Feeling like garbage... can't find any dating mojo...

I think it's a tough scene out there, especially as we get older. Not to mention if you're off the beaten track/not as mainstream, that makes it tricky, too. I think different groups tend to focus on different sites, perhaps? For instance, I think OKC may appeal more to people who don't fit so neatly into the traditional categories. I've seen way more transgendered people on there than on any of the other sites, for instance.

I am actually close to Burnt's age, and of course I have a career as well. Yet I prefer the variety and quirkiness of the people on OKC because I am a quirky sort. I also like being able to message and see their information for free. I actually have a paid account, but I like that they don't force it on you. Few sites allow people that freedom anymore.

I really am being honest when I say that I haven't seen anything yet that seems like it would be a problem for him. (It also depends on what sort of girl he's looking for, I think.) But he's here to get a variety of perspectives. Just having one wouldn't help him very much!

Of course Kami. That's what this site is good for. Many opinions. I know it's tough to find the right person no matter where one looks, but I'd like to see Burnt getting a date!

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I would like to see him get a good date, too! He seems like a lovely person. He's also in touch with his emotions and quite capable of expressing them, which is a definite plus.

Yup I feel the same here. Yet something is missing for Burnt. I really would like to see his profile and more pics so kind of have an idea of what might be an issue.

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Sorry about the delay in reply here. Bear with me. Quite a volley of stuff was thrown out there and I've had to topically parse things a bit here. I really appreciate what you have to say here, Kamikaze. You more-or-less covered what I would have said, and seem to get where I'm coming from a good bit.

Sincere apologies if some of my retort sounds a bit pedantic. I'm really just trying to be clear about my experience and perspective here:

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I am surprised you referring to pof or OK Cupid or tinder as sites for educated people. These are hook up sites primarily or for people who can't afford memberships on paid sites or are too cheao. Sure some people met others on those but those aren't plenty. I have not heard of any intelligent employed professional who is looking for serious relationship on there. Creative? Progressive? On free hook up sites? You kidding? women of class aren't there. Trust me. And women don't like men who use unpaid sites.

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Divine, in my experience, OKC has been one of the best sites for matches and availability. Definitely better than Match, POF, eHarmony, etc. Having to pay for a subscription does not guarantee that a site is decent, sadly. Oh, and I'm educated and have encountered other educated people on OKC. There really are all sorts of people on there. (Personally, I would never just hook up with someone, and I don't care if someone pays for a subscription or not. I only care about the quality of the person.)

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I think it's a tough scene out there, especially as we get older. Not to mention if you're off the beaten track/not as mainstream, that makes it tricky, too. I think different groups tend to focus on different sites, perhaps? For instance, I think OKC may appeal more to people who don't fit so neatly into the traditional categories. I've seen way more transgendered people on there than on any of the other sites, for instance. I am actually close to Burnt's age, and of course I have a career as well. Yet I prefer the variety and quirkiness of the people on OKC because I am a quirky sort. I also like being able to message and see their information for free. I actually have a paid account, but I like that they don't force it on you. Few sites allow people that freedom anymore.

While personal experiences and regional demographics may absolutely vary, I think you'd be hard pressed find too many people who didn't agree that Ok Cupid leans a good bit to the left, tends to skew on the college educated & secular side of things, tends to draw more on the pre-first marriage end of the continuum, and is preferred by the proverbial "freaks & geeks" types.

In fact, the gist of their demographics is published in Christian Rudder's book 'Dataclysm (Who We Are When We Think No One's Looking)' which is about big data. The guys who started Ok Cupid are MIT grads who are math/data geeks. It's been as much of an exercise in trends in big data as has been about being on online dating site. Rudder laments this point in particular in the chapter about race, knowing their user base was inherently more progressive than the norm. It's a phenomenal (and somewhat depressing) book by the way.

Plenty of Fish, Match, eHarmony, etc. all have been much more conservative, traditionalist, religious (eHarmony in particular), and less educated (PoF in particular), in my experience.

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I don't know why you are referring to yourself as millennial. You are almost 40.

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Millennials could certainly be in his dating range as the transition point between the two is supposedly early 80s.

There's no hard agreed upon date on when the Millennials start. Some say as early as '77 (my birth year) or as late as '83. Some say there's a "lost" generation in-between Gen X'ers and the Millennials. I personally don't put myself under either moniker. At best I'll timeline myself a late-bloomer from the end of Gen X, but in general I personally identify more with the Millennials: My tastes, my experiences, and my worldview tend to line up better with people in that bracket. I got through college on schedule, but my career (like many ID career paths) was a bit more of a waiting game. And then like many Millennials, I got laid up by the '08 recession right when I started building my career, and pretty much spent the first half of my thirties looking for work. It was absolutely brutal. I burnt through my entire life savings built up to that point. I finally got a job in 2013 (at age 36). This is part of the reason I'm where I'm at. I feel like I'm playing catch-up. That's not to say I don't have friends and associates my age. I do, as well as friends significantly older, and notably younger than myself. I always have had a diversity in my social circle though. That goes back to high school. It's all about interests and mindset for me.

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No need for pics of family or friends on there. No one wants to see those.

See, I've been told that pics with friends show that you're not a weirdo that people don't want to be around, and pics with family demonstrate that you care about your family. I don't have a friends group one on there now and haven't always had the family one. I'll take it off, but I'm pretty sure that's not the proverbial chink in the armor here.

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I am a decent looking woman but when I used dating sites I never thought of putting 6 pics. One can see how I look on two. Why so many?

I've had as few as three or four. I think there's only five on my Tinder profile now. I was just going for a little variety.

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I am not saying you are too good to be true but you kind of describing yourself as you are. You are saying you have low self esteem but you don't come across that way. Are you humble in your profile?

I have a... um... "confused" sense of self esteem for lack of a better term. I work reasonably hard to make myself the best I can be. I'm a designer by trade and by nature I pay attention to the details... so when I get up in the morning, put the energy into getting ready: I look in the mirror and see someone I genuinely think is a pretty good looking and cool guy, but in the back of my brain, the logic department doing the math on all the opportunities that aren't there... weeks, months, years without matches... it says, "Field reports say you're still a hideous pile of s**t." I've got some pretty thick skin, but Maslow would agree that you can't spend years on end with no positive reinforcement and not start to break down. I get really depressed about it if I really think about it... like bad depressed...

And, yes, as far as I know, I'm humble in my profile. I'm naturally pretty humble as I'm of the opinion that more you know, the more you know you don't know.

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Do you describe yourself as freelance? It often means unemployed or not having steady job. Maybe just say you are designer and then explain what kind when you have a date.

On dating sites, I've been listed as a 'Sr. Industrial Designer and R&D for Product Development' for the last three years. On here, because I am wantonly freelancing/contracting at the moment. Thirty seven people were recently laid off from the company that I was working for and I was one of them. I already had some semi-regular side work going with my old bosses new startup (which has over a million in pre-orders already), and I've decided to take the time to evaluate what I want to do next rather than just blasting resumes out at anything and everything. I made rather good money at my last gig, and my freelance rate is $60/hr. So I'm doing okay with just the freelance. I'm one-hundred percent debt free (not even a car payment), several years worth of money in the bank, and I live pretty frugally in most respects, so I'm using the time to re-center my bearings, spend some time on some self-improvement, particularly my health, and move forward in a calculated manner. Just got to thinking tonight that I might go to my dad's summer home in Daytona Beach for a few weeks and work remotely from there for a change of scenery.

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What age women do you want to date? Judging by the kind of sites you use, you might be going for young women . They don't want 40 year old man. Go for women your age or even a bit older. The very fact you refer to them as "girls is kind of strange. What age are you considering?

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Also, I often say "boys/girls" myself. It's just a preference/quirk of word choice. Nothing more than that.

Yeah, I think for me it's a New Yorker (where I grew up) thing. I call groups of people "you guys" even if it's a group of ladies or mixed gender.

As for my considerations, I'm keeping a range open because you never know... you know? What's more important to me is that our respective places in life line up more than anything. I tend to focus a few years younger than myself, then work my way outwards in either direction. My experience has been contrary to what you say above, though. Women closer to my own age tend to be less responsive and/or interested than younger ones. The last date I went on (~3 years ago) was 30, and my last girlfriend about a year earlier than that was 24. She contacted me first, BTW. Even then, my search range cut off a good bit over that... but like I said, you never know. Women aren't a hive mind with one universal outlook. I'd like someone around-ish my age, but it's not a high priority for me. There are much more relevant variables, IMHO.

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I don't know. I know geeky techie guys. Heck my own brother is. They don't grow beards like this. The only guys with these long beards I know are my fiancée's relatives ( also long hair and drinking horns ). They aren't techie. Lol They kind of duck dynasty look alike ( not him, just his family, he is a bit of an outcast). I am not saying you got to lose your beard though. But you have nice looking face and beard covers much of it. Like you are hiding. Personally I'd like to see the whole face.

With all do respect, I'm not going to beat the beard thing to death (or my hair... or my fashion sense), so if that's all that this is going be about, I'm afraid I'm done here. Fact is, I have only had a beard for about a year now, before that I was clean shaven. I was online dating for almost five years without one and getting a similarly hollow result. Heck, one of my pics on my profile (the one of me playing guitar live) is partially on there to show that I'm not hiding anything under my beard. I've joked about it in the caption. Also, I've never had a Duck Dynasty beard. It's rather short-ish at the moment, a stiletto style, edged nicely and faded to a clean neck-line... but even when it was longer, it was meticulously shaped and cared for (it's a lot of work, FYI). I got regular compliments on how good it looked. Never have I had a scraggly, hillbilly beard. You can toss out the pejoratives "hipster" (though I'm more metalhead than indie rocker) or "lumbersexual" (though I don't own a stitch of flannel), but racist mountain hick doesn't come close to applying here. Finally: I'm not shaving it. I probably eventually will shave it (I like to change up my style fairly regularly), but the fact is I see guys all over the place with beards with perfectly lovely girlfriends. They're usually a bit on the alternative side themselves, but that's kinda the point. Again, it may be a regional thing with Divine's locale, but most major cities I've been in, the beard thing is kinda a thing... particularly in alt/creative/muso circles. Same goes for undercut hairstyles. Women even put this stuff on their profiles, "I like beards", or message me if "you have a beard". What those guys are doing right, I dunno.

Unfortunately (and probably unsurprisingly as designer & rocker type), I'm not a big sports bro. I love motor racing, particularly F1 and Le Mans, but the gym is a necessary evil if I'm to keep my trim lines and health & energy levels... so I just kill myself 3-4 times week for an hour or so and get outta there.

I like OKC's emails about how they compile their data, the statistics, etc.

Curse of having a brain that just won't stop. Mine does the same thing, and I've had this same conversation with people who believe that "think positive" is all it takes. But it's tough to ignore the logic and lack of positive reinforcement. We are very social creatures, and it's not so easy to shrug off that kind of feedback.

Hopefully you won't take off out of frustration before we've had a chance to offer some feedback on what you have in your profile.

I don't know. Maybe you are doing everything just right. OK Cupid might be s very good dating site and other things you do might be very good too but the bottom line is you aren't getting a date. For a successful nice looking man under 40 to never get a date is rather unusual. I made an attempt to suggest do something different. Change the look use different sites etc

But if things are good the way they are and nothing needs to be changed then it's ok too.
Good luck

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I think beards are sexy. Just had to throw that one out there. lol

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I did OKC for a bit in 2009. I met a really good looking dude & went out in three dates with him. On the third date, we went back to his place to watch a movie. When we walked in his living room, he had framed pictures of Adolf Hitler and fancy looking swastika paintings hanging up. He didn't bother to tell me he was a neo nazi. Needless to say I stopped dating through the Internet after that. I have thought about trying OKC again when I do decide to start dating again. I did like the way it worked. It's not their fault that dude left out the part about being a neo-nazi on his profile.

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LOL, there are all kinds of things that people leave out, but that one is pretty "special"! Seriously, though, you can meet someone in person or even be with someone for a while and suddenly find out things that are pretty important. People are good at that sort of thing. Sometimes they are in denial themselves, so that certainly doesn't help with discovery or dealing with anything.

Sometimes on these dating sites there's really no rhyme or reason. It would be very helpful if people could (even anonymously) give feedback.

I met a guy once and went on few dates with who turned out to be a militants racist. He believe that slavery was made up by blacks so they can be lazy. Not kidding. He said sure they were plantation workers but they weren't treated as bad as blacks like to say it. He also had a room in his house dedicated to confederate army with flags and such , which I first thought was just a collection of historical paraphernalia. Turned out it was for a different reason.

Him and his dad were making fun of lynching. It all transpired at the wedding on the lake that the guy invited me to and people on the other side of the lake were having bon fire and had a lot of noise. His dad and him were laughing that there is kkk gathering and they about to do some lynching. To add to all this his dad was a pastor (minister?) of a baptist church. Yes clergy was making jokes about that. Of course i didn't see the guy again. He'd be a good buddy to Neo nazi dude

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I wouldn't expect to see any more. There hasn't been a new post since IAC (which owns just about every major dating site/app out there) bought them up. They pulled down the 'Why You Should Never Pay For Online Dating' post down immediately, and the last entry was on September 10th, 2014. Your best bet is to just to buy (or borrow from the library... they still have those, right?) Dataclysm. The data in the book isn't just from Ok Cupid, but a number of sources.

I'm generally a positive thinking type of person... but when it comes to dating, I've been wandering around in the void for so damn long now, that I just feel undesirable and worthless. I don't know why, but that's the reality I live in.

I'll see what I can dig up, but like I said, I took down all my online dating profiles other than Twitter... which I haven't touched in months. I don't know that I kept anything. Maybe I should just start over.

I'm a little hesitant to get yet another "review" where strangers pick apart things that shouldn't really matter just for the sake of changing me into what their respective "ideal". This has all been quite depressing enough. I've been doing this for six years since my last long-term relationship ended. In that time, I've tried a lot of different things with little-to-no success. This has already gone into that territory. What do you all think is good enough to get a chance?

I don't think I'm a bad guy. I take care of myself and look halfway decent. I'm educated. I've done well career-wise. I have a sense of humor. I think I'm fun to be around: I enjoy travel & day trips, I like live music, art walks, museums, beaches, trying new restaurants, stand-up, coffee shops, catching movies, entertaining, cooking and relaxing at home. I don't have any debt, kids, crazy exes, roommates, family issues, STI/STDs... I'm not a racist*. Like I said, I'm generally positive about things. I'm well spoken/written. I don't send "sup, hottie?" messages, or send pics of my schwantz. I'm actually looking for a relationship. For all the anecdotal hemming and hawing about how "terrible" the (straight) male contingent represented in online dating is (we've already got a few stories here I see), I don't think I sound like a bad option. The thousands I've messaged and swiped have felt otherwise though.

*Seemed an important mention given the convo

No pressure. My intention would not be to criticize or find fault at all, nor to judge something as not good enough. Just see if I could offer or add anything, give you feedback on what I'd think if I came across it. The point of this is to try to help you, not tear you down.

Well, that's what makes this more of a challenge. You know...maybe referring to a flaw or vulnerability would work in your favor. Like someone said earlier - could be you sound too good to be true. (Or maybe even intimidating?) But I'd have to read a real profile to give you a proper opinion on that. I can't imagine why you wouldn't get favorable responses.

My apologies. It's the internet. I'm so used to getting trashed on because that's what people do here. Beat you down and demoralize you until you just log off.

I'm still really weary of the idea that I'm "too good". If anything I'm woefully average, but with an interesting/unique slant. Nothing more than that. I'm 5'10" (U.S. average). Reasonably trim/healthy, but hardly jacked. Bachelors degree. Make a bit better than average money. Dress nicely, but nothing over the top. Smarter than your average bear, but not joining Mensa any time soon. Not old, but aging out of the sweet spot for finding love settling down. A sexy 6'-4" PhD making $250k/yr. I'm not.

Here's my last prof (I think) FWIW. Keep in mind that there's been dozens-upon-dozens of iterations with almost any combo of details contained therein. Unless there's one proverbial elephant in the room I've not managed to iterate in this long-going failed experiment, I don't know what difference you could make.



. . . . .



ABOUT ME:

Greetings, the name is Ryan. I've decided to keep it despite that Seacrest thing happening. I'm a normal, well-adjusted guy with dynamic (perhaps weird depending on who you are) interests, who enjoys a variety things from live music to comedy to cooking to travel to motorsport to art walks to simply lounging by the pool. I'm an honest sort and therefore I can't fill this profile full of hyperbole about a sports-drink extreme, adventurous, jet-setting lifestyle. That said, I WAS in the Bahamas during hurricane Sandy. It was an edge-of-the-seat experience... finding out who "the real father was" on Jerry Springer while we were holed up in the hotel with our cashe of rum. I'm never bored so hopefully never boring. I keep busy, but have plenty of room for that right person in life. In other words, I'm looking for something on the serious side.

WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE:

I'm a well-fed artist. I'm a (the, actually) Sr. Industrial designer and contribute to R&D for a globally distributed consumer market product company headquartered here in Scottsdale, Az. I sincerely love what I do, and I couldn't work with better people.

On the side, I've always been a musician to some capacity or another, for fun not profit. I'm not active in any particular project at the moment, but I have been building out a humble home studio to feed the muse and see where things go. Would love to meet some like-minded musos / musicians if you fall under that banner.

Also, I'm learning to sail so I can survive the zombie apocalypse. When it all goes down, I'll be mixing mojitos on the flybridge somewhere in the Caribbean. I guess I'm counting on zombies not being able to swim.

I'M GOOD AT:

A number of things. I've been called a Renaissance man on occasion (fun fact: the technical term is polymath).

Also, I can drive a stick. It's virtually a superpower in 2016.

MUSIC, SHOWS, ETC.

b | I'm admittedly not a big reader. Mostly technical books (and magazines) and cookbooks, some of classics... I'm reading 'Dataclysm' at the moment which is quite appropriate, don't you think?

m | Black comedies (not the 'Madea Gets a Pap Smear' variety), crime comedies, some action stuff, some artsy stuff, a good bit of craptastic fare, and the occasional inspirational/think piece.

s | Similar to movies: Bryan Fuller's stuff is my favorite, Lilyhammer; adult cartoon type stuff like Rick and Morty, Archer, Bo Jack Horseman, The Venture Bros., etc.; cooking shows with cats like Alton Brown, Anthony Bourdain, and Action Bronson; stand-up guys like Doug Stanhope, Tim Minchin, Bo Burnham, Jim Jeffries, etc., 'how it's made shows' (hey, I'm an industrial designer), and so very much YouTube randomness.

m| Modern progressive rock/metal, industrial/cyber rock/metal, alternative hip hop, ambient, IDM, glitch, trip hop, synthwave & other electronica you don't necessarily dance to. I won't pretend "I like everything" because Internet.

f | I'll pretend "I like everything" because Internet...and because it's fairly on point. My favorites are Caribbean, Jamaican, Cuban, Latin, New Mexican, seafood and shellfish, barbecue, and brunch... brunch is the most important meal of the day, not breakfast. You were lied to by PSAs.


SIX THINGS I COULDN'T DO WITHOUT:

1. My cozy and always classy apartment
2. My computer workstation (it's my canvas for design, music, and art)
3. My guitars, bass, synths, sampler, software, etc. for making music; and designing stuff
4. A sketch pad and pencil
5. Access to diverse and excellent eateries
6. Good friends and family

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT I'M:

At happy hour with friends, sometimes a show, First Friday when it's, you know, first Friday, possibly doing side work, or just at home relaxing, cooking, or catching up on a show.

YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IF:

...you'd like. It's a post-feminist world, we've got a black president, daunting technology like the Slap Chop. Go ahead: Say hi!

...if you're in a similar mindset and place in life as I am. I'd like to meet someone who has the desire and means to travel a over the next few years. Someone open-minded, fun, trusting, reasonably intelligent, feminine, an appreciator of music the arts, a reasonable balance between active and chill, maybe a bit nerdy, who might like some exotic food cooked for them every once in a while, and maybe get my schwifty Rick and Morty references. I generally mesh with "alternative" types, but the mermaid hair, tattoos, etc. is all COMPLETELY optional... if that helps...

I don't see anything that would be a turn off at all and I would reply ( or contact first) if I was looking for a date and was closer in age. Sounds like you are a person women wouldn't mind to get to know at all.

The only thing that i would find somewhat problematic is extreme length of the profile and large number of details . Most dating sites wouldn't allow lengthy profile ( the ones I am familiar with), I'd probably not finish reading it. Also it provides so many details that i wouldn't have much left to ask in a conversation. You don't leave much room no mystery. Like you might say you like dark comedy ( example) or adult cartoons or music or exotic foods then person would be compelled to ask what specific ones etc For example I am an artist, exhibiting in art shows etc I mentioned in profiles when i dated but I didn't disclose media or genre. That's something people asked when they contacted me. I am a teacher, but I didn't say the subject matter, people would want to ask when they contact me. I read a lot but wouldn't say what. That's again something people would ask. Etc etc just my suggestion.

I would significantly shorten it and leave a lot of details out. That's just my opinion.

Other than that I absolutely don't see anything that would explain lack of response from women. It sounds like someone who should have no problem getting a date.

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I'm not best placed to comment as I haven't been single for loooooong time, last time I was the internet wasn't around never mind online dating. But I'm still a woman (last time I looked), so here goes.

Reading your profile I can't understand why you aren't getting responses plus in my opinion (& many others) you are very good looking. Are you the same guy who called his face garbage?? You really need to work on your self esteem IMO. Maybe you're giving off a lack of self belief vibe? Idk, just some thoughts from what you've written on here.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I don't see anything that would be a turn off at all and I would reply ( or contact first) if I was looking for a date and was closer in age. Sounds like you are a person women wouldn't mind to get to know at all. The only thing that i would find somewhat problematic is extreme length of the profile and large number of details . Most dating sites wouldn't allow lengthy profile ( the ones I am familiar with), I'd probably not finish reading it. Also it provides so many details that i wouldn't have much left to ask in a conversation. You don't leave much room no mystery. Like you might say you like dark comedy ( example) or adult cartoons or music or exotic foods then person would be compelled to ask what specific ones etc For example I am an artist, exhibiting in art shows etc I mentioned in profiles when i dated but I didn't disclose media or genre. That's something people asked when they contacted me. I am a teacher, but I didn't say the subject matter, people would want to ask when they contact me. I read a lot but wouldn't say what. That's again something people would ask. Etc etc just my suggestion. I would significantly shorten it and leave a lot of details out. That's just my opinion.

Thanks for the feedback, Divine. Afraid I've been there, done that, got the shirt.

Again, my apologies if I sound like I'm getting pedantic here, but that's the nature of topic as I've been online dating for over six years now... I think longer than my longest job at this point. I've tried a lot... including more punctuated profiles. In fact, I've generally kept the interests to genres instead of putting in a giant wall of movies, bands, etc. (tried that too). I've even tried a Tinder-brief style blurb approach a few times.

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Other than that I absolutely don't see anything that would explain lack of response from women. It sounds like someone who should have no problem getting a date.

Story of my life. It's the worst when I find someone with similar perspectives as myself and/or has common interests and passions (music, TV, or whathaveyou) so one really has something to connect on & make for an easy conversation starter... then get ignored... or viewed and ignored. Just never good enough. Ever.

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Originally Posted by prefabsprout I'm not best placed to comment as I haven't been single for loooooong time, last time I was the internet wasn't around never mind online dating. But I'm still a woman (last time I looked), so here goes. Reading your profile I can't understand why you aren't getting responses plus in my opinion (& many others) you are very good looking. Are you the same guy who called his face garbage?? You really need to work on your self esteem IMO. Maybe you're giving off a lack of self belief vibe? Idk, just some thoughts from what you've written on here.

Awww... thanks

I dunno, though. How am I supposed to feel about myself? Like I mentioned before, I have what I can only describe as a "paradoxical" sense of esteem (is there a psychology term for this?). I try to be the best person I can: Presentable, interesting, fun to be around... and I see someone I like when I look at myself in the mirror in the morning... but when there's no interest and relentless rejection for years on end, one only has the metrics to go off... and those metrics say I'm utterly passable trash not even worth considering a conversation and/or a cup of coffee with. The singles world certainly knows how to make a man feel ugly and worthless.

I really don't understand what's going on. Honestly. Maybe there are services that match you? Like expensive ones? Not online?

I don't understand you not getting a date.

I totally understand having difficulty finding right person for relationship and especially life long commitment but I don't get what's up with not getting a date? Do you contact women and they just don't respond? None of them?

Have you tried eharmony?



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Well you are not ugly and worthless, but I understand if the online dating dearth is getting you down.

Do you think it would help to take a little break from the online dating/singles scene? Maybe focus on other things in your life that make you happy?

Do you have good friendship circles? If so maybe focus on those, nurturing the positive relationships you do have which make you feel good about yourself and happy. If not, then maybe work on those. It might not get you a date but it won't beat your self esteem up on a regular basis either.

And I repeat - you are not ugly and worthless. There are a lot of unhappy posts about dating scenes on here, I don't think it's a reflection of who you are personally just the overall situation.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I really don't understand what's going on. Honestly. Maybe there are services that match you? Like expensive ones? Not online?

Perhaps... I've entertained the idea of it. Most seem very geared towards matching conservative, clean-cut women with wealthy, successful men. I can't really see where I fit in there. They always ping the men for the fees in those things. It's sexist, and I'm a humanist from both sides of the coin, and don't approve of those types of business practices so I've always passed on them.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I don't understand you not getting a date. I totally understand having difficulty finding right person for relationship and especially life long commitment but I don't get what's up with not getting a date?

PRECISELY my gripe. If I was getting dates and not finding the right people, or simply turning people off... that's my issue. I'd take full responsibility for that and adjust things accordingly... but no one giving me chance to begin with is absolutely maddening. It's so very reminiscent of the job hunt: Just these vast, empty stretches of rejection-after-rejection-after-rejection, then finally an interview and I nail it no problem. Got the job. WTF? I'm probably batting .900 in the job interview category, no exaggeration... heck, dates-turned-to-relationships are probably in the same bracket... but it takes years-and-years on end to get either/or to happen.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 Do you contact women and they just don't respond? None of them?

Extraordinarily few. Almost none. Tinder won't match me with ANYONE. I've got to be ugly. I don't know what else it could be.

The few that have replied on Ok Cupid or Plenty of Fish are extremely unenthusiastic/unengaging in conversation. The conversation either fizzles due to short answers on their part, or I suggest that we meet up after a few exchanges and the dialoge goes dead.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 Have you tried eharmony?

Some time ago I took their interminable questionnaire... and was rejected admission to the site. It was probably because I have fairly progressive opinions about sexuality, and eHarmony is infamous for it's disdain for non-traditionalist viewpoints on sex and relationships. Neil Clark Warren (the guy on the commercials) is well known for his pro-Christian agenda, and the site has maligned homosexuals altogether in the past. Most of my girlfriends in the past have been legitimately bisexual, and I think I recall being probed about that in the questionnaire. I dunno specifically what it was... just one more place I was not good enough.

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Originally Posted by prefabsprout Do you think it would help to take a little break from the online dating/singles scene? Maybe focus on other things in your life that make you happy?

I'm kinda riding that arc right now, hence having to dig up my old profile. With myself looking at having to get reemployed (and possibly looking at relocating), it's hardly my main focus. I've taken down all my profiles. I just can't deal with it at the moment. I was literally on the verge of gun-to-the-head suicide last year because of it... and I HAD a good job at the time. The summation of those two frustrations at this point in time would not be a good idea.

Though, overall, I don't see how it's going to help. What's going to change on the other end of... well, whatever another time period of stalling will end in? I'm not really feeling time is on my side here. People will always say: Be patient, love will show up, career will manifest! I sincerely don't think that's advice that pragmatically works in the context of our punctuated lives.

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Originally Posted by prefabsprout Do you have good friendship circles? If so maybe focus on those, nurturing the positive relationships you do have which make you feel good about yourself and happy. If not, then maybe work on those. It might not get you a date but it won't beat your self esteem up on a regular basis either.

Not really. I have good friends. A few. Keep in mind I lived in Portland, Oregon for most of my early thirties, and only moved back here around four years ago for my career. A lot of my old friends moved on. A lot are now married, in relationships (or divorced), and most with kids. They have busy lives, family-oriented hobbies, and nostalgic appreciations that I can't really identify with in my current position in life. They are good people (don't get me wrong), but I'm far behind them life-wise... even in the cases where I'm the older party. They don't really help. They just make me feel left behind, really. I go to parties to be a good friend because I want to see them feel happy and loved... but often come home feeling depressed, alone, and like a loser.

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Originally Posted by prefabsprout And I repeat - you are not ugly and worthless. There are a lot of unhappy posts about dating scenes on here, I don't think it's a reflection of who you are personally just the overall situation.

What overall situation is that?

I have met my fiancée on eharmony ( wedding in less than two weeks). There was no questions that pertain to views on sexuality whatsoever. I am a very liberal and progressive person and would not be on something conservative. My fiancée is a big time nerd. I am a liberal Jew and he isn't religious whatsoever. There was nothing that would even remotely indicate that it's pro Christian or conservative or have any views on homosexuality at all. Nothing.

Questions pertained to personality types and traits. There was nothing even remotely on a subject you describe, I have bisexual daughter and plenty gay friends and students of every variety, id never look for a date on a site that would even ask me about it or let alone condemn anything or deny admission.

. I really don't understand what you are referring to? I am straight though and was looking for a straight man, maybe they don't match homosexual pairs, thats I don't know but it didn't pertain to me.

I really don't get it. Perhaps you are talking about years ago. Not how it's currently is. Strange

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I feel as if you want someone specific (not that you do, that's just the way I read your profile). I would tell myself that I couldn't measure up to you.

I have been married forever, but I do have daughters who are dating so I know what they think.

Please don't take my words as criticism. It is just an honest reaction to your profile.
(I do get it, it's lovely, but a lot of women think they have some kind of checklist.... but, really, they want to be swept up in a grand romantic gesture....then get to know who you are)

Sometimes it's ok for the person not to be 100% a match in terms of interests and likes/dislikes. What if you challenge yourself and go for women who don't have the same tastes? Come from a different background? What if you go for complementary personal qualities? What if they are just good people but don't like the same things as you? Or aren't nerdy etc or are older or maybe are clean cut etc? Expand your horizons? What if you describe personal character qualities rather than your interests? I am just trying to come up with something, there got to be something

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