outside of school. We don't give him an allowance, but he does live with us so his room and board at this point are his "pay" for his help with the driving. He also helps with the laundry, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, etc.

He has a plan to finish his schooling that should lead him to being on his own in a couple of years. I'm okay with that at this point. As soon as he gets his job this summer, he'll assist in paying for car insurance and gas.

I would encourage you to insist your son at least get a job while he goes to school to help pay for his books and then the allowance won't be needed either. He should have some responsibilities around the house. Our family has learned we all have to contribute to make this work --- particularly with the one car situation. It sounds like your son has an educational plan. In the meantime though, get him to work and at least financially contribute to his education and at least some other expenses and chores.

[Perna]

I would have a bit of a family meeting and see if you all can come up with some choices in relating to your youngest rather than the switch of his parents doing everything for him (on) or throwing him out (off).

My husband was the oldest of four brothers and I know he helped out a couple of the others when they were in/got out of college; do your other children have any sort of relationship with their brother and/or might they be willing to help out in some way? Now my three stepsons help each other out too; baby sitting the grandkids (oldest helps 2nd oldest and his sister-in-law with that) and they all have a single storage unit they share, etc. The youngest and his wife live in New York City and so the middle brother kept his sister-in-law's car in their driveway (and got to use it when one of their cars broke) for them since they did not want a car in that City. Even if the siblings live too far away, perhaps they left behind friends and connections that the youngest knows or could use?

The youngest needs to be making friends and connections of his own for when he is out of school, can he car pool with anyone when his car is in the shop, call a friend to drop him off to pick it up at the shop, etc.? His car and getting to and from his "work" (school) should be his responsibility entirely.

I'm surprised that, if he is not managing his own life, you give him so much allowance (what does he spend it on?). Has he been taught/learned how to manage money? I don't mind the deal of paying for everything if he goes to school but if he's living in your house he still has to be a citizen of that house and interact with its other residents and account for any monies -- I imagine how much and on what your husband spends his cash and he, what you spend is known to each other? Your son is part of the household and needs to understand and act a part of it. Buying gas for the car, weed, and cell phone coverage are not all there is to being responsible for one's self as part of a larger household. He's not on his own yet!

[Talthybius]

I don't see a real problem. You have two successful kids and one kid that has been dealt a more difficult hand, but that is also going to make it.

He is spoiled because you pay his tuition and his books?

What exactly is he doing that is decadent?

He should get a job? Then why is he in college? You want him to leave college and get a full-time job on his AD? Working a job as a student costs you money because you'll graduate later.

Sounds like you are getting on each others nerves and you don't appreciate what you are doing for each other.

I was in a similar position and had parents that basically only had to offer me money. Not saying you are the same. But if my parents refused to offer me the money they had, didn't need, and I needed to not be a failure in life, they'd have exactly 0 to offer me.

Maybe he can cook his own meals and clean up his own stuff, sure. But why have him run separate laundry?

Maybe his allowance is too high and maybe you are spoiling him. But if you take it away 'because we have been bad parents that spoil our sun', he has less money and has parents that admit to being in the wrong. Doesn't fix anything.

Every child deserves parents that do almost everything for them. If the child is ungrateful or doesn't appreciate it, that's not nice, I understand that. But it doesn't mean the child needs to be punished and have his life be made more difficult.
If I was a parent, I would be more worried about a child never coming to meet me after they no longer depend on your support.

If he is not being too independent enough, talk about him living at his own place. It costs you more money, yes, not less. The whole thing about teaching a child to money manage, that's important, yes, and a subject on itself.
Don't be too afraid about having your child fail and learn from mistakes. Just don't withdraw support. Giving t your child the freedom to make mistakes and have to suffer through them and learn is different from not being a supportive parents.

If you just don't have the money he needs/demand, not that's a different issue. Anyway, who makes the money? The father? The mother? Both? I mean, it is always going to be unequal inside a family.

I think you are doing well in trying to keep your son from being lost, and I also think that he is doing well in return from his grades, and that what is important right now, in my opinion, for his future's sake. May be once he gets his degree and a stable job you can ask him to move out and begin to take care of himself completely.

[Pretzelle]

His unappreciative behavior seems to be the biggest issue you're having, and that's understandable. He is still very young though, so I don't think you need to worry too much. Some people just take more time to adjust and find their way in the world. I think if you want him to be more independent, try taking just one thing away (like the allowances) and seeing how that goes. I wouldn't come down too hard on him, because you might end up with a resentful son on your hands. Personally, I think it's more important to be patient with him right now.