[tonydouglas]

i'm a male in my mid thirties who's been dealing with depression for many years. i haven't had an SO since high school, and i have very little experience with dating.

[short version - i met a woman in may, hung out with her pretty regularly, but never made a move. could never identify the right "when" and "how". is there any hope to save this thing?]

by complete luck, i managed to meet a pretty great girl back in may. we connected well, stayed in very regular contact (via text however), and spent time together regularly doing things such as going for walks/hikes with her dog, going out to eat, out for drinks, hanging at her place just eating/talking/watching tv etc.. this was something i hadn't experienced with another person in a very, very long time. i actually couldn't believe it was happening, and quite frankly, it scared the ***** out of me. but, i was trying to roll with it, hoping it could be a sign of an actual positive change for me.

so while it was going well, and she must have been at least somewhat in to me, i was always way too nervous and unsure to make a move. we hug goodbye, but that's it. for weeks (or months), i'd be driving home after those hugs kicking myself for not sucking it up and going for more.

now, for the last couple of weeks, things seem to have changed.. it seems like she's pulling away. the text frequency has dropped, and while i saw her last weekend (dinner at a bar, ice cream, movie and i STILL didn't do anything..), she "couldn't make it" when i asked if she wanted to get together again later in the week. granted, she actually was going out of town for a long weekend, but it just doesn't feel good.. it's feeling like she's at least starting to move on. we've had a couple of good text exchanges lately, but it's not what it was.

the other day, i told asked her if we could get together when she got home to discuss some things. she said yes. so, it seems like it's now or never time.

is there any hope to salvage this thing, or did i blow it? i'm thinking it's too late. and when this get together comes up, i'll be even more nervous and awkward given the circumstances, so i have no idea how to say what i want to say - or show what i want to show.

ugh.

thanks for any insights

[Bill3]

so i have no idea how to say what i want to say - or show what i want to show.

What exactly do you want to say?

[Talthybius]

You are the person that is most qualified to judge this situation. Your instincts sound spot on.

You blew the chance you had and we can't tell you if there are second chances.

How can she be under the illusion you will sweep her off her feet if the most romantic thing you are willing to do is help her walk her dog?

Maybe there are women out there who can overrule their instincts and that do go for beta males. But most don't.

Why are you texting? You aren't a 17 year old girl. Don't have a text relationship if you want a romantic relationship. Even this girls and women who do tons of texting, I doubt they dream about how wonderful it is to text with their prince charming.

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What exactly do you want to say?

i would like to let her know that i do in fact have feelings for her and that i am interested in advancing the relationship (now, whether or not i'm actually capable of having an actual relationship with someone right now is highly uncertain, but hey..).

i'd imagine that i would also have to come up with an explanation for dragging my feet. though when the truth is that i just completely lack experience and confidence, that wouldn't exactly draw her in..

Originally Posted by Talthybius

You are the person that is most qualified to judge this situation. Your instincts sound spot on.

You blew the chance you had and we can't tell you if there are second chances.

How can she be under the illusion you will sweep her off her feet if the most romantic thing you are willing to do is help her walk her dog?

Maybe there are women out there who can overrule their instincts and that do go for beta males. But most don't.

Why are you texting? You aren't a 17 year old girl. Don't have a text relationship if you want a romantic relationship. Even this girls and women who do tons of texting, I doubt they dream about how wonderful it is to text with their prince charming.

all very good points.

i guess i'm just wondering if it's at all possible in situations like this where things can be salvaged, despite one person's actions and inactions all but ruining the situation. my thin glimmer of hope is that she is still staying in touch and she was receptive to getting together to talk. i realize that could all just be "friend zone" type of stuff, but i guess i'll find out soon.

[Deeplyhurt77]

You have to face you fears and let her know how you feel unless you are ready to let her go. You can do this. Especially if you really like her.

[Skeezyks]

Hello tonydouglas: I see this is your first post here on PC. So, although you've already received several replies to this post, I'll say... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. You know what they say about assuming... it makes an *** out of you & me. So my suggestion is: don't assume anything. Get together with this lady at your next opportunity & give it your best shot. So what if it's awkward? If she cares for you, she won't mind. She'll probably even be touched. If she doesn't you'll at least know where you stand.

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by Deeplyhurt77

You have to face you fears and let her know how you feel unless you are ready to let her go. You can do this. Especially if you really like her.

yea, that's what it comes down to at this point. need to just buck up. thanks

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello tonydouglas: I see this is your first post here on PC. So, although you've already received several replies to this post, I'll say... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. You know what they say about assuming... it makes an *** out of you & me. So my suggestion is: don't assume anything. Get together with this lady at your next opportunity & give it your best shot. So what if it's awkward? If she cares for you, she won't mind. She'll probably even be touched. If she doesn't you'll at least know where you stand.

thank you skeezy for the welcome and the insight. if nothing else, this whole experience has been a real wake up call that i need to get serious about addressing my ongoing issues with depression, etc. looks like this place could play a role in that effort, so again, thanks for the welcome!

i'll have to just try to get my thoughts together, figure out an approach and as you said, give it my best shot with this girl. just even knowing where i stand would be a relief in itself, as this last week or two has been pretty agonizing. and maybe i'll get lucky and there will still be a chance with her. only one way to find out!

[Talthybius]

Don't tell her your feelings. Tell her your intentions. You will have more success if in her mind, your feelings seem to be unclear and you seem to have plenty of many options.

I agree with others, it sounds like she really likes you, possibly as more than a friend.

I know these things are hard when you are shy, but I don't believe you've blown it, she's still on the scene after all and giving every indication she likes you.

Best of luck to you.

PS - As regards your shyness, she may well find that attractive, lots of women do, so just be yourself that's the best you can be.

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I agree with others, it sounds like she really likes you, possibly as more than a friend.

I know these things are hard when you are shy, but I don't believe you've blown it, she's still on the scene after all and giving every indication she likes you.

Best of luck to you.

PS - As regards your shyness, she may well find that attractive, lots of women do, so just be yourself that's the best you can be.

i appreciate that optimism, thanks

but i'm really not sure that she feels that way now. it's all just different than it was. and i get that the window is likely closed and that she's come to think that i'm not into her, which makes complete sense from her perspective.

i feel like i need to offer some explanation as to why i was tentative, and that i can't just suddenly come out now and say i have feelings for her. i'm very, very guarded and slow to let people get close, and that was all part of this as well. but if i offer that as my explanation, i can't see that making me more appealing to her as something more than a friend. my gut's telling me to be honest and hope she'll be understanding.

we've planned to get together tomorrow after work, though i've had an urge to call before that. but i'm going to try to wait until i see her before getting into this.

[Bill3]

my gut's telling me to be honest and hope she'll be understanding.

Yes. You are giving her an idea of who you are, and you will find out if she can be into you. Better to find out now rather than give up and never find out.

[divine1966]

Go for it. Nothing to lose really. Let us know how it goes please

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Yes. You are giving her an idea of who you are, and you will find out if she can be into you. Better to find out now rather than give up and never find out.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Go for it. Nothing to lose really. Let us know how it goes please

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

yep, just have to do it.

i appreciate the insights everyone

Originally Posted by tonydouglas

i appreciate that optimism, thanks

but i'm really not sure that she feels that way now. it's all just different than it was. and i get that the window is likely closed and that she's come to think that i'm not into her, which makes complete sense from her perspective.

i feel like i need to offer some explanation as to why i was tentative, and that i can't just suddenly come out now and say i have feelings for her. i'm very, very guarded and slow to let people get close, and that was all part of this as well. but if i offer that as my explanation, i can't see that making me more appealing to her as something more than a friend. my gut's telling me to be honest and hope she'll be understanding.

we've planned to get together tomorrow after work, though i've had an urge to call before that. but i'm going to try to wait until i see her before getting into this.

Yes, go with your gut, honesty is usually appreciated by most people. She's stuck around you this long so chances are she'll be receptive to at least listen.

I have no idea what you are doing with her when you get together....I can tell you what I would respond to:

Wait until it's just the two of you (no TV or music or other people in the vicinity), turn to her and look her directly in the eyes and say "Did I blow it with you?". Don't smile or laugh or say it at the end of any kind of funny discussion. And, yes, looking into her eyes is very important.

It's direct and romantic. Don't say anything else. Just listen.

Good luck!

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I have no idea what you are doing with her when you get together....I can tell you what I would respond to:

Wait until it's just the two of you (no TV or music or other people in the vicinity), turn to her and look her directly in the eyes and say "Did I blow it with you?". Don't smile or laugh or say it at the end of any kind of funny discussion. And, yes, looking into her eyes is very important.

It's direct and romantic. Don't say anything else. Just listen.

Good luck!

wow, i like that idea! keeps me from having to babble about excuses and cuts right to the chase.. i'm going to strongly consider that approach, thank you.

we're going to get ice cream.. that was her call. driving around looking for local, homemade ice cream shops/stands is something she (and i too) enjoys and we've done a good amount of. maybe that's a positive that she wanted to so something like that..

Good luck - and I agree with Sophiesmom, that would be an incredibly romantic gesture.

I think it's very positive she wanted to hang out with you. Best wishes and let us know how things go.

PS If she says "no" then kiss her...no words, please.

[tonydouglas]

well.. we had our talk on tuesday. *i'm blurry on the details because my nerves and adrenaline were pumping so hard that I can't even remember it all.

i didn't end up going with sophiesmom's suggestion, though i was on fence until the last minute. i almost flaked out, but i eventually brought up the issue of things feeling different between us lately and that i'd like to talk about it since we never had really talked about "us" previously. *before i could even really get into what i was going to say, she started to breakdown crying.. apparently she'd been dealing with a lot of things in her life. she apologized for*seeming distant, and said it had nothing to do with me. *she hasn't "been herself" and she's just been really unsure about things in her life*lately due to all that's going on. *she was pretty upset, and i was a little hesitant at *that point to start making it about me and what i felt, but i did tell her that though i*may not have really shown it, that I really do like her and I want to be a part of her life. *i*mentioned how much fun it is to spend time with her and that i*want more of that, and I wanted to see what could grow out of that (or something like that, I really can't remember). *she said that she really liked spending time with me too, apologized again for being withdrawn, and said she's just trying to get through this tough stretch. * i had my arm around her, just consoling her at this point, and told her that i want to be there to help her however i can. *she smiled and thanked me.**then we had a good long hug at the end of it.

so.. i'm still a little unsure about where things stand as far as we go. *it definitely went in an unexpected direction there.. *and i didn't quite get a chance to say everything i may have wanted. *but there were a couple of positive signs i guess: *she felt comfortable opening up to me about these personal issues. *she did say she enjoyed spending time with me. * so, i'm still not 100% on where "we" are, but it seems like maybe there could be some*chance of something*happening. *i felt pretty good as i was leaving there, but some uncertainty has crept back in as i *thought about it more. *

i decided that after tuesday night, that i wasn't going to contact her first. *she texted me in the afternoon and was pretty chatty through the evening - though there was*no mention of what we talked about. *not sure what to think *about that..

so that's basically where things are. *i appreciate all the support and advice everyone's given. *it felt good to open up with her (a bit) on how i felt, *though it would *have *been nice to get full clarity on *how she feels about me.***the saga continues i guess..*i feel like i need to followup with her on our talk soon. *just trying to figure out the when and how.

all i know is that i've been a lot less stressed over the last 24 hours!

thanks again everyone

So glad you feel better about the situation, it sounds like she has some challenges at the moment and she appreciates your support. Good for you!

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

So glad you feel better about the situation, it sounds like she has some challenges at the moment and she appreciates your support. Good for you!

thanks!

yea, she's certainly working through some things. i'm happy to be there for her in whatever way i can. this actually helps fit my slow moving pace. so i'll stay in the picture since she seems to want that to some degree at least, and we'll see what happens.

[Bill3]

Well done!

i decided that after tuesday night, that i wasn't going to contact her first.

Unless she were ever to give you an explicit don't contact me statement or vibe, I think you should avoid self-generated rules such as quoted above and simply contact her as your heart guides you.

[tonydouglas]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Well done!

Unless she were ever to give you an explicit don't contact me statement or vibe, I think you should avoid self-generated rules such as quoted above and simply contact her as your heart guides you.

thanks!

and yes, i see what you're saying. and i bet that that i would have caved and reached out to her if she hadn't. it seems like a delicate situation.. i want to stay involved and "be there" for her, but not push too much while she's going through what she's going through.