In a lot of pain

You're a smart guy, S4. And I agree with everything you've said. And I know all of this...when I'm not in the thick of it. I hate that I know it, and I can see it, when I'm not actually trying to make something work. This is why I believe, more and more, that I simply cannot make a relationship work, period.

I noticed that he unblocked me from everything. No, I'm not going back, because I can't live with that knot in my stomach I have when I'm talking to him, and I can't maintain that level of anxiety and pain in my life. I mean, lol, it's nice to be losing weight (my psychotic patient called me obese the other day and I'm like, dude I know...) but that's not the way I want to be doing it. But...yeah...I looked. I wonder if he tried to reply to my text barrage from the other night. I wouldn't know, can't find out. And I did say he was blocked, so I doubt it.

Overall, I feel more peaceful, if not just sad and worn out. As I've said before, it's not all about him. It's more about how I feel about the relationships in my life, in general, how dissatisfied I am with all of them. I pretend I'm alright, that I'm satisfied with the level of closeness I have with friends, with the fact that I don't speak to my family (that I can't, that it wouldn't matter anyway, because they treat me the same way everyone else does--don't call, don't reach out, etc, and they are freaking toxic as hell regardless), with the fact that I seem to be invisible to men. But it really bothers me.

I am going to go to a Meetup on Saturday night, though. Might as well. Not doing anything else.

Thanks for that but idk about my smarts I try to be tho

it's not all on you. keep that in mind, if a relationship works it's about both people involved. Too many of us blame ourselves entirely when things fail. Problem is when it's working we don't take credit for it at those times the same as when we guilt ourselves when it doesn't work out. don't do that. Par of this was him not doing things that you need in a relationship too. Sure you're to blame for certain aspects but please try to see it as only half the relationship's responsibility.

This concerns me. not from the aspect of whether or not you will go back or worried about that but -- how long have you not talked much? Seems to me he has an unhealthy need here, that's my first inclination and he's trying to bait you by doing that. I wonder, considering his past gf and you... does he have an unhealthy habit of doing things to his mates like he has done to you? I wonder if it's some sort of need he has to have someone on the hook but only by a string, dragging them along. A pattern seems to be forming here. IIRC he has unblocked you before too right?

stick to your guns, stand firm on what you said just now. If you need a friend to rely on to keep you strong, you can friend me and pm me and I'm not always on pc but I will try to help

Think of health more than anything. Not the weight, not the state of what you call obesity (if you are or not I dunno) but just focus on doing things that will get you healthy and the focus on the weight needs to be minimized. sorry I went off on a tangent there. but if you look at health, you will naturally get to where you need to be.. and it works for both people over and underweight or otherwise unhealthy just my take (and no I'm not a health nut and I need to take my own advice :P)

Don't pretend, accept yourself. Accept that you are Ruari (or insert real name here) and this here, now.. is you. IT is flawed, but no more or no less flawed than the whole of society. Your life, is flawed because, well such is life.. it ebbs and flows and there is always a good and sometimes great period followed by a lull and then dips into OMGWTFDIDIDOTODESERVETHIS time.. always. I've learned to accept that those times will come. Endure the bad in order to get to the good. Same goes with friends and other people. There will be bad and good and they will come and go. accept that this is true then when it happens its not all "why me" kind of thinking but "oh, here's one of those things that I knew would eventually happen" and it's easier to cope with even if it's a challenge.

I dunno if I make sense and I know this is my thinking and I cannot force it on anyone, nor is it all correct or easy to do if you're not already there but just some thoughts for you to ponder that I hope will help a little

Yes, he blocked me the day after my birthday. I lost my shyt about something a couple of days before my birthday (IIRC, it had nothing to do with him, I broke down about some huge work stress and took it out on him), and then he withdrew, and we both said we needed to talk, but I asked if we could please do it after my bday. He agreed. Then he refused to talk the day after, I pushed, he said, no I'm tired please do not push, I got pissed and he was like BOOM, we are done. And he blocked me. And we didn't speak for two weeks, until I sent him a snail mail letter because, in that situation, it truly was my issue. He chose to respond to my letter and come back, and I think that I was initially doing a lot better, but it never was the same. I don't think he came back with a blank slate.

We have not talked much since ohhhh, maybe the second or third week of May? And that is also when I noticed him commenting/liking other women's selfies on FB and Instagram. Like, he blocked me the previous week, and in the same day the next week, he was flirting with two different women online. And they are friends of his, maybe he was just being nice. But knowing him, he was looking for attention--I think that is his need, gain attention by flirting and being flirted and bantered with because I've seen him interact like that for years, in a pretty harmless and friendly way, so it didn't bother me and it didn't raise any flags that he liked me from that, especially since he pursued me for so long. So when I asked the question, "Were you talking to someone else when we were talking?" and he said, no, he was probably telling the truth. But, from what I can tell, he may have been talking to the same women immediately before and after me. And that still sucks, especially when you ignore me online and act like you don't want people to know you're talking to a girl.

I don't know if he's baiting me. I just thought he felt, well, she's out of my life. I don't need to worry about this anymore. He could be baiting me. Wouldn't surprise me. But, since I don't feel I knew him at all, I don't think a lot would at this point. I'm not taking the bait since it's just all hollow and freaking exhausting, anyway. He's 44 years old. I know he wants a real, meaningful relationship, deep down. I can tell by the way he talks, when he does talk. But unless he chooses to go back to therapy, he'll never be able to manage it.

Well no. because unblocking someone takes actual active thinking. The thing is it's not like something that you can passively do which is something that would be implied by the "oh I don't need to worry about her anymore" and go and unblock someone. Having a block list in no way is something intrusive nor does it require one to look at after you're finished making the list unless you actively go there to see who you've blocked. I have a good long list of blocked people on Skype. Many that I don't need to worry about anymore but I would not even think about them at all or worry about the list unless I needed to go through and look at it. Takes more energy to go out of my way to get to my blocked list and remove someone than to just leave it and typically if I don't need to worry about someone any more and I'm not thinking about them they tend to remain on the blocked list until I think of them and realize they are blocked. Same with facebook, same with pretty much every social networking program I've used. and yes I think this detailed about behaviors all the time. sue me.

tldr; He had ot go out of his way to unblock you and that, alone took thought and energy.

(more on the rest of your post after I read it but this just stood out for me)

seems to me, he was and is very block-happy. He's a power tripper. it's a power thing to be able to cut someone off and know they are very aggravated and in turmoil by your doing it. It's truly a manipulation when done in the way that he is doing it. You don't need to block someone every time you don't feel like talking to them! There is a certain amount of finality to blocking someone and he abuses people by doing that. I imagine he does this with more than just you. I'm guessing...

Thanks for putting all this out there, there is so much about him that leads me to believe there is nothing about him you should feel bad about moving on from. He seems to me like a very self-focused and attention seeking male that likes the attention of females but only when and how he wants it. If it goes some other way, he's out of there, blocking them and leaving them feeling stupid for even thinking he liked them at all.

He may want a real relationship deep down but you know what? deep down is meaningless if your active behavior says otherwise.

I think it's probably better to completely cut this man from your life at this point. Like not seeing his FB or Instagram like he doesn't exist. Just my opinion. He needs to be gone to whatever "nuts land" he came from

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Sorry, I didn't see this.

I used to live in Sioux Falls, SD. I am not a Heartland, wide open space kinda gal. Though I'm beginning to wonder, as I get older, if I am beginning to be. (I know you're kidding, of course.) I'm not a fair weather friend or a keep up with the Jones' kind a person, though, no. I was out with coworkers at one of my favorite places downtown last night because it was my and the other orientee's last orientation shift, and the conversation quickly became boring to me, because it was all work gossip. Like, I realized I was incredibly out of the loop (some of the people they were talking about, I don't even know because they're too new, and also because I'm not nosy), and I really didn't care that I was out of the loop. I mean, I tried to keep up with the conversation for a second but I realized I was saying, "What?" and "Who?" so much that I was getting annoying, and I didn't care enough to even try. There was a time in my life that I would have eaten that gossip up, but last night I just sat quietly, ate my dinner, and drank my yummy drink that someone bought me. And then I went home, came online, and chatted with all of you.

PS, you aren't a loser, either.

Well, yeah. Obviously I know that. But it's a process.

I know you're a very black and white person, and I appreciate your advice and posts. I really do. But some of us don't just stop doing the things we do as easily as you apparently do. I wish I were as apparently healthy and strong as you are, then I wouldn't be in the predicament that I am now. But I'm not.

As I'm sure all of my posts probably come off as saying, I have known from the beginning what the right thing to do has been, but I have chosen the wrong thing to do. And I knew I was doing that. What I need is not someone telling me what I should do, it's just someone being my friend.

Don't know why you'd think things are easy for me. If they were, I wouldn't even advice anything because I wouldn't know. I been there been that and no one ever advised nothing until I met my therapist.

I've been in some bad predicaments in life ( didn't I just posted that I lost enormous amount of money in romance scam? Lived with alcoholic for 9 years in hopes he quits when I really had to get out in 3 months not decade later? Other stuff not really relationship related but robberies and assault etc nothing easy there.

Yes I am relatively healthy and strong but my relationship history is a book of trials and errors and choosing wrong things as I never had true role model. Whatever made you think I am black and white person I am not sure. I have a lot of life experiences so I speak from knowledge and insight.

I was hurting for you and your pain and I'd like this dude to be gone, I find him toxic. Certainly i didn't imply that it's easy or that you need to listen. I specified it is my opinion only. I just disliked him complicating your life. I assumed I was a friend for quite some time and have been there this whole time you struggled with this situation.



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You are a friend, I'm sorry. Thank you. I am being touchy and sensitive.

Which begs the question, why did you live in SD?

I'd encourage you further because there are not a whole lot of gals that fit the self honesty, fun and witty while dysfunctional category here. And they need to at least fill the first. But I know a few nurses who are pretty dissatisfied with Sanford since they took over and the other main hospital likely has a waiting list. Sigh. Most people hate the winters. But if you ever did move, I'd highly advocate Fargo!!

How are you today?


#Life is a beautiful lie#

I have a gut feeling that he flirted and pursued you for years until you tried to make it a real life relationship. Do you think he could just be happy staying safe on line and never really wanted anything in person?

the opposite of Love is indifference, yes?
The anger isn't helping you i think....

I am not angry, I'm depressed. I am not in love, I'm depressed. And yes. I think I've been aware for weeks that the anger isn't helping me.

I don't know; I am not really thinking about it anymore, tbh. It's too exhausting, and the more I do, the more my brain goes in circles about it and brings me back to everything being my fault.

I lived in SD because, when I was 14, that's where our old junker car that my mom bought to impulsively move from Salt Lake City, which was another place we lived for a few years because a different old junker car purchased to impulsively move from San Diego broke down. We lived in San Diego because my mom fancied herself a seer and saw an article in Reader's Digest about a priest who ran a gigantic homeless shelter there, and it struck her that we should move there. Yes. We moved to San Diego to live in a homeless shelter. Mainly, we slept under trees for 6 months. And no, the winters are not always warm there.

Today, I am not well. My session with my T wasn't terribly productive; I am pretty much at a dead end. I don't feel like therapy has helped me in 23 years. I've felt this way for years, which is why I usually quit, but then I'll get optimistic, think, "Well, I just didn't try hard enough," and go back. But really...it's not doing much for me. I have the same relational difficulties I've had since I was a little kid, I am the same kind of loner I was back then, only have superficial friendships just like I did as a kid in elementary school. So clearly, I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy for nothing. She asked if I'd be willing to go to meetups and stuff, meet new people, and even maybe be open to a new relationship eventually. I really am not; I don't want to go to that Meetup anymore tomorrow. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to get to know people anymore. I don't have the mental energy to care about their lives anymore; when people talk to me (offline), it all sounds like Charlie Brown adults. I have no motivation to go out and look for fun. I tried tonight, thought hey, I'll get some Chinese from my favorite place and watch Netflix. I couldn't even eat most of it, and I honestly couldn't tell you what this movie is about. I just don't care.

I sent text messages out to five different people today, three of them "good friends." No one responded. I'm tired of trying.

I will admit, I'm having some really, really dark thoughts.

(((((Ruari)))))

The traveling with your mom like that, seems pretty scary for a kid. Did it feel out of control?

You can text me, I'll text you back. I know it isn't the same, but I will. It might not even be helpful, it could be more rambling that resembles my response.

We are watching, "The Revenant" (sp) and it's horrifying. All of it.

Completely off topic but since you're a nurse....

How do you teach a child to swallow a pill without throwing up all over your couch? You might think I would know as I have 2 older children, but I swear they just figured it out without all the puking. He's 9, I imagined less puking at this age.


#Life is a beautiful lie#