[Artchic528]

I'm only human, and I have needs. One of them is satisfying my monstrously high libido. I almost let it get me into a dangerous situation (I was lucky that the guy stopped communication altogether) and now I want to tame it, if possible so as to not let it take me over and confuse this current guy I'm talking to. I guess I need a way to keep a hold of myself and not rush into being intimate right away despite my body screaming for that intimacy. In other words, I want to think clearly, with my brain, and not my libido.

How do I go about this? Do I distract myself? Keep busy? I don't want him to think I'm not interested though, so I can't keep it completely quelled. I need some sort of way to lessen it's pull on me I guess, but not to eliminate it completely.

Any suggestions?

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I'm only human, and I have needs. One of them is satisfying my monstrously high libido. I almost let it get me into a dangerous situation (I was lucky that the guy stopped communication altogether) and now I want to tame it, if possible so as to not let it take me over and confuse this current guy I'm talking to. I guess I need a way to keep a hold of myself and not rush into being intimate right away despite my body screaming for that intimacy. In other words, I want to think clearly, with my brain, and not my libido.

How do I go about this? Do I distract myself? Keep busy? I don't want him to think I'm not interested though, so I can't keep it completely quelled. I need some sort of way to lessen it's pull on me I guess, but not to eliminate it completely.

Any suggestions?

First two suggestions I have, communicate this that you are interested in him, and make it clear you are that you feel it's better for you that holding off sex at the moment is healthier.

I completely feel you on this though.

My high libido too gets me into trouble I get screaming wanting it badly and I unintentionally put off the wrong impression.

So I go out and do dates usually avoid taking someone over to my place most of the time. Make time for each other put effort of your expectations and make sure he understands and listens to this.

I am not doing well like you do and I'm starting relationships later after I move, but it makes sense that I succumb to this because I crave intimacy because of grief and I'm imposing my issues on them when I want to be better so I just try to do something else with the other person till it's appropriate with trust to go forth with that.

[Artchic528]

Well, he said he's an open book, so I'm going to ask him if he's had any offline relationships. I want to get a feel for his level of comfort in an actual physical relationship. I won't just out and ask him if he's a virgin, no, but maybe the conversation can go in that direction eventually. I'm going to call him tomorrow and ask him these things, as well as saying I'm very interested in pursuing a relationship with him, but only if he's comfortable with it. I am probably going to ask for some pictures. I've seen only the one of him, and it was a profile.

So, yeah. I'm probably going to force myself to slow down and take things at his pace, despite my libido wanting me to do otherwise.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm a little perplexed, and wonder if you'd mind clarifying something for me.


You've stated you're not into cheap casual sex and will only have sex within the confines of a committed relationship.

However, (physically) you're more than ready to have sex as soon as you and a guy start seeing each other.


What's the difference between what you usually do and casual sex? Because essentially you don't know the guy very well either, and just because he says he wants a relationship doesn't mean it will be one...


Anyway, just wondering about this as it doesn't look different at all, except the casual sex ppl are usually upfront and honest about it.

Regarding this current thread, remind yourself that you want mind blowing sex within the confines of a meaningful relationship

And meaningful relationships take TIME to develop.

Jumping into bed early on is the same as casual sex and that's the opposite of what you state you want.

[eskielover]

A few artchic quotes from other threads:

Most quality women aren't going to be interested in casual sex. Some may, but most will be looking for meaningful companionship first and formost.

First of all, I am quite unsure of what you mean by "have her". Is this some sort of subtle hint that you believe all women are to be "had"? If that is the case, and please forgive me if it isn't, you need to step back and rethink what it means to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean that you get to have sex. No. It means more than that. Women aren't just for having sex you know. We aren't just there to stand around looking pretty and please men at their every beck and call.

Talking to someone online doesn't make it a relaionnship until you have spent time together IRL & get to know each other.

Having sex with someone you have just met online or even sexing someone you just started talking to & being gullible & naive enough to think its a relationship still makes it casual sex. You are either totally contradicting yourself or in denial of what a REAL relationship with some really is.

[Artchic528]

Trippin and Eskielover, I am not contradicting anything. You can spin your web of perceptions all you want, but I am not contradicting anything.

What I'm getting at here is not what I said in previous posts, but the main topic I started in THIS post. I want to be that worthwhile woman, that woman who can wait for the right time to be intimate. What I don't need is for people to dredge up my past mistakes and throw them in my face like that. I realize I made mistakes. My body was doing the talking, but give me a break, it's been 4 nearly 5 years since I last felt truly intimate with a man, my body is beyond starved.

Also, I am not merely talking to this guy online, but we are conversing over the phone. We have even talked about meeting up sometime in the summer. And another thing, I never said I was in a relationship with this guy. Maybe I was being stupid with the previous one, but this one is progressing nicely and we just aren't at the point of knowing if we are boyfriend and girlfriend at all. We need to talk some more. I never said this current guy was my boyfriend or that we are currently in a relationship. What I am getting at is that I am working on making it so, if that's what's in the cards, and I don't want to botch it up with my annoying libido getting in the way.

So, as far as advice is concerned, Yis is the only one offering it to me right now. All you two are doing is pointing out faults. HOW is doing that of any help? I get that enough as it is with my father and my mother. I don't need that on here. I don't find that at all supportive.

[Trippin2.0]

Read toward the end of my response, I did address this post directly.


I said, remind yourself of what you really want, don't let your hormones and desires get in the way.


And for the record, I DID state that I was confused and thus did not understand your thought pattern.


So I was not throwing your past in your face, I was honestly trying to understand you, in order to support you, its not my fault if you've been contradictory.


So thank you for clearing that up, even if you misjudged me in the process.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Read toward the end of my response, I did address this post directly.


I said, remind yourself of what you really want, don't let your hormones and desires get in the way.


And for the record, I DID state that I was confused and thus did not understand your thought pattern.


So I was not throwing your past in your face, I was honestly trying to understand you, in order to support you, its not my fault if you've been contradictory.


So thank you for clearing that up, even if you misjudged me in the process.

There you go, throwing out that word, lol. How funny. I'm being as clear and clear can be and you think I'm being "contradictory". How CAN'T you understand what I mean and how is throwing out that word being in any way supportive?

[divine1966]

Yes keep very busy and yes use various distractions.

Also it's ok to discuss it with person you start dating.

When I've met my now fiancée we discussed that we tend to jump in to things as we are both emotional people and crave affection so we discussed that we will not have sex until we have serious feelings for each other and until we become close friends. So we dated for 3 months before we spent a night together. By dated I meant actually dated as went places and did things together not just talked. That's the longest I dated without getting intimate. It was a smart move

It's ok to discuss it shortly after you start dating ( I don't think you should tell him you are horny but it's ok to tell him you don't want to jump into it fast).

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[Finniky]

What is your goal to begin a sexual relationship? Immediately upon offically dating? One month after officially dating? Even longer? Do communicate you want to wait, right off. Then there wont be tensions or expectations upon meeting.

My suggestion when you meet is to genuinely get to know him. Watch his behaviors and nuances, listen to what he says and consider it deeply, have fun and do a lot of activities that engage you both, outside of a private setting at first. Figure out what you do and don't like about him. Get to know him on an emotional, personal level and be honest with yourself about how you feel.

You don't want to appear uninterested, so keep "busy and distracted" together. Have fun with him and engage with him in non-sexul ways. Be playful and just yourself.
You said its been a LONG time since you've had a really intimate sexual experience, so holding off with a good guy should help you achieve that again. There is nothing wrong with being a little flirty or teasing, as long as you can control yourself and learn to feel satisfaction from smaller expressions such as that. You don't have to completely starve the sexuality out of eachother.

That advice is assuming you can see him regularly.. If it will be long distance relationship with few visit I am sorry to say it is likely sex will be more complicated, but not a hurdle you can't jump.

[TishaBuv]

The guy already told you he has only had online relationships and he is 30. He has said he wants to try to see you this summer for a first time. I suggest you keep things very casual with him and put him on a back burner. There is no reason to even bring up the subject of sex. He told you the truth. He is obviously completely inexperienced. There is some issue there. If you like him, give him plenty of space and time. You have no relationship with him right now.

[divine1966]

I do have a concern though about meeting "some time this summer". It's only two hour drive so why " some time" when it could actually be like next time you two are off work? We lived an hour and a half apart and it was no biggie. I also dated someone two hours away in the past. We often met half way in both situation but since you don't drive he'd need to drive your way but why wait for that long? Is he not willing to drive see you? "Some time" would not work for me

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[Artchic528]

Finniky, we've been talking for about a few days now, so there's still plenty of time yet to get to know one another before talk of intimacy comes up. He also lives about 4 hours away from me, 2 hours more than I thought. I calculated the distance between our cities and it was around 200 miles, give or take, so yeah, it would be a bit of a long distance thing. He did mention he might come to my city once his friend who also lives in my city gets back from being on vacation. He doesn't like going to places that far away without having more than one purpose.

[divine1966]

4 hours is kind of long distance

[Finniky]

Ah, I see. I've never been in an online relationship or a long distance relationship, so approaching the beginning of intimacy when there may be limited opprotunities for physical contact to occur would be hard.

It's also complicated in the sense that beginning an official relationship in a non-long distance situation and not having sex until a month+ after is very responsible. However dating in a long-distance relationship for a few months and then having sex the first time meeting in person Can be viewed as not so responsible, due to the ongoing dilemma of how much you can truly understand someone from a long-distance from you before meeting.

Since the relationship between you two is so new, I suppose there will be more time to see if this is what you want before sex could even occur.

A long distance relationship can't be long-distance Forever. I guess sex would be okay once getting closer to knowing a guy well enough and liking eachother enough to actually know they, or you, are willing to make long term arrangements in the same city.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

There you go, throwing out that word, lol. How funny. I'm being as clear and clear can be and you think I'm being "contradictory". How CAN'T you understand what I mean and how is throwing out that word being in any way supportive?

Incase you don't know the definition, I've taken the liberty to provide it.


con-tra-dic-to-ry



[kon-truh-dik-tuh-ree]


adjective


1.

asserting the contrary or opposite; contradicting; inconsistent; logically opposite: contradictory statements.
-----------------------------------------

There is no judgment in this word, so it's not automatically unsupportive, I am not throwing it around, I am simply stating a fact, while using the word accurately.


When I declared I hated olives and then suddenly claimed to love them, that was a contradiction. People didn't understand it and I explained the change. It wasn't a negative reflection on me, it didn't mean I'm a liar or someone was judging me by pointing out the contradiction.


If you attach negative connotations to this word, then that is your issue, not mine. I can't just make up a new word that's more pleasing to your ear.


Now, in case I was somehow unclear, your view, attitude, actions or perceptions regarding sex have been contradictory. Plain and simple.


BUT you've expressed why that is (you were naive and your perceptions have changed etc) so I now understand perfectly clearly yes.


And I have thanked you for it.


My apologies for thinking we were on the same page.


I take no issue with you, I hope you know that, but I have to bow out of your thread in fear of unwittingly using any more words you take issue with and then being called out as unsupportive because of it.


I sincerely hope you and this guy figure it out, you deserve love and happiness (and earth moving sex) just like the rest of us.


Take care

[PlannedObsolescence]

If you are getting those feelings from being with someone regardless of it being on the first date or after a month of dating, why not just enjoy it? I dont know. Im probably going in the minority with my thoughts. Life is to short

[KarenSue]

Sorry for your dilemma, Artchic. Sex is important. It can be a healing thing (cures headaches for me). It can add years to your life. A strong libido is healthy.

That said, I'm not sure how to advise you. My story strays far from yours. I come from another time b4 home PC's. I met my husband very young (1974) , and have remained married to that special man for over 40 yrs. I'm 57, he is 62 and our passion never wanes.

I wish for you to run into a guy IRL that you can love and he love you back. Online/telephone dating must be grueling. I believe it takes direct frequent contact F2F to really get to know a person. (IMO) And when that happens, when you have someone you love and trust (and vice versa), your libido will be an asset, not a problem. I really wish the type of relationship I enjoy will come your way. Here's hoping you find it.

[divine1966]

I don't think you, artchic, do it on purpose, but you often get very upset when you perceive people judging you yet you judge people all the time. You said having sex while not in a serious relationship makes a woman a slut. That's very offensive to many people. That is passing judgement like there is no tomorrow yet you get angry when tipping said your posts are contradictory. That's not a judgement but stating facts. There is nothing judgmental about it.

I don't think you do it on purpose but maybe because you might have difficulty with subtle meanings?

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[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think you, artchic, do it on purpose, but you often get very upset when you perceive people judging you yet you judge people all the time. You said having sex while not in a serious relationship makes a woman a slut. That's very offensive to many people. That is passing judgement like there is no tomorrow yet you get angry when tipping said your posts are contradictory. That's not a judgement but stating facts. There is nothing judgmental about it.

I don't think you do it on purpose but maybe because you might have difficulty with subtle meanings?

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Yes, I have trouble with subtle meanings. I often don't know when I'm being teased and think the person is being serious. I also have a hard time when people try to convey something through metaphors and the like and don't explain outright that they are using a metaphor. It just goes right over my head.

For example, I was told at one point to browse the magazine rack at the local book store to see if anyone would spark my interest, all the while the person was trying to convey that as a metaphor for getting out and about more often. That subtle metaphor went right over my head. I wasn't aware in the slightest that there was more than the obvious connotation to that advice.

This is why I'm looking into getting tested to see if I have ASD. I'm pretty unaware of the subtleties of general interactions and usually only perceive things at face value.

[divine1966]

Makes sense. There is no harm in talking to a professional

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[StuckinRut]

I also have a high sex drive. I understand what you say about almost getting you into a dangerous situation. I would strongly recommend against getting physical early in a relationship. There are several reasons for this. It's important to take time to know that you're compatible with the other person on a deeper level. Sex without deeply felt mutual respect and emotional intimacy isn't much fun. It's a poor substitute for the real thing. Until you really know the person well you can't know their past history and so you could put yourself at risk of contracting an STI. Honestly it isn't worth the risk! Finally unless you have a strong foundation the relationship is unlikely to last.

[KarenSue]

I don't really know Artchic nor am I familiar with any previous posts. I must say, from an outsider's view of this thread, that a few posts seem quite off topic. I did not see anything from OP that stated she wanted casual sex. It is clear to me that she is asking for ways to restrain her purely physical desires, as a means of avoiding casual sex. Even though I feel dragging previous quotes out of context from other threads is deplorable, I only see affirmation of OP's desire to not have casual sex in those quotes also. So my question is, where the heck is the contradiction? I believe each thread should be an entity in itself, and not be used as an opportunity to drag up one's past quotes. That seems clearly aimed to take out one's own feelings about the OP, which should not be done in an open thread. I think such matters belong in a private chat or message. I also found that quoting a simple word's definition was meant to be (and is) insulting, and going way overboard to express one's negative view of the OP. Quoting a definition of a word when OP obviously knows what the word means can only be construed that it was meant to be offensive. I don't know why one does that. The problems one may have with an OP should not be aired publicly, period.

Here is a definition to ponder when we are posting to a thread:
Supportive -
1. giving support.
2. providing sympathy or encouragement:
3. providing additional help, information, etc.

Isn't that what we are supposed to be doing on PC? Helping to uplift others? Not bringing them down further? I was taught by my mom that if you can't say something positive, then don't say anything at all. Wise mom!

Best wishes for you Artchic

KarenSue, sometimes people have read more than one thread by certain posters and having a larger picture than the one thread they are posting on.

[Finniky]

Karen, I also think the OP revised/deleted some post, because the first couple people to respond commented on some offensive remark or something from the OP that is not actually in her posts at current. I'm not entirely sure however, nor do I think it is worth people fussing over.