[CrzyCatLady4]

Hi. I am having a difficult time right now related to the actions of my good friend. Feeling a LOT of anxiety right now, having a hard time focusing on anything else.

I've been friends her with her for 8 years and we work together. We have traveled together, our husbands know each other. So, we are close.

I noticed she became distant about 3 months ago. I asked her if she was ok. She said she was busy. About 2 weeks later, I asked her again. She snapped at me "why do you keep asking me that!". So, I backed off and figured it was something she was going through. She has still been distant. She even ignored my birthday two weeks ago.

So, on Thursday I sent her a text (I felt too uncomfortable talking to her after she snapped at me the last time) and said i noticed a distance between us, and if it is something i did to let me know so i can repair it.

Her response: "I don't think there is anything to repair. I think we just have different personalities. I feel that when you feel insecure, you sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better. It bothers me, so I decided to spend less time together to prevent it. I still enjoy our time together. I just felt it was best to take a few minutes apart so I could feel better". I responded that I never, ever meant to do anything to make her feel bad or sacrifice her feelings. Her response "I know you didn't. Thats why I didn't bring it up.". I asked if we could talk. She said she wasn't home. I replied that I would like to meet so we can talk, that I want our friendship to grow, and that I would like to know what I did so I can not do it again. I would NEVER want anyone to feel badly. I will gladly own up if my behavior or words were unkind.

I have been searching our past interactions for the last 6 months, and I honestly have no idea what she is referring to. I don't know what I ever did to make her feel badly.

So, I called her that night after I didn't hear from her. No answer. I texted onel last time yesterday morning asking if we could get together. Nothing. I have been crying on and off ever since.

I don't know where to go from here. My anxiety is crazy high and I can't stop thinking about it. I know the best thing is to just leave her alone. I'm starting to get angry, because I feel its unfair how she dropped this in my lap with no explanation and not willing to talk about it.

We work together tomorrow and, honestly, I'm scared to death to see her. It feels awkward. I'm devastated that she would sandbag and then abandon me - thats how I feel.

I need to get past this anxiety, sadness, and fear in order to face her tomorrow. Any advice? I really try to be sensitive to others in what I say and do, so this whole thing is a shock to me.

[Talthybius]

From what you tell us what she told you, it seems like she feels she isn't gaining as much from your friendship as you are, in a way.

Sounds like in a way she was your friend out of charity or convenience and now decided it doesn't benefit her or you any longer.

Note that this is interpreting what you told us what you told her based on the few things you describe here. This analysis is extrapolating a lot.
But she does say you have insecurities according to her, and you describe being anxious and crying. Not saying this isn't normal when a 8 year long friend ends a friendship.

I don't think you can say she offered no explanation, because she did. Just not a very detailed one or one you can learn from.
But she did tell you that she did enjoy her time, but maybe that aspects of a deeper friendship in her mind, where unequal. It seems she didn't feel you made her grow as a person but you did depend on her?
It doesn't sound like she feels comfortable with telling you more about why she wants this friendship to end. She must know that words of criticism from a (former) friend hurt the most.

If she doesn't want to talk to explain things further, I doubt she will be willing to do it at her job when you run into her.

[CrzyCatLady4]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

From what you tell us what she told you, it seems like she feels she isn't gaining as much from your friendship as you are, in a way.

Sounds like in a way she was your friend out of charity or convenience and now decided it doesn't benefit her or you any longer.

Wow. I never looked at it that way. Thank you for the input. It seems cold to put relationships into the context of "it doesn't benefit her or you any longer". I would hope someone wouldn't be my friend out of charity. That makes me seem pathetic, which I am not.

I just wish she had given us the opportunity to talk about issues as they came up, and not to just decide that she is done with me, so that's it. I don't operate that way, so it feels very foreign to me. She is a very matter-of-fact person, I'm more sensitive.

i know she probably won't talk with me about it, probably never. Just seeking advice on how to take care of myself in light of this. Being around her at work will be awkward, but I can fake it. We are supposed to go on a trip with 2 other ladies in 2 weeks out of state. Considering not going, because it will feel awkward.

[tabenda]

I became very close to a friend when she and I were both unhappy in our marriages. We were both struggling and found in each other the company we needed at that time. We were close, we said we loved each other and we spent a great deal of time together. She ended up leaving her husband before I left mine, and when she did that, our relationship changed. She was distant, less responsive and we didn't see each other much. I was hurt and tried to find out why, but often she just avoided me. I backed off until it became apparent that she was actively avoiding me, while continuing to be friends with my now ex-husband. She would borrow my car to go on a wine-tasting trip.... but not invite me. Or she would meet my ex at our house to go to yoga together, but not bother to say hi. I was hurt and angry and confronted her about her actions (I mean really, you act like you dislike me, but you borrow my cars?). What she said to me was that she was at a place in her life where she was focusing on the positive. Ultimately, I took that to mean that our prior closeness came about when we needed each other at very negative and toxic times in our lives. She reached a place of peace, when leaving her husband, while I was still struggling with reaching the conclusion to leave my husband. For her, I feel I was still stuck in a more negative place and she was distancing herself from that to allow herself to move on from that place in her life. It hurt, I still in some ways resent that she wasn't there for me when I needed her, but I let the friendship go as at this point, it now represented something toxic to me.

I think it's true that people come into your life for various reasons, when you need that friendship, and when your needs change, the friendship may also change. And sometimes, your friend reaches that place before you do. I will always miss the friendship I had with her, but after one attempt about a year later to repair things, I realized that I didn't need a friend who was only there when she needed something. I want friends in my life who I can count on when times are tough. And I have to recognize that toxic friendships are unlikely to last.

I'm not saying this all applies to your friendship, but what may apply, is the saying about people come into your life for a reason. Maybe her need for you has been filled and she is growing away from you. I imagine how you handle this change will determine if she remains a friend that you can enjoy your upcoming trip with.

[CrzyCatLady4]

Originally Posted by tabenda

I think it's true that people come into your life for various reasons, when you need that friendship, and when your needs change, the friendship may also change. And sometimes, your friend reaches that place before you do. I will always miss the friendship I had with her, but after one attempt about a year later to repair things, I realized that I didn't need a friend who was only there when she needed something. I want friends in my life who I can count on when times are tough. And I have to recognize that toxic friendships are unlikely to last.

I'm not saying this all applies to your friendship, but what may apply, is the saying about people come into your life for a reason. Maybe her need for you has been filled and she is growing away from you. I imagine how you handle this change will determine if she remains a friend that you can enjoy your upcoming trip with.

I will say that she is very unhappy in her home and work life. I have been doing a lot of change work in the last 18 months, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm growing and she isn't. Maybe being around me when she is so unhappy and angry is hard for her. So, for now, I will send her good energy and give her space. Maybe we have outgrown each other. Its sad, because I really do love her. But if she is going to be unkind and push me away, then I don't need that.

[kamikazebaby]

Someone else said something about your friend feeling things were unbalanced in the friendship, and I agree with that assessment. This seems to strongly indicate that:

Originally Posted by CrzyCatLady4

Her response: "I don't think there is anything to repair. I think we just have different personalities. I feel that when you feel insecure, you sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better. It bothers me, so I decided to spend less time together to prevent it. I still enjoy our time together. I just felt it was best to take a few minutes apart so I could feel better".

Withdrawal makes sense if she's feeling drained and overspent. She was apparently convinced that talking about it would not help, so putting more pressure on her will make her withdraw further.

It may seem cold to talk in terms of benefit/deficit, but it's healthy and reasonable for people to evaluate that balance and take action when they end up having too great a deficit. It's self-protection, and in more extreme cases, self-preservation.

I'm quite curious to know what she is thinking about when she says, "You sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better."

Originally Posted by CrzyCatLady4

I have been searching our past interactions for the last 6 months, and I honestly have no idea what she is referring to. I don't know what I ever did to make her feel badly.

Maybe it's an issue that has been more long-term, or maybe it's simply not logged, whatever it is. It could be that part of it does come down to "different personalities" - in other words, the fit is no longer a good one (or was not matched enough to maintain the friendship indefinitely). It doesn't mean either person is bad, just that there's not a high enough level of compatibility, or maybe some key incompatibilities.

I think not pushing her is the best thing. Whatever you do, don't mention it at work, and try to act as normal as possible.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by CrzyCatLady4

I will say that she is very unhappy in her home and work life. I have been doing a lot of change work in the last 18 months, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm growing and she isn't. Maybe being around me when she is so unhappy and angry is hard for her. So, for now, I will send her good energy and give her space. Maybe we have outgrown each other. Its sad, because I really do love her. But if she is going to be unkind and push me away, then I don't need that.

Then she can handle even less pressure and/or deficit in her life. I don't get the feeling (from what you've posted) that this is about her resenting or envying some kind of change or progress you've made in your life. From what you've said of her words and actions, she really doesn't seem like an angry or unkind person. Even though you have been hurt by some of her words and actions, I think she is actually trying not to hurt you. She needs to withdraw, but she doesn't throw spiteful/hurtful words at you or completely abandon you (terminate the friendship altogether) without a word. She says nice things like she still enjoys the time together and that she knows you weren't trying to make her feel bad or do anything wrong.

I think from this new post that it does not sound like you wish her well or love her.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by CrzyCatLady4

Her response: "I don't think there is anything to repair. I think we just have different personalities. I feel that when you feel insecure, you sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better. It bothers me, so I decided to spend less time together to prevent it. I still enjoy our time together. I just felt it was best to take a few minutes apart so I could feel better".

So, I called her that night after I didn't hear from her. No answer. I texted onel last time yesterday morning asking if we could get together. Nothing. I have been crying on and off.

I think you are continuing to do exactly what she said was the problem-- you are containing to ignore what she needs (space/distance) in order to make yourself feel better. She said she does not want to repair the relationship and instead of accepting that, you have called, emailed, and texted because YOU feel upset and insecure and you want to repair the relationship for your own reasons. You are ignoring the fact that she said she does not want to repair it and she needs distance from you so that she can take care of her own needs and feelings. What she is doing is not selfish-- people have the right to end friendships and take time to themselves when they need it. She told you exactly what she needed, and you ignored her to focus on your own needs again-- proving her point. If you want to fix your working relationship with her, then give her the space she has asked for and stop pressing her to explain more and try to repair the friendship. Part of life is people growing apart or realizing that they no longer benefit from certain relationships. It can hurt, but it's just something we have to accept sometimes. In order to take care of your own feelings (rather than rely on her to "fix" them by becoming friends again), focus on your other relationships-- your husband, friends, other family members, etc. Or focus on hobbies, work, or other skills/pursuits that make you feel good about yourself. If you focus on things that you do well or relationships that are satisfying, you will feel more confident and be less likely to let the needy/insecure part of yourself rule the show.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think you are continuing to do exactly what she said was the problem-- you are containing to ignore what she needs (space/distance) in order to make yourself feel better. She said she does not want to repair the relationship and instead of accepting that, you have called, emailed, and texted because YOU feel upset and insecure and you want to repair the relationship for your own reasons. You are ignoring the fact that she said she does not want to repair it and she needs distance from you so that she can take care of her own needs and feelings. What she is doing is not selfish-- people have the right to end friendships and take time to themselves when they need it. She told you exactly what she needed, and you ignored her to focus on your own needs again-- proving her point. If you want to fix your working relationship with her, then give her the space she has asked for and stop pressing her to explain more and try to repair the friendship. Part of life is people growing apart or realizing that they no longer benefit from certain relationships. It can hurt, but it's just something we have to accept sometimes. In order to take care of your own feelings (rather than rely on her to "fix" them by becoming friends again), focus on your other relationships-- your husband, friends, other family members, etc. Or focus on hobbies, work, or other skills/pursuits that make you feel good about yourself. If you focus on things that you do well or relationships that are satisfying, you will feel more confident and be less likely to let the needy/insecure part of yourself rule the show.

I don't know what the right answer is, but you can't really blame her for feeling the way she does. This is what happens with a person who has anxiety issues. They start to lose something and want to grasp at whatever possible to hold on to it and bring it back. If her "friend" doesn't like it, that's her problem.

No it is not selfish to want time for yourself. Society has taught us that we need to put ourselves first, even if we leave a trail of broken hearts in our wake. You're right.

Ending a friendship should be a carefully considered thing. And it should be for better reasons. Reasons less cliched, like "I'm not in a good place right now," or
the stupid, vague reasons she gave. "You feel insecure, then sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better." What is that? Doesn't anybody speak normally anymore? Besides, doesn't she know her friend isn't perfect, has flaws, etc.? Maybe she really doesn't get it.

"I needed to take a few minutes so I could feel better..."

Well it seems like it's been longer than a few minutes.

And this is the problem with people claiming they need a "break" or "space" when they are ending things, or taking a long time "off" .... They don't bother to say "I need a week, a month, maybe a few days, I'll call you next week, I'll call you in the near future, I'll get in touch with you some other time," or "I don't know when I'll contact you again."

She should just be honest, because "a few minutes" goes by REALLY fast.

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

I don't know what the right answer is, but you can't really blame her for feeling the way she does. This is what happens with a person who has anxiety issues. They start to lose something and want to grasp at whatever possible to hold on to it and bring it back. If her "friend" doesn't like it, that's her problem.

No it is not selfish to want time for yourself. Society has taught us that we need to put ourselves first, even if we leave a trail of broken hearts in our wake. You're right.

Ending a friendship should be a carefully considered thing. And it should be for better reasons. Reasons less cliched, like "I'm not in a good place right now," or
the stupid, vague reasons she gave. "You feel insecure, then sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better." What is that? Doesn't anybody speak normally anymore? Besides, doesn't she know her friend isn't perfect, has flaws, etc.? Maybe she really doesn't get it.

"I needed to take a few minutes so I could feel better..."

Well it seems like it's been longer than a few minutes.

And this is the problem with people claiming they need a "break" or "space" when they are ending things, or taking a long time "off" .... They don't bother to say "I need a week, a month, maybe a few days, I'll call you next week, I'll call you in the near future, I'll get in touch with you some other time," or "I don't know when I'll contact you again."

She should just be honest, because "a few minutes" goes by REALLY fast.

"A few minutes" is a figure of speech. Kind of like when I say, "I took a nap for a hot minute." I didn't take a nap for a minute. I took a nap for probably an hour or so. It's pretty well accepted that, in those two cases, a "minute" isn't a minute.

I also think her friend was very clear. "You feel insecure, then sacrifice my feelings to make yourself feel better" would tell me that my friend is feeling I neglect her and focus on my needs too much. I know this, because I've had someone say something similar to me in the past. This friend was more passive, and I am not. As a result, she would just let me go on about myself and never chime in about her life, her needs, nothing. That could be a similar dynamic. I'm not saying anyone is completely right or completely wrong in this situation, I'm just saying that the friend who wanted space was clear--she wants space. She doesn't need to specify a length of time. Things aren't working for her right now, she seems to know that having a conversation about it isn't going to be productive (I'm gathering, by the OP's reaction), and this is her way of setting boundaries. Whether she's doing it correctly or not, I don't know. But that's what I think.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

No it is not selfish to want time for yourself. Society has taught us that we need to put ourselves first, even if we leave a trail of broken hearts in our wake. You're right.

Ending a friendship should be a carefully considered thing. And it should be for better reasons.

I think not wanting to be friends anymore, or needing time to oneself, are perfectly good reasons to end a friendship. Just because you've been friends for a period of time doesn't mean you *owe* it to the other person to be friends until the day you die. People change and grow apart or meet people whose company they enjoy more.

We have so little free time in the first place, we deserve to spend it with people whose company we enjoy. Or being alone and recharging our batteries.

It is selfish of the other person to *demand* that we owe them a better explanation or maintain the friendship, even if we don't want to.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think not wanting to be friends anymore, or needing time to oneself, are perfectly good reasons to end a friendship. Just because you've been friends for a period of time doesn't mean you *owe* it to the other person to be friends until the day you die. People change and grow apart or meet people whose company they enjoy more.

We have so little free time in the first place, we deserve to spend it with people whose company we enjoy. Or being alone and recharging our batteries.

It is selfish of the other person to *demand* that we owe them a better explanation or maintain the friendship, even if we don't want to.

I think, a lot of the history should come in to play. Telling someone you have "hung out" with here and there for a year or two that you need "time" and "space" is perhaps enough.

If it's a friend you've known for years, a friend who you have invested time into their lives and vice versa, a friend you've been with as they've gone through Hell and back, the whole "I need time to myself now" isn't good enough. In my opinion.

Just my take on that. Not saying what these two individuals involved should do. I don't agree with the "friend" but I don't have to and it doesn't matter anyway.