My mother and I aren't compatible

Today it got pretty bad my mother was yelling that I make mess everyday the same stuff I deal with everyday. It got heated I wanted her to shut up so I was just saying k to everyday basically she was complaining that all she does it clean and that where I sit there is always mess. Then she was trying to blame me for the fact that she still hasn't sown things because she spends 100% cleaning. It got worse when she was telling me to stop abusing her and i was like k and then she just got more angry i was like saying k to everything isn't abusing you and then she is like one day your going to piss me off and i am going to hit you. Then I told her to go **** herself and kill herself. I told her to get a rope and tie it and jump off a cliff. She told me to go outside and leave turned off my internet. I walked outside and then came back and I was like why don't you let me leave live with friends. Then she is like so they can kick you out for the same **** you do here. I was like this is my problem not yours don't see why you won't let me leave. She is like why can't we just compromise we can't. I am messy I don't care about anything she is clean and likes everything in order our personalities just aren't compatible. No matter what compromise we come too I will never be the exact same personality type as her. She is only making me suffer for forcing me to stay here.

I'm not sure how old you are, but if you'd like to leave you can. Unless she is physically holding you back.
I also assume you have full time employment to move out on your own. Especially to pay for Internet connection.

Saying "k" all the time is a way of blocking someone out. There is no communication there.

how is she forcing you to stay there is the question that stands out for me.

When I try to leave she says I am not ready and would be kicked out. She uses my feelings of insecurity against me I feel at times

If you want to get out, get out & PROVE HER WRONG (if she really is?)

You are both using pointless bickering in your fighting with nothing of value really being said other than emotional verbiage being thrown back & forth.

If you have income to get yourself a place then maybe it's time you start standing on your own rather than sticking around. Maybe in reality she's trying to make your life so miserable that you will want to leave on your own. Many times people tell people they can't do something in hopes it makes them angry enough that they do it just to prove the person wrong.

You are right, you are both like oil & water to each other & it sounds like it's time for you to start becoming more independent. I think that's something you have issues with?

Why are you allowing your insecurities to control you & keep you in a place that you are so very miserable?

If you don't have income & you are just planning on moving in with friends who you think are going to support you.....that's not good either & that may be also what your mom is referring to that you would be doing to them exactly what you are doing to her by staying there & NOT getting out.

Yes, I do have issues in being independent and a lot of it is too do with the fact that I feel lost and unsure of my dreams and ideas, if there is anything valuable or achieveable. I just feel so unsure and yes I do think she is trying to upset me so I get out but something inside me when that happens just makes me even more apathetic and feel even more powerless and not want to do anything. It just adds to my confusion if you get what I mean. The sad part is no one can stop me from being confused or make my own decisions for me this is where I have to become independant and confident enough to believe in my thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams but that is so hard. I just feel so conflicted that at times I can't think of the bigger picture and in all of my emotions I make up plans that don't make sense in the hope that I can "run away" from my feelings, my responsibility, my confusion. However, no matter what plan I make I feel more confused. I know when I was living on my own the confusion went away something about living alone gave me the breather and I felt like I had my confidence and my identity back. I don't have a job but I have been doing as many courses as I can because that looks very pretty on a resume. All I need now is to trust that I am capable enough to sell myself to the world on that piece of paper. I guess I just need self trust and belief that I can do it. I do know if I do live with others I cannot just leave my stuff laying around I will have to not forget things. That is where I become stuck in my struggle to become independant I have adhd and my concentration is so bad that people have to pick up after me and when I was in hostels that was no ideal I got into some much trouble and fights on it just because I forgot stuff. The only good thing I have about being at home is my mother understands how my mental illness impacts me but others may not be so understanding and may instead being highly critical of me and not compassionate at all.

The conversation you report makes you sound about 12. Really! Telling your mom to kill herself? Instead of hanging out making messes for you mom to clean up maybe you should go look for a job. Sounds like the two of you might have a much better relationship if took care of yourself.

Sounds like a typical whiny ungrateful teenager. Stop blaming your inadequacies on your mental illness and stop using it as a crutch. How hard is it to pitch in and clean?

I guess I have become used to blaming my mental illness I just feel like a retard that can't do anything but when I do make my bed and take care of my room that belief seems to go away. I guess I just have to tell the voices in my head that is all lies and just get to cleaning. Persistence pays off.

If I hadn't talked to my friend about this I probably wouldn't understand. For me when people tell me I can't do something, it makes me want to prove them wrong so I was shocked when my friend told me when someone told her she couldn't do something she just believed them & wouldn't be able to do it. For some people that reverse logic doesn't work but the people using it don't understand it's not working because it's NOT the way they think.


Maybe just play this over & over in your head & pretend that you are living alone & block out your mother.
This is soooo true. Again, if I hadn't seen my own mother act like a child again around her own mother (my grandma) I wouldn't have understood that some mothers can have that effect on their children especially one's like my own mother who had such an extreme lack of self-confidence. It's like my mom's mom just triggered her lack of self-confidence to be worse & not better when she was around her mom.

It's not ok to have this excuse for one's bad behavior because we are responsible for making our own choices & having our own thoughts

You are right. You are the only one who can control your thinking & it does take doing it over & over to change those neuropathways in your brain that been created to think those wrong thoughts.

I always fought with my mom & parents. I remember one time resolving that I was no longer going to act like that. I did find until the time when my Mom continued to act in the way that continued to trigger me to fight with them & there went my best laid plans but that was back when I was in junior high & just starting to grow up.

Do you have a therapist who can help you work on these issues? If not, it might be a good idea to get one who can help you. Maybe if you tell your mother that it will help you to be the kind of person she's wanting you to be so she will be in support of you getting a good therapist. You definitely NEED TO GROW UP because your thinking & your actions are very childish & sadly, surroundings will trigger that kind of behavior & it helps to have a good therapist who can guide you out of the mode if thinking you seem stuck in.

Well, when on this post you guys told me I was acting childish that was when I realized nope this bickering and fighting is stupid acting like a child isn't going to change her opinion of me. Will only confirm her belief system and she will continue to do the reverse psychology on me that she doesn't understand and most likely never will never understand that it DOESN'T work on me. So I just got up and was like you know what I am going to clean for myself because I hate the clutter in my room. So, I just got up and chucked a lot of **** that I didn't need found receipts for a refund for something that I have been looking for. That was when I realize cleaning and keeping on top of things only BENEFITS ME!

Good JOB..... Hold onto that thinking no matter what words your mom tries to throw at you!!!!

This is an awesome realization. Glad all the comments here have helped you come to the realization that you have come to.....a VERY GOOD one.

The longer you stay, the more damage she'll do!

It took me 33.5 years to escape mine ... Amid all her warnings of failing, falling flat on my face, being incapable and ending up homeless ... I took the leap anyhow & here I am 23 years later ... And, I'm still standing!

It hasn't been easy, and I have to constantly combat all the negative, internalized messages my abusive female parental unit ingrained into my brain, but so far I've proven the evil @#$%! wrong, and that's a victory in and of itself!

Still got a lot of good livin' to do out here ... And,

I hope you can find the courage and strength to break away sooner than later so you can start livin' yours too!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

she can't stop you from leaving.

their's no actual reason why you just can't leave and do what you want

sorry you have this situation

So since you've cleaned up how has your mom been?
I was thinking it could go 2 ways.

She could just start picking on some other thing that's not right & pull you down again which will frustrate you & ask yourself "why bother!"
Or she might say nothing....maybe even compliment you. ??
Be prepared for either. Take the higher road in your thought process. Protect yourself & move forward. Maybe look into low income housing & look at a budget for yourself figuring out how much $$ you need to make, to survive on your own. Since you said you did your best on your own.
Be prepared to back slide...& tell yourself it's ok if you do!! That's how we learn & move on.
You've turned a corner here so keep moving forward.

She was delighted ever since doing that one thing the other day she has been more responsible to my suggestions of how to improve our relationship situation. Today, I asked her which part of the house was the most important to be cleaned and she said the loungeroom so I have now come to a compromise that I will do the loungeroom and my room. Hope from here her anxiety and mine goes away and then she won't freak when I want to leave.

That sounds great.....shows a more responsible maturity on your part. I'm sure that's what your mother was wanting, her way of communicating it to you wasn't a healthy way....glad she's coming around now that she sees your actions are changing.....Good Job!!!!!!!!!

I think as long as you have any dependence on your mother, or she has any control over your life or circumstances, this pattern will continue. The only way to find relief and freedom is to take the leap of independence and stay strong. It's so beautiful when you can lock them out of your living space and refuse to interact or do what they want. One day when you do it, you will be sooo glad you did.