Respect

I love my spouse but he's hard to respect. He probably respects me but doesn't know how to show it. He was brought up in institutions. Plus landed in institutional life a second time of his own accord. He doesn't seem to know how to be a part of a family.I feel for him in this regard ;but I hate him trying to institutionalise me.Put this here! Do this ,this way.Don't do that like that, breathe this way, eat this way, always wipe the knife straight away. Don't leave the pegs on the line. Don't spend money on this or that.........I'll make a reply here....respect me please..understand that I'm a grown human being that can breathe any way I want to and can eat any old how I want to. ......he would say; well if you want to ruin your life..or if you want to wreck your teeth... if you don't want to listen to me then why bother talking to me...REPLY I do want to listen to you.I do listen to you but all I hear is .....orders...bossiness....as if you are trying to be in a higher position instead of being a part of us... ...... Im not worried he will ever read this because he doesnt believe in psychology..he believes people just need to get over things, think normal thoughts and so on.luv to me Jjulia

awwwww hmm control freak??? hope he realises that he needs to loosen up a little. the only way i managed to get my boyfriend to let me do what i want was to give him the boot... which in the end he was so adamant on changing i took him back. he actually has, which i wasnt expecting. but, it is not a good idea to wave around the idea of divorce with people. doesnt make for a loving relationship. hope it works out
take care
self

thanks selfy I respect your answer.

(((selfy))) luv Jjulia

Sounds tricky....

It sounds like you've tried talking to him about it, but maybe he doesn't realise how much it's bugging you as a whole? Like he may see it as separate issues rather than parts of a bigger problem?

I just want to say that he doesn't respect you. You said, "He probably respects me but doesn't know how to show it," but respect isn't something one feels, it's an action. He might love and care for you, and not know how to express it by respecting you, but don't confuse the feelings and the actions.

thanks for thinking on it..meander and maven..I agree with you both..Maven yeah its easy to confuse the feelings and the actions..I'm so glad I'm a female you couldn't give me any amount of money to be a male...wish there was a pill that could fix a damaged man....kind regards to you both..Jjulia. for

I think September's post about what love is not...probably is a good one to review...

Well that last sentence about him not believing in psychology pretty much stated the entire reason why he was and always will be an 'institutional man'. He needs therapy really badly to find out why he feels he needs to break the law! The fact that he WON'T and doesn't get it is telling of man that CAN'T be reformed! He is not going to change because he doesn't believe in bettering himself. He will continue to break the law and go back to jail because of this.

Julia, here's a little background about me...I work and have my degree in the law field so please respect where I am about to come from when I give this next statement about why he controls you like he does....

There are a couple of reasons why he controls you:

1) Institutional life makes him this way. They tell him when to sit, stand, use the bathroom etc... He is only passing along what he believes is right to you. Although he might more be comfortable if YOU told HIM when and how to do these things...LOL. It is not right but maybe asking him to stop treating you like a prisoner, that it's not necessary, might be all it takes???

2) When he is inside, he has NO CONTROL over what you do, who you meet and where you go. How does he know that you won't meet a better man with more money on the outside that will he knows is better than him? His self-esteem level thinks this will happen, so he keeps up this level of control all the time whether he is in or out. That's his esteem level showing.

3) He has spent so much time on the inside being controlled by others, that he wants someone to control now. You happen to be it.

4) Now he makes this attempt to control you because he knows you are the better person and at anytime might meet someone that would be a better than him. This is probably a huge fear of his and hense, if he can keep you controlled, he keeps you with him at all times.

Now, if you understand why and where he is coming from and why he does this, ask yourself why you allow him to do it to you??? You are a smart girl who knows how important it is to attend to your meds and therapy. You know that a man who goes to jail and controls you...isn't being much of a man if he doesn't make an attempt to right his wrongs and never make those mistakes again. You know that if he doesn't believe in therapy...he doesn't support you with your illness...it means he lacks all respect and love for you and your illness. You know that a man that commits crimes and goes to jail...never gave you one thought when he committed that crime. Do you think he said...."If I get caught, I will go to jail and Julia will be left to fend for herself". No. Instead everything about his crimes are for his own good and selfish needs. About him and him only so...

Controlling + Selfish + Lack of Support + Not believing in you and what you are capable of = Lack of proper Love IMO.

I am sorry hun...if he really loved you he would get the help he needed to make sure he didn't need to leave you. You are ill with MI and you need his support without control. SeptembersMorn made 2 postings...one about what love is and one about what love isn't. They are both really great posts and you should give them a great read. If I were you....I would print them both out and magnet them to the fridge for his sake.

Good luck hun.

thanks Direction and thanks A...b...tech. I will look at September's post. ABtech thanks for your insight. It makes a lot of sense to me.Where you said he may think I'll find someone who makes more money etc. that rings true. Because I found a 'faith' 23 years ago and that was a turning point where he tightened his grip.I had found the Creator(that's my way to express it.I don't want to mention my religion) who is Superior. Without him acknowledging it he has been envious. He cant acknowledge that because he is a staunch evolutionist,(I feel that is his excuse for when he acts unloving or uncaring).Survival of the fittest. I'd have to have a lobotamy to believe evolution. I have my own personal evidence for my beliefs.
OK well I'm not saying any of this to overlook what anyone else had said but I think it factors into the whole lack of respect. Because I don't respect his beliefs and he doesn't respect mine. Plus he uses his beliefs to excuse his behaviour. ....respect to you both for your replies....Jjulia

The respecting each others belief point... that could be something for you guys to work on?

I'm an self-avowed atheist and a scientist-in-training so I'm not exactly qualified in the religious field, but I do think that tolerance and respect for what other people believe is vital for peace in the world at large and between individuals.

You don't have to accept other people's beliefs, you can quietly laugh about them, sure, but you should, in my opinion respect them, simply because we are all human, and all equal.

So maybe agreeing to disagree on your beliefs, not trying to force the other one to accept them, and respecting the fact that you believe different things would help this point? It doesn't mean you have to compromise your own beliefs at all. Many religions preach (and some even practice) tolerance, and that's the best idea I've heard any of them come up with :-)