[Biba_yu]

I had a thread earlier about boyfriend and his unhealthy attachment to his parents. However, by reading what I wrote and what other people wrote to the topic I got to really horrifying conclusion which deeply affects my feeling of self-worth and sanity: it's not his attachment, it's the fact I am not his, not first, but not even his second choice. I am like something he is trying to fit into his life without having to change anything. He is trying to fit me in somehow really, and he thinks it's a sign of affection, but he never asks me how I feel. And he is not the only one. Every "friend" I had in life was treating me like an option. If we meet somewhere by accident-great! If we don't they just keep me aside to wait until their schedule is completely empty so that they can fit me in. Everyone always did it to me, except obviously, my parents. But everyone else, boy, I am a last choice! I had situations when I arrange to meet with a friend, wait for her couple of hours (it was before cell phones), only to find out later when I called from public phone that someone more interesting to her just drop by unexpectedly and she ditched me! My current boyfriend, though we are together for 10 years, never ever wants to change anything in his life, I feel he would rather lose me than lose anything from his daily routine. He claims he loves me, but he can't change for anyone. He has very tight schedule of daily routine, and never wants to change it for me. He fits me in 4-5 hours a week which he has freed "especially for me" and sometimes he is genuinely confused why I am not "in the mood". I can't be in the mood every week in the same few hours, I am not a machine. I am sure he loves me and he is genuinely confused and worried why I am so unhappy, he is such man he does not understand it. He is intelligent and witty, but his emotional intelligence is (I think) very low. I am now deeply depressed, not exactly thinking of suicide, but more to leave somewhere far far away forever, just to leave everything! I am miserable as person who is worth nothing to anybody can be. I invested 10 years of my life, all my love, friendship and all my secrets and my trust in that relationship, and now... what? It's not enough? Am I a biggest failure? And it's not just him. Everyone, every friend I had, even my own sister treated me same way. They all "love me deeply", but they also always ditch me for "better people" and when they have to see me, either they are terribly late and annoyed or they are trying to fit me somewhere in their busy busy schedule like I am dentist appointment they really don't want.
I am thinking of leaving forever, just not to think about death. Maybe some tropical island, small cabin, at the sea. I can't leave my parents now, as I am helping them every week, but I need that dream.

[campervanman]

Hi Biba_yu.

As I only joined a couple of day`s ago and just getting the feel of things' `BUT` your thread has similar characteristics` to the way I think!....I mean, if I phone my brother up to have a natter about things`, I get the feeling he wants` to get off the phone as quick as he can! Or he say`s to me that he has just been on the phone for an hour with one of his mates`! Or if I was talking too my dad about something, half way through the conversation he would just walk away!!!!!! And then I say to myself "What the f$£%"! or he doesn't care! And then another thought comes` into my head ` is it the content of the conversation that's` making them back away! Maybe I am hurting them un-intentually!!!!

Also I am always` saying to my work mates` give me a shack on a secluded island with a cat and my fishing rod and I would be as happy as a pig in ****!

Take care...............Al

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry..

[Biba_yu]

Campervanman, I have similar experience. It seems like people are happy to see me and it even seems they enjoy my company a lot, but NEVER ever call me. If I do call someone, they always have "previous engagement" and "will call me other day" (but never do), but what hurts the most is relationship with someone who thinks he is giving you his best by letting you see him once a week.
I don't believe for a second it's "something you say" or something I say that is making them back away. I am not sure what it is. Sometimes I think it's because I look cold and distant but most of those people know me very well, and they know it just looks like that since I am shy and introvert. So, that's not it.
Yes, my secluded island with a cat and my own tropical garden is also waiting for me, I hope, some time, somewhere.

[campervanman]

Biba_yu.

Reference your partner.

`MMM` Or maybe then, he only wants` too see you only once a week because of work commitments`, (Tired) Sometimes likes` to be alone!, or maybe he just wants` to go slow with the relationship too see where it goes`as if your in each others` pockets` too much, can sometimes` go stale too early!!!!

Maybe you can be my next door neighbour? Different island though!!

[Biba_yu]

If he didn't see "where it goes" after 10 years, then I am not sure if it's going anywhere. We were never together too much, but that is not the point here. As someone who works a lot, I don't have much time either.
It's just that sometimes I feel tired of the same scheme over 10 years. Always meet at the same hours in a week, never go out, never just meet in the middle of the week somewhere for pancakes and laugh, never buys me some tiny cheap thing to make me smile, it's just always the same. It's what suits him, and he wants to keep it that way. I asked him if we could sometimes just go out for ice-cream or something, he says "I don't do that". Ok, but that would really make me happy. Why is that never important?

[campervanman]

Sorry I did not realize it has been 10yrs!!

Maybe and I say "Maybe" its` time to move on and get someone else that has the same interests` and the likes` as you do? Cause it sounds` to me as if it is one way traffic.......all from your side.

I've heard the saying `while your away yonder, the heart grows` fonder!!
But after 10yrs.............mmmmmmmmmmm

Regards`

[Talthybius]

When I am in a cynic mood, I imagine that most people are each other's third or fourth pick.

If he makes you miserable, you should leave him. If he is unable to make you not miserable, and you want to take the chance that there is someone out there that can make you not miserable, you should leave him.

I rarely get the feeling that people like me as much as I think they should like me.

So three different issues you bring up, they confuse me as well.

You can make small changes to your life now. They will add up to big changes given enough time.

@The O.P, sorry to hear that. I've felt the same way about other people at times. I was wondering, do you ever make people feel bad about not calling, emailing, or making plans to hang out with you? People do get busy at times. It's hard not to take personally, I know.

Sometimes it feels like my own husband doesn't really want to make the time for me when he can. I have found that when you expect a lot from other people, they tend to back off. I'm NOT saying that you're clingy or needy at all, especially since I don't know you, but is it possible that your behavior might seem clingy or needy to other people? I've been called that by a few friends in the past. So I try not to be that way with people anymore.

Sometimes some people can't or don't want to give you as much attention as you wish they would. Some people are fine with just having brief contact with their friends and family. One friend of mine would go for up to two weeks w/o emailing me, and after trying to make "plans" that never fell through to see me, I finally saw her after 9 months! Ugh!

It does hurt, I get it, but you have to realize that some people either don't always have the time to be there for you. And like I said, some people are fine with spending a short amount of time with their loved ones. Maybe they're introverted, shy, or anxious, or something like that as well?

I for one have gone for a week or more w/o emailing other people or talking to anyone but my husband and maybe a clerk at the store. That's because I'm introverted and shy. It'd drive me crazy to spend a lot of time around other people all the time.

[Biba_yu]

So, you think that people are mostly selfish and that it's not only me, but others are also put on the second or last place? Maybe that is all a myth? We learn about relationships and friendships from television shows and movies but how realistic is that? So many people are disappointed in friends and family because we are learning from idealistic and utopia-like society made by Hollywood and the rest. It could be. I understand what each of you is saying, it makes sense...
To add, I am not clingy or needy, people actually sometimes resent me because I appear distant and cold. It is because I am shy and insecure but I don't look that way, quite the opposite. So they take it personally. Usually people think I am really conceited. It's not so much attention I need, not even time, it's the feeling that someone would like to see me or call me just to talk. Or to go with me on coffee just for company. Not because we accidentally met, or not as second, third choice, not when I ask to search through calendar of prior engagements like he is most wanted businessman in the world.... I don't want always to have to fit into someone else's empty (free) couple of hours, why can't they also make time for me? Why can't my partner just come when I am sick or sad or depressed or anytime without having to plan it 5 days ahead? It's not like we live far from each other.

[campervanman]

Hi Biba_yu.

Remember the other day when I mentioned that it could be what you talk about and that you might be hurting them un-intentually??

`Well` it prompted me to ask my brother about the way that I feel when talking to him on the phone!!!!!! And his answer was " He loves` me visiting and phoning him up anytime `BUT` when you starting talking about our dad or Dave (Brother) I have to go as it starts` to hurt him!!!!!!!!!! Now I understand that he is still grieving................

Take care................Al

[avlady]

Bibayu i would love people to take time with me too. peoples work schedules are the worst things to plan around and when their not working they stay away because they need time to themselves, talking about myself here too. i don't have alot of friends like i had when i was younger, i guess i dropped off the planet when i had my son and husband to care for too. time is precious and we need to savor it to the fullest, even if it's through prayer or going out in a nice park or yard.pets can help too.good luck

[Biba_yu]

It's kinda sad, don't you think? So much technologies to help us do things faster, and yet, even less time. imagine the times when people had to work miles to work or ride in carriages with horses for days to visit someone in the nearby town... There were times when nothing was easy, yet, it seems people had more time for each other then than we have now. We are soooo busy busy busy, and one day we will be 90 and wondering what happened to our lives. We live for work, live for obligations and chores, we barely have time for our children, let alone friends or relationship partners. And it's not just time... As I wrote, I am much busier than him, as a single mom who works full time. But.. I am one of those people who like small tokens of affection, I am just like that. I will be happy if someone gives me a cheap card with photo of puppy, or candy bar or take me somewhere cute to have a tea, or whatever, it may be cheep or free just to be something enjoyable and sweet. It means so much to me. It's silly I know, but that's who I am. He says it's not him. He never gives presents. Once I told him he should buy his mom something sweet for her Birthday but he said "I don't do that". He said as a freelancer he mostly had no money and that is tough. He can't afford to buy even cheapest presents. But she would be so happy with something small, I know that. I would be. Still no. So, I have to change for relationship but he can't? Both men I dated were like that, requested for me to change, but they-hell no! I have to accept them as they are.
Campervanman, there is no hurting. As I wrote, it's not the time, I have no time either, it's the fact that he puts everything else before me, I "just" need to fit in. I am tired of fitting in everyone's schedule and walking on eggshels trying not to disturb anything in their lives. i am tired of being the last on the lists, like if everyone else cancels then they call me. I am tired of being someone who "sees friends" only when we run into each other by accident.

[newname]

You sound like a nice person who needs some people who will appreciate it better. Easier said than done, I know. I often feel some things similar to you, although instead of thinking my "friends" and family don't give me enough time, I always think I should try harder to find closer friends. It is always a struggle to find time to do that though. Maybe you would be better than me at keeping nice people around when you meet them, since you sound so nice. Do you find any time to go out and meet new people? I like to go to meetups and other low pressure activities that many people attend by themselves. Do you live in an area that has much of that kind of thing? I guess it would be harder in a rural area.

[Biba_yu]

I wrote a looong answer and stupid browser lost it. Now I can't write it again.

[campervanman]

Hi Biba_yu.

As other people have said! You do sound like a decent and caring person, who just wants` to show that you love and care for the people in you life! `But` unfortunately you feel that it is only one way!
As the last thread suggested that you go out and meet people in social activities in your area, or even taking up a hobby that has monthly meetings` regarding they`re hobbies and interests`!! That way your getting out and meeting people with the same interests` that could end up being your close friends`!!

I did by joining a metal-detecting club, and I never looked back!

Take care..............Al