I think I'm having a full-on meltdown

Sometimes communication with exes is a good thing but sometimes it's not. I wonder if talking to him is a good idea? I know he isn't really ex technically speaking but emotions were intense. You might feel better sooner if you stop talking to him. Just my thoughts

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Idk. Maybe. Probably. I'm kind of over talking/thinking about it for now, really. How I was feeling really wasn't all about him, truly. The mood started out of nowhere, about I don't even know what (but I wasn't ruminating on him), and then I lost my shyt on him.

Oh, I didn't see this! I was getting ready to go somewhere rand was reading in a hurry. I feel this way sometimes, too. Sometimes I want to sit on my balcony--I've made it very pretty out there--but my neighbors are on theirs (pretty much all the time in the warm weather) and I'm like, grrrr, I want to be outside alone. The balconies are all connected in my building, separated by a little lattuce divider. They need to actually make walls so that we can have privacy.

Anyway, I digress.

RxQueen said something about my being overbearing and a tough cookie, and I've been thinking about that. I guess I can be overbearing. I try really hard not to be, but it comes from a place of fear. I don't really know how to be any other way; everything good I have in my life came from my hard work. Can't really gain love and friendship through hard work though. Not really. And being a tough cookie...I don't like that about myself. But I think I had to be that way growing up. Long story about why, many chapters. JD (sorry to bring him up) mentioned the toughness, but he said he saw right through it. That I tried to be so tough, but he saw the vulnerable girl underneath. I just now remembered that conversation. Not many people see that. I wonder if that scared me a bit.

I read through your posts. My impression is that you are/were in a really angry and painful place. It's hard to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. I'm a strong person too and every single day I work on letting people into my world. People are and less so now, intimidated by that strength. Strength is a good thing unless it prevents us from connecting with others. I don't know what it's like for you in the world outside of psyche central.

I wondered as I read the post about how you lost it on him if it was because you were angry about showing him some vulnerability and how scary that felt. I'm just speculating here, I don't presume to know what happened.

Then there is the intelligence factor. You know you have worked hard, are successful, have so much going for you and yet you're right, those things won't help you right now. And you're smart enough to know that and how horribly frustrating that is!

I needed to read those posts. I'm glad you outlined exactly what you were thinking, because I react this way to my therapist more often than I realized and I didn't know exactly how he saw it until I read what you wrote. I didn't realize how much pain he saw, now I see too. I want to hug you or maybe I want to hug me.

I don't mean that as I'm glad you were in such a place, because I don't, at all. .
.for a small paranoid moment I was thinking you were my therapist. Then I shook myself and decided I was nuts.

As for the neighbors. Why can't they go inside and watch TV like normal people so I can be alone for 5 minutes?


#Life is a beautiful lie#

Like I told him (and my T), not being acknowledged when I was freaking pushing so hard for acknowledgement and communication was incredibly triggering. I've been ignored and put into a corner all my life, made to feel inconvenient, unimportant. A bother. A mistake. My mother did it. Kids at school did it. Teachers did it. My aunts and uncles threw gifts at me when I was a kid, but when I went to stay with them (so my mom could have a break from me), they did it. I was exasperating; they didn't have kids, and didn't know what to do with me, so they just set me in front of some cable TV to keep me quiet. My foster parents and foster siblings did it; I wasn't like them, so they pretty much ignored me. Boys at church in my early 20's, the girls in all the little church cliques, the guys I dated in my 20's...I got so sick of trying to get people to SEE and HEAR me. In my early 20's I went through a period of time where I pretended to be someone I was not, because when I acted a certain way, at least people paid attention to me. I mean, they seemed to connect with me, you know? And then my family did it again when they repeatedly ignored boundaries, forwarding gifts and letters from the mother who abandoned me when I was 15 even though I specifically asked them not to, repeatedly. When they shamed me for not wanting to meet my dad, so I did, and it was absolutely horrible.

Yeah, heh. I think a trigger was tripped. I mean, when the eff is anyone in my life going to listen to what I have to say? When are MY boundaries going to be respected? I hear so much about how I do this thing that is bad, and that thing that is bad, and I'm so this and I'm so that, and maybe I shouldn't push so hard and I'm overbearing...but I wonder, does anyone in my offline life actually hear me when I say things or ask for things in a kind, gentle way? Because I do. I don't like pushing. But I don't like being ignored, either.

Kinda like how I very professionally stated to my boss that I felt the ER wasn't working out for me, and why. I mean, it was a very professional letter. And they were like, yeah okay. Two weeks later, I was still in the ER, still asking, still being blown off with less than 4 weeks left of orientation. I felt I had no choice but to stay and make the best of it. Yet another example of not being listened to...and it feels crappy.

No, I'm not mad or sad right now. Im just saying.

Ruari, I'm glad you're out of that low place you were in. I was just reading through all your posts and I also got the impression that you were in crisis mode. I'm glad that you seem more stable now.

All I can say is that I hope it gets better. Maybe the more time you spend in the ER, the more used to it you will get and it won't feel so stressful. I hope that either that or a transfer becomes possible for you.

I know you've said it's not likely but I will hope for the best for you anyhow. I think that's the only support I can really offer right now. Just know that people are sending good thoughts into the universe for you.

Seesaw

This is a little off topic here, but I need to rant about it.

When women ask for what they need and they aren't demure in tone, they are considered biatches, or what does my therapist say, brutally honest. But when men do it, it's normal. Men are considered passionate when they are doing the exact same thing. (I don't mean JD) just men in general. I used to be really sensitive to that and I found that when I stopped, I became invisible, at least that's how I felt. It wasn't genuine for me. I get so angry when I'm being assertive and it gets thrown in my face.

End rant.

I'm glad you are here at Psych Central.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Sorry, I forgot to reply; I was at work when I read these.

Seesaw: I think it will get more bearable. I have some supportive people at work, and just had a talk with one of the doctors I really get along with and respect. He was like, "I've been doing this for over 10 years, and there are still days I am terrified." He says he feels like if I'm not nervous as a brand new ER nurse, then that would be cause for extreme concern. He said I just happened to choose one of the hardest departments to work in. He thinks I'm doing well, my preceptors think I'm doing well and am ready to be off orientation...the four of them just feel that I really need to learn to go easier on myself. I fully agree with this; I can be a real perfectionist. Which isn't all bad--I kind of think you want a little of that in a nurse! Maybe not as much of it as I have, though. I have a hard time not panicking when I feel even slightly behind but, hello, it's an ER and things are going to pile up. That's the nature of the beast. I need to learn how to just ride the wave, prioritize, delegate, and not stress the eff out about things getting backed up. So my one patient has to wait for their Tylenol because I'm administering a critical cardiac IV medication to another. So be it. So someone yells at me because they have been waiting to be discharged because I've been doing those other two things. Oh freaking well. (It actually gets way more piled up than that, but even that little back up could cause me to stress... )

Monday: I couldn't agree more. When I was going to church back in my early 20's, I was often chastised for a rebellious "Jezebel" spirit. I told this to JD, and he laughed. He was like, "Well...I like Jezebel." I think he likes the strong will, but maybe not so much the overbearingness. Which isn't a word, but you get what I mean. I have grown to not care if people, or specifically men, feel that I am outspoken in asking for what I want. While I do think my edges could use a little softening, my strong nature is what has gotten me through life with my mind (somewhat) intact, and it's not going anywhere.

PS I've done a lot of contemplation though, and I believe in the case of all the stuff I was up in arms about...I was wrong. It's not all my fault, but I was paranoid and pushy. I absolutely don't believe there was another woman in JDs life, at least not while he was talking to me. I wish I didn't jump to conclusions so quickly all the time.