I don't want to age

The only person who stops you from dating is you. Society can't care less who you ask out.



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I feel you. Turning 30 last year was almost painful for me.

The two are closely interrelated. I really do fear that my ability to pursue desirable partners of my choice will become limited once I hit a certain age cap. And yes, I am pretty convinced that age differences like 30 and 21 would not matter to women if society did not socialize them to believe otherwise.

Something I should also note is that I believe that the age issue not only hinders our ability to connect with younger women, it even hinders our ability to connect with women our own age. The fact is, it is often very difficult to tell a 19 year old apart from a 24 year old or a 22 year old apart from a 28 year old or a 25 year old apart from a 33 year old. So when a 30 year old guy is expected to not pursue girls under 24 or so, he is really hindered from pursuing girls under 35 in general since many of them look like they could easily by younger than 24. Meanwhile for the boys under 24 or so, the world is their oyster. If they see a hot young looking 30 year old woman, they don't have to hesitate out of fear that she might be younger, because they would be allowed to approach her even if she was! I believe that this is actually serving to promote younger man older woman relationships while at the same time discouraging older man younger woman relationships. I really do find myself wondering if this is an intentional, strategic move by the powers that be.

I guess I missed the memo which stated that 30-year-old men shouldn't pursue women younger than 24 because this is news to me. I was never aware that rules existed concerning proper age gaps between consenting adults.

Also: what "powers that be" are you referring to? I must be missing something.

Well, there is no law against it, but there is a social stigma. A guy who does it will likely be looked at as a creep. For those of us who are sensitive and prone to feeling ashamed, this is an effective deterrent.

I can't say I really know who is behind it all, but there does seem to be a deliberate attempt by society as a whole to push us in a certain direction.

There is no social stigma and there is no "powers" telling anyone who to date. There is no attempt by "society" to push anyone anywhere. Everyone I know date and marry whoever they want. Unless you live in a very traditional religious culture that prohibits dating certain groups or marry certain people etc I have never seen anyone following any dating or marrying rules whatsoever. I lived in both Europe and US and mingle with variety of cultures and people of all ages. What you describe doesn't exist

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I think this is where your challenge lies.

If you live your life in a state of hyper-vigilance worrying what people think of you then it will be very restrictive.

You will always get some people who hold negative opinions about others, be it racial/economic/sexual orientation/age - but we have to live our lives as we see fit.

A quote for you:



It's true, believe it.

Ok, I am going to be honest. It is not all about the stigma. I am also genuinely concerned that I will no longer be attractive to women in a few years. As much as I try to deny it and prove to myself that it isn't true, I do have a strong suspicion that women, not only younger women but women of all ages, are mainly just attracted to guys under the age of 26 or so.

It is typically assumed by most people that men over 28-30 are totally unattractive to the younger 18-23 year old girls. It's always assumed that they want "a good looking boy their own age." But it is not simply an issue of women wanting guys their own age, because most people assume that 18-23 year old guys are totally irresistible to women over 28-30. You know, I have even seen reports of women over 40 seeing guys in their late 20s as too old and only wanting guys 25 and under. It seems like when a guy is in that under 25 age group and looks it, as long as he is somewhat good looking he gets lusted after by women the same way women lust after men. Like he will get women sexually interested in him simply based on the way he looks. But if a guy looks more grown up, even if he is really good looking, the same type of attraction doesn't seem to exist.

Although this is not accepted as common knowledge, I have seen other people suggest the same sort of thing, so it isn't just me who has noticed this. Yes I know that women most often date guys around their own age, but this means nothing since dating is not always about attraction, especially for women over 30 who are looking to settle down. Yeah I'm sure I can find women who will be interested in settling down with me, but that is not what I am concerned about. I am concerned about not being sexually appealing anymore. It bothers me a lot, because I feel like women continue to get sexual attention into their 40s and 50s. From guys of all ages. It just feels really unfair to me that I, along with other guys, can appreciate an attractive woman in her 50s, meanwhile those women only find themselves attracted to boys younger than me. Yes, you are hearing it correctly, I at 28 feel too old to be sexually appealing to women in their 40s and 50s. When you hear that, you should know something is seriously wrong.

I think you're just overthinking it. You're worrying way too much.

I am 31 and I am attracted to older men. This has been the case for as long as I can remember (from the time I was like 3. For real. I was crushing on men when I was 3. x_x) and most of the men I've dated have been older than me. Older men are attractive to many woman, so I'm not sure where you're getting these stats but they don't seem accurate.

Younger woman /older man is really common.

What do you care that 50 year olds don't find you sexually appealing? Why would it even enter your mind? Go and date who you want.

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I'm curious to where your evidence for all of these age group attractions comes from?

I'll be straight with you here - I'm in my 40s and I'm not attracted to 28 year olds, they are like kids to me. I tend to find men 40s+ attractive and if I were looking for a partner (which I'm not) that would be the age range I'd look within. I don't know any of my peer group age range female friends who lust after young guys - it just isn't something that is a feature of our lives.

I certainly don't lust after 20 something years old males, that's my daughters age. I also don't know any women my age who are sexually attracted to 20 year olds. I don't know where you get this from either

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I understand you so! I think in today's society with the cult of the teenager and and young everyone had your feelings. I studied the biographies of famous people: they have such different histories and different ages. So I'm less guided by public opinion now. Then I studied the tradition of my people: I see what it is the knowledge and skills I lack, I do not confused anymore. Everything has its time!

Hi Shadix

What society is selling you is fear. Don't buy into it. There are people in society that make billions preying on fear.
It also sounds as if you have been listening to some very bitter 'older' people, the kind that have nothing but regrets. There are people in the world that are envious of you just because your young. I remember being 28 and at one time I didn't think I would make it that far. I got married when I was 28 and what passed away was a very reckless and irresponsible young man, abusing drugs and alcohol and come to think of it abusing myself and people around me.
I was still a irresponsible and 3 years away from being diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, but I digress...apologies.
I turned 60 not long ago and yes, there are aches and pains and they're mine and no one wants to take them away from me.
I live with very few regrets and many fond memories, they are also mine and I will NOT let anyone take that from me.
The last 15 years I have been doing my best to help people understand mental illness and I am proud that I have made a difference.
Who know, Shadix...I might be making a difference here today.
One never knows what tomorrow may bring.
For you, young man, I wish for you better days.

P.S. One other thing that keeps me moving forward is the thrill of kicking society right in the teeth when it tells me what to do and what to expect.

I'm not sure what assumptions you're making about society but I have a good 20 yrs on you and I don't feel like I'm restricted from anything, nor do I feel oppressed or less than in any way. Society does not do anything to you that you don't acknowledge and accept as reality.

Well your experience is very different from mine. I genuinely feel like I want to kill myself because of the horrid fate that awaits me. Seriously, I feel like it would be like a mercy killing given the pain I am going to endure if I have to watch myself be denied the life I want to live because I didn't do it when I was younger and am now too old.

Do you see a therapist, shadix?

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I used to. She overcharges and doesn't have appointments available outside my work hours so I pretty much have to sneak over there during lunch break. It is tiresome. Problem is most other therapists are morons I think, so I am reluctant about switching.

It's not like anything can be done to help me anyways. Unless someone can find a fountain of youth that will stop the aging process.

Shadix?

You have a few threads on this same topic . You have basically shot down all advice given. Hey..... that's okay. Maybe posting here is like having a blog? Your able to get stuff out of your head???

What kind of advice or support are you actually wanting ?

Would it be helpful if I were to agree with you and say,, Yes!!! Shadix choosing to die instead of getting older is a great thought process... Helpful ?

How do you know if they are morons if you only saw one. Some t work evenings, Mine works evenings. Many do.

I wonder if aging isn't what truly upsets you but your difficulty with connecting to people? So you feel you are running out of time? You need therapy to help you build some skills.

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Shadix, you may think you are old but as the average lifespan is late 70s and you are 28 you are not even half way yet.

You are still young, you have lots of time to do the things you want to do, meet new people and grow as a person.

I work with people over twice your age who have serious impairments, their options are truly limited. Your options may feel like they are limited, and in some ways they are by your own thoughts, but these can be worked on and you have all this time ahead of you to do this!

What life are you being denied exactly? What do you want to do in life that you can't do now?

You have only talked about dating on this forum, and you certainly aren't too old to do that - you just have to actually ask someone out instead of waiting for them to ask you out.

What else are you wanting to have?

It makes me sad that you wish you were dead. But I really fail to understand how you are being denied things.

I'm 31. At 28 I had just been hired into a permanent position - in a part of the world I truly didn't want to live in. But I took it because having job security is important to me - it means I can still live my life mostly the way I want to (I am limited due to geographical isolation). But I made that decision, and in the following years I've made other decisions to make it easier to enjoy my life as close as I can to what my ideal would have been.

Can you be more specific as to what you are being denied in life at age 28? Honestly at that age I was truly just getting my stride and getting to where I was in my career to start making choices I couldn't prior to that point. I honestly cannot think of many things that would be unavailable at the age of 28 so I'm curious, if you can be more specific.

I'm not sure what you're asking of this forum, then. If you just wanted to vent I guess that's ok but I dont' recall if you said if that's all this is.