Intimidated

Okay so I've been on a dating site for two weeks within really no success except for an email from one person. This site creates daily matches for you that you go through to determine who you like and don't like . Now my dating history is sparse to say the least so I'm looking for someone who doesn't look too intimidating. The trouble is they all look intimidating - they're either showing themselves mountain climbing or dancing with a glass of champagne in their hand. This makes me want to crawl under the couch because my day consists of a long lingering breakfast, a long lingering cup of coffee, a long lingering nap, a long lingering walk, dinner and Jeopardy. Mountain climbing is only on my TV. So if the person on the dating site isn't playing solitaire while sipping tea I'm pretty much defeated. I really am a hermit and I kinda like that. Just thought I'd share because I find life so ridiculous - this is one example.

Well it's possible some of these people aren't always as go getting as they appear in the photo they choose - people are probably trying to look as interesting and attractive as they can.

That said if you are looking at younger women you will probably find they are more active, whereas you sound pretty typical for a retired guy in his 60s. Nothing wrong with that, it's who you are, I'm sure there are women out there in a similar situation who would be compatible with you.

With that type of daily routine, you should stay single. Or, find some new hobbies and see where they take you. You may just meet soneone that way.

You are 60. You haven't had relationships in you life. You say you don't even really want a relationship (in other posts). Are you really looking for a care-taker in your old age?

You've been fixated on thinking you are eligible to date much younger women. Are women your age mountain climbing?

Where I live, older men get young trophy wives, but only if they have enough money to afford them.

There are plenty of women who would be happy with you as you are, money or not. Do you really want that? I am not sure you do. If you do, be realistic over who those women are. They are not mountain climbing!

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I am 50 and it pushes my buttons to think that I would be too old for you. Frankly, you need to lower your expectations.

60 year old women probably stopped climbing mountains even if they did in the past. Why aren't you looking for women your age?

Saying all that I know a group of older ladies. They are in their 60s and some older, my good friend is 72, also my parents are in their 70s. They don't climb mountains but Their lives don't consist of lingering breakfasts or naps or jeopardy. The only time my mom had naps during the day was when she was doing chemo last year.

Why aren't doing anything else? 60 isn't 90. Unless you have severe health problems what's going on? What does your t say? Why doesn't she give you ideas how to improve your life?

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I'm not sure I should really say this as people will say that I'm being unsympathetic or aggressive. I'm going to play hard ball as everybody else is treading on egg shells so as not to hurt your feelings. With all these posts you are coming across as a bit of a fool, desperate and slightly pathetic, IMO anyway. What you really need is a friend, male or female, your own age who's lived a liFe and will tell you how things are and not how they are in your imagination.. The second thing women look for in a man after looks is confidence. Putting women on a pedestal is a recipe for disaster. Check out MGTOW and whilst I don't agree with everything they say it will help you get things in perspective. You seem very vulnerable and plenty of women will be only too happy to fleece you and then drop you. I wouldn't have gone down the dating site route. You need a thick skin and a certain level of ambivalence. What you are finding is what 95% of men get.
Your typical day sounds more like an 80 year in a care home than a lively, active 60 year old, interested in people and in living and in meeting people. Get out and meet people, do things, engage with people and if you meet someone, great. Wallowing in self pity isn't attractive to anyone. If you want sex and you have money go to Thailand. You like travelling, I think. I'm probably wasting my time and you'll probably just take offence. I don't really care. I'm really not unsympathetic as I'm in ,kind of, the same situation but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. And not in the coffee shop.

PS. What's wrong with older women? I'm 60 next month and there is s woman at a church jumble/rummage sale I go to, though I'm not religious (I don't know what you call them in the US) who I talk to. I thought she was 60 something but last week she said she was 73. I wouldn't have thought that. She said 'does that put you off me'. I said 'not really, age is just a number' (unless you're a 60 year old looking for 20 year old). She is chatty, like me, bright and maybe I'll see if she wants to do something. She said she wouldn't mind joining me on one of my days out in London.

I felt the same way because I have no activities or hobbies or many travels. But I think those just to show they are active and have interesting life. Interestingly enough, all of them do!! Personally I don't care about these secondary details, as relationships have nothing to do how many destinations you traveled, or how may parties you attended or what dances you can perform. I would say explore your chances, and see what happens.

The younger you search for, the more likely you are going to be intimidated.

As you've tried two weeks with looking at really young women, why don't you spend two weeks looking within a 10-year age range for you. Just to see what the results look like. You might feel less intimidated and you might find more women who will be more likely to respond to you.

It's hard to feel sympathetic for you when you keep doing things to make you pity yourself. You should do more than just use online. Get out and meet people without looking for a relationship - you've said yourself that you don't even know if you want one. Join things to help you meet peers that you might have things in common with.

I agree with the poster above who mentioned how it's sorta disheartening to see you consistently avoid looking for women near your own age. I'm 31 and single. Am I really at the tipping point where I become too old to consider? Really? I don't think so. In the reverse though, a 60 year old man has nothing to offer me. Except possibly money, but I'm not that kind of person. I have a lot of life to live, and many man years left to be working. The idea of getting involved with someone retired just does not appeal. I'd quickly start to feel like a caretaker - especially if I have more life and relationship experience than someone twice my age.

You likely do have tons to offer a woman. But not women significantly younger than you.

I am 50 and wouldn't want retired man. I am pretty sure women younger than me would want it even less. It's just unrealistic. My daughter is in age range you are attracted to. Under no circumstances would she go for 60 year old man. Her parents are 10 years younger! It's just so unrealistic!!!!

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Well I'm also an artist and I play the piano. Next month I'm going to Australia. So I'm not a total fool. I also had a very successful career and I think I'm considered fairly well off financially. Yes, this does reflect my usual day but I crank it up sometimes. I've been to Copenhagen, Florence, London, New York and Amsterdam in the last two years. I think I'm pretty intelligent and have a good sense of humor. My dating life has been fairly dismal but a loser - I don't think so (well except for the romance part). I just mentioned the mountain climbing thing because the woman on this site seem overblown - like superheroes. Yikes! I don't think trying to date somebody in their 40s or 50s is being unrealistic. Somebody said because I'm 60 I wouldn't have nothing to offer except money - not true I think I'm sensitive, caring, intelligent and knowledgeable - I think that's being short-sighted. I think everybody is different - I know couples who are twenty years apart. I'm not going to limit my search because of my age - that's unrealistic.

Then it appears that you put yourself down. If you travel extensively and do other interesting things like painting and playing music then surely your life consists of more than naps. You portray your life as there is nothing going on. Woman in her 50s is very realistic but it isn't age range you were referring to. You said 35. And until recently you went for 20 something year olds.

But regardless what we think you can proceed the way you see fit. It's just sad that you keep complaining yet make no changes in your life

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Mac, I'm the last person to criticise someone over significant age gaps, my own long term relationship is such. However, you did write that you were intimidated by the active nature of some of the profiles - if you are wanting to date women in younger bracket (previously you stated 35+) then they will likely have active lives as long as they are healthy. All relationships are made of compromise of some sort, it's true enough not all active types will expect you to be the same, but it may be a consideration for others.

I don't think anyone called you a 'loser', that would be very cruel particularly as you have come here seeking advice. Of course we should all be aware that people posting here write about only a fraction of their lives and we should not make assumptions, your last post is a timely reminder of that.

I was going to qualify what I said but I thought I would leave it and provoke a knee jerk response andyou duly obliged. Did I say that I think that you are a total fool. No . You have previously said you had a successful career and were well off so you are obviously not a fool. In this particular instance though you come across as very naive, unworldly and yes a bit of a fool. We all appear foolish from time to time, but don't see it ourselves.
Did I say that you were a total loser . No.
I said that you like travelling and my suggestion of going to Thailand was a serious one. If you want a younger woman then it's something to consider.

Ok. As a 31 year old woman I will list off some reasons why a retired man in his 60s would not have much to offer me.

1. Minimal potential for me to still have them in my life when I myself start aging more.
2. Difficulties with parenting. As the child grows the man would continue aging. At 10 years old the dad would be 70- and not necessarily going to be up for all that parenting requires.
3. More health problems crop up as we age. Those health issues could limit the things we would be capable of doing, and I don't want to have to give up a lot earlier than my own health dictates.
4. Aging often leads to the need for care takers. I do not want to be a caretaker for my partner. Especially as my parents will be needing the same thing at around the same time.
5. Stamina. Unless he is incredibly fit then I will likely have more stamina for maintaining things.
6. Retirement. I know I would get annoyed at work knowing that my partner didn't have to work. Even with a pension I would still end up feeling like the breadwinner.
7. Retirement and free time. I would be jealous! I would have no patience for any complaints or expectations put towards me. Plus, unless they had a really active social life I would get stressed out with having someone at home every second I'm there.
8. Lack of common cultural memories. A lot of the shows, movies, games, technology, that I grew up with aren't going to be the same ones that someone in their 60a will have grown up with. I enjoy nostalgia so it would make me sad to never get to do that.
9. The consistent reminder that I would be with someone the age of my dad. Seeing them naked would make me think of my dad naked and even now that thought makes me feel sick.
10. I would worry about their past - if they had always been attracted to women half their age. It would make me think of pedophilia. I know that isn't nice to say, but it is a thought that would go through my head. It wouldn't matter how nice they were - lots of people who seem amazing have done terrible things.

So Mac, while you do have great qualities and experiences, it does not overcome the age difference as easily as you like to dream. Your age and the future potentials outweigh common interests or you being a kind soul. There are plenty of men who would offer me the same things along with not having the same concerns I would have about an older man.

Now, as I start hitting those same issues for myself then they won't bother me to find in a potential partner. But aging causes complications for all of us (some more then others but you can't predict who really) and very few of us want to deal with those sooner than they have to.

Yup. If 20-25 years difference is awesome thing then I had to look for 75 year old man. What the heck for??? It's my parents age. Mind you they are still fit and active but common now! What's on the planet! Why would I want a man this age? There is something wrong in this desire for much younger partners ( unless wanting kids) . Peter Pan? Something else? I don't know anyone like this in real life. No it's not common at all


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I don't know what's going on here but I don't think I ever said that I had to have a younger woman - seems like everybody is assuming this. All I said was that if a younger woman was interested I wouldn't turn the opportunity down. I'm so far away from a relationship now that it's a bit premature for any scenario. I'll stick by my guns that a woman in her forties or fifties would date a man in his sixties if they were compatible - the saying goes love knows no age - I can attest to this by experiencing the process. I can see pros and cons to a May-December relationship - it's all fantasy at this point. Thanks

PS The young woman I fell for is 24 - she's dating a divorced man who is 48 so it happens. Personally I think the relationship is doomed but I'm just jealous.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...om-dearth.html

Your posts on this recent thread certainly state you were looking for younger women. This was just last week.

I'm not going to criticise you for it, as I said I'm in such a relationsip myself, sure a few people said we were doomed too, some of them may have been jealous. What other people think really doesn't matter.

No one assumed anything. You said you want a younger woman many times. Even your profile states 35 to 50 which is still younger woman . As much as 25 years younger.

The issue is that you keep posting how you are lonely and can't find a woman. Well last two girls were not even 25 and your search now indicates younger women. If it is working for you then it's ok but so far it doesn't. Of course people get together with younger partners all the time. Love is love. But it is different than consciously searching for something that just isn't working.
Things do happen but consciously searching for something is different.

Then again if it works for you then it's great. It doesn't matter what others think as other posters stated. If younger women want to date you then what do you care what we think. Go for it

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Thanks I sound bitter - the thing is I didn't actively seek a relationship with these younger women - I just fell for them over a period of time. I didn't even have a proper courtship with them, i.e., we didn't date. This was just a lonely guy who got a little attention and went overboard. Therefore, the term pursue is not really applicable - although I did give them flowers and gifts on their birthdays..... As for the current situation, I'm not really communicating with anyone under 40 - i don't think this is cradle robbing at all. Still searching....

I'm 38, and I wouldn't date someone in their 60's for much of the same reasons A Red Panda mentioned. The man I'm talking to is going to be 45 in a few months, and that sometimes feels like a big gap for a few reasons, none of them important enough to be deal breakers. It definitely depends on the individual, but I think it's more reasonable to tighten up the age range a bit.

I don't know any 40 year old women who would join dating sites to look for 60 year old men. When she will be 60 and still working full time and full of energy , he will be 80. But good luck.

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Look, you've been making posts and threads about the lack of responses you are getting on the dating site.

The simplest and most reasonable solution is to change the age range. If you raise it to 50+ then you are narrowing grown the results that show up for you, but you are increasing the chances of getting a reply.

The girls you met in person were one thing. But when you have such a young age range on your profile, it means you are actively looking do that. If women see what your age range is they are likely to go "whoa cradle robber he won't even look at me" if they are older. Younger will go "whoa cradle robber I don't want to be arm candy".

While large gaps can work, most people don't stray outside of a ten-year range.

As I said I. My first post - just try it. Try changing your age range to 50+. You might be an awesome guy, but you honestly do not have much to offer women my age. You aren't lowering your standards by narrowing your age range to a more average range. If anything.... I'd be lowering my own standards if I was to ever get together with a man my dads age. I'd be cutting off a lot of opportunity and would lose my most healthy years as an adult taking care of someone aging - sure some people are doing amazingly but that isn't the norm.

You're just being wildly unrealistic and you keep defending it. And then feeling defeated that things aren't going your way on the site.

I agree with red panda. You don't want to lower your expectations but expect younger women to lower theirs so they can date a man who is their parents age. You aren't getting responses for a reason. You are being unrealistic in your expectations

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Mac, can I ask you to ask yourself a pertinent question? You don't have to post the answer here, but if you do it will help us to understand your situation a little better.

Why are you messaging women in 35-50 age bracket when you are in your 60s? What are the reasons behind this?

Some thoughts:

You state age doesn't matter, but why then are you not messaging women 10-20 years older than yourself?

You have stated several times you are feeling intimidated by the whole dating process (I completely sympathise with this btw), are you perhaps deliberately sabotaging your chances of success by setting unrealistic targets? This may sound crazy, but some of us possess an amazing ability to self-sabotage without realising it (myself included, just not in the area of romance).

I'd urge you to think about this carefully, it may well lead to a better self-awareness and understanding of what your needs really are and how best to address them.